Reader Response: The Emotional Affair

I realize that it is probably mostly women that are reading here, but I'd like to add a thought from the male perspective. I've benefited from the help this blog has offered regarding depression and how to live with it day to day. From time to time, however, there have been little asides about men & sex that have bothered me. In previous columns I recall that the writer has had (to my mind) a strange view of needing to "put out" for her husband so that he wouldn't cheat on/leave her. The other day there's complaints about being somehow being victimized by a troubled teenage boy wanting a relationship with the writer (supposedly a grown 40-somthing woman). Today there's this man who's feeding lines to get her into bed and when that fails he's moving on to the next woman without a thought. Now perhaps everyone will regard my perspective as being highly subjective, but does anyone else find this a little warped? I don't know these men being referred to, but I must confess that those men that I do know (and especially myself) are not looking for their marriages to thrive by making their wives feel they must keep "putting out" or else. And if this engineer woman was really feeling a connection with this man, why is it so easy to assume that the man didn't likewise feel the same way? No doubt there will always be those who regard men as cold-hearted monsters driven only by lust but to me this is a stupid stereotype to be perpetuating.

Therese, I didn't know where else to post this, so here goes: There is, in the Washington, D.C. metro area (I know you live in gorgeous Annapolis, which isn't too far away), a neuropharmacologist who prescribes psychotropic meds based on a patient's EEG, which he has done at his office. I've recently started going to him and can see some improvement with the OCD I've had for over forty years (after no help at all with 16 years of meds prescribed by regular psychiatrists). His website is: http://www.michaelandersonmd.net If you have any more questions about it, or just want to talk with another person of faith battling mental illness (I'm also being treated for depression), please e-mail me at the address I provided. Take care, and Life & Light in Jesus' Name!

Why is everyone so sure that "he" is using "her?" Isn't she an equal partner in this? Wasn't she using him just as much? Sex wasn't happening, so you can hardly say he was trying to put another notch on his belt. Or that she was trying to put one in hers. Someone needs to come up with a name for this syndrome where such innocent women get to enjoy blaming men for eveything. I think it is called "Life." It astounds me how whenever a man ever fools around (physically, or as in this case, emotionally)it is because he is a bastard. And if a woman ever fools around, it is also because the man is such a bastard. In fact, both men are presumed to be bastards - her husband and her lover. My heart goes out to all the poor, innocent, blameless women in this world who are constantly being "used" by men. Which, as the women tell it, consists of every living female on this earth. Time to grow up, Wendy.

I did not know where to ask this question... So here it goes- I recently broke it off with a man I was dating for 1 1/2. He only came to visit me twice a month on the weekends. The entire time my close friends swore that he was cheating on me. I always remained faithful dispite the underlying clues of infidelity. I have not spoken to him in 2 months but I think about him every day. He has informed me that he has completely moved on.. How do I get him off my mind?

i so feel this way i once had a friend that was a family member of my husband and everyone thinks that something more happened that what really happened. I have asked for forgiveness and it seems like still to this day that no one belives me. I feel that I have lost my husband because he says it keeps coming back to him now granted it happened over 2 years ago and nothing really happened except i hide a realasionship from everyone that his cousin was seeing one of my real good friends and neither one wanted any one to know about. Then when people found out my friend and his cousin even stated that things happen that never did and i will live with this the rest of my life but i love my husband and don't want to lose him. If anyone could give me some advice it would be great you can email me at kidsrus_2007@yahoo.com i would really be thankful

YOu know, I am ending a relations of the same sorts. Even though, it seems from time to time I still think of him a lot. My emotional relations is with someone of the cloth. I have come to the conclusion that I except the part I have in it. And I am and want to work on it to make things right.. I love my husband and I love him too. But I am making a big mistake because I made the choice to honor my spouse( who is not emotionally there for me.) This is tragic because it stems for childhood emotinal baggage. That, by being with my spouse that has made the suppression come out in our relationship. It drove me to seek companionship some where else. Especially.. it being someone of the cloth. Beside going and praying about it, I thought that he had the answer that maybe God could work with him to give me an answer to my problem. Because Intimacy was how I would work out my frustrations. it was a beautiful thing with my spouse but when he couldn't provide it any more i seeked it else where. But I see that it is a farce. He told me right out of his mouth. "That he was just a man like any other man." But being blind and nieve I couldn't see it. I was raised sheltered, very sheltered. Most of my life going to church from age 8. So now I am rehabilitating myself the best way I know how. But for the lady in the same situation, get help. Talk to someone about it if you really want to get out of it. Wether it is with a good friend who can keep a secret or professionally.

I have been married twice. And, divorced twice. Both of the men, I am sure, loved me in their own way. But, Neither marriage, as it has turned out, was with the right man.I worked hard on both marriages, but it wasn't enough.There were things definitely missing. To start with there wasn't any spark, no pidder, padder of the heart. I thought both times the love would just happen, and grow as time went by.That did not happen, either time. Four years ago, I started a so- called, friendship with, I thought at the time, a wonderful man. In some ways he still is. This man was also married. He told me that right away. He also said, they mightbe getting divorced.And, he wasn't sure he loved her anymore. We saw each other, but not what you would call on a regular basis. The man works 7 days a week. Yes, he actually does.After a short time, he moved in with one of his brothers, and his brothers wife, and family.Again, he actually did. Our relationship advanced. About two and half years ago, he and his wife got a legal separation.I was not the cause of it. I see him as much as is possible. But, they still have not finalized the divorce. He has been telling me for over three years he loves me. Actions to me, are worth more than words.I am in counseling, because I do get depressed, over this. I love this man from my heart. After hanging in there for four years, do I just give up, and move on or what?

I am in the middle of getting divorced and am also "having an affair". The only thing is, I feel more like I am cheating on my boyfriend when i still have to come home and be in the house w/my soon to be ex husband, who was never there for me emotionally either. He isn't a bad man, he just wasn't capable of intimacy and that is extremely painful to live like that. My current boyfriend is also my soulmate as others have mentioned, and it is unfortunate that we have had to meet under these circumstances, but we love each other so deeply, and plan on being together and getting married in the near future, as soon as i am divorced. I am not making excuses for my behavior, which also started out as friends and developed over time into a romantic relationship, but i do not think there are always right and wrong answers here. ?You have to do what makes you happy and if a marriage is unhealthy and you found love elsewhere i am not one to judge. As long as you are clear headed and cognizant of what it is you are doing and one hundred percent certain that it is the right thing for you. As for the way others will look at it, i have been the pariah here in town and it is difficult to deal with. But let me quickly add the "other man's" perspective; my bf is under a huge amount of distress over this, as he loves me and obviously as anyone who truly loves another would feel, he doesn't want to have to share. It kills him every time i have to leave, and we together are just looking forward to the day we can just be "normal", as normal as we can be!!

I think that all who have loved have had a person on the side to connect with. I am not saying that everyone is cheating, its just that you need a good person to give you insight on what your partner might be thinking. I have a close male friend that helps me see what I might have missed with my boyfriend. I might be lost without my friend but I am not cheating on my boyfriend because I seek another man for input. Thats just me. Oh and for Richk I agree I think we women play damsel in disstress too much.

"Imagination!" What an awesome word, Beth. I am a twice-widowed 59-year-old-woman, and in my life, I have had several male friends whom I have considered "soul mates." However, the main soul mate was my last, late husband. He was 19 years older than me, but our marriage lived out in our heads - we "lived" our imaginations! We were both very spiritual, but, though the Biblical statement is, "Love your neighbor as yourself," he could never love HIMSELF. He lost a leg due to an aborted suicide attempt, and during our 6 years together, attempted it several times. You ask - how could he give me love? Because I REALLY loved him; I gave him unconditional love that seeped through every cell of his body. He died while I held his hand at 5AM in the morning in the hospital. I miss him far more than I ever thought I could miss anyone. During my "long" life, I have imagined many scenarios with other men - men who were platonic friends, and some who "crossed the line." My husband divorced his wife for me. He knew I felt like "the other woman." And he made an "honest woman" out of me. We were married just 3 months, but lived together 6 years. He fulfilled every "fantasy" of a man I could devise; other men pale in his shadow. I met a man two months after he died who I started an intimate relationship with (neither one of my husbands could make me climax; this guy did). But - he took me for $25,000 because I was so vulnerable and gullible after my husband's death. I have seen him off and on for 3 years; but I haven't seen him since last January. He was only a physical release for me - there was no real love involved. So - what am I trying to tell you here? Sometimes what we imagine a man is going to be is just that - a wish-fulfillment. We can't make it real all the time; sometimes it's as elusive as a dream. But I say, if you love someone - really - love someone, GO FOR IT. Life is really WAY too short to deny true, honest feelings. God does not want us to deny ourselves, but he also doesn't want us to do anything to hurt ourselves. Conscience (the still, small voice of God), is the only real way to determine if a relationship is going to work or not. Don't hold onto a will-o-the-wisp, hoping it will turn into something solid. But - don't deny your real feelings; that leads to depression. Much love and blessings on all.

It is hard to imagine crossing a line, or having more than an emotional affair... but I did just that after much persuasion from him. Ironically I came upon this blog/list of comments this evening. I ended it, as I could never quite let go of the fact that there were other people invovled, such as a wife and children. I think of him, and struggle to decipher what he really felt, or didn't feel. The bottom line, wait for something you can call your own vs. something that simply belongs to another.

I honestly think the whole thing is silly! Emotional Cheeting? Pahleze! Maybe its because I have children and realize that every single person brings something differant to the table, that I know for a fact where some emotional sharring with one is not something you can share with another. So should I feel guilty if I tell my co workers something that I didn't think to tell my husband, no. I think most people these days place too much in the spouse. They are supposed to be everything to you yet how can they when they are only human? Maybe I just have a big hart and realize that you can love many (and we are so not talking about cheeting here) but my spouse is the person who I chose to grow old with. I would tell my co workers about the sexually rude guy at the department store before I would tell my husband because my husband would be upset about it. I have formed bonds with men and women and know that you just like who you like! Sometimes it can't be helped regardless of your best efforts. And yet if you form an emotion bond with a samesex coworker you don't feel guilt? Seems weird to me.

