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Eric wants to call this blog “Beyond Blue Balls.” That’s his way of saying two things: I’m working too much at night, and I’m not meeting his physical needs.
If he compared notes with other husbands of sleep-deprived mothers, he would discover that he is actually quite lucky: his wife sleeps with him an average of 2.5 times a week to ensure he doesn’t start surfing porn at night or sleep with his assistant. That’s quite generous given that she presently finds sex as satisfying as an oil change (That’ll do for awhile).
“How are the sexual side effects?” my doctor asked me last visit.
“Ha!” I said. “Who cares? I don’t want to die anymore! I wake up and can breathe on my own without using a paper bag! It’s taken me a year and a half and 23 different medication combinations to get here. I’m not going to chance it all for a measly orgasm.”
I thought about William Styron’s comical reaction to his doctor’s explanation that the antidepressant Nardil at optimum dosage could have the side effect of impotence. Styron writes in his memoir “Darkness Visible“: “Until that moment, although I’d had some trouble with his personality, I had not thought him totally lacking in perspicacity; now I was not at all sure…I wondered if he seriously thought that this juiceless and ravaged semi-invalid with the shuffle and ancient wheeze woke up each morning from his Halcion sleep eager for carnal fun.”
“There are different medications we could try that are better for libido,” my doctor explained.
“Look,” I said. “I’ve been on SSRIs [Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors] since I was 18. I’ve never been all that orgasmic. And on top of it I’m Catholic.”
“There are a couple of books you could read, such as ‘Reclaiming Desire,’ or you might want to go to a specialist…”
“Like Roz Focker (Barbara Streisand), the sex therapist in ‘Meet the Fockers‘?” I asked. Now I had visions of Eric and I blowing into each other’s ears, massaging each other’s feet, holding hands as we sat in a circle of other copulation morons at a sex camp in Vermont.
Maybe there will come a time when I’ll be able to have my cake and orgasm too. But for now I’d rather be neutered and alive than dead and blissful.
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Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
Meet others on the journey in
Therese’s community group
Ask Therese to be your friend
Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
posted February 6, 2007 at 5:10 pm
That was a great post, and so full of truth. I’ve been lucky enough not to have many sexual side effects as a result of my medication – I got dehydration, but I got to keep my orgasms. But sometimes it amazes me how much some people can miss the point. Side effects suck, but depression is worse. And incidentally, your children are how old? Yeah . . . he’s doing pretty well in the frequency-of-sex department, all things considered.
posted February 7, 2007 at 11:06 pm
Not to go looking for an argument ladies but consider this… my ex-wife proposed we have an ‘open relationship’ as depression and other mental health issues came between our complete expression of love. I declined her offer and chose very infrequent ‘co-minglings’ of our flesh. I was OK with that for three+ years… until she said Flat Out… “I was a nicer guy when I was depressed.” Then I knew our marriage was finished (not my love mind you), and shortly after moved out. Only then did I pursue another woman… many times I was tempted and many times I enjoyed the flirting; but I did respect our vows until we parted ways.
posted November 16, 2007 at 3:30 pm
aldelbas
posted April 5, 2008 at 8:12 pm
I AM ALIVE, I DO HAVE A VERY STRONG SEX DRIVE ( Mind you, 66 going into 67, and ALONE), I lost my hair, now I am “the silver fox” (beautiful and lots of it, hair), I just return from Lhasa, Tibet, I climbed all the way up the Potala Palace, 14,000 ft above sea level, slowly, very thin air, but secured, I was a month in China, 2007, and another month in several countries in Asia, 2006. The trip from S Fco. to Beijing: 17 hours, plus the hours from Fl. to S. Fco. The walking, and up and down broken, irregular steps plus squatting to
go to the bathroom, is something to talk about. Then, a man from the past resurfaced, great sex, very giving,
but, (there is always a but,) very controlling. You see, I forgot to mention, that as a result to the chimo, my eyes are very dry, and my joints, specially my knees, bother me a lot, but I AM ALIVE AND LIVING. Well, going back to the man,:1) He wants me to move with him, his dog, and his horse, no friends or family, to a very secluded, silent and lonely place. 2) He wants me to DYE MY BEAUTIFUL SILVER MANE!!!! 3) He wants me to start using, again, VERY HIGH HEELS, ( Christian Loboutin, Manolos) I love them but REALLY!!!!4) I am not ALLOWED to say my age,5) He wants me to put a lot of make up on MY VERY DRY EYES. NO WAY JOSE!!!! My answers:
1) MY LIFE, MY WHOLE FAMILY LEAVES HERE. 2)NO WAY, I LOOK LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS WITH THIS HAIR 3) Come on, GET REAL!!! I do look ten years younger than my age (genes and attitude), but those heels are WMDs, beside my knees said NO!!! 4) His age (one year older than me) is his problem, well to be fair, this point did not bother me that much. 5) MY VERY DRY EYES, were, always, one of my best assets, sometimes I can put some make up on, other times I can not, but I AM ALIVE.
I may send him “A LATIN BARBIE” and be done with it. I think he has plenty of porno videos and “pay help.”
What do you think?
Note.- I am divorced, sexless and abusive marriage, two grown up children, a girl and a married boy.
posted February 16, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Refusal to consider medication that could improve your libido is an unbelievably selfish act. The coldness and indifference you are not only showing, but actually choosing to show towards your husband makes you an abusive wife. The incredible peace I felt recently when prostate cancer treatment took away my libido really brought home to me the abuse of sexual neglect that I had suffered over 36 years of marriage. So much emotional pain suddenly stopped. I didn’t want my libido back. That is a bloody awful thing for a wife to make her husband feel. If you push your husband into divorce or adultery, he sins, but your sin is far greater, as the one by whom temptation comes.