Oh WOW this article totally hit home!! I have the life of a sad confused soap opera! I am a very religious mormon and was dating the man of my dreams who was also mormon! Which was very important to me only because my dad was an alcoholic and I just wanted to make sure I married a man who had his act together BUT I still loved the bad boy too! We met and emailed first for a few weeks and fell madly inlove! every night was spent emailing each other because he lived in Utah! So then he came down and we went on the most magical romantic first date ever! we knew we already loved each other from emails but then when we met and there was such a strong physical attraction too! It was perfect!! He was my dream man! CUTE ,TALL ,SO FUNNY, Mormon but still had a wild side, and absolutely ADORABLE!! WE just went so fast! I was 20 living at home and he was in Utah so we would be talking on the phone and just miss each other so badly that we would sneak out at midnight and meat each other 1/2 way which was about 2.5 hours! We didn't have much money so we would just stay up and talk all night and sleep in the back of one of our cars! We were DEFINITALY SO SO IN LOVE AND MAJOR ADDICTED!! I mean he moved home after a month of weekend visits and we spent every single minute together! Even when I would go to work he would come and wait 3 hours just to be with me as soon as I was done!! We both felt just as strongly for each other and had never been so completely inlove and so so happy! It was Amazing! Every minute we were apart from each other was almost painful! Then WE got really serious and I made some morality mistakes with him! He was my first in everything!! That is a very very big sin in my church so I was so confused!! I was the first girl he had ever loved and would just say he didn't feel guilty because he knew we were madly inlove and would spend the rest of our lives together!!! I would never have made those mistakes or choices with him if I didn't know we would be getting married! I saved myself for marriage! Well then about 8 months into it he started to change! I had decided we were going to get married and I wanted us to be as clean as possible in the eyes of the church! SO I confessed and stopped sleeping with him! I was filled with so much guilt and confusion because people kept saying if he really loved you he wouldn't have taken that from you! He would have had respect for you and saved it for marriage! I got that from everyone after they found out! I just didn't believe them! We laughed tell we cried! We loved to be together because we had the same sense of humor and we truly did bring out the best in each other!!So I was trying to abstane and he kept pushing me and pushing me! It became a battle. So I started to think maybe he doesn't love me if he keeps pushing me! So tension started! I told him we should take a break because I couldn't handle all the guilt and stress of trying to be good! It was so hard because of coarse i wanted too but I really wanted to start our marriage out clean! so he took a summer job in California and the day he left a part of me died! I just knew that for some reason we were not going to be together again! I stayed in my room for an entire week hardly eating always trying to sleep and when awake just crying and crying! I lived for his phone calls! i missed him so much it hurt! Then I started hanging out with his best friend! He had told him to take me out and keep an eye on me so I didn't date anyone else! He was so much fun and such a good good guy! He had a good job was going to school to be a Dr. He treated me better than I had ever been treated! He let me talk about my heartache and feelings for Ryan and just cry on his lap! he comforted me and would always tell me how amazing I was! Then He started being really cute! Then he found out that my boyfriend was drinking and partying with lots of girls and messing around! He had also decided that he didn't want to be a mormon anymore! So we kind of broke up because I didn't know what else to do!I had so much pressure from my family and everyone that if he wasn't mormon I DEfinetly can absolutely not marry him unless I wanted to have a horrible split life and not get the blessings from our church that would bind us together with our kids forever! I loved him so much that it really did take every single part of me and closed it off. i became a very sad and cold person! I still throughout all of this had his best friend which I will call BF. He just talked me through everything and was so stable and safe and of coarse the All American boy and perfect mormon! Had never strayed in his life! He just made me feel really safe! I knew what to expect from him, I knew for a fact I could trust him and that no matter what he would never hurt me like R (boyfriend) did! So one day BF told me that he loved me and wanted to be more than friends. I was suprised but flattered and I really truly did feel this strange peaceful feeling come over me and even though I still loved R I said yes! BF called R and told him that he loved me and wanted to be with me and that caused a huge uproar!! R called me and said Bf just called me and told me that he loved you! Do you love him?! He was so upset and hurt that his best friend and first love starting dating!! I said you have just been so confusing and up one day down the next cheating on me, lying to me, drinking and now you don't even believe in GOD!!! I just can't do that to my future kids! He was like you can't you can not do that to me! I love you and even though we have broken up and gotten back I was going to buy you an engagement ring and propose!!! I started crying and was like he just makes me feel safe and he is so steady where we are always either so high or so down! He treats me so so well! And he makes me feel good about myself! That is why I said I would date him!