Brenda, The Bible states that punishment is for God. No one in your church has the right to do that to you or anyone.
Going to church is supposed to bring you comfort in times of need, not more stress. All those who felt they had the right to make you suffer are committing a sin. If I were you I would look the pastor in the eye and remind him of this.
In case you in any way bought into what was said and/or done, remember: IF, what you did was wrong, it was a sin of the heart and should only have been between your spouse and God. All those who felt the right to punish you, decided they were gods.

Getting emotionally attached is not a difficult thing to do. It's always easy being the one doing the criticizing. We all have our weaknesses.

I'm not sure this is where I should post this since its taken from the view of the person on the opposite end of the spectrum. However currently I am on the other side. My wife is having an emotional affair with another man that she works with. There is not much I can do at this point since she lives over 36 hours away on the east coast and I currently am working in Colorado. Our careers went 2 separate directions when I separated from the Navy so I could be with my family, however I could not find work in the area even though I searched continually for over 6 months. A job showed itself in Colorado. And after much discussion we agreed it would be for the best since she was transferring to Tennessee a few months later and then I would try to get transferred there after I had my foot in the door with national company. Several things happened and she began to tell me about a friend who was helping her finish some work around the house at first I thought nothing of it. My wife is a proverbial Tom boy even now she repairs jet engines for the Navy and is around mostly men all day. So her having friends who are men is a casualty of her job and personality. However She came to visit me and there was something wrong. i was still working while she was here, our affections were brief and not for us but just to please me. And when our Cell phone bill showed up I had even more questions. She had spent 6 hours talking on the phone with this friend. And when I questioned her (I should have calmed down first) she jumped to divorce. Her command even noticed that there might be something going on. and even placed a no contact order on the both of them. If it was bad enough for her command to notice, the neighbors notice and its affecting her to the point where she is making irrational requests for divorce when we thought our relationship was going well, where do I go from here?

BETH...I TOO WENT THE SAME THING WITH MY MALE BEST FRIEND AND WE NEVER SLEPT TOGETHER, BUT THERE WAS FEELINGS AND WE BOTH HAD OTHER COMMITTMENTS LIKE MY HUSBAND AND HIS GIRLFRIEND, AND LIKE YOU WE BOTH WENT THRU THE FIGHTING WITH THE SPOUSES OVER OUR FRIENDSHIP WITH EACH OTHER. IT TOOK ME OVER 2 1/2 YEARS TO TRY TO REPAIR MY MARRIAGE BECAUSE OF MY FRIENDSHIP WITH HIM AND I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING ITS SO HARD TO HAVE TO TURN MY BACK ON MY FRIEND, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE REALLY NEEDS MY HELP, BUT IF I DONT, I WILL HAVE NO MARRIAGE. MY HUSBAND IS MY SOULMATE AND MY LIFE AND I WOULDNT HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY. IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO REALIZE THAT FAMILY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN A TOXIC FRIENDSHIP. ALSO YOU SAID YOU FEEL SORRY FOR CAUSING ALL THAT PAIN TO HIS WIFE...YOU DIDNT DO IT ALL BY YOURSELF DID YOU? THINK ABOUT IT. GIVE ME A SHOUT SOMETIME...I CAN USE A SHOULDER TO CRY ON SOMETIME THAT KNOWS WHAT I WENT THRU AND WHO KNOWS MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU.

tattwo So what you are saying is that if you made a mistake and overlooked flaws before you married someone, tough luck, you're stuck?
I have to agree with those who say its okay, after working on your relationship , to move on...but you need to end one relationship before moving on to the next. There seems to be an assumption here that most spouses are innocent and trying as hard as they can....not always the case.
Brenda, since you are referring to a church I assume these are Christians doing this...not very Christian like behavior, is it?....I'd just walk up to the pastor and say "in regard to how you have treated me...what do you think Jesus would say to you about it? If you want to apologize I'll be at Joe's church down the street." Then forgive 'em if you can, if for no other reason than it will do you a lot of good.
EJ...I'm sorry that you are going through this. The kindest thing you can do for yourself and for her is to just let her go, kindly and quietly. Holding on to somone who does not want to be there (and she still may care for you deeply, just not the way she needs to in order to be your wife) will bring nothing but pain for everyone. Fighting about it isn't going make her love you more.
Judge not folks...it tends to come back on ya.

I have met plenty of men I would love to date. And thinking they were single well guess what I found out through some geat friends that these men were married. I have another man who I think a great deal of, I would love to see our friendship grow, I keep praying to the lord about it. But date him, well no, to me it would ruin every thing I have with him. So, if you cannot date a person, and you like them why not just be friends.

I have a really close friend who's I can talk to almost anything about~
He's coming into town for a visit~ He moved to Arizonia last year,
he had been a *New Yorker but hated the Winters as they kept on getting
progressively colder* I told him that he was nuts for leaving~ I'm
also mad *cause he'd taken away my coping mechanism~I'll explain.
My husband has ADHD~it's like living in a house with a 16 year old
teen who has the attention span/patience of a 6 year old!!!!
I'm sometimes very close to screaming from what I have to go through~
A person who has ADHD will ask the same questions that they asked
five to twenty minutes ago~and they don't remember asking the question
in the first place! Brad is/was my sounding board,cooking partner,
politicial allay~ we also share a love for anything Egyptian,Roman or
English,love the same movies,baseball,fishing~and good wine!
Can't tell you how many wonderful dinners were shared over a good
bottle of wine,good food and really great talks.Our talks can get
really "very intellectual,arguementative~they can also be danger filled
as we've known each other since high school. He could "Blackmail me
back to 1968 if I'm not careful~it's something we laugh over!"
I would call the relationship that we have a "Emotional Exchange of
the Mind~and not of one of the heart. We do *love each other~but my
heart belongs to someone who is close to both of us~and it's not my
husband. It's someone who "stole my heart back in school~he's very
very dear to me" This person came into my life over 34 years ago*
My husband knows about him~ but he says that "he doesn't care"~in my
book, my husband because of his ADHD can't really show emotion~ the
first time I ever saw him cry was when we lost our much beloved 21 year
old Persian cat named Krystal~ We both had lost relatives that were
close to us~but he never shed a tear,not one~but when the cat passed
the man cried buckets!!!!

This isn't a comment, but I've been having a hard time, since I found out my husband called my daughter-in-law and asked her if she would serve him drinks topless, he says he is sorry and that he loves me. We have been seperated for a couple of months, but I think he really crossed the line. DOES ANYONE have anything to say that will help me to know how to handle this, it has been very painful and my husband thinks just because he asked me to forgive him I should fall right into his arms.

I met a very sweet younger woman at my place of work may years ago. The connection was immediate. I was married and 36 years old. She was single and 24. We started having lunch together. Soon, it was everyday and phone calls late at night while I was at the office. She filled a void in my life that my wife could never understand. She was compassionate, intelligent and most of all just so pleasant all of the time. I spent two years entangled emotionally with her but never crossed the line physically. I could never do that to my wife.
My friend eventually moved to California and the friendship has endured over 20 years. We speak occassionally and every few years or so she comes to New York to visit and we have lunch. I consider her a very dear friend that I love specifically for that reason. Till this day, never physical, both of us are single knowing sex would ruin the relationship. Ironically, the friendship outlasted my marriage of 23 years.

Hi Frank,
I think it is admirable that you have maintained your position and given in to the call of the flesh. It is quite amazing how your friendship outlasted your marriage. I'm psotitive that me and my friend will be friends forever because of our deep connection and our vow tonever go any farther with it. I'm sure that you find great comfort in being able to talk with someone that understands what you say as well as what you don't say. I find that kind of connection awesome. I'm still struggling with how my friend knows me so much better than my spouse of over 20 years. This man can feel when something is wrong and my husband can be in the same house and miss it.
How do you explain that? I can start a sente4nce and this mna can finish it. My husband really has no idea of who I really am and looks at me as only the house maker, mother, teacher, now a student working on another advanced degree, car pool mom, grocery buyer, and transportation to the doctor person. After all of these years, he still doesn't know the vivacious,adventureous,poetry writing, music playing,longing to be sexually conquered, funny loving woman he's married to. It takes continual prayer to stay focused.

I am a female whose husband has been having an affair over the past couple of years. I tend to not have the time of day for anyone who leads a double life, cheats on their partner, lies to them and carries on with someone other than their wife or husband. I find it repulsive, to say the least. If there are problems in the marriage that can't or won't be worked out; they need to be out in the open about them and then there's at least a choice, but to pretend to be working all the time, or travelling due to work, or attending social functions for work and carrying on with a co-worker, manipulating the entire scenario to suit their own selfish needs, is just the epitomy of WRONG. To place blame on their partner for anything, even to say it takes two to have a good marriage; it takes two to have a bad marriage. That's not necessarily true, here. I had no clue, for never in a billion years would I have thought for a second that my husband would've or could've cheated on me... EVER...!!! For one, he too had been very sick for a very long time. Over a period of 5 years I took care of him as he withdrew from his normal self. Just about the time he'd met his required time limit having no signs of illness, when I thought I'd see the man I used to know return healthy, everything went crazy. There had been no intimacy in our relationship for 17 years. He'd lost interest, his libido. He was impotent. When drugs came out years later to overcome this problem, he wasn't interested in it. He began to drink more and more, his job became very stressful and the alcohol problems progressed. He became someone I didn't even know. If anyone had a reason to cheat on anyone it surely wasn't him. There are things in relationships called boundaries and they weren't set up at the time. There are trust issues to be respected. They weren't. There are things we find in people we love from the get go, morals, scruples, integrity. Over time these qualities vanished, communication broke down, our marriage became one of emotional abuse on his part. He criticized everything I did and demeaned me as a person, unlike the person I loved all this time. So now I'm thinking, with all these people out there feeling all this guilt for doing nothing, it's not worth it. The people out there doing all the nasty in their deluded, drunken states not caring about anyone but themselves and never considering for a moment what they've done to the families who are affected day in and day out, well, ...they could care less. They're not even capable of true feelings as they can't possibly love themselves, thus, can't love someone else. So don't be so hard on yourselves. Remember never in a billion years did I think this could happen. It's a struggle I deal with constantly; never knowing if that change could take place without warning again. The only difference now is he's quit drinking and wants to make amends. He wants to make me happy and treats me like a queen. He admits to going to sleep for a very long time and being out of touch with reality. He admits to being insane. I tend to want to call it him being in a coma, braindead, and had amnesia.

