A Touch of Encouragement

Martha, I am asking you for help. i am 50 yrs old, I have a wonderful wife of 30 yrs. We have 3 children, 2 girls and 1 boy. We put both girls through college and paid for their college. We told them they did not have to work just get good grades and graduate so you can come into the professional field and find a job. My son is still in college. They went to private jesuit University's. 1 is a teacher and the oldest works in retail. Just before the went off to college I fell on my job and broke my back, after major back surgery and years of physical therapy I had to retire do to the fact i could not walk for long periods of time and suffered a lot. I still held up my promise and then when my first daughter was to graduate I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I held the family together along with my wife, and had a 11 hr operation and lost my hearing in 1 ear and could not do anything. I went through extensive PT to learn how to stand then walk and it goes on. I still suffer with bad headaches at times and pain. I was just diagnosed with the starting of Parkinson disease. My 2 daughters badger me because they say I have changed. They don't understand why I have to take valium when I get the headaches and I am on a pain medication for my back. They get mad when I forget things, there are times when the pan is so bad I can not get up. I sleep in a chair every night because I wake at night screaming with pain and it upsets my wife. i feel sorry for my wife so that is why i moved in another room so not to upset her. I have seen many of spinal surgeons, I have even gone to Germany. All said I have a 10% chance of having the pain removed through surgery, Yet my daughters now 27&28 want me off the medications. They fight with my wife and I all the time. I have not taken the medication for the Parkinson's because of the side effects. What do I do? I told them they need to except me for what i am not what they want me to be. When I was young and without illness I was a great Father they said we always went on vacations together and also visited them at school a lot even though I was suffering in side I kept it inside. We have always done for them and my wife and I were just happy to be with each other. They have been to Europe yet my wife and I have not . We wanted them to experience life and culture with plays in NYC. I feel it is time I spent time with my wife and if I need to take pain medication to help me to be mobile then that is my decision. They will not let us live how we want. We are happy just to be with each other, and want our children to be with us when they can yet my daughters tell me I have to get off the pain meds or nothing.. I see 1 Dr. every month and have a lot to deal with ,they know what I am going through yet seem not to care. Am I wrong and do you have any words of wisdom. I know I might of spoiled them but can it be undone? Jim

Dear Martha thank you for your video about fathers. My dad was the best person in the world, but he was a character when he was alive. It was always confusing, when I would go to work with my father, he was one of those sweet and loving caring person. But when we got home he was hell to be with. The stories are about myself, growing up I was hit from the day I was born. It was hungry lonely and you're tired, in the crib I got spanked. My mother would complain to her mother and her sister, about the beating. And I heard we should call the cops. But my mother never did. I asked her later on in life, why should it not call the police, she says because of your ego. And my father sexually abuse me. Emotionally abuse me too. After has the Army I got to know my father is a person. Not as a dad, I found out that he was sexually abused by his father and his mother. That answered a lot of questions, for me about my father. After I got sober, I made my first nine step, with my dad for trying to kill him twice. And we restarted the relationship. One of the most interesting gifts I received at about two years of sobriety, was 12 stepping my father for his sexual abuse. I gave him a book called victim no longer. About a father and son relationships, with a father sexually abuses his sons. That was one out of body experience. As relationship healed, I was able to practice forgiveness and let go. Because the stories are heard from different people prosecuting their violators. There was no true sense of justice, for the victim. So I chose to forgive, rather than holding on to the hatred, and pain. I lost the relationship with my sister, because I chose to forgive. I even told my sister that would testify on her put half, if she wanted to get some form of justice, but that was the last time I talked my sister, it's been 10 years. The other reason I wrote this letter, because I need to get to the same point with my mother. One for not protecting me because of her ego. In the other issue is that she used witchcraft, and Christianity from me going overseas to make the money to go to med school, definition of medical school masters degree in Oriental medicine, and Ph.D. natural path care. I can't forgive a woman, that would do that to her own kids. I need to practice some form of forgiveness, to get on with my life. Please do a video on mothers, and how their kids forgive their mothers. Thank you for your videos, I would said their God sent, but today am an atheist with spiritual principles. Because of some of the stuff, and all the reading I've done theology. PS I used to be a music minister.

