Confessions of a Suicidal Yogi

p.p.s.: i'm going to check back on your blog to see how you're doing!

Hang in there, Therese. We may not all know exactly what you're going through, but we're walking with you just the same.

I remember being firmly against medications as a method of fixing depression. It seemed like a cheap way out. After growing up some I began to look at it this way: there's a roadblock somewhere preventing the right stuff from getting to your brain, and the meds will take care of the roadblock. However, you can't give up on the meditation. After all, if you've crashed your car into a wall in the road, the wall not only needs to be removed, but the car needs to be fixed. Take your medication and continue to pray and meditate. I know it's difficult with bipolar disorder to concentrate, but you have to keep trying. Hell, it's difficult for me myself to concentrate, and I don't have BPD. But you have to keep trying. By the way, sweetheart, 99% of the world is not grateful for what they have. You have to realize that everyone is at least a little bit unsatisfied. Some people more so than others. You're one of those people. I am, too. And there are lots more like us. Are you in a support group? If you're not, find one. If you are, attend or continue to attend religiously. And begin to think positively. Having your screename be "Beyond Blue" only serves as a reminder that you are feeling down. Maybe change your name? Or begin associating the color blue with the sky or the ocean, something powerful and awe-inspiring? The kids will have plenty of baggage no matter how you die. My mother's parents died 16 years ago and she can still cry about it, especially around the holidays. And if your husband is still with you during all this, it's strengthening his soul, not draining it. He'd be a scumbag for dumping you in your hour of need. Take a few calming breaths. Begin telling yourself some eternal truths: 1. This is not your fault 2. This is fixable, or at least workable 3. There are some things you can control, and you need to take action on those things 4. There are some things you can't control, and you shouldn't worry so much about them 5. You are loved by family, by friends, and by God 6. This is not your time to go Most of all, you must begin to feel better about yourself. I don't think modern medicine often takes into account that our brains are very effected by our enviornment. Some suggestions: 1. Dedicate a room in your house to yourself and fill it with anything beuatiful that you love 2. If you feel you are a bad driver, ask your husband or someone to teach you how to improve yourself 3. Sit down and have tea-time or breakfast talks with your kids. It's very hard to ruin kids. A child's innocence is lost not through knowing that bad things happens, but by losing the sense that they are loved unconditionally. Let your kids know you love them unconditionally 4. Watch your diet. Make sure it's filled with nutritious fruits and vegetables that stiumulate the mind. Avoid foods packed with chemicals, and meat--meat causes sluggishness and puts a strain on the digestive system. 5. Watch yourself like a hawk! The minute you start feeling guilty or sad, do something. Never underestimate the power of distraction. Read. Watch a romantic comedy. Play with your kids. Cuddle with your husband. Meditate. Pray. Go volunteering. Go outside and watch the birds flying and singing. Surround yourself with some kind of beauty. Do some kind of creative outlet--write, paint, draw, sing, anything. Eventually, your happy "escape from reality" will become your reality. 6. Don't stop taking meds, but don't get frustrated when they don't appear to be working. These things take time and it is one of those things you simply can't control. Relax. And please know that you are not alone in this. Tons of people are suffering from a whole array of ailments. It's your duty to help those people in your sight. That includes yourself, and you must start with yourself. You're going to try and fail, try and fail, try and fail again. And then you are going to try again. If you fall seven times, get up eight times. Eventually your trying will pay off. Steel yourself ahead of time that you are going to feel the lowest of lows and well as the highest of highs. It's inevitable that this is going to happen. Don't be afraid of it. This happens to everyone who ever lives. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And never ever be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. Keeping your silence is the worst thing you can do right now. What I think is most important is for you to forgive yourself. Your words are riddled with needless self-hatred. I've been there, too, so don't feel bad. Like I said, everyone's a little bit unsatisfied. There's a lovely Jewish prayer that might help: "I turn to those I have hurt and ask forgiveness. I turn to those who have hurt me and forgive them. I turn within and forgive myself." If you're ever feeling down, repeat this to yourself over and over like a Buddhist mantra. My heart goes out to you. You are not alone, honey.

I'm 50 years old, Male 6', 300 lbs, and I'm sitting at my desk sobbing like a three year old who lost his teddy bear. I've been there, had all those thoughts and then some. Finally, three years back,coming close to the end of yet another failed relationship,I sought help. Guess what? I'm clinically depressed! Well at least now I know I ain't crazy! I have good days and bad days and worse days, but I'm still here and still in the relationship. To anyone considering the "final decision" DON'T!!! After all the thoughts of ending it, my life was almost ended at someone else's hand, and I discovered just how much I have to live for. Shalom to all, and especially you, Beyond Blue. Thanks for being a voice; our voice; crying in the wilderness.