(names have been changed) Jenny and steve had been married for about 7 years. Steve adopted Jenny's child from a previous relationship who was fifteen and they had one son together who was autistic and age 4. When their son was diagnosed with autism Jenny wanted to continue her fast rising coporate career and Steve decided to become a stay at home father, endlessly caring for their son which required him to drive all over the city for his son's therapies and to stay up all night b/c his son didn't sleep much. Jenny on the other hand went to work, socialized, traveled frequently with her job and slept peacefully every night. For two years Steve kept this up, although warned by many that this arrangement didn't seem fair, all for the sake of the family. Slowly deteoriating from fatigue and the crushing task of watching his little boy fade in front of his eyes and the demands of taking care of a teenage daughter Steve noticed some odd behavior from his wife. She had traveled extensively during the past months, acted irritable and withdrawn from the family at home, and never let her blackberry out of her sight. She even slept with it at night. Well, as many of you can guess...Steve figured it out. On a spring night Steve kindly asked his wife if she was having an affair. Her response was a loud NO followed by vulgar names being thrown at him. He knew right then that he was correct and walked away. (continued)

I am now out of an Emotional and Slight Physical affair that lasted almost 18 month's with a man who lives nextdoor to me, we are both married. I had know idea how deep in the ea I was until it was to late and I fell head overheal's in love with this man. I am certain that he loves me just the same, however we both have family's of our own so the timing was wrong. I will live the rest of my life with a certain sadness in my heart because I truely, deeply love him and I know in my heart that we are very right for one another in every possible way.

The idea that one person can or even should fulfill all the needs of another person is wonderfully idealistic.. and wrong. There are a percentage of people that are lucky this way, but not many. I realize that I am flying in the face of conventional wisdom, but the problem is not the affair. It's the guilt. Trying to make another person be everything to you is putting a burden on them too. On another note, I don't see how or why anyone would make a judgement for another person's life.

For all of you in pain, I hope you have the courage to do what is right for YOU, and not for someone else, whether it is ending an affair, or starting one.

how do you have "slight physical contact"??

I COMPLETELY agree with June. I honestly think there is only ONE person you were meant to be with. If not, why marry the person you claim to love at that particular time in your life? Don't marry...just date, if that's the case. A past relationship of mine lasted longer than my marriage. That is SAD! If I would have known that my ex-husband thought there was MORE THAN ONE person he could love in his lifetime, I would NEVER have married him. However, I did marry him after the advice from family and friends that claimed 'we weren't meant for each other.' They were able to see something that I hadn't seen until now. Now, my problem is accepting the fact that I was meant to spend my life with the boyfriend that I left for the man who became my husband. My parents say, "Don't bother him!" I think there is a reason why after 6 years he still is NOT married but involved with a woman who has the potential of becoming his wife. HELP! Does anyone have GOOD advice for me?

I'm totaly confussed and totaly caught up in this person. Sometimes years go by without us speaking, but we always come back to each other, convenience you say, or possibly hoping for the best, I don't really know. The problem is I'm hoplessly in love with this person willing to give up all and suppport in every way there needs. But relationships like this are severally limited. You can justify anything in this world especially the things you want most. The feeling of love is exceedingly strong and seductive, as is the the feeling to be needed and to be loved. So I search spirtitualy, mentally.

It is difficult when the emotional affair is not with a person, but with a work lifestyle. My husband is an over the road truck driver who is so into his work that the emotions shown are out there not at home. Although he says he can take it or leave it, he was home for a month "trying" to get a local job which did not require weeks away from our local area. He put in two local applications and the others were for over the road companies. One other ap he wasn't qualified for so that was a waste of time. Four weeks without any pay and he was trying to say he wanted to be home. His emotional lover got him back after we almost bit the dust financially. How can a person even compete with a job that is so addictive? I tried it out there with him and he was impossible to be with. I was just a co-driver not a wife. And the flirting our there in front of me- let's not even go there! So I stay at home and am trying to fill up my life now. This affair has been going on for nearly 14 years. Our marriage will be 3 yrs this January. Yes, before you ask-I am in therapy, but he isn't because he thinks what he does is appropriate and now I know that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Any ideas on how to live with a man whose emotional lover is the open road and his truck driving?

I happened upon this because of my depression and the way I feel during the winter months. I have always wondered if there was a group for people with guilt....especially the kind of guilt I have. I knew there was but I still to this day, 7 years after it all started, will never understand how I could have fallen in love with the pastor of our small church. Being at this church was a dream come true for our family. And I, no we, ruined it all. I was a wonderful mother of 4 children....2 grown and 2 still at home. My introverted husband of many years had become involved at this church and we had many friends for the first time in our marriage. It was everything I had ever wanted. But the pastor and I fell in love and to me he was my soulmate. I couldn't live without him and everyday I needed to see him or talk to him. Nothing else mattered. I thought everyone should understand!!! The church, my friends, even my children. I knew my husband wouldn't but I felt as if I had never really loved him and couldn't stop what I was doing. I dreamed of my life with him constantly. It lasted for 2 years during which most of this time everyone knew but I still couldn't stop. Finally my husband and I could not longer stay together and we got a divorce. I got over the pastor only when I never saw or talked to him again. But I immediately replaced him with other men. I have so much guilt and regrets not that I will never be happy again and guess what? I remarried looking for it. But it has only caused more misery. I am trying to forgive myself but our family will never be the same.

I have alway`s tried verry hard to hide my cheatting.But it really is more like having to have more then one life.I have seen the pain and the hurt it has caused those who I have cheated on and those who I have cheated with.But I seemed more alive more happy getting the attention and the affection of two men it seemed as thew I never can get enough from one mind you it has nothing to do with sex at all it has to do with feeling needed cared about wantted desired. When I don`t feel this anymore I move on yea I know it is crazy I know it is selfish. I have done this almost my whole life.But I am hurtting myself as well because these men that I have used for my own gradification most of them where really good people and at first we where freinds and because I did not feel my need`s anymore i threw them to the side it has been a year sence I have done this but I still feel a strong desire to do so I hope that some may be able help me figure out why I do this I know I am wrong for doing this but it is like a Drug that I am Addicted to. I thought that I should add that I do have mental health problem`s which I am taking medication for now.

I think people who have any type of affair do it for many reasons, some do if for the fun of it, for thrills others may do it just to pay their bills (damn that rymed). But overall all of that can be avoided but sometimes "some" people need to feed their "fragile egos" to the point where they stop caring about what their spouse or partner thinks and they then become just selfish people in general who probably didn't care about their partners in the first place. They just wanna see if they "Still Got It"!

And... they mess it up for the next person because of their selfish behavior. And if you "ARE" MARRIED and are not happy, then why not talk to your partner first, or at least try to make some attempt to get to the bottom of your "unhappiness" because it's easy to put the blame on someone else when you don't want to deal with what's going on within yourself so instead of recognizing it for what it is, you go and have an affair which these days could not only put your life in jeopardy but "ALSO" the life of your partner or spouse.

My husband and I have been married over 30 years now..30 mostly stormy, lonely years. He started out having affairs, or if not affairs, putting everyone else first. After about 6 years of marriage, he and my best friend, (like a sister, I thought) had a overnight fling. Well, I never saw her again. She tried to call several times, but I never let the relationship start back up. I would have left him then, I believe, but I had found out I was pregnant again just a couple of days before.
Anyway, I just always had a hard time feeling really connected with him after that, even though I still loved him. Now for the really hard story...About 8 years ago, he became highly addicted to meth. I couldn't believe it!! I didn't even know what the stuff was when my kids told me. I saw him change in a way I couldn't believe. I also felt guilty about the way I knew I always kept my emotional distance. I decided I did love him, he was worth much more than the life he was living, (jail, felon, stealing, making a fool out of himself). My children and grandchildren also deserved much more. They did not deserve a dad in jail! I was going to save him, (yeah, right), Well, he has gone through rehab and is doing really well now for going on four years. But that is not because of me, but because of the Law. But during this time, he became very close to a girl the age of his second child. He was always talking about her big heart, how pretty she was and on and on and on. I really did believe it was because she was on the drugs also, and of course, she saw things as he did. Their favorite verse "F--- it!" I did not think this was real.
Well, they did break it off..I thought he broke it off with her, which he did, but later I found out, it was not because of ME!! She had tried to commit suicide a few times and that is what he would always say, I'm trying to help her. Well, after they broke it off, she did commit suicide. I grieved like I did not understand..no one around me understood. I understand now..it is because I'll never know if he would have gone back to her again. I know he still thinks of her..songs he said reminded him of her, he still turns up on the radio. When he got out of rehab, he told his sister that he made a choice to love me no matter what!! Even though he is doing alright now, I wonder if he is just doing what is right, after all, I was there for him through it all. Does he love me or is he in love with a dead woman? I'm not talking about a man whose wife died and he remarried..I'm talking about a woman that came into our lives after 20+ years of marriage! Please comment..

