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Dr. Remen, who spends her life comforting sick people, wrote this in her chapter “Just Listen” (part of “Kitchen Table Wisdom“):
“One of my patients told me that when she tried to tell her story people often interrupted to tell her that they once had something just like that happen to them. Subtly her pain became a story about themselves. Eventually she stopped talking to most people. It was just too lonely. We connect through listening. When we interrupt what someone is saying to let them know that we understand, we move the focus of attention to ourselves. When we listen, they know we care. Many people with cancer talk about the relief of having someone just listen.
“I have learned to respond to someone crying by just listening. In the old days I used to reach for the tissues, until I realized that passing a person a tissue may be just another way to shut them down, to take them out of their experience of sadness and grief. Now I just listen. When they have cried all they need to cry, they find me there with them.
“This simple thing has not been that easy to learn. It certainly went against everything I had been taught since I was very young. I thought people listened only because they were too timid to speak or did not know the answer. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”
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Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
Meet others on the journey in
Therese’s community group
Ask Therese to be your friend
Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
posted April 18, 2007 at 8:25 pm
…words never spoken are the strongest resounding. You just identified a fundamental aspect of how we help to heal each other. Something I keep in mind….is how we tend to hurt and never show it.I will take the power of silence over ‘talk-talk’ every time. Cheers twice
posted April 19, 2007 at 12:44 am
Yeah, I gave up years ago trying to “talk through” whatever would be bothering me, because the responses I’d get would be these actual quotes: “THAT’S what bothering you??”. “Well, I can top THAT”… “Oh, here we go..”. and my all time favorites… “If that’s all that’s bothering you, then you’re having a good day.” and: “Other people have had the same thing happen to them. It’s not like you’re the first.” So, I just go off by myself, and let the talkers make someone else miserable.
posted April 19, 2007 at 2:10 am
Sorry, that last line should read: “…and let the talkers make someone else even more miserable.”
posted April 24, 2007 at 7:18 am
First time on this blog or any blog, for that matter. It has been a very learning and wonderful experience. I hope I can find my way back. Thank you so much. God Bless. Bette