Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue

Tuesday February 9, 2010

Categories: Relationships

Relationships Week: 12 Ways to Mend a Broken Heart

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Bess Myerson once wrote that "to fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful," especially if you are the one who wanted the relationship to last. But to stop loving isn't an option. Author Henri Nouwen writes, "When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful." But how do we get beyond the pain? Here are 12 techniques I've gathered from experts and from conversations with friends on how they patched up their heart and tried, ever so gradually, to move on.

1. Go through it, not around it.

I realize the most difficult task for a person with a broken heart is to stand still and feel the crack. But that is exactly what she must do. Because no shortcut is without its share of obstructions. Here's a simple fact: You have to grieve in order to move on. During the 18 months of my severe depression, my therapist repeated almost every visit: "Go through it. Not around it." Because if I went around some of the issues that were tearing me apart inside, then I would bump into them somewhere down the line, just like being caught in the center of a traffic circle. By going through the intense pain, I eventually surfaced as a stronger person ready to tackle problems head on. Soon the pain lost its stronghold over me.

2. Stand on your own.

One of the most liberating thoughts I repeat to myself when I'm immersed in grief and sadness is this: I don't need anyone or anything to make me happy. That job is all my own, with a little help from God. When I'm experiencing the intense pangs of grief, it is so difficult to trust that I can be whole without that person in my life. But I have learned over and over again that I can. I really can. It is my job to fill the emptiness, and I can do it ... creatively, and with the help of my higher power.

3. Detach.

Attempting to fill the void yourself--without rushing to a new relationship or trying desperately to win your lover back--is essentially what detaching is all about. The Buddha taught that attachment that leads to suffering. So the most direct path to happiness and peace is detachment. In his book, "Eastern Wisdom for Western Minds," Victor M. Parachin tells a wonderful story about an old gardener who sought advice from a monk. Writes Parachin:

"Great Monk, let me ask you: How can I attain liberation?" The Great Monk replied: "Who tied you up?" This old gardener answered: "Nobody tied me up." The Great Monk said: "Then why do you seek liberation?"

4. List your strengths.

As I wrote in my "12 Ways to Keep Going" post, a technique that helps me when I feel raw and defeated to try anymore is to list my strengths. I say to myself, "Self, you have been sober for 20 years!! Weaklings can't pull off that! And here you are, alive, after those 18 months of intense suicidal thoughts. Plus you haven't smoked a cigarette since that funeral back in December of last year!" I say all of that while listening to the "Rocky" soundtrack, and by the last line, I'm ready to tackle my next challenge: move on from this sadness and try to be a productive individual in this world. If you can't list your strengths, start a self-esteem file. Click here to learn how you build one.

Tuesday February 9, 2010

Categories: Relationships

Group Beyond Blue: Letting Go of Someone You Thought Loved You

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Group Beyond Blue member Blondie started an interesting thread on Group Beyond Blue at Beliefnet Community called "Letting go of someone you thought loved you." She writes:

Unfortunately, 4 years ago I fell in love with my boss. It has affected my depression and moods so much and now I have to let go of a dream that I had. Unfortunately he is married. Anyone have any suggestions? Why did I get involved in the first place? This is not something that is healthy and I realize that it is a sin to love someone that is not yours. I do have to say that I believed 4 years ago when he said he was leaving his wife but not because of me he was already taking those steps so .... I let myself get involved. 

Now, I have to work for him and with him and shove away all the emotions and feelings. Hard to deal with because there is a part of me that is so angry with myself and him.

My doctor just switched me to Pristiq so I am hoping that this might help deal better when I am at the office. Effexor was just not working. Making me very aggressive and more angry.

Other than finding another job how do I get back to just being an employee and friend?

Just need to know if I am alone in this?

To tune into this discussion thread, click here.

Monday February 8, 2010

Categories: Mental Health

Mindful Monday: Pain Is Still Pain

s-CRYING-IS-HEALTHY-large.jpgWhat is it about the pain of depression that we are afraid to call it pain?
 

I mean, when a close friend goes in for a hip replacement or is diagnosed with breast cancer, we hold them in prayer and love. We encourage them to cry as we hold their hands. But when it comes to mental pain--that familiar wish to be dead, and the dread of waking up in the morning--we don't want to say anything for fear that we'd be whining.

I mean, look at Haiti, Somalia, and Afghanistan. That's pain.

I'm guilty of this discrepancy too. I'm guilty of it today. The last week has been one of those stretches where the beast has me by the ankles as I try my best to meet all my deadlines and remember which days the kids wear a PE uniform. There have been few moments that I haven't been begging God for a little help.

When I'm in one of these funks, I automatically think of Haiti or the third-world country most in the news and try to zip it. Because their pain should make mine go away, right? Think about that. Does it really work that way? If my husband suffers a fever of 104, I must make myself believe that my fever of 102 feels great! And then there's this ... Maybe his threshold for pain makes his fever feel more like 99 while my ultrasensitive disposition makes anything over 98.6 feel like burning coals to me.