I read your situations and mine situation does not compare to yours however, it is painful. After 16 yrs of living with my two son' father I finally had the chance to ask him to leave. My ex was never a father, husband to us and yet he would always comment that family came first or you're the mother of my boys I'll always be here for you. Well, he was always here for us but never did anything a father, man or husband is suppose to do for his family. He never even took out trash, he ate and slept and that's what he was good at. He worked all these years but never helped with bills yet he paid his own bills like girlie magazines, mail order shoes, clothes, motorcycle parts, etc. He did help pay for half of the heating bill, after five years living with me, never bought groceries yet, he would tell his friends and his family he was providing for all of us. I stayed with him this long thinking something will happen this year but, I was always left like a movie cliff hanger. We decided to move to another state and I'll go back to school while he worked, ( I kept thinking this way he'll have to pay bills if we do) but he found new biker friends and we couldn't leave because now he was a memeber of the club. If he starts anywhere he'll have to start from the bottom and he didn't want to do that. So, we stayed in the same place, same house, same area now for the past 16 yrs. Through these years he gone through 4 motorcycles (3HD's). All of the club paraphanillia that cost in the hundreds, leather jackets, trunk full of t-shirts, HD boots several pairs, etc. I also bought my mother-in-law christmas presents because he never did but took the credit for it. All these years I hung on because I truly loved him, we would still hold hands when we walk together, or riding in the truck, love making was so passionate but, I forced myself to stop that and just did it once a week or once every two weeks. I had to quit being affectionate because of his selffishness. He never played ball with his boys, never took them to the playground, if he went with them somewhere he would get snacks just for himself so I quit telling the boys to go with him. He never had the patience, to do thins with them. My older son who is 16 now will be entering rehab for smoking marijuana, I never realized he was smoking since he was 11 yrs. old. I just cried, why didn't I see this, I blame myself for this and because I don't want my younger son to get involved in this type of activity we talk about it all the time and my older son is willing to go rehab. I call this day the day after christmas. While sitting at the kitchen table my ex was in & out of the bathroom, obviously getting ready for something and he finally said "oh, I'm going to alburquerque" I said when? and he said "now". I asked him when did you decide to do this and what about me and the boys? we want to come along and he said "I have no money to feed you guys". Besides I need a break. But, I'll ask one of the guys (Biker friends) to go with me. I told him it's too late for them (they have families) and when they make trips they plan way ahead of time, so I told him take one of the boys at least but, he gave me a quick peck on my cheek and was out the door. This really and truly hurt as we didn't mean anything to him anymore, I think I knew that already but reality really hit that morning. I waited until I knew he was in albuquerque and since he didn't call I called him and told him you can have a long break when you come back you can take all your things and leave. We don't mean anythng to you anyway. It's been a month so far and I'm feelin' good about starting a new life with my boys. I received a very special message from certain individuals and they advised me to not look back and continue on with a new life with my boys. I'm planning to make that move to another state and hopefully life will be good to us. Thanks for taking the time. Lisa

I think all to often we look to someone else to make us happy, or fix us. We rely on others to make us happy, when we are unhappy with some thing within ourselves. Often we know somewhere were the problem lies, but we need to be honest with ourselves. That can be the hardest thing to do in life. Admit our own mistakes and failures. We want an escape or a false fantasy. We often create a false image of someone and what they are. This image is never the reality of the situation. Some thing to direct the focus away from ourselves. Much like a drug addiction or a battle with booze. Affairs are pretty much along the same lines. The problem often doesn't lie with our spouse. It is some thing within us, and no marriage or affair is going to fix that. It is an emotional HIGH that we look for. A fix. Think about that term and and see it's meaning , although a temporary one at best, and never a solution to the real problem. The term fix is used as a false solution or escape. A crutch. One needs to get to the root of the problem and deal with it to really be happy in life.

It is often easier to find something new and exciting than it is to put the WORK into a relationship that it takes. Not until we realize this, that it is going to be the case over and over again. The grass is always greener.

We are a strange creature when it comes to relationships. We often have wants and desires from someone we love. In trying to get that from someone we usually go about it in totally the wrong way. Too often we act in a manner that is hurtful, demeaning, and disrespectful of the true response we crave from our partner. Then we expect them to act in a favourable way back to us. We act on emotion and that is often a negative. We need to work on thinking about what we want from someone and how we can get that in a positive manner. Too many people think that things like jealousy and anger are someone caring for them. These are a negative and in the long run only lead to hurt, resentment, and lack of trust. People often want their cake and eat it too. They want control. Usually because they feel they have no control with themselves.

I am 21 years old. I have a two year old, and I am pregnant with my second child. I have been married to my husband now for almost a year. He is a problem drinker. He has really messed up with drugs and alcohol in the past year. But we have everything we need: home, nice car, etc. The only thing is he spends all our extra money on alcohol, and he has done bad drugs in the past, which he was led to through alcohol. We have two daughters now to worry about, and I know I need to leave. He is emotionally abusive to me and has shown physical abuse as well. He cannot be trusted with alcohol, and he refuses to quit, saying it's my problems. Anyway, along with this unhappiness, came an emotional affair. First it was just "innocent" flirting with my baby's father, ex-boyfriends, people who it was familiar with. Then, I started getting a fix on it and flirting with them bad. That's all that happened. Mine is strictly an emotional affair, but I still feel all the guilt. I have just met a new guy on myspace. He lives in my area, and seems to be the dream I was always looking for. I know this is not necessarily true, since I have experienced A LOT of bad past relationships (worse than you'd guess). I know that my husband and I are most likely not going to work, I am just terrified to take that first step. I get my emotional needs met by my new friend. He takes care of me in that aspect. And now we have started calling each other. I want to meet him. But I am ready to leave my husband. I just have no where to go, no job, and two beautiful daughters to worry about... I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. But I plan, before anything happens with this new guy, I am leaving my husband, I just have to get the courage, which I am recieving from my new friend. I know it is not right to have an affair on your husband, but in my case, I feel guilty, and I don't. My husband is not who I am supposed to be with. So I go through emotional turmoil everyday. When I see my husband lately, I think about Nick (the other guy). I think about what it would be like to be sitting there with him and not my husband. But I am not happy with my husband. I am ready to leave him for Nick....
That's just my crazy comments. Thank you for your time. Lori.

Man, this hits home really hard. I'm sitting here, still crying day after day, because my husband got addicted to using the internet for a year, and I discovered last October that he was having an internet affair with a younger woman in Canada. We live in Texas. Our marriage, I thought, was solid. He did all the things a happily married man does with me, every single day and night, and all the while, he was living a double life, he would make love to me, and then get up late at night and go to the computer. I found the nude photos he had taken of himself on his webcam and sent to her. I found the nude pics of her, too. I received an email from her stepfather, he had found me on Facebook and emailed me. He hated to break the news, but he felt I should know. Their affair ruined her marriage, her husband and her little boy left her. And I had an emotional breakdown three days later. I just couldn't handle it. I was in the hospital for three weeks, and when I got home, I ordered him to move the computer out of our kitchen and into a spare room, so that I wouldn't have to listen to him talking to her on the webcam every night. Even though it was in a spare room, I could hear them, laughing, "making love" in cyberspace, he would sing to her while she was doing things to herself. It is a completely sick relationship. He did this to me, knowing it was killing me each day, because he knew, and still knows, that I love him with all my heart. I didn't ask for any of this, and now, here I am, in our house, she ordered him to leave me, so he did. She has this power over him, and there are so many miles between them. He still says he loves me, that I'm beautiful, blah blah...he filed for divorce, thinking it would be a quickie thing, at the last minute, I got a good divorce attorney and stopped it. I'm making him support me for another year at least. And I'm ordering counseling. I'm still praying against all odds, that God will intervene, and heal this marriage. I wanted to grow old with him, and yet now my family worries for me, because they can see how sick he is, this thing he has done to me, he left me with no money, I'm completely broke, he bashed out the back window of my car a few nights ago, he is menacing, he scares me, and I don't even know him anymore. It's as if someone took over his body. I hate internet affairs, I hate infidelity. He could have told me he wanted out, but we signed a lease on an expensive house just days before I found out. Now why would he do that? So he could have his cake and eat it, too, I suppose. He wanted both lives. He is very sick, but his sickness has made me sick, too. It's made my depression much worse. I don't want to live most days. My dog keeps me going. She's precious to me, he loves her, too, but I won't let him come over to see her. I'm giving him time, to see if he wakes up from alll this, or if maybe I wake up and move on. I'll take any advice, I need guidance, I'm so lost.

wow, i would like to correspond with sheryl g from texas who posted feb 28 2008. our stories are similar, and i have not joined any other support groups and will be ending counseling soon.

I am not the cheater in this case. My soon to be Ex-husband was the one who becamed involved in first an emotional affair with of all people a person who was suppose to be my best friend! I saw the signs approx. four years ago. The flirting, touching and all the sneaky conversations they had. All this behavior would stop whenever I or her spouse would get near to them. But when they were drunk (which was very often) they became very brazen with their actions. All the time saying, "We're just friends." Well last year while we were staying in Florida as we did every winter, I would catch him sneaking on his cell phone right outside the front door. He was suppose to have no contact with her as her husband caught her the year before doing the same thing. So I started checking up on him again. He would call her house while her husband was in work and then delete my husbands cell number off the caller ID before her spouse returned from work. And when she wanted to call my husband, she would signal him from a pay phone. When I returned home from Florida, I confronted him. Once again with this guilty look.......We're just friends. I knew by this time that their so called friendship had turned sexual also. He walked out the door and was living with her few weeks later. We were married 10-1/2 years and she was married to her spouse 2 months shy of thirty years. They destroyed two families and I agree with Teresa. They are two very SELFISH people who only put their needs before anyone else. She wanted my life and she persued it until she got what she wanted. While she thinks she stoled my life, she didn't........She can never be me. I am a firm believer that what goes around....comes around. And while I still feel extremely hurt & betrayed, I also believe no good will come of their selfishness and that they will get theirs eventually. You reap what you sow. So to all of you who has been betrayed by a wife or a husband, try to get on with your life. It's really hard I know this but just remember it's not your fault. If people are that unhappy, they should have the decency to leave their spouses before they decide to step into any kind of affair. I really hope this post will be of some comfort & help to all of you that are in this situation. Life goes on and we must try to make the most of a bad ordeal. I believe that we all deserve happiness and leaving with a cheating spouse or boyfriend etc...........is just not acceptable. It's true......Once a cheat........always a cheat. And we deserve so much more then that.