> R freaked out and got in his car at 9 pm and started driving from Fresno California! I didn't know he was doing this because I was so so so upset that I was crying so hard i wouldn't take his calls! I just layed in bed miserable! He kept calling and calling so I turned off my phone! Then at around 5 am I was woken up by this light flashing into my room and knocking! When I looked out and saw his face I just melted all over again! He said he was going to try and be mormon again and he just held me and told me how he refuses to loose me especially to his best friend! He apologized and we talked and he told me to tell BF that I would not date him or ever talk to him again! So I went out to dinner with BF and was going to tell him but he was just so sweet! He was like I so wish I could just take you away from all this stress and drama! I just want to protect you! I was so torn I said Ryan wants me to tell you I will never see you again!He looked me straight in the eyes and said what do you want! I suprised myself when I said I still love R so much but I can't imagine not having you! You are my rock, my strength! You have taught me how a girl should be treated.... So he asked me to just atleast go to his cabin with his family to watch the fireworks and just relax with no Tv or phone! just mountains and fresh air! I thought that sounded so nice! so I said ok I will go with you this weekend when R leaves just to relax and think things out! So he dropped me off at R house and drove away! so I told R I tried and we will just be friends! So the rest of the week was another reminder of our addictive relationship~ We would fight and then be madly inlove, then fight then be madly inlove! It was such a roller coaster! So the day he left I went to the cabin with BF and his family and it was so RElaxing and Amazingly fun! I loved every minute of it! Bf was so sweet to his family and did everything for them! He was always just making sure everything was done so the girls didn't have to do any work and he just loved serving us and taking care of us! I knew then that he would be an amazing husband! He treated his mom SO well and his siters adored him and everyone loved eachother so much! I didn't have a stable family life at all!! It was so comforting! So refreshing to see such strong christians and faith and love and support for each other! So while I was there with BF R was having sex with some girl in vegas that week! I was not even expecting any physical contact because we hadn't even kissed! PLus I knew he would never pressure me for more because he was so good and strong! So one night we were out talking around the campfire and just got lost in a great conversation! we cuddled up together and talked and laughed then had our first kiss! WE hung out for months with no kissing and i had never done that before! It was great and we kissed all night! He slept on the floor of my room because he didn't want to leave! He just looked at me and said I just can't believe I am kissing (my full name) It is a dream come true! So after I found out R was now having sex with lots of girls I just knew he would break my heart! so I started to date BF seriously! R was still extremely hurt and felt betrayed and their group of friends were divided some thought that he was out of line and that me and R were just meant to be together and some were on BF side because they knew how much he loved me and the way he treated me! It was so terrible! No one however was crazy about me! So it was really hard! The problem was that even though we were dating R and I just couldn't stand not talking to eachother for longer than a week! We would talk and just miss eachother and then I would tell BF about how I still loved him but was also falling inlove with him! I was so torn!! So I would go and visit R sometimes and we would just love being together but then end up in a fight because he was so bitter at me for dating his BF! So he just couldn't stop his bitterness so he was always just a little rude and broke my heart over and over! He just didn't fight for me! I just wanted him so badly to at least fight for me! Or even just pretend he believed in God! So I dated BF seriously for about 7 months and he was wanting to get married!! So I still not even over my addictive relationship freaked out and moved to A different state (where R happened to live) to give us one more chance and so I could have some alone time to date and do whatever I wanted with no attachments! So did go out with my friends and play and date and I also dated him and again we were just so happy together and saw each other a lot! So I was trying so hard to get him to at least believe in something like an after life or hell or sin or God or even Christ!!! But he told me he didn't believe in any of that! I remember when I found out how serious he was I just got so sick to my stomach that we had to stop the car so I could throw up!! I was just crying so hard!! He was like I don't even want to get married but you can move in with me! That is the only way we can be together!! WHICH HELLO Big Sin in my church!! So I left him again knowing it was over and just died!! ,BF had also been calling me and visited me and sent me flowers all the time and was so heartbroken that I was doing this!! So for his sake I broke it off completely and wouldn't even take his calls! For at least 2 months!! I went home because R and I had this terrible sort of break up! He was crying on his knees I was crying and I got so sad I went home and took like 4 nyquil and went to bed and called my family! They came and got me and I was so thin and sick I just layed there not talking! (which is huge for me, You know something is REALLY wrong if that happens)I knew that we loved eachother so deeply but the only thing in our way was the Church and Christ! A part of me died again that night. I still have not really laughed since then and that was 6 years ago! i still haven't been able to feel my feelings very strong either!! So I am home and I saw BF and he was still so sweet and forgiving of me! He was so respectful even though I broke his heart!! He was just that stable person and really buff and skinny because he was so depressed he stopped eating! But he looked so good! So we started things back up! He knew I wasn't over R still but he also knew I couldn't be with him! So within a couple of months of being home we decided to get married! It was so hard because I knew he would be an amazing husband and father and he would keep my rebelious self under control! I loved him as much as my heart would let me which wasn't a lot since i had no emotions any more! My heart just stayed broken! BF's family became REALLY REALLY mean and Viscious! They told him it was them or me! They wouldn't except me and I was not good enough any more because I broke up with him! so when we told them we were getting married they cried and were not supportive! As time got closer and closer to the wedding R did continue to call and ask me not to get married! that he would try to be what I wanted him to be as spiritual as he could!Then he started to try and convince me that the church wasn't true and that there was no Christ or God! I just started to become bitter and confused and I was so sick of having my heart broken! I just finally closed off my emotions and gave as many as I could which was everything I had that wasn't locked away and broken! I told him you know that there is still issues with R and that I am having a hard time being fully inlove because I was still so sad! he told me that he loved me enough for both of us!

