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Today I recognize how distorted my thinking was back then, and I cringe when I read it.
But like an anorexic who thinks more weight loss will make her beautiful, suicidal folks are locked on death as the solution.
It’s difficult for people who have never wanted to die to appreciate the powerful manipulation of suicidal thoughts. It’s a little bit like being drunk and lonely, and holding a cell phone. You think that calling your ex-boyfriend is absolutely the right thing to do–until you wake up the next morning and thank the Lord in heaven you didn’t do it.
Now I know when I have that thought–if only I were dead–my blinders are on. Not that I always have the capability of taking them off. But just knowing my view isn’t accurate and that I’ll see correctly soon enough makes me less afraid and desperate.
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posted 6:13:58am May. 17, 2012 | read full post »
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In Sickness and In Health
posted 6:00:56am May. 15, 2012 | read full post » |
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Therese Borchard is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
Meet others on the journey in
Therese’s community group
Ask Therese to be your friend
Therese Borchard is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
posted February 17, 2007 at 3:57 am
Your right it is like that,for us. I have been there. And continue to fight!
posted February 18, 2007 at 5:32 am
i suffer from alternating bouts of anxiety and depression myself, and i have to say that your frank conversations are comforting to me. i don’t feel quite so alone or strange, like all this mess and darkness happens to other people, too. and as a student in a counseling program about to graduate in may, i am pleased every time someone has the courage to speak out and erase the stigma that is still attached to mental illness. thank you for you…
posted February 19, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Ahh… but I usually do call the ex boyfriend and say something stupid… and wake up the next day half the time not even remembering what I said. Letting go is so hard, and I miserable. But I don’t want to die… I ahd a suicidal fiance once, and I wasn’t strong enough to stay with him. Things were easier then, b/c I knew what to expect and knew what I wanted. Now, I have no idea what I want… no idea where I want to be, who I wnat to be with, now I am lonely and confused. I just hate not knowing… sad to say living with a suicidal abusive fiance was easier… ha, but I don’t like to take the easy road… appearently….
posted February 20, 2007 at 2:56 am
But when the Depression talks to you, and cajoles, and prods, and tells you that you have to die, and that you really have no choice, it’s so hard to resist the voice…