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An epiphany can mean several things: an “Aha!” moment after relentless searching and study, the first time you see something (or someone) in its natural form, or the Christian feast commemorating the visit and adoration of the Christ Child by the three wise men.
As a child, I imagined I was a Wise Girl (not a mafia chick or Wonder Woman’s best friend), an astrologer from the east guided by a bright star towards Bethlehem. I wondered what special gift I could give Jesus and his parents in addition to the gold, frankincense, and myrrh presented by the Magi.
Yesterday, on the feast of the Epiphany, I remembered the “Aha!” moment of a year ago.
I prayed and prayed and prayed some more that God would take away my depression.
I was in church, kneeling, bawling my eyes out (typical behavior at that time).
“If you never take away this depression,” I said to God, “then I can never know what my real gifts are. I can’t offer the world anything until you take this bloody thing away!”
The reading that day was 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10, the text where Paul appeals to God three times to remove the thorn from his flesh. I didn’t like what the Lord said back to Paul, but it made sense:
“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.”
Paul goes on to say, “So I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.”
The message I heard from the heavens that day on my knees was this: “Look, dear child, I know your depression and whacky moods really suck, but can’t you see how they also add to your empathetic and introspective nature? I’m sorry, but the constant PMS-like symptoms keep you humble, faithful, and compassionate towards others that suffer. So learn to deal with them.”
In other words, I pleaded with God to take away the blindfold so that I could paint a masterpiece in my lifetime. But not only did he not restore my sight, he insisted that any masterpiece I might produce on this side of death could only be created in my blindness.
In my 35 years as a Catholic I had heard this passage many times before and listened to countless interpretations of it–the purpose of suffering, the role of humility, and so on. But never did I attach it to my depression.
“If this is a gift,” I yelled back to God, “then I want to return it! Now!”
But the divine creator doesn’t operate like a customer service representative. There are no merchandise exchanges, or 30-day guarantees up where he hangs out. What you get is what you get.
Have you had any epiphany moments?
posted January 8, 2007 at 9:27 pm
At age 18, my son told me he was gay. We went to mass together the next morning and I silently prayed:’Lord, I know the Catholic church does not accept gay people (unless they confess their sexuality as a sin). In spite of this, I believe Your greater Love and acceptance of my son remains steadfast.’ Immediately, I felt such a loving & divine acceptance (I could never convey the intensity and joy of this moment) that reassured me of God’s love for gay people in general and my son in particular.Then, unexpectedly and with the same certainty that God loved and accepted my son, I felt (and here’s the epiphany) that same divine love and acceptance of my own self.I was given an unshakable knowing that God loves and accepts me with all my sins, my falling short of the Catholic ideal, my severe depression and everything that entails. Until that moment, I was only dimly aware that I had been carrying a deep sense of unworthiness. I’d been holding to the understanding (born through depression) that I was unloved and that God Himself could never love my hideous self. I was set free that day. For the opening of a channel, a means for God’s love to flow freely into my life, unhindered by my mortal doubts and fears, I will be ever grateful.
posted January 9, 2007 at 10:02 am
I’m glad that you open your door to freedom and remember God loves all his children and never singles one out for another ….
posted August 25, 2007 at 2:55 am
It is absolutely true that depression can lend empathy to others in pain, can remind you that suffering is inherent in life (although isn’t that piling on?) and otherwise, if somewhat under control medically, lead you to positive places in your spirituality.
Still, I admit my response to G-d would have been somewhat parallel to St. Augustine’s:
“Lord, if it is your will, give me depression …”
“BUT NOT YET.”
posted October 8, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Re – My Epiphany on Epiphany Sunday
“If this is a gift,” I yelled back to God, “then I want to return it! Now!”
** Did you see the movie “Stigmata” (just a note, Martin Scorcese, has a vendeta against the Roman Catholic Church, and he is brilliant at presenting it, and hiding it) That line is the same in that movie, as she refers to her gift of Stigmata… “Pick up your cross, and follow Me” and of course the song “Follow Me”, where I go, what I do, I know ! Make it part of you to be a part of Me”
Just so you know, St. Paul (a Roman)was the pivot point for corrupting Christianity. Most of what he wrote was about himself, and the old “Dont’t do as I do, do as I say” (if you look closely, he has a disclaimer in every piece of his work like “Do this, don’t do that, although I have not reached that level yet”
But the divine creator doesn’t operate like a customer service representative.
** Yes He does !… “ASK -Ask and you shall recieve, Seek and you shall finf, Knock and the Door shall be opened unto you !”
You don’t ASK…you don’t get !
There are no merchandise exchanges, or 30-day guarantees up where he hangs out.
** Yes there is… under the Covenant/contract “FREEWILL”
What you get is what you get.
** Freewill dictates, it is your choice !
Have you had any epiphany moments?
** All the Time, it’s like Neal Donald Walsh’s Conversatipons With God
LUV 2 ALL
Wisdum
posted February 14, 2009 at 9:04 am
wednesday the 11th of february, god answered my questions in life. i was smoking marijuana and pondering the meaning of life. i figured it out as i realised that everything that happens, happens for a reason and then i felt the most distressed i’d ever been. it started to happen right in front of me as my friends around me discussed everything i loved in life to distract me from my thoughts. he spoke to me through them and told me that whatever i want in life he’ll get. and then i prayed (only subconsciously knowing that i was) for what i wanted in life. i saw the light of heaven as i knew that ultimately that was what i wanted and god was about to take me but then i realised i wanted my life, a particular girl and a particular career. Although not given yet, i have faith that they will be and that it is the devil casting any doubt i have. i’m the happiest i’v ever felt despite never really feeling depressed and i know that god is my conscience and i shall never be alone. when i have faith, i tingle and that is gods love and our love is strong.