I like so many others, had an absentee father. In fact he left before I was even born, and never looked back.
Though he was young... so was my mom.
She obviously coped the best way she knew how... marry ASAP and put "his" name on my birth certificate. I never knew "he wasn't" my father until I was 25 years old. My mom and "dad" divorced when I was 4-5 years old. He chose to drink beer for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. By then I was the oldest of 3 kids. My "dad" did the best he could at the time, and he loved me, (us) and told me (us) so. Though we only saw him once or twice a year... he treated us all equally. My mom went on marry two more times. Again, there was no "real dad" who ever stuck around, or interested in being a "real dad." I don't "blame' my mom and or dads at all... anymore, but I used to. And found it served zero purpose. One common thread I do see is the girls and women like me tend to pick and even gravitate to unkind men, with little morals and/or values. At first they show their "true colors" but when they don't have an audience.... they sure do, and sometimes those colors are pretty DARK. But God has been soooo kind to me and so many others like me. Others, who at times like me. often felt so rejected, not loved, not protected and going through life feeling like a complete mistake... due to all the sad decisions made. Until....
ONE DAY .... I was somehow able to "SEE" some of the past situations, and understand the hand of GOD over my life in spite of all the trials. How HE put people in my life at times I think to show me ... HE was there, and HE cares, and HE loves me. Now, as I navigate through life... I'm inspired to help others as best I can, as it was "those" others and often times "complete strangers" who stepped in to help me along the way. It was GOD who also taught me (through so many "others" how to truly FORGIVE "ALL" those who have been so unkind and sometimes even cruel, even if they have passed away. Yes, GOD is the reason for this NEW SEASON of my life! I also want to thank you Ms. Martha for THIS "Father's Day" gift to so many of us. After listening to your message on Tuesday, I went ahead and sent those "letters" out for Father's day hoping for closure with "all" of that. What I found after I put the letters this week, was A PEACE that only GOD can give. Thank you Martha, and to your readers for sharing and caring. Prayer DOES change things. And one las thing I've learned, when somebody shows you who they "really" are.... BELIEVE them. And if you're thinking that the picture isn't looking so good, PRAY for them, and stay away from them.
Help another person today whose eyes may not be open "spiritually" to the trueness of our Heavenly FATHER, and just how much HE really does love them ... through you. Even if it's only a prayer!

With GOD~ All things are possible! Thanks again Martha ~ You are an amazing DAUGHTER OF THE KING! Blessings, Sista : )

Hi Martha,

My story is similiar to those posted. My dad was an violent alcholic and made our lives a living hell. When he was sober he was the nicest man and a gentle dad. Unfortunately we did not see that side often. I spent my first years angry and hurt wishing my dad dead. Later at the age of 48, because of his drinking, he suffered alcholic seizures that put him in a coma and he really almost died. I prayed to God to please spare his life. God did spare his life and he lived to the age of 79. He never took another drink again and his grandchildren never saw him drunk. My dad and I made peace with each other and we both forgave each other. This is the 5th Father's day without him and I still miss him very much. I found this quote and I like to share it with you.

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl." Stephan Hoeller

Martha,

I never had a father through no fault of his own he went insane when I was three years old from teritary syphilis he had contracted twenty years before he met my mother while he was in the military service. My older brother was angry and beat my mother, my grandmother who helped care for us and he beat and sexually abused me. From the scars of these experiences I never knew how to choose a decent man. I got pregnant at age 16 and my baby's father tried to abort my baby and physically harmed me. I fought to save my baby and ran away and rested and a friend helped me. I won and gave birth to a beautiful daughter. I loved her deeply and did marry her abusive father who was 25 because I so wanted her to have a father. He was a drunk and was very cruel to me but I tried to nurture and father daughter relationship between my daughter and her dad because I had never had one. Finally, because of his abuse of me emotionally, I had to set out on my own and raise my daughter myself all while putting myself through school. I cared for my daughter through thick and thin and her father treated her as if she was his "chick." Not showing up for visits when he said he would, not paying child support, instead living the life of a drug dealing tramp in Florida. He said he was going to make it as hard on me as he could and he did. I did everything to give my daughter a good life. She unfortunately chose a man much like her father in that he has to be all controlling and everything is about him. He hates me. When my granddaughters were born I encircled my daughter and her children with love and gave them all I could. I was diagnosed with cancer two and a half years ago and my son-in-law, upon hearing of my diagnosis said, "Just because you have cancer doesn't mean OUR lives are going to change" And that was it. My daughter abandoned me and took my beloved granddaughters away. Now she tells everyone that I was abusive to her as an adult and she refuses to help me. I have battled this cancer the best I could with the help of friends and even strangers but she is convinced that it was me who was the "bad parent." Why would she transfer the things her father did to her to me when I am dying? Her husband is very happy about all this and now calls her father a "great guy." She showers the father who tried to keep her from being born with love.
But she doesn't even speak to me as I suffer. I am terminal now and she won't see me or allow her children to see me, their loving grandmother. She denigrates me to everyone. People who know the real story are shocked. What do I do? Why would she do this to the only real parent she ever had, me? My doctors feel I did not respond to my cancer treatments because of her actions and behavior to me.
I know this will haunt her when she comes to her senses. How can I help her and more importantly how do I help my granddaughters before I die and they spend their life with guilt and regret? She looks terrible and her eyes blank. What can I do before the end comes?

my father was not an easy person to be around. he drank a lot was angry and abusive. the last four years of his life my husband and i took care of him. i did not want to send him away to a home. i do not regreat it one bit. it was hard but with Gods help i was able to take care of him. on the day he passed we were all at the hospital with him i told him i love him and he did not have to be alone when it was his time to go

When I was little, I defended my father secretly because he left my mother and us because of my mother's abusive behavior. We saw him again for visitation. However, my mother was an alcoholic, has a mental illness, and abusive. Because of my mother's problems, my brother, sister, and I were shuffled around between my mother's relatives and most of all the child welfare system. Throughout most of our childhood and adolescence we never stayed anywhere for a year. One exception was I stayed in two group homes for at least a year. I blamed my mother for my own life and for my problems. I have a friend who asked me "You're blaming your mother but your father had something to do with this too." I thought of this for a long time. My father did not desert us to where I never saw him again, but he did not want to be involved when we needed him the most.