Help!! im suicidal/homicidal! my husband left me on our 30th anniverary for a 28yr old he met on the internet! he left me holding the bag on all his debt, left me without a car and needing throat surgery! he lied to this women about his age, his occupation, and told her he was single, after i told her the truth she still let my husband move in with her! what i would like to know is how a women can be so hard-up for a man that she becomes a major low-life!! No i dont want him back! i just want him to step up to the plate and help pay the debts that he created! yes im hurt and yes im devastated! someome please tell me..will their relationship last?? shes 28 hes 53 they have been together for 8 months now, they only met twice in person befor he moved in with her! Thanks for letting me vent. teresa

I forgot to mention that as I stated about sitting next to her, she had my husband sit next to her. I was not happy. I cannot stop thinking about this. Please help me figure this out I do believe that this was an emotional affair. but i might just reading more into it.

I think the best indicator if you are having an emotional affair is would you or your Partner be comfortable if your Partner were right there with you hearing & watching your interactions & discussions with this other person. Also how exactly would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot & you were watching your Partner engaged in exactly the same types of interactions & discussions with the opposite sex. Bottom line, if you have to hide your relationships in some manner from your partner, your walking a slippery slope.

Also don't let your Mate Gaslight you & send you in circular conversations about how you have it "all wrong" , "are making a big deal out of nothing", "we're just friends" "your acting insecure" or "being jealous". You have a right to your own feelings & perceptions. Your have a right to ask questions & expect answers that make sense & restore harmony. Thats what healthy, thriving, mutually respectful relationships offer to one another. As Dr. Phil says, "a soft place to fall". My ex blew up the first time I asked him about a women who was very cozy with him at a party we were both at when we first met. All that was necessary for him to do would have been for him to pull me close & tell me I was his #1 girl & respond in a more respectful way in the future. But this was not to be. I spent a very unhappy 3 1/2 years trying to be his #1 girl, trying with all my mite to ignore my gut that was telling me the truth. He had many Women friends some of them ex's, & in the end the provocative text messages that he told me were just a friend being silly, turned out to be way more...

My husband is involved with this person... and he does not think he is doing "anything wrong". He is a good man, helps anyone he can, he's a good father and a great friend.

This married woman's daughter is in school with my daughter. That is how we know them. This woman's marriage is/was on the rocks, and my husband helped her through them.

When we are together with this woman, I see the eyelash flutters, the dreamy look in her eyes when she is looking at my husband.

My husband and I fight, argue about it... I've cried and went through a "dark time"... How do get my husband to see what is happening?

My husband of 7 years, got involved with another woman. He has called her & text messaged her. I found more than 87 minutes worth of phone calls to her in 1 morning. He has also instant messaged a woman that he plays internet party poker with. He even gave her his phone number. We started having problems about 3 years ago when his son came to live with us. I had 2 boys of my own also. His son had no rules. He'd come home at 5:00 in the morning at 16. I didn't let my boys do that. He was constantly drunk, and it was ok with his Dad who's a police officer. He finally moved out and I hoped things would get better. Then I found out about all the phone calls. He left me after I read something that he wrote to his party poker lady. I love the man, but he refuses to come back home. He says he doesn't know what he wants, that he loves me & I need to give him time. Am I crazy or just stupid? We were both married before & both had affairs. I thought we both knew better because those relationships never work out. He says that they never slept together. But to me an emotional affair is harder to get over. He said at one point that he didn't have contact with her anymore. Yesterday he said he's talked to her a couple of times. My health is bad & this stress is making it worse. Any advice for me?

believe it or not emotional cheating may seem like therapy now but the consequences out weigh the good feeling while you are in it.

I was the husband at home....very sadly I am no longer a husband, but rather just another ex-husband. OUR story is tragic as most seem to be! Years and years of marriage, love, and laughter only to have it all go down the drain with the help of a man who in retrospect I suppose was working on his 4th marriage after spending 6 to 7 years in the previous ones.

I realize now as the months turn into years that there were problems in our relationship. I simply thought that these were problems that every relationship wrestled with. I was so wrong and sadly enough when I finally "saw the light," it was too late, she had already checked out! I never saw it coming!

In retrospect I can see very clearly now that my wife had decided to leave much earlier than I could have imagined. As a result, she wanted nothing to do with counseling when I became clued in to what was going down. After attempts soley on my side to reconcile, I finally pleaded with her to divorce me if she felt that she must, but to please communicate with me as to why this was happening so that I wouldn't make the same mistakes again. Unfortunately, that never happened and I am left to live eternity I suppose wondering where I went wrong.

She was deeply involved in an emotional affair with her boss who was a married man as well. I suspect that it turned physical, but she vehemently deinied this despite major clues to the contrary! Upon finding out about the affair while we were still together, I eventually confronted my wifes boss about it. Only to have him become violent with me saying that "they were just friends" this after I asked him if HIS wife knew of this friendship. We aren't just talking about the occaisional conversation at work thing, going to lunch and that! It was 10 to 20 calls a day, calls at 2am where she would sneak downstairs while I slept to speak with him, and much more!

Marjorie's story is very interesting to me as my ex-wife to this day doesn't acknowledge that she had any kind of an affair, but instead chooses to believe that it was simply a friendship. The "facts" prove otherwise. I finally gave up trying to help her to understand this coming to the point of where I realized that individuals control their own destiny! We cannot control other people, even those who are so very dear to you!

It was like watching my wife speeding in her car on a dangerous highway approaching a cliff. Thinking she was in control of the situation she wasn't about to use her brakes to slow down only realizing after it was too late that she should have exercised caution in her path. And all I could do is watch helplessly as the car continued on it's deadly path.

Emotional affairs are very painful, and I would say probably more painful than physical affairs from the standpoint of that I believe physical affairs to be mostly about the sex!

This man provided a shoulder for my wife to cry on, vent to, and consult with problems that she was having. This "unlicensed counselor" tried to take the place of what should have been a professionaly trained Therapist! I have since found out that he has used scripture in his "therapy" with my ex-wife. As catagorized by his own wife who I contacted at one point, he was a real "preditor!"

I would just ask that anyone involved in an emotional affair who thinks that they are in control and can end the affair at any time to think twice.

The pain that has resulted from the affair has devestated many. It is absolutely mind-boggling how many people outside of the spouses involed that these situations effect. Many are hurt deeply from these affairs, not just the spouses involved.

I do believe that affairs are like drugs or alcohol, you very much so can become addicted if you are not careful! And even though it may make us feel good, it doesn't mean that it is good for us!

I truly believe that if this man were not involved in trying to help my spouse with problems we might have been having in our marriage, we would still be married. Or at least would have had counseling directed at solving our problems.

Beware, beware, beware!

An emotional affair is like speeding down a major highway in the car of your dreams.....you are enjoying the ride, this is what you've always wanted in a car.....but now you realize there is traffic ahead and you have to stop......but your dream car has NO BRAKES. Emotional affairs are just like that they feel good but hurt yourself and all those that you claim to love.

My wife is having an emotional affair with a man on the internet. Although they are across the world, him in Austria and her in Virginia it has taken it's toll. On top of things she honestly thinks there is nothing wrong with it and stays up until 1:00 and 2:00 in the morning talking to him. Talking to her about it is like talking to a brick wall and I'm at my breaking point.

Truly blessed to have read these!!!

God help us all.

Top 10 ways to tell if your man is GAY

10. He's more interested in the cute waiter than he is YOU

9. He's got a male (friend) who spends more time with him than you

I have been married to my hubby for two years. We are both young (24) we new each other only 6 weeks before we got married. I got pregnant two months after that. He had a girlfriend when I met him but I didn't find out right away and she was 7 months pregnant and he left her for me (shouldn't expect much from him huh). We have had a really miserable marriage and it is still that way today. January of this year I found out he had been cheating on me with a really trashy waitress that he met working on the road. The day I found out he told me he wanted me to leave. We lived in Kentucky at the time I am from Georgia. So I packed my daughters and left. He continued seeing this girl who was almost twice his age. He even spent his daughters first b-day with this girl. Well a month later he wanted me to come back, and I did like an idiot. I have been back for 4 months now and I am miserable just the same as I was before. He treats me bad, he is never happy he leaves for work two hours early everyday just to get away. Well there is a guy that I met 4 years ago at work. I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM. But he was married and I am still in love with him he basically lived with me for three months. It was a very passionate sexual relationship. I still love him but can't find him I honestly believe if I would have found I would have never came home I do know that he is divorced now. But I want to let that go and make things work with my husband be cause I love him to very much. But I get the feeling that he doesn't care if I live or die. What should I do????

Heather, I sympathize with you & the others. I am not trying to 'be mean' but do you realize that almost every statement you made, started with the words, I mean? Very distracting from the message you were trying to convey. Take care & best of luck to all. I have been on the other side of the emotional affair. My husband was very involved & it nearly destroyed 2 families. Ruined our health & 30 years of trust, down the tubes.

Amanda, You are young, you have two beautiful daughters: Start all over again. Please, do a favor to yourself and dump that thing you have for a husband. You won´t lose much. He is no good for your self steem, and years of this treatment will only make you feel worthless.

Life can be different you know? I have a great husband, three daughters, and people always tell me how lucky I am. Most people suppose I am mean, he is good, and sometiems I ve been called a witch for being too hard on him. Poor him. Right.

I am telling you, luck has nothing to do with my marriage. I have educated my husband for 15 years now, hard work. And yes, I defend my space and put him in his place vehemently when he deserves it, and thank god for that. We have and even relationship, and he knows the day it doesn´t work that way, I am out the door. I do not want to be in a second class relationship, getting two drops of love every month,forget that. And neither should you for that matter. Where do you get this "kick-me please" attitude anyway? We all had horribel childhoods (well most of us) and if you haven´t resolved those issues is time to do it now. Counseling is a must for people with low self steem. I go to counseling and it is great.

And if you don´t take control of your life and dignity for your sake (why wouldn´t you????) listen to this: Your daughters are watching you, and learning this submissive behavior (arg!)so they will grow up taking BS from their husbands too. Is that what you want for them???

