Beyond Blue

On Mindful Monday, my readers and I practice the art of pausing, TRYING to be still, or considering, ever so briefly, the big picture. We're hoping this soul time will provide enough peace of mind to get us through the week!

By taking time to focus on the body part by part we begin to realize that we are more than our busy minds. We give our bodies the acknowledgment it rightfully deserves, possibly noticing pleasant or unpleasant sensations that we are carrying with us throughout the day. We may also become more aware as thoughts or emotions rise up in connection with particular body parts. Connecting with the body in this way is often where deep healing can occur.

At the end of track 3, of Elisha Goldstein's CD, "Mindful Solutions for Stress, Anxiety, and Depression," he recites this moving poem by Derek Walcot. Each time I hear it, I get a little closer to self-acceptance. And ironically enough, the day that I emailed Dr. Goldstein to write out the poem for me, I saw that a Group Beyond Blue member had posted it in a thread.

The time will come
When with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you have ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott, "Love after Love"

Today's interview is with happiness expert Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., who is Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside and the author of "The How of Happiness." In 2002, Lyubomirsky was awarded a Templeton Positive Psychology Prize. Currently, she holds a 5-year million-dollar grant (with Ken Sheldon) from the National Institute of Mental Health to conduct research on the possibility of permanently increasing happiness. Her research has been written up in dozens of magazines and newspapers and she has appeared in multiple TV shows, radio shows, and feature documentaries in North America and Europe

Question: I know that gratitude is one key component of happiness, and you mention keeping a gratitude journal, where you regularly write down the things for which you are thankful. But are there other ways of practicing gratitude too?

Sonja: Absolutely. There are several ways you can express gratitude.

1. Write gratitude letters.

One strategy that has been test proven to promote happiness is writing gratitude letters. After you spend some time thinking about the people who you most appreciate you sit down to draft a letter to them. The mere act of expression is what is most important, so you don't even need to give them the letters.

2. Express gratitude in person.

Extroverts might benefit from expressing their gratitude in person to a special mentor, sibling, co-worker, or friend. It doesn't need to be formal. Just a simple gesture of thanks is only needed to feel the benefits of this kind of gratitude.

3. Express gratitude in art.

For more artistic folks, you could make a gratitude collage, where you cut out images of things or places or people that you most appreciate. For example, you might find a photo from a special vacation and paste it on your collage with other favorite things, like dark chocolate.

4. Make a gratitude date.

I like to make a gratitude date. By that I mean that I run with a partner and we will discuss all the things we are thankful for, so that the run is a time set aside to count blessings.

5. Devote one time a day to gratitude.

And there are certain times you can devote to gratitude. For example, at the beginning of your meals, or at bedtime, or when your husband gets home from work. Committing to a specific time establishes a practice of gratitude.

Question: I know that one of your suggestions for happiness is to develop strategies for coping with stress and hardships. Could you share with us some specific ways to do that?

Sonja: Sure. Gratitude, of course, is certainly one ... appreciating what you have. And leaning how to think positively, too, for example identifying the steps of action you can take if you are in a bad situation, instead of ruminating on it. Focusing on your strengths is a good way of empowering yourself. And finally, focusing on your relationships: spending time with love ones, and investing in your relationships are definite mood boosters.

To read more of Sonja Lyubomirsky, check out her book, "The How of Happiness," which is available in an iPhone application, as well.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.

To subscribe to "Beyond Blue" click here.

A recent Northwestern University study found that what makes a person a good dating partner might not determine who is a suitable spouse.

For couples in both a dating relationship and a marriage, an important contributor to a satisfying relationship is an understanding that a partner will help the other achieve his/her dreams. That's huge for married couples, too, but in the married relationship, it is even more substantial that the partner upholds his/her part of the commitment pledged before taking vows.

Explains Daniel Molden, assistant professor at Northwestern University and lead author of the study:

In other words, the feelings of being loved and supported that people use to judge who makes a good girlfriend or boyfriend may not be completely trustworthy in deciding who makes a good husband or wife. Those feelings may only partially capture the emotions that will determine your satisfaction with the person you marry.

Molden believes the study, to be published soon in the journal Psychological Science, helps to explain why so many marriages fall apart today.

Perhaps young adults enter marriage with a faulty notion of loyalty, and what is required of a faithful mate. Maybe we simply aren't as loyal as we used to be.

In their new book, "Why Loyalty Matters," authors by Timothy Keiningham and Lerzan Aksoy explore the connection between satisfying relationships, happiness, and loyalty. Their research is intriguing.

According to their studies the people who value loyalty -- to their spouse, family, and friends -- are happier and more satisfied with their lives than the executives working themselves to death in order to pay for the country club, enjoy the spa, and eat fancy cuisine (unless they do all those things with their spouse ... which would make it an "experience" not merely an "acquisition." Keiningham and Aksoy write: "The most important factor that separates happy people from unhappy people is our relationships with others. It is more important than money, and even more important than our health."

Just as the Northwestern study indicated, the couples who are more loyal to each other--making good on the promises they uttered at the altar--are also happier. The loyalty translates into happiness.

But say you're a person who doesn't like to commit ... who always likes a lot of options. How do you train yourself to become more loyal?

Keiningham and Aksoy offer a Loyalty Advisor tool at www.loyaltyadvisor.com, where they assess your relationship style and examine your loyalties across multiple areas that relate to your happiness, and offer guidelines based on the results. The authors have come up with ten basic building blocks of our relationship DNA: leadership, reliance, empathy, security, calculativeness, connectedness, independence, traditionalism, problem-focused coping, and emotion-focused coping.

Northwestern's Molden hopes that his study will encourage young couples to not only think about how their partners will support their dreams, but also about how committed their partners will be to the obligations presented within a marriage as well. Because, as he says, "We could end up with both happier marriages and more satisfied people, in general."

To read more Beyond Blue, go to http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.

To subscribe to "Beyond Blue" click here.