I asked my father twice why did he not raise us when mom was having problems. The first time he said, "The mother was supposed to raise you." The second time I asked him he finally told me the truth. He said, "I was just not man enough to do it." That was the answer I needed to hear. I even asked my father why did his relatives step in years before and he said that his relatives did not to get involved.

I have to think when I purchase Mother's Day and Father's Day cards longer than most because most of what I read from those cards would be insincere.

I looked very carefully at my Father's Day card until it said something I truly meant.

I feel good sending my father a Father's Day card for my benefit and for me to feel better and for me to live the consequences of my action. I see my father as a human being with feelings just like everyone else and that's the way I will treat him from now on. Like a human being. I believe that we all are human beings who should be treated with dignity and respect.

Dear Martha,
I have the most wonderful Dad in the world. I love him with all my heart and soul.
I have a rare movement disorder. He and my mother had brought me to 15 doctors until I was finally diagnosed.
I have many wonderful stories about my Dad. Some of them are sad memories others are quite humorus,most of them are tender and lovely.
One of my favorite stories took place when I was 7 years old. I remember sitting in the corner of the doctor's office. My Dad came in the room. His eyes were filled with concern. As the doctor closed the door my father turned and smiled at me. I had been nervous until I saw that smile. At that moment I knew that everything would be fine because my dad was with me.
The doctor told my dad the diagnose. At 7 years old I try to make sense of the doctor's words, but they were too technial and very long. All I heard is "blah blah blah" until the last sentence. The doctor said " Your daughter has some learning disorders and she will probably quick high school because these learning diffuculties and her movement disorder will make learning difficult. My father turned around and looked at me "Did you hear what the doctor said?" "Yes" I replied. "Don't listen to him. You will graduate from high school and college. On the day that you graduate college you will return here and throw your diaploma on his desk. You will show him how wrong he is. I love you and your mother and I know you. You always work hard. Determination is your best friend. You have the power to learn and question. Don't believe him. Your mother and I have faith in you.We will help you and teach you that your goals and dreams become real when you have faith in yourself."
I am fifty years old. I graduated both high school and college. I have a master degree and I am a special needs teacher.
I never went back to that doctor. I doubt that he remembers me. Also,my education wasn't achieved to prove this man was wrong. This achievement happened because of all the love and support my family and friends have given me. I believe that I achived my three degrees because God had faith in me, because I believed in myself, and, lastly,because my Dad had such faith in me failure was impossible.

Dear Martha,
I was one of the lucky ones whose Dad was always my Hero. I buried my father in April under a flag draped coffin with a 21 gun salute. My Dad was a WWII vet, a Mexican man who adored the country he was born in and made sure his family knew how blessed we were. He told his children frequently how very much he loved each of us (he had 5 kids), spending time with us, coaching little league, attending band concerts, encouraging us to be the best that we could be. He showed us laughter, love, compassion for everyone, but he taught us that forgiveness was a powerful gift that should be given and shared freely. We couldn't go to bed with us being mad at anyone. But more than that, he cared about people and lived his life quietly helping others, even though we didn't have much. He understood how important it was to value every moment of life, because each day was a gift. We didn't know how many people his life impacted until he was gone. We found out that day how much more of a wonderful man he was, as a Dad, as a friend, as a coworkers, as an encouragement to so many others. And because I am my father's daughter, my heart aches for those who did not have what I had in a father.

My dad and I never had a never had a good relationship. He Put my mother and I through a lot. Cause Of him I choose the wrong men in my life and I have low self esteem that I'm working on. When People ask me do I still talk to him or love him I tell them that he is my my dad and I love him unconditionally. And I know if I keep praying for him he will come around to see what he put his family thorough.

I got to meet my dad when I was 18 yrs old and found him to be the most kindhearted and loving man who has helped me since then. He doesnt say I love you but I have seen and had the good experiences that many of your readers didnt get. I am so glad for it and care for him deeply that I forgive the childhood without him.

After my Father died I started talking to my 2nd cousin... She told me that at one point when we were little we were so poor he almost had to sell his car for food... I told her I never new that... I never felt poor... I guess he did things right and never let us know that... Also after he died people told me of some things he did for others thatI never knew about... He took a couple up north to a hospital because they didn't know how to get there... He also helped bury someone that couldn't afford it... So knowing this I have tried to walk in his footsteps... I have helped bury a kid that committed suiside and his mother didn't have money to do it... Things like that will be forgotten but I know that I am following the tradition my father instilled in me..
Maureen