Your husband sounds like a master jerk. Please, act a little bit like a Maddonna type, and go ahead and feel free to kick him in the butt and dump him. This is what I wish for you: Raise your chin, smile, walk with confidence, say goodbye to the trash and hello to a new life.

S.R.

I find it hard to believe that Beyond Blue had an emotional affair with an engineer. They are for the most part without a clue as to what a woman needs.(emotionally)

Best way to keep from having your heart broken in my opinion is to stay away from unavailable men even if they say they are in an unhappy marriage. Getting involved with a married man like that only heightens the problems he is having at home with his wife. The wife needs emotional support at home as well as physical intimacy.

I was married for 17 and 1/2 years to an alcoholic husband and now have been married again to a new person for almost 5 years so I know what challenges the married partners go through.

Take it for what it's worth. If you have a good marriage then appreciate it. If not...do WHATEVER you can to make it the BEST it can be...God will do the rest.

I am in this situation and have decided to let it run its course. I keep thinking there is a reason this happened, although we both know and acknowledge it is wrong.

I'm reading up all I can on affairs of any type. I agree emotional affairs are really dangerous. I am in a marriage myself where I have caught my husband having conversations, looking at other women's pictures and responding to personal ads. I am a strong believer that if my husband truly repents and learns from all of this - it wouldnt happen again. He knows he has to rebuild my trust in him.

Whatever happens, go to God and allow him guide you in what to do when you're confronted with an affair or with a spouse that's having an affair.

Unfortunately, we as a society today do not know how to upkeep the marriage vows that we say on the wedding day and maintain it for the life of the marriage. We can not always take the easy way out. I am speaking from experience myself. My ex husband cheated on me and got that woman pregnant. He asked for the divorce and I granted it because I couldnt live with the knowledge that he got another woman pregnant when I am personally unable to get pregnant myself.

My husband is very different from my ex husband so all solutions are not the same for every marriage. Just try what works the best for you and always include God in your marriage.

The timing of this is amazing--my nephew is going through the breakup of his marriage which he suspects is as a result of his wife's "emotional affair" with a married neighbor. It is devastating to see the havoc this type of behavior has on the "cheat-ee" and children. Clearly, there are issues underlying all of this and it saddens me to see how blind the "cheat-er" to those issues. Marriage takes a lot of work, but when an "interloper" sticks their nose in for selfish reasons and ends up destroying a family, most of all the innocent children.

Thank you all for your posts because I can now understand that this is not such an isolated incident and that some of you "lived to tell" your tale. I will check out some of the resources for some helpful suggestion for my poor nephew.

I want to say that all men are dogs and they lie to us woman and I want to say that once a cheater always a cheater. I had an affair with a married man for three years and I loved hime with all my heart and soul but I ended it.Not every man is truthful and I wasnt the only affair he had.He had numerouse affairs on his wife sonya pike ellsworth. But she dosn't know the whole truth because if she did she would hang him out to dry .The man I had an affair for three years was kermit james pike the third of monson mass.I want you ladies out their to wake up and smell the coffe because if they do it once they will do it again and again.They never tell you the whole truth only what you want to here.With that to say I think the truth is the best policy and you cant act like it never happened.Kermit even purpossed to me and moved in with me for a month.now his wife don't even know that.For her sake I hope the truth will one day come to her and realizes she married a gade a DOG. I was not only his mistress but I was the second wife whom he sent on arrands to the grocery store and to the pharmacy.so it takes to to tango and I'm sorry I slept with her husbend 2;697 times but it was the best love I ever had and we even went to three funurals toghter and he paid all my bills about tenthousand of them. and no I'm not sorry for that.You are all dumfounded I know but we are not just mistresses we are the woman who eventually take youre place.Dont blame us blame Your husbands for telling us they arn't married.So with all do respect wake up woman and hang the men out to dry because that's all they are good for so long

Hi,

I need someone to talk to me about this really stupid thing I did. First of all, I have been screwing this married guy (Matt) for three months now and I am also married. For some really stupid reason I don't know why I did this I have never cheated on my husband before this is the first and I hope the last. Then for a while I had noticed that Matt was trying to flirt his way into this young lady's pants so I take it upon myself to write this lady's husband a confidential letter stating that his wife was flirting and sleeping with this married man hoping she would receive the letter but it began to eat at me because it didn't seem right so I called the lady up and went to her house and met with her and her husband and told them what I did needless to say they were pist i mean very pist with me. The husband of this lady to begin with thought his wife really was sleeping with Matt. He and She both thought I was f#$@#@# crazy. I may be right now all I know is that the stress and anxiety of sleeping with this guy and how it made me feel I honestly didn't want her to go through the same thing. Then the lady's husband calls Matt's wife and tells her what I did and I kind of admitted to her that I had been screwing Matt. She did beleive a word ( of course) and she thought I was $#@#@ crazy. Finally the laady's husband tells me to get out so I leave and that is where I am at. The whole time I have been screwing Matt it was nothing more than that. We would meet in the Hospital parking lot where we work and screw in my van or we would screw in his department which is Lab in his supply closet during work.

Someone please help me. is this fling really f#@@# my head up?

This is too easy.

1. If you are married, BE married. That means adhering to your VOWS.

2. If you are attracted to someone who is married, STOP. Nothing, I repeat NOTHING, should interfere in a marriage. If they are having problems, let them work it out or separate. Don't try to be the agent for change, because if they do leave their spouse for you, isn't it just as easy to imagine them leaving you?

3. If your spouse is cheating on you, tell them to LEAVE. Be a doormat and you will always be a doormat. If you are staying for security or self-esteem, you have GOT TO learn to have that independent of another person. Knowing you can make it on your own makes staying that much more meaningful and less pitiful.

4. If you have kids, for God's sake put them first. That means always making decisions that you can be proud of, that your kids can learn from, and that do not undermine their own self-esteem. Every decision we make models for our children what they should expect from their own lives. Put up with garbage because you don't think you deserve better, and you will either have a child who treats others like garbage or one who expects to be treated like garbage.

I have been married for 18 years and have been faithful since the day I met my husband. I have absolute confidence that he has been faithful to me (he feels even more strongly about the sanctity of marriage vows), but even if I found myself alone I KNOW that I could take care of myself and have the confidence in who I am to back it up. I have two teenage children, both of whom would not tolerate being lied to or mistreated by friends, and they have stayed clear of risky behaviors - there is SUCH a connection between low self-esteem and these kinds of behaviors.

I am amazed at the number of people (mostly women which is so disheartening) who will put up with almost anything from their partner because they don't think they deserve better or don't know how to function on their own. NO ONE is in charge of your life except for YOU!

My situation is not worth mentioning here because Im soo ashamed of what Im feeling right now. My husband, a serial cheater left me and my children more than a year now. I've moved on and lead a normal life with my grown up children. It didn't came to my mind that one day I would be entangled in another bothering situation. I learned to like this guy, much much younger than me, lets say half of my age. I don't understand how to enterpret the way he treats me which lead me to like him. I don't know if this is really his nature or did I just misinterpret the way he treats me. What Im sure is I like him, I miss him if I don't see him and he helps me forget my problems. I get jealous silently when he mentions his GF who is in a far-away place. Few days back, I was upset when he gave his attetion to this very young colleague, when I went home I cried my heart out. I don't want to be in love with him because of our age gap, as if Im seeing the preview of what's gonna happen when we will have a relationship, I will get insecured with his age-group which can not be avoided. Most of all I don't even know if he likes me,too. I don't want to suffer again in the name of love, but should I just suppress this feeling to avoid getting hurt. I need your comments, thank you

Am really impressed with your comments but would like to say that we should look out for clues to all these infidelity as sometimes the signs are very evident before marriage. We should not enter into marriage relationship out of simpathy. I think before marriage such an issue should be discussed. The couple should know the causes and ways of avoiding it. More importantly we should not rush into marriage.
For couples they should not allow any communication gap to exist in their relationship.

I appreciate the comments, especially the judgemental and damning ones. Thank God for the Grace of God.

what are some ways to know when a man is trying to get you to sleep with him? I fell for this once and I have tried to look back and learn from my mistake and all I see is that he was just goofing off with me by just playing. I really don't want this to ever happen again because I love my husband of 19 years very much and I love my boys. I still look back and don't understand how it happen I would really like to know some signs to look for and what I need to avoid or either change the way I talk or kid around with men.

The only thing I can say is if your no happy with your husband since he's not living up to his part than go ahead and get a divorce. Is the other guy that your having the emotional affair with married? if so he needs to decide first about his marriage.

As a man I can say we would always try sweet talk our way to get a woman, I am married just had an affair and got caught woman was much younger than me. She would always say the same things that you've talked about. She would feel we are soul mates and I would confirm that, but in the end we realize that we can never be together cause I have kids and she is young and single. For the lady who have a emotinal affair with his office mate, nobody is worth lossing your family, as you said you are just missing some feed back from your husband, since you know the problem work on it. This is probably the best effort that you will do to make your life better, chating and text massaging is fun but this will not make your life better aslo consider all the people that both of you are going to hurt. It is not worth it, you will regret it for the rest of your life if you break your family.