Sorry this us such a novel! at least I hope everyone is getting a good picture so they can help me as best they can!!

The wedding day came and I just became terrified! i again didn't speak at all to anyone! We were driving 7 hours to where his family had all been married! The whole drive I just wanted to disappear! I wanted to jump out of the car and run away into the mountains! Then we passed R apartment! WE could see if from the highway and I just thought please come and fight for me! come and take me away! But I just kept trusting that I was making the right decision and this is what god would want for me and he will make us happy because we are both doing everything the right way! I actually was just so sick until we got there! we drove up to this amazingly beautiful castle like temple that was just breath taking in the night all lit up! As soon as I saw that I did calm down and think This is right, this is where I should be! I stayed in a hotel with my mom and sisters and we just played and laughed all night! They were having a hard time letting me go also! So the next morning came and I was very excited and we were married and it was beautiful and romantic and felt really good! But right off the bat for some reason having sex (which I hadn't for 2 years) just made me feel bad! I think it was because it was that that hurt me so badly and destroyed my relationship with R. i felt like I was almost cheating on R for some reason! I had all this guilt! Well we got over it with enough times :> But then we went on a short honey moon to where R lived!! The thing that was so so bad is that even during our honey moon i was hoping we would run into him so I could see him! or at least make him regret letting me go!! Now I am going to give you a little break because I am only half way through the whole story!! it just gets more tangled and confusing and heart break after heartbreak! I have never had real real peace and where I could finally open my heart back up! and I still have yet to let it go and I have been married for 5 years! So I will write the rest of the story later! This one probably already holds the record for the longest comment ever made! :> Thanks for your patience in reading it all! I just really want so good honest advice on how to let go of this addictive relationship that is still in our lives! Things after we got married just got worse!! I just keep hurting all the people I love! I just can't find true happiness like I used to have! Ok Later you can get the rest of the very juicy screwed up life of mine! :>

Posted by: forever confused | July 21, 2007 10:08 PM

I just recently became a mormon, and there are some guidelines to follow. i loved your stroy and would like to hear the rest.
thank you

Posted by: Vickie Robinson | November 10, 2007 7:20 PM