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by Lynn Hayes

With all the various forms of smartphones and laptops entering our lives, it sometimes seems like the Internet is becoming a part of us: The connection is always on, and information is always just a click away. It turns out, though, the majority of Americans don't feel that mobile electronics are tethering them to the digital world -- in fact, most adults see the devices as being distant and unimportant parts of their lives.

A new report by the Pew Research Center attempts to categorize people into 10 different types of tech users. You could call it a kind of astrology for the digital age: a set of memorably named designations that tell you your preferences and personality when it comes to the electronic world. (Sorry -- no "heavenly bodies" involved in this pseudo-science.

For the most astrological fun you can have with your clothes on, catch up on Matthew's reposts at Matthew the Astrologer including what appears to be the entire Zodiac's Guide to compatibility.  Who could forget such classic moments as these:

Love is a Battlefield: Aries goes to war for love and concocts strategies for taking over Love Island..

Should I stay or should I go?  A game show where Geminis get to compete for money on these important questions..

Overture, Curtain Lights!  The 12-screen Multiplex of Love for Leo. 

As if these tasty morsels were not enough, Matthew reveals his attraction for the new and improved (size 12) Jessica Simpson and his own fitness secrets (surfing the net while lifting a slice of pizza), along with tips on losing weight with astrology such as timing the start of your diet with Mars.  And then he endears himself to all women with these words:  

Perhaps the single most important thing to keep in mind is this: On the one hand, the fashion industry has dictated for about the last fifty years or so that "underfed" is a good look. On the other hand, biology has dictated for about the last million years that having a little "excess" weight is an attractive thing. It indicates good health, a plentiful supply of resources, and the means to bear and raise children (in the area of extra boob and bum matter). 

And besides, if most straight males are honest with you about it, they'd prefer a woman with a little excess weight over one who's underweight. Unless of course you're trying to catch a man who takes all his advice from fashion magazines... in which case, your relationship may have much larger problems than just your dress size.

Thanks as always to Elsa's Top Ten for providing a link to this wonderful article:

zodiac version 2.0

Thousands of years ago, people in primitive cultures looked upwards and imagined patterns and signs in the stars that bespeckled the night sky, much the same way that stock traders and market analysts do with economic data today. They imagined the stars were arranged in the shapes of animals and people: Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, and Sagittarius, formed the zodiac that encircled the heavens.

The heavens may seem a permanent and unchanging creation, but over a span of thousands of years, the positions of the stars do change and the circumstances and infuences that affect our daily lives have changed even more. By the later part of the twentieth century, the movement towards universal deregulation led to an increasing pace of mergers, buyouts, and divestitures, often leaving zodiacal consumers uncertain of what their sign would be the next day or what level of support they could count upon.

At its peak, this celestial merger-mania was on the verge of dividing the cosmos between the signs of Microsoft and AT&T, leaving little room for individuality and variety in horoscopes. Cosmic consolidation to a mere two sun signs would be devastating for those who depend on their daily astrological forecast to plan their lives, predict romantic possibilities, and make investment and career decisions. Some analysts warned that if half the world's population were to receive unexpected checks all on the same day, the resulting chaos in the international banking system would be catastrophic--or at the very least result in inconveniently long lines at teller windows and ATMs.

After the initial "boom" times of celestial merger-mania, the need to curtail expenses led to many stars that had previously held high-level positions in major constellations being laid off. The likelihood that some of the less profitable star signs might be discontinued entirely--with a corresponding loss of support for people born during corresponding times of the year--was the last straw that caused the government to intervene.

To deal with growing consumer concerns and zodiacal vulnerability to possible future extragalactic competition, the US Justice Department and the FCSC (Federal Celestial Sphere Commission) worked out a plan to return the zodiac to its original complement of twelve signs, updated to be more relevant to the daily lives of people in the new millennium:

Cisco, the Router (February 19th ~ March 20th)

The router serves to bridge the gap between two worlds, a "gatekeeper" between our day-to-day earthly plane and the higher realm of the spirit or between the local intranet and the campus backbone or internet.