I have been in an unhealthy marriage for 9 years. I caught my husband cheating a few times, had verbal altercations with his lovers. My thing is that I have 3 kids with this man and it seems like he is unhappy in the relationship, but when I would leave his personality would change; it is like he is a different person. At the beginning of the relationship we saw marriage counselor (PHD) and she suggested that he has some mental issues. I know I took vows in sickness and health, but he is making me SICK; I almost die 3 times since being with him. If he does not care the family enough to get help because he is hurting us, why should I work on the marriage?

i had a friend affair i guess you could call it, the texting/chatting and the feeling that you talked to someone that made you feel all better, and i lied to my wife about it because i did it before for a very short time, and gave this women my phone number, she texted me about sex, and my wife read it, nothing ever happend between us, but the damage was done..we went to counselling, and we got threw it with her forgivness,, about 7 months after that , i got myself into another friend affair, and started the lieing all over again,, she was a younger women ,,married with kids,, all we did wss talk about our problems, and how nice it would be if there were non,, the little flirtyness would go on, but nothing would ever happen,, then she had some problems with her mom, and we stopped texting for a while,, when i went on vaction with my wife, i texted her hoping all was well, and that i was on vacation with my wife,,,, well my wife found out about all these texts and , and that i texted her on our vacation, she confronted me, and asked if i was talking to this person, or texting because she texted me merry xmass, and i lied about it back then,, i came clean and told her it was just a friend, well she is rite, if she is just a friend then why the secreacy? why kiss her good bye in the morning and text her as soon as i left..all im sayuing here is that the texting , the computor is a very bad place to be,, it is that evil place, were you get lured in, and hooked, it is like a drug,, one that wont kill you, but will kill your marriage,, i love my wife with all my being, heart and soul,, i would die for her in the blink of an eye with out even a thought ,,,the person inside me that did this to my wife is a monster, one i intend on getting rid of,, i just want all you men/women to stay away from the chat rooms, the texting, all it is the devils dens,, it is evil. and now my marriage is probably over for lieing, desiving and breaking my vows,, remember it feels good while your texting, but feels ugly when you realized that you broke the heart of the one that loves you the most,,,,im going back to counsulling for myself,, because i need it for me,, i am going to break this mosters back, and be an advocate to help others,,and if you find it in your heart ,, please pray for my wife, that her heart will heal,, thank you..

Hi, ive been married 15 years, about a year ago my wife made a "guy friend" and at first i was ok with it because i had complete and total trust in her. a few months ago i started getting worried, I followed her a few times and started checking her phone to see how many times a day she called him. when she realized i was doing that she started erasing call logs from her phone and saying it was because she knew it made me sad and didnt want to do that to me. and that he was only someone to talk to. so last week i started recording phone conversations, and when i listened, the girl i heard on the phone with him was the happy cheery fun girl i married 15 years ago not the wife and mother of two that i talk to every day. I was destroyed.Thats the person ive been asking her to be for me for months.After a day of recovery i told her that she needed to end the "friendship" or i could not stay. she agreed, then i let her hear the recordings and she cried alot and told me she could not forgive herself for betraying me that she never wanted him for anything more than a friend, that she didnt mean to say bad things about me to him, that it was just conversation. I then tried to explain that this was an emhotional affair that would probably would have became pysical in time. Shes says theres no way that she knows it was friens only. I just dont know how to convince her that this was an unhealthy friendship and that im not just being a jerk about her having a friend.so what do now?......

hi i have been with my husbend for 6 yrs now and he has lied about alot of thing .. but when it came to me i have not .. he had told me that i could not have a guy friends cause all guy want is one thing .so i did not have any one to talk with now but i was getting on here alot and got i guyfriend we have been friend for like 1 yr now and notthing has happend yet i have met him and went out talk on the phone etc.. so i guess guys can be friends with a women .. so now how do i tell my husbend about him ??????????

Has anyone encountered their other half (twin soul/twin flame) and had a difficult time breaking away? Thanks,Peace - Charlene

hello my name is gaby im 27 i live in los angeles california i live with my boyfriend for the past 14yr we have 4 kids. we dont really have any comunication i get to go out some times not dath i want but my 1 and only girl friend i have invites me out to eat. but im alone all day at home im in my room. i live with my mom and family but i cant go out if i dont have my mom with me and if i do my family will say im out with a nother guy like today i have a date with my girlfriend but my boyfiend is mad reason becuased im living at night i go out at night like dath my kids are in bed but agen he is mad at me saying im goin out with some guy i love him but i have no freedom if i go out in the morning they get mad at night they all get mad they all are my family and boyfriend so all i have is my computer but then they get mad at me any thing i do i feel like i need help pleased hell me

Well this is the first time that I say this to anyone else, but God of course. I had an affair with my sisters boyfriend. I know, I know,, how bad is that? It all started when I was encouraging him to go to church to get his life together. He had struggled for many years with drug addiction and I will give him advice and verses to read so he can get encouraged and turn his life around and place it in God's hands. For years he told me how much he admired me because I'm the only "different one" from my family. None of my 10 brothers or sisters are saved and for years I've repeatedly invited them to church, but they have no interest. (That's only temporarily though). Anyway, he started going to church and about 6 months later he told me that he was in love with me. I was stunned because deep down inside I felt something so deeply for him from probably 1 year before. I didn't say anything and he started calling my job, taking food, flowers, etc. I told him that it was impossible for us to ever be together because he's been with my sister for 8 years at that time and I had been with my husband over 12 years. He kept on insisting that we were soulmates and that his #1 prayer was for us to be together. I felt so great and guilty at the same time he would tell me hese things. I really felt I loved him. Nobody had ever made me feel like he did. He has a lot of emotional healing that he needed to deal with at the time and I was there to help him through a lot. He even told his friends and family members about me. He told them that he wants to marry me one day. I started having an affair with him by secretly meeting him places and trying to spend every spare moment I had with him. I was already deciding on leaving my husband for him, but then I stopped. I told him that we could no longer speak or see eachother because everything I was doing was "MY OWN WILL" I didn't let God lead me in anything. I started missing church, wasn't in any ministry anymore and that's when I asked God for forgiveness after like 100 times and I told Him that I really wanted to do "HIS WILL NOT MINE." I still think soooooo much about him (everyday), but I know one thing that if I'm totally obedient to God I will be blessed for the rest of my days. That's what I want to be right with God and nothing else should matter, right?
Please write me back and tell me what you think???
Thank you!

To GABY BRAMBILA,

Take EVERYTHING you can and RUN!

Talk about CONTROL FREAKS!

You're 27 years old!

MOVE OUT and LIVE YOUR LIFE!

DON'T LET THEM CONTROL YOU! BE FREE!

Don't commit yourself to a living hell!

GO FIND HAPPINESS!!!!!!

Dear Gaby,

I live in Houston and I had a good friend, who lived with her sister, aunt, grandma, and great-grandma. Her family was very controlling, and she wasn't able to go anywhere without taking her sister along.

A year before she was supposed to graduate from high school she ran away with her boyfriend to Corpus Christi. They live together now, and just had a baby girl. I believe she is happy now.

However, I do wish that she had finished high school. In the future things will be difficult for them financially because she never got a high school diploma.

Follow your happiness. Try to get an education and/or a good job. There is a good company you can work for in Santa Barbara. You can find them by searching for Bargain Network, Adaptive Marketing, or Vertrue. It's all part of the same company. They pay pretty well, especially if you can speak English and Spanish fluently. But you HAVE to have a high school diploma or a G.E.D.

If you're really desperate, but unable to take your chidren with you, GO anyway. They should be okay with family for a little while, if not permanently. Once you have a steady job and a place to live, you can get them back, with legal help if you have to. Don't think that things have to be this way. You have a RIGHT to want a BETTER LIFE for YOURSELF, if not for your children.

This is the land of the free. Make your future a happy and prosperous one. :-D

~L.R.