I wonder what percentage of people feel this way and hide it. I know its got to be at least double of what it was 25 years ago. There is a great online depression (Christian) support group. Go to www.yahoo.com ,click on groups, then in the search box, type 'splashes of Joy'. The people are so amazing and supportive and non judgmental. Ok here's a switch for you. I have thought this way for about 15 years. I am in disabling pain, weakness. Iave lost my husband, children, country, home, jobs, ability to work, friends, and ended up in a bedroom in my parents home. I wanted to go home to heaven! Then 3 weeks ago I got told that I probably have less than a year to live. I should be happy I am out of this pain wracked, useless, alone body! (Lupus). I should be happy I finished my journey and get to go home early. (mid 40s). After all, that's all I wanted. My heart stopped many times, I had NDEs, got revived, and got mad at God for not letting me stay on the other side. I should be happy I will no longer be a burden on my terminally ill mother,father and brother.We all wonder who will die first. I keep wondering how I will do all I need to do before the end. People who die with cancer are pampered with help, agencies, hospices, medicines, home care, book, supportive friends and neighbors, but dying with any other disease, you are on your own. I am so much on my own that I don't even have anyone who would come to my funeral...I have been told a dozen times before that I can only live about 2 years in my condition, and i always thought "So what? My heart will stop again, I will have another NDE , I will be sent back to earth again, then they will tell me "2 years" again." I want to add here one thing I learned in those NDEs. WE expect a lot more of ourselves than God expects of us. He expects us to learn to love Him, find a relationship with Him though we can't see Him, and expects us to be good to our fellow man, but not to overdo our limits. He knows we have limitations because He created us the way we are. Don't expect so much from yourself, is what I was told. But this time of being told I may not live...it feels different. This time I suddenly WANT to get well, to ENJOY some of life, to learn as much as possible before going on to the next stage of our existence, maybe even stick around to see the Lord's second coming! It seems so ironic that when I wanted to die, even when my heart stopped, I was not allowed to die, and now I have a new husband (waiting for his immigration to come through, and now may never be with him, may never experience all my plans and dreams of a new life with him). This time I am on oxygen and have strength to be up less than 5 minutes. I am thankful for even 5 minutes because last week before I got the oxygen, my limit was 10 seconds. Lupus attacks different organs of the body as if they are foreign particles, thinking they are germs or viruses etc. I have had kidney failure, pancreas failure (diabetes), stomach failure (gastroparesis) well just damage to every organ, then it moves on to another organ to cause pain, fatigue, fever, inflammation, weakness. I have had 18 surgeries, many to remove lupus destroyed tissue. I've had just about eveything expendible removed, and parts of some organs I really need. Ok so what if hubby can't immigrate? What if I don't feel better after the treatment they offered me? Then I will want to die again. Depression is genetic in my family and I have spent my life fighting it with prescriptions, natural meds, alternative medicine, changing the way I am thinking, energy healing, chakra healing, A VERY STRONG FAITH AND COMFORT from my Lord (yes, people with faith get deperessed too, there are suicidal people in the Bible) positive thinking, on and on...and you DO get to the point that you think that NOTHING is going to work. So if nothing works, then I have learned that I am still here for a reason and I am not going to get out of here until I learn more, maybe learning to love life was my test, and as soon as I learned to appreciate it, then I "graduated" and got told I get to go home from this school called "earth". Is this feeling of wanting to live just a joke that will help me live through the current crisis, and then I will still be sick and alone and useless and in unbearable pain and still want to die? At least if this was cancer, I could KNOW it would end one way or another. Either you are cured or you die. With most chronic illnesses, you don't get that assurance, the pain is WORSE than cancer, and you don't get the medicines or the understanding or the support of any agency or family or friends or church. They don't understand an illness that goes on for 20+ years. They stop bringing "get well" cards and visits after 2 weeks! We are the pariah house, no one dares come to see us because thinking of 4 people who are dying makes them too sad. Its as if we have leprosy. My husband loves me so much he wanted to come help me take care of myself and my family, but there have been so many ridiculous delays that are too much to be coincidence, that I think its too selfish of me to want him with me, if it means I might pass away and he would be left a widower in a new country. it would also be horrible to live with a terminally ill wife and be in a country that he didn't know the culture yet and I can't even give him 3 meals a day. We have fantasized about going to some cruise or resort that supplies all the meals, entertainment, housekeeping, and just love each other until the "end"...but we are not rich...so I want to ask God why he wanted me to be SOOOO alone at the end and that no agency will help anyone in this house and I've had ads in the papers to hire someone but there is a labor shortage in Canada so there is not enough people willing to work for private people. So do we really want to throw out the baby with the bath water? Do we really want to stop the joy we feel when we smell something great, or learn something new, or hear children laugh, or accomplish something great, or overome a trial, or millions of other things that make up the small joys of life, or do we just want the pain (mental or physical) to stop? We are only sent to earth once, and if we don't learn from our trials, or do what we came here to do, we will spend eternity in worse depression and torment than we feel temporarily now...so since we are going to stay on this earth until we are finished, and even if we try suicide, or our heart stops, we will still live, unless its God's will that we have finished and can go home...we might as well make each day as enjoyable and bearable as possible. We should seek books or people or websites that can teach us how to enjoy life. The small joys are the only joys we have, but they do add up to lessons and memories and wisdom that we can share with others to get through their lives. Since we MUST be here, lets make it as wonderful as possible.Lets go home with lessons learned, knowing we tried our best, even when things were too much to carry, and that we asked the Lord to help us carry our loads, so that we can hear Him say "Well done thou good and faithful servant, enter therein." HANG IN THERE!!!