Persons born under the sign of the router feel an enhanced connection to planes other than the physical and can help bring enlightenment to others by filtering and guiding packets of spirituality to the people around them. The vulnerability of Ciscons (people born under the sign of Cisco) is that they may unwisely pick up evil packets from the other side as well and be subject to their influence and even fall victim to Denial-of-Spirituality (DoS) attacks coming from the darker planes of existence.

EDO, the RAM (March 21st ~ April 19th)

Quick to learn new things and energetic in taking on new tasks, people born under the sign of the RAM tend to lose interest in old or boring tasks if their excitement level is not frequently refreshed.

Possessed of a deep committment to fairness in their dealings with others, they strive to maintain parity in all their interactions and will immediately detect imbalance or error.

Hayes, the Modem (April 20th ~ May 20th)

Children born under this sign often appear aloof and uninterested to the casual aquaintance, but it's more accurate to say that one just has to make sure to get their attention first.

Because of this tendency towards shyness, they may find it difficult to negotiate a true connection with others and often experience compatibility problems until they're absolutely sure that those they deal with fully come up to their standards and the tone of their interactions is to their liking. But once such a connection is made, you can be sure they will be determined to hang on, at least until they drop you.

Control-ALT-Delete, the Reset Button (May 21st ~ June 20th)

Those born under the Control-Alt-Delete sign are capable of quick, on-the-fly decisions and immediate actions, sometimes followed by almost-but-not-quite immediate regrets. Impatient and possessed of highly active imaginations, emotions, and wit, they are always ready and eager to start a new project or restart a current one in a whole different way.

The Control-Alt-Delete-born are very tactile in nature, responding quickly and enthusiastically to being touched, but once they get started, it's difficult or even hazardous to try to interrupt or stop them before they feel that they're finished.

Pink Pearl, the Eraser (June 21st ~ July 22nd)

Despite being cautious and careful in their actions and decisions, people born under the sign of the Pink Pearl Eraser find themselves always having to clean up after the mistakes and messes of others and often wind up feeling crummy as a result.

When given enough care and attention, children of the Eraser are able to remain flexible and understanding despite the wear-and-tear of daily life; if left neglected too long, however, their attitude often becomes hard and brittle.

Pentium, the CPU (July 23rd ~ August 22nd)

Pentiums are fast thinkers and highly analytical, though in their haste, they're also given to skipping over details and making small math errors, particularly where fractions are concerned. They're also strongly emotional and if not given enough room to cool off, tend to get hotheaded and unstable. Never get on the wrong side of someone born under the sign of Pentium, because if you do, they'll get prickly and easily bent out-of-shape.

Pentiums always expect to be the center of attention and are natural leaders, automatically assuming that they are in charge and that everything will go through them.

DeepRock, the Water Cooler (August 23rd ~ September 23rd)

People born under this sign are cool and easy-going, not easily pressed into quick decisions or fast action, especially on Monday mornings, Friday afternoons, or during the week.

Water Coolers are good listeners and willing to lend a sympathetic ear, at least as long as your problems make for sufficiently juicy gossip.

Keuffel and Esser, the Slide Rule (September 24th ~ October 22nd)

People born under the sign of the Slide Rule have a particular talent for extending themselves to handle new problems and situations. They are able to look at problems, both small and large, and immediately keep the basic details in proportion.

Elegant and dependable, Slide Rules are known for keeping their cool and never letting on that they're being pulled too far until they reach their limit and abruptly fall apart.

Weller, the Soldering Iron (October 23rd ~ November 21st)

Those born under the sign of the Soldering Iron are both passionate and focused, capable of directing their intense firey passions towards a single goal. Others may see the intensity of their inner fire, be drawn to it, and wind up getting burned, because once a Wellerian has gotten heated up and is focused on a goal, he or she may be unaware of or uninterested in anything else.

To be happy, the Wellerian has to have someone close in his or her life who has extra energy to be drawn upon when needed, otherwise those born under this sign may become cold, withdrawn, and ineffective.

Custom Imprinted With Your Company Logo, the Pocket Protector (November 22nd ~ December 21st)

Children of the Pocket Protector are very security-oriented and careful to protect others, sometimes even at their own expense. Friends and family may accuse the Pocket Protector People in their lives of being "unadventurous" or "not spontaneous enough," but those born under the Custom Imprinted With Your Company Logo sign must strive to trust their own wisdom and hold to their chosen course, values, and priorities and not be swayed by those around them who might be more rash and less thorough in their thinking.