Monday February 8, 2010

Categories: Relationships

It's Relationships Week on Beyond Blue!

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Just like last year, I've decided to hold a "Relationships Week" on Beyond Blue because depression affects so many of our relationships and because my articles on relationships always get a good response.

So, in preparation for Valentine's Day on Sunday, here's the line-up this week:





Tuesday

* 12 Ways to Mend a Broken Heart
* Group Beyond Blue: Letting Go of Someone You Thought Loved You

Wednesday

* 12 Ways to Recover from an Emotional Affair
* 10 Signs of an Emotional Affair
* Emotional Affair Support Group

Thursday

* 9 Ways to Affair-Proof Your Marriage
* Video: Date Night
* Rules for Date Night

Friday

* You Deplete Me: 12 Steps to End a Toxic Relationship
* 50 Ways to Keep Your Lover (For Men)
* 50 Ways to Keep Your Lover (For Women)

* Quiz: Are You In a Toxic Relationship?


Click here to subscribe to Beyond Blue and click here to follow Therese on Twitter and click here to join Group Beyond Blue, a depression support group. Now stop clicking.

Friday February 5, 2010

Categories: Friendships

10 More Ways to Make Friends

how to make friends.jpg I've been writing plenty about how to clear out all the toxic friends from your life. But then you have no friends. In a prior post, I listed 13 ways to make new friends. John Grohol of Psych Central just published 10 more ways. To get to his post, click here. I have excerpted it below....
 

No matter what method you try, making new friends requires something I can't give you in this article -- courage. It takes courage to go out and actually take a leap of faith by introducing yourself to someone new and taking a chance you may be rejected. That's why smaller groups are almost always easier -- you can figure out who might make a good friend in such group situations.

1. Join a local Meetup (or start your own).

Meetup is a website that seems like it's been around forever (but has really only been around since 2001). It allows you to join local groups meeting in your community on hundreds of different topics of interest -- from hobbies, to careers or vocational, to entertainment or just shared interests. In another time, these may have been referred to simply as hobbyist groups, but the site allows people to meet for virtually any reason. There were 1,441 groups in the greater Boston area, on topics ranging from hiking, night life, poker, entrepreneurs, and movies, among many, many others.

2. Join a bowling league.

Bowling not your thing? Any team sport will do, whether it be your company's softball league, fantasy football league, or yeah, even a bowling league. Sound corny? Maybe it is, but it's a tried and true method that millions have used for decades.

3. Take Facebook to the next level.

Sure, we all have lots of friends on Facebook or another social networking site. But maybe your virtual friends lack giving you that something extra or special thing that meets your needs. That's understandable, because while online friendships can be just as rewarding and intimate as face-to-face friends, they don't satisfy all of our face-to-face needs always (and not everyone finds online friendships as satisfying). But you can build upon your online friendships with the ones who are geographically close by suggesting shared activities you can do together locally. It could be as simple as getting a cup of coffee together or seeing a movie together. Even if you're not close by, some people find talking to another person on the phone is also more rewarding, and a simple way to bump up your Facebook friends to the next level.

4. Consider your favorite religion.

Whether you're a member of a church, temple, parish or some other religious group, most religions share one thing in common -- a sense of building their own community and strengthening internal ties to one another. Some churches seem to operate more as one large extended family than anything, while in other churches you may feel like nobody seems to even socialize with one another outside of service. But they all likely have social groups or other kinds of volunteer groups that you can join, meet other like-minded individuals, and maybe make a new friend or two.

Friday February 5, 2010

Categories: Relationships

How Do I Erect Personal Boundaries? Control Your Own Drawbridge

Spiritual author Henri Nouwen on erecting personal boundaries.

Thursday February 4, 2010

Categories: Mental Health

Newsweek: Do Antidepressants Work? For Many People, YES!

I admire Newsweek writer Sharon Begley's work ... especially when she explains ways we can try to rewire our brain. But I found last week's cover story irresponsible. If, for no other reason, than its title and subtitle: "The...

Thursday February 4, 2010

Categories: Depression, Mental Health

The Latest on Antidepressants: Be Careful Where You Get Your Facts

James Gordon, author of "Unstuck" and Charles Barber, author of "Comfortably Numb" present some interesting statistics on antidepressants. However, for persons like myself who suffer from severe depression, some context is needed to their facts. An article in the Summer...

Wednesday February 3, 2010

Categories: Mental Health

From the Maternity Ward to the Psych Ward: What Every Mom Should Know

Awhile back I was asked by "Dallas News" reporter Nancy Churnin to guest blog on "Dallas Moms," (part of "The Dallas Morning News"). They wanted me to write about motherhood and mental illness, and of course I have no...

Wednesday February 3, 2010

Categories: Mental Health

Postpartum Progress: Guilt and Postpartum Depression

What should mothers do about the guilt that comes with postpartum depression?

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