vERONICA,
AS I READ YOUR COMMENTS ABOUT YOUR DESIRE TO SERVE AND PLEASE GOD IT TOUCHED MY HERT BECAUSE I SENSE THAT YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN.LISTEN , YOU WANTED FEEDBACK SO LET'GET TO THE POINT. FIRST SAYING NOT ONLY DID YOU SIN AGAINST GOD YOU ALSO SINNED AGAINST YOUR HUSBAND AS WELL AS YOUR SISTER. YES! GOD DOES FORGIVE WHEN WE CONFESS OUR SINS, BUT DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT YOU COULD STILL DESTROY A FAMILY.ONE THING ABOUT ALL OF THIS IT MAY TAKE A WHILE BUT WE REAP WHAT WE SOW. HOW WOULD YOU HANDLE IT IF YOUR HUSBAND CHEATED ON YOU WITH SOMEONE SO CLOSELY RELATED TO YOU.AS FOR ME I DO KNOW ABOUT INFIDELTY FOR TWO REASONS .ONE I COMMITTED THE ACT AND BOY I AM SORRY FOR THAT.YOU CAN COMMITT ADULTREY BY TALKING TOO MUCH ON THE PHONE WITH THE OPPOSTIE SEX.I LEARNED THAT IT'S NOT MY PLACE TO CONSOLE A MAN OTHER THAN MY SPOUSE(TIP#1)EVEN WHEN OFFERING THE RIGHT ADVICE ,IT CAN LEAD TO AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR.MEN NEVER LEAVE THEIR WIVES, IT ONLY HAPPENS AS A RESULT OF THEM GETTING CAUGHT AND THEN BEING ASKED TO LEAVE.LET ME TELL EVRYBODY THAT WITH ALL OF THE HURT I AM EXPERINCING RIGHT NOW I NEVER WANT TO BE GUILTY OF CAUSING ANYONE'S HOUSEHOLD TO BE DISRRUPTED DUE TO ME BEING INVOLEVED WITH SOME OTHER WOMAN'S MAN EVEN IF ITS HER BOYFRIEND IF THEY ARE UNDER THE SAME ROOF,IT IS WRONG. MY HUSBAND OF SOON TO BE NINETEEN YEARS HAD AN AFFAIR RIGHT IN MY FACE WITH A WOMAN FROM OUR CHURCH WHO WAS MARRIED GOT DIVORCED THEN REMARRIED, YET SHE STILL COULD DROP INTO HIS LIFE WHEN SHE HAD A NEED. ALTHOUGH MY MOTHER TRIED TO WARN ME ABOUT HER I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS UNTIL THIS YEAR AND WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT WENT ON HE SAYS FIVE OR SIX YEARS AGO. WE WERE SPECIAL SISTERS IN CHRIST. SHE IS 8 YEARS OLDER THAN THE BOTH OF US.I AM HURT AND DO FEEL BETRAYED AND CANT WAIT TO SEE HER AGAIN TO KICK HER ASS.THEY WERE RECENTLY STILL HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR OVER THE PHONE IT WAS OVER THE PHONE ONLY BECAUSE SHE IS NOW IN A DIFFERENT STATE. I THINK HE IS WEAK BECAUSE HE ALLOWED HER TO DROP HIM THEN PICK HIM BACK UP TO TELL ABOUT THE HORRIBLE SECOND MARRAIGE. I TOLD MY PASTOR ABOUT THIS ,IT IS NTO A GOOD FEELING.WHILE I REALLY LOVE MY HUSBAND THE RELATIONSHIP WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. IT WILL EITHER GET BETTER OR WORSE RIGHT NOW I DO NOT TRUST HIM AND DONT FEEL THAT HE CAN HANDLE HIMSELF.THAT IS NOT GOOD HAVING A WEAK MAN ALTHOUGH HE APPROACHED HER SHE AS A MINISTER SHOULD HAVE PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE AND IF HE ASKED AGAIN SHE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME. WE HAVE TO LEARN TO EXPOSE THE DEVIL,AND AS WOMEN RESPECT OTHER WOMEN WHICH WE DON'T DO THAT TOO WELL.HE DONT TAKE ME TO HOTELS BUT THEY TOOK TURNS TAKING EACH OTHER TO THE HOTEL. MEN CHEAT BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO.WOMEN DO IT BECASUE THEY ARE EMOTIONAL AND LOVE TO HEAR SWEET NOTHINGS.I CAN GO ON ABOUT THIS UGLY PAIN THAT I AS A WOMAN FEEL SO I ENCOURAGE YOU TO BUILD UP YOUR TEMPLE AND RUN FROM EVIL, STAY IN YOUR PLACE AS WOMAN OF GOD BE REAL OR BE STILL.MY HUSBAND SAYS IT'S OVER HE WORKED IN THE CHURCH WHAT A HYPOCRITE, IF I HAD NOT DISCOVERED HIS CELL PHONE BILL (ONLY WHILE TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS FOR HIM , NOT AS A RESULT OF SNOOPING) IWOULD NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS AND HE WOULD HAVE STILL BEING DOING IT . HE WAS ALSO INVOLVED WITH OTHER WOMEN , AT LEAST 5 THEY WERE EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS LEADING TO SEX. I CONFRONTED THREE OF THEM AND THREATED TO EXPOSE HIS COWORKER WHO IS ALSO MARRIED AS A MATTER OF FACT A NEWLYWED.I PROMISE YOU HER MARRAIGE IS ALREADY IN TROUBLE,SHE APOLOGIZED BUT WENT BACK AND TOLD HIM THAT I CALLED HER SO WHAT HE KNOWS I WILL DO MORE THE NEXT TIME , BELIEVE ME THERE IS MORE TO COME. MAYBE I AM VENTING BUT AT THE SAME TIME I HOPE THAT I AM HELPING YOU TO SEE THAT YOU ARE DIRTY, TO DISRESPECT YOURSELF AND YOUR SISTER LIKE THAT. IS THE BROTHER IN THE CHURCH NOW OR IS HE STILL PLAYING THE GAME TGO GET MORE BOOTY?.I WISH THAT WE COULD CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION BECAUSE ONE MINUTE I WANT SEX BECAUSE I AM ANGRY, BUT THEN AFTER THAT I CAN'T STAND HIM. NOW IT'S LIKE EVERY NIGHT WE ARE IN THE BED WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM BEFORE . HE CLAIMS TO LOVE ME SO MUCH ADN OUR KIDS ARE HURTING BECAUSE I TOLD THEM THE TRUTH .NEVER DRAG THE CHILDREN IN YOUR MESS THERE IS STILL SOME INSECURITES RUNNING OVER ME AND I TOOK THE BLAME FOR IT.BUT THE DEVIL IS A LIE, HE DID THAT AND GOD WILL DEAL WITH HIM. SHE HUNG UP THE PHONE ON ME WHEN I CALLED TO CONFRONT HER , I WAS HURT AND I STILL FEEL BETRAYED MORE SO BECAUSE IT WAS SOMEONE THAT I KNEW PERSONALLY. SO PRAY FOR ME THAT I AM HEALED. IF NOT I DON'T THINK THE MARRIAGE WILL LAST.

It's impossible to make a relationship work if only one party wants it.
Cheaters have to deal with the 80/20 rule. It almost ALWAYS works out that way. You have your 80% at home. We may not be the best looking, the greatest in bed, the richest, etc. We ARE the ones who support your efforts, listen to your gripes and groans, take care of your kids, clean your house, and wash your dirty underwear. Even if we don't do all those things, we do provide 80% (if not more) of the stability in their life. The other person is the 20%. When they loose the 80%, It's is then realized what was at stake and now they are 'stuck' with an inferior product. Possibly, they will jump from relationship to relationship, BUT they will NEVER find another YOU. Love yourself first and you will be able to weather the storms that may come your way.
Take the stance, "I will not be the cause of my marraige failing." If your spouse leaves, remember....SUCCESS IS THE BEST REVENGE! CONTINUE TO BE THE BEST YOU THAT YOU CAN BE!

We live in a sexualized world.Everywhere we look it has sexual content.Our six year old girls clothing is sexy. selling toothpaste has a sexual content. Is it possible we were actually made to have close intimate relationships not only with people of the same sex but also of the opposite sex, but we just lost the ability. We don't understand boundaries and we don't do loyalty as well. If your identity is with Christ, He commands we love one another as we love ourselves.We are all caught up with selfishness, and lust and ego building instead of love for our fellow man or woman...talking listening supporting encouraging , what a world it would be if we didn't have to live isolated on some island

I've been married for 8yrs with two kids. I recently just returned from serving overseas(Iraq). While in Iraq I became emotionally attached to a young lady, a fellow soldier. We worked together, played together and also prayed together. We became close and our friendship grew into a deep physical and emotional love affair for over a year. Now back home with my wife and kids I can't get her out of my mind or my life. We still communicate and also have secret meetings now and then. How do I get this person,that I have been emotionally dependent on during a stressful period in my life, out of my heart. I'm in love with her.....Help!

I am married to a man I adore. I fell in love with my psychiatrist, which I considered to be the stupidest thing I could possibly do. When we moved away from the city, I actually could not stop crying and proceded to invent a new identity because I could not bear the thought of not being comforted by him, laughing With him, feeling loved as a human by his kind-heartedness. He was the most charismatic person I ever knew. I began taking drugs and drinking, which I have never done before, because it seemed to fill the emptiness and make me feel spiritual. I woke up, regained my faith and rehabilitated my husband who withdrew from his medication previous to our relocation.

Cs,
You are not wrong for feeling the way you do. In fact, most likely he is already having an inappropriate friendship if not a full-blown emotional affair. I am an emotional affair survivor myself, having found out 5 weeks ago that my husband's "online gaming buddy" - also a married woman - had become more than friends several months ago. Don't wait until this blows up in your face. I suggest marriage counseling now and he needs to cut off all contact with this other girl. If he isn't willing to do both of those things for you and for your marriage, then it may be that your marriage is over already. I am sorry that I can't be more positive. My husband and I are in counseling and he has adhered to the no-contact rule, but it's an uphill battle and I don't know if I'll ever feel "normal" again. Please don't put yourself in this position again.

I have been in an emotional affair for over a year. I actually walked out of my job of eight years because I was so unhappy and so depressed over this situation. I have had no contact with this person and have missed him more than I ever expected. He was in danger of loosing his job and it was pretty sticky there for awhile until the rumors stopped, we never slept together but we were intimant at times. This has left me with a huge hole in my heart/ I still think of him all the time and want to get over this and return to normal, I am sure he has, I do know he has asked about me..
Please tell me how to get over this.

My wife refused to let me go to her holiday party saying she did not want me to see how she acted around her coworkers. We have known each other 21 years and are married for nearly 17 years. I have never seen her act inappropriately before, and actually worked with each other for 3 years when we first met. She is a nurse I have found out that she is working with a MD and they have had conversations like this.
MD: "The other nurse has a better ass than you." Wife:" But I have the bigger tits." (Sorry , these are her words here.) So, do you think she is having an emotional affair? Is the MD the reason I could not go to the holiday party?

I'm in an emotional affair also. As a devout christian, I thought this could never happen to me, but it did. I had no resistance and went down like a stick of straw before the fire, and am now starting to try to 'fix' things. My only excuse is that my relationship to my husband was awful; I don't love him and haven't for years; he's been cold, distant, judgemental, critical, heartless, verbally cruel, etc. etc. To protect myself from this I built huge, thick walls between us with acres of moats around them, and I lived inside, miserable and lonely. I built up a life without him, getting involved in many volunteer activities, doing things with our three kids, and learned to just not have love in my life. Of course, I prayed about it. I would 'forgive' him periodically. I tried to act like I loved him. I begged the Lord to restore our love. I went to counseling. But nothing changed. Then I met the guy, who was sweet, kind, interesting, admiring...everything a woman would want, and when it came out he was interested in me, I just crumbled. No strength to resist at all. In the meantime, the Lord was working on my husband, he started to change; now he's actually quite nice; we've worked through some issues, and I've recommitted to honoring my marriage vows despite my feelings. Both my affair guy and I want to honor our marriages and just be friends; we haven't slept together; it's more the 'best friend' thing with intense feelings. It's been almost a year for the whole thing; I've been married almost 27. Sometimes it feels like a prison you put yourself in. It really tests your faith; do you believe or not in the sanctity of marriage. Sometimes I wonder why I do. But I do. And so I will stay in a marriage I don't want (except for my vows), and stay distant from a man I do want. And he will do the same with me. Maybe someday I'll see the fruit of these choices.

What do you do when after 8 months he emails you, not only this but
asks you to lunch and to join him at bootcamp which i did, while emailing me he started flirting with me and even asked me was I at home, he wanted to tease me, not knowing what he meant I finally figured out being on yahoo he is on a chat system,, He was about to
go on a trip and emailed and asked If I would send him some sexy pics of my self, I discovered that he was on line chatting with who I dont know as he told me for two days he and I could chat, before he left
and he was on line but not with me, I just went back a year depressed and more than that thinking I was the only one, maybe I am assuming
but he never could get passed the physical when i mean fondling me
couldnt have sex and would run everytime
anyones thoughts

gail