Quake, the Video Game (December 22nd ~ January 19th)

Energetic, imaginitive, and often heavily armed, Quakers keep finding themselves abruptly plunged into the midst of chaos and crossfire, and solving or blowing up the current batch of problems and crises may turn out to be only the harbinger of a new, more challenging level of bigger problems and crises.

Able to don many different hats or "skins" to cope with this wide array of problems, the child of the video game often still finds himself or herself really looking for an even bigger gun with which to take out opponents.

Tux, the Penguin (January 20th ~ February 18th)

Free and independent-thinking, those born under the sign of Tux the Penguin are quick with thoughts and ideas, even if the rest of the world might not understand the thoughts and ideas in question. Rather than express feelings and problems with loud and aggressive warning and error messages that are apparent to anyone, their inner settings may only be visible to those who know them and have learned where and how to probe for them.

When it comes to romantic relationships, many people assume that those born under this sign would be incompatible or too complex, or that they simply wouldn't serve their needs, but with proper care and patience--and a certain amount of tweaking and experimentation--those born under the sign of Tux, the Penguin, are compatible with many platforms and star signs.

The Unnatural Enquirer, © 2001 Trygve Lode (trygve@trygve.com)

And don't miss the archives of this hilarious site here.

All of the astrological signs are represented in the TV program Lost. Our astrological makeup is much more complex than just one astrological sign, but just for fun let's take a look at these fascinating characters. Many of them are wounded souls on a healing journey, so we tend to see the shadow side of the signs but we can also see the direction they are headed in their evolution:

Aries - Sawyer is our Aries character. Primarily concerned with self-preservation, he is headstrong like the Ram and doesn't work well in a group. Aries has to be a leader, and if he can't be a leader he will want to operate alone. Sawyer originally set up his own camp and supplied himself with everything he would need. He is direct and not always tactful, and is not a good liar. He is passionate when stimulated, but can be cold as ice. As we see him begin to evolve we will see him take on more of the positive Aries characteristics: he may take on a greater leadership role in the group, and a possible relationship with Kate may soften his hard edges.

Taurus - we don't know Mr. Eko very well yet, but he is a classic Taurus with his strong bull neck and deep rich voice. His comment "don't confuse coincidence with fate" is representative of Taurus's desire for a practical experience of reality, unfettered by confusion. Eko has in his brief appearance on the scene demonstrated the famous stubborn quality of Taurus and also the ability to remain calm and unruffled during a crisis. He makes decisions deliberately and is not impetuous, but once he's decided on a course of action it will be impossible to change his mind.

Gemini - Moving like quicksilver, darting from here to there and with a youthful look and demeanor, Kate is our Gemini. Gemini is the twins, and there are always two personalities: one light and one dark. Kate is the unhappy girl who has murdered at least two people that we know of, yet she has a smile as bright and sunny as a spring morning. Geminis are impatient and versatile, they can dig a ditch and sing in a choir and the next minute they are cooking a ten course meal. But they have a tendency to hide from themselves--rather, the dark side and the light side will hide from each other. The quest for Gemini is to integrate and become a whole individual and this is Kate's challenge.

Cancer - Sun may be our Cancerian. Devoted to her family and husband, she is a homebody and doesn't like to stray far from her camp. We often find her in the garden, where she creates herbal mixtures to help cure the ailments of her fellow castaways. Cancer is the nurturer, the keeper of family histories, the geneaologist. Like the crab, they are shy with a soft and vulnerable inner shell that they seek to protect. In the past she sacrificed herself for the sake of her father and her husband. We are beginning to see her come into her own and begin to nurture herself as well.

Leo - Charlie embodies many traits that we associate with Leo. Seeking to express himself creatively with his music, he has a sunny disposition and is generally available to be helpful to the castaways. Leo longs to be admired and respected, and Charlie lives in the past when he basked in the adulation of his groupies and fans. He cares for Claire's child, but demands recognition for his abilities. The challenge for Leo is to begin to do good works for their sake and begin to let go of the egocentric desire for fame. However, like Charlie, Leos have big hearts and demonstrate kindness, and can always be counted on in an emergency.

