In a past article, and again today, you’ve talked about the need to ‘put out’ in a marriage relationship in order to keep the husband from looking for sex elsewhere and/or ending the marriage.Whether or not this understanding of sex within marriage stems from Catholic teachings, the notion saddens me greatly and I can’t imagine living with that sort of ultimatum as it relates to sex. I’m a disabled woman and, as such, I have much pain and difficulty doing many things, including acts of a sexual nature. My husband and I are very happy together even though our intimate moments are typically restricted to kissing & cuddling.Assuming that my failure to ‘put out’ will result in my husband leaving me and/or committing adultery is absurd. Although no-one can see the future, I’m secure in my marriage and the ability of my husband to remain faithful despite the loss of our sex life. I was fortunate to bring into the world two beautiful children before I became disabled and for this I am eternally grateful. They are adults now and I hope I have raised them to develop a healthy sexuality.As opposed to some of the guilt-laden sexual information and guidance I received from my Catholic mother and grandmother, I have a strong belief that sex – as a mutual expression of love – should not be forced or performed under duress. (I consider the threat of abandonment a form of duress).Most importantly, I believe a lack of a sex in a marriage does not indicate a lack of love or create the need or desire to end the relationship. True love is unconditional. God bless you, Harriet

Thank you so much for sharing, as you always do. Your strength is such an inspiration to me. I hope this comment isn’t too much out of left field but what you were saying about guilt and an affair really stuck out to me today as I’ve really struggled with a situation not too long ago. I didn’t have a full-blown affair, it was more like a very close friendship but with some definite romantic overtones. It’s over now but I really miss this man, but I also feel horrible about having any feelings for him in the first place. So I don’t know how to handle the guilt. I really admire your clarity on this issue and wonder why I don’t have an easier time wiht this. The other relationship seemed to bring such positive things into my life, but I’m clearly messed up. I wonder how you balance it day by day.

As a protestant married to a Catholic for thirty one years, who loves to feel guilt, I think I understand how guilt operates on the pysche. My husband believes that guilt is a good thing because it shows you have a conscience. My thinking is more along the lines of what Elizabeth Gilbert in “eat,pray.love” states. She states in her book that a former Catholic nun who was staying at the Ashram when she was there(who ought to know about guilt)told her she wouldn’t hear of it. “Guilt’s just your ego’s way of tricking you into thinking that your making moral progress.” She goes on to say “Don’t fall for it, my dear.”