What NOT to Say (Job's Comforters)

So cool.......I am working on a book by this title. It came to me in graduate school some 21 years ago. I was unsettled by how unprepared fellow students, professors, and mental health professionals seemed to be. It was and remains deeply unsettling.....Cheers for you.

Truth is, if one hasn't been there they cannot feel the pain. One cannot imagine the loss of a child unless they have lost one. Saying things such as "Tomorrow is another day" is so blase; yes it will be another day, another day of suffering. Friends and family try so very hard to help, but, they should share the sadness for their friend, because they know their loss, as friends and family may not.

I'm so glad you opened this discussion. All of the times I've made the cliche' and idiotic remarks come back to me in a flash when I read this, and the reactions from the people I'd intended to help with my words, now make a great deal of sense. If I could beg their forgiveness without breaking open an old wound, I would.
In many cases, people are left completely alone. PLEASE do not assume they have friends and family nearby! Certainly your physical presence and help with practical matters is much needed, just as is your sharing in their sorrow.
This seems to be a very isolated society in many cases. I would not recognize my neighbors in the street, and wouldn't presume to ask for help. This is not at all the way in which I grew up, with family, friends, and neighbors surrounding us. Please also remember that as people get older, often they do not have children, and their friends have passed away, leaving them alone. A recent death of an only child brings this one home to me. We grieved this loss completely alone, and there is something very wrong about that! It was especially egregeious when my husbands' "family" is less than two hours away. Whatever you do, especially if you're supposed to be "family", do NOT make a perfunctary phone call, and tell the grieving person "to call me if you need me." ASSUME that we need you!

to the 2 Mary's above: please help me.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People facebook

The most intriguing discussion in this book is how to console those who are suffering
we all have times when we know others who need a friend
and times when we need a friend
Kushner uses the the term "Job's comforters" and shows how their remarks made things worse AS WHEN THE COMMENTS MAKE THE SPEAKER FEEL BETTER BUT THE SUFFERER FEEL WORSE

the challenge is to study and find out how to help and how to avoid remarks
that make the suffering worse such as "its your fault" "straighten up"

More helpful is to listen to understand and when you do, indicate you understand the misery; sometimes just let him or her know you are there and they are not alone no quick dismissive know it all remarks

For me , I am still trying to learn