So cool…….I am working on a book by this title. It came to me in graduate school some 21 years ago. I was unsettled by how unprepared fellow students, professors, and mental health professionals seemed to be. It was and remains deeply unsettling…..Cheers for you.

This article rings so very true. No one can truly know what another feels when losing a loved one. Even if they had been through it themselves. There’s no telling one’s capacity for grief from another’s. Giving sympathy and letting someone experience their loss as they need to is a sign of true friendship. After losing my spouse, I had a “friend” of many years tell me, as I was trying to speak with her of my feelings, that I was only allowed one pity party a week…….can you imagine? And this being approx. 4 months after his death. I’ll tell you, it’s hard accepting that type of “friendship,” so needless to say I have not spoke to her again. I simply cannot tolerate looking at her face. May she be blessed in any way that God can allow her if she ever lost her husband, before her own death. If she has any kind of feelings in regard to a loss of this depth, she will remember the words she spoke to me and feel badly; perhaps— I’m not being as forgiving as I should just yet as it hurt alot. So be the friend that is needed; express your sympathy and leave it at that. We all are different in many ways..no twins in personalties that I know of…grieving is a personal experience and if done on it’s own, in it’s own time, it will heal the one who is experiencing it in a way that will allow them to accept the loss in a way that is acceptable to them.

Truth is, if one hasn’t been there they cannot feel the pain. One cannot imagine the loss of a child unless they have lost one. Saying things such as “Tomorrow is another day” is so blase; yes it will be another day, another day of suffering. Friends and family try so very hard to help, but, they should share the sadness for their friend, because they know their loss, as friends and family may not.

Whenever someone I know is suffering whether it is from a death, divorce or an illness that is invading their life, unsolicited by them, I just tell them “I am so sorry you have to go through this and if you need to talk to someone I hope I can be of comfort to you.” Even if someone is just having a bad day all anyone wants to hear is ” I feel badly for your situation” Most don’t want to hear how much worse your situation was and they really don’t want to hear how much better yours is. They don’t need cliches like “this too will pass” or “God never gives you more than you can handle”. A hug and a sincere offer of help will be appreciated but don’t offer if you can’t reaaly follow through.

I’m so glad you opened this discussion. All of the times I’ve made the cliche’ and idiotic remarks come back to me in a flash when I read this, and the reactions from the people I’d intended to help with my words, now make a great deal of sense. If I could beg their forgiveness without breaking open an old wound, I would. In many cases, people are left completely alone. PLEASE do not assume they have friends and family nearby! Certainly your physical presence and help with practical matters is much needed, just as is your sharing in their sorrow. This seems to be a very isolated society in many cases. I would not recognize my neighbors in the street, and wouldn’t presume to ask for help. This is not at all the way in which I grew up, with family, friends, and neighbors surrounding us. Please also remember that as people get older, often they do not have children, and their friends have passed away, leaving them alone. A recent death of an only child brings this one home to me. We grieved this loss completely alone, and there is something very wrong about that! It was especially egregeious when my husbands’ “family” is less than two hours away. Whatever you do, especially if you’re supposed to be “family”, do NOT make a perfunctary phone call, and tell the grieving person “to call me if you need me.” ASSUME that we need you!

I’m so sorry for your pain.

to the 2 Mary’s above: please help me.

i’m sorry Mimi is one of the names.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People facebook
The most intriguing discussion in this book is how to console those who are suffering
we all have times when we know others who need a friend
and times when we need a friend
Kushner uses the the term “Job’s comforters” and shows how their remarks made things worse AS WHEN THE COMMENTS MAKE THE SPEAKER FEEL BETTER BUT THE SUFFERER FEEL WORSE
the challenge is to study and find out how to help and how to avoid remarks
that make the suffering worse such as “its your fault” “straighten up”
More helpful is to listen to understand and when you do, indicate you understand the misery; sometimes just let him or her know you are there and they are not alone no quick dismissive know it all remarks
For me , I am still trying to learn

What phrase… super, remarkable idea

You are absolutely right. In it something is also to me it seems it is very excellent idea. Completely with you I will agree.

As well as possible!

That’s where the money is. (Response of famous bank robber Willie Sutton (1901-1980), when asked why he robbed banks).

It might not be a bad idea of Ms. Borchard tried reading the passage before she writes a article about it.