Virgo - Meticulous, cautious and adept with machinery, Sayid is our Virgo. Virgos are famously perfectionists, and their detail-oriented natures make them excellent travel companions. They always have just the right tools for the job, and if they don't they can improvise with items they find on the beach. Like Sayid, Virgos seek to help others and must have a job to do. They make excellent employees and are loyal to a fault, which will explain how Sayid could perform the tasks required of him in the Iraqi Republican Guard. They are not good at relaxing or vacations because something always needs to be done, and on the island Sayid rarely takes a break from the task of finding someone to rescue the castaways. In romance, a Virgo will often seek out a partner who needs their help; Sayid was the only one to see past Shannon's self-centered exterior into her wounded center.

Libra - The departed Boone was our Libra. We didn't get to know him very well, and this is a characteristic of Libra. Libra is focused on the "other," and often loses the self in the process. Boone's focus was on pleasing those around him - what did Shannon need from him? What did Locke need? Libra is the Scales, and in seeking the famous Libra balance, they often tip from one end of the scale to the other in the effort to strike a balance and achieve personal harmony. Libras are focused on partnerships, and you will rarely find them alone. At the end of his life, with Locke's assistance, his Libra challenge was to balance his need to please those around him with a new strength in caring for himself.

Scorpio - Michael is our Scorpio. Passionate and emotional, he embodies the fiery water of the Scorpio man. Scorpio doesn't flinch from intense emotions, and doesn't really care what others think. The intensity of their nature can be off-putting, but they make the best and most loyal friends and lovers. They have a smoldering sensuality that is very attractive to women as we saw with Sun's potential attraction to Michael. Scorpios can be strict disciplinarians as they have a tremendous respect for power and want to instill that in our children. Michael's challenge will be to channel his frustration into a sense of empowerment, and begin to learn to let go and trust that life will take care of him.

Sagittarius - With her sunny disposition, Claire is our Sagittarian. Sagittarians are warm, generally optimistic, and typically liked by everyone. They generally have a great trust in life, unlike Scorpios, and this can make them naive in the face of danger. They typically dislike confrontation and prefer to approach life from a more superficial viewpoint, which can create problems as they ignore signals that warn of danger. Claire has great trust in Charlie, but may tend to prefer to remain unaware of some of the traits that have been bothering her about him.

Capricorn - Hard-working Jack is our Capricorn. Capricorns tend to be serious and focused on a goal, they seek to build something lasting in the world and make their mark on society. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn which often represents the father, and Jack's complex relationship with his father makes him want to both please his father and surpass him. Capricorn privately yearns for joy, for happiness, but he is relentlessly driven from within and tends to feel responsible for everything and everyone. Jack takes his role as patriarch seriously, and rarely lets his secret desire for a personal life get in the way. His challenge in the healing process will be to learn to accept himself for who he is rather than what he can accomplish.

Aquarius - The Aquarian embrace of oddity is embodied in John Locke. Aquarians seek a change to the status quo; they are not content to live life the way it's been lived before. The mystery of the island is not terrifying to Locke, he welcomes the opportunity to become transformed and sees more than anyone the healing properties that the island offers. He dislikes the hierarchy of power that puts Jack at the top rung of the ladder, and like all Aquarians prefers equality and brotherhood to a rigid social structure. "I love mankind, it's people I can't stand" is a common feeling among Aquarians. However, his ability to stand alone and allow himself to be transformed serves as a catalyst for the entire group of characters.

Pisces - Hurley is our Pisces, the Fish. Pisces is a chameleon, like water, they take the shape of the container they find themselves in. They are supremely adaptable to all situations. Like Hurley, who faced with endless days of boredom created a golf course. It is easy for Pisces people to slip into an unconscious approach to living their life, and this can often bring a string of bad luck and as we saw. Hurley's winning of the lottery brought him nothing but misfortune. Pisces is creative, imaginative and romantic, and their challenge is to keep both feet on the grounds while they live in the clouds. Life on the Lost Island is teaching Hurley to do just that.