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Last night’s dinner conversation:
“I wonder if Mike and Vickie will want to go to church with me on Friday when they’re here,” I said (as I reviewed all the services at St. Mary’s for Holy Week).
“But, Sweetie, you go to church on Sunday, not Friday,” Eric replied.
“Yes, I know that, but it’s Good Friday.”
“Oh. Why do they call it Good Friday anyway? Wasn’t it a rather bad day for Jesus?”
“Because Good Friday begins the Passion narrative, the story of our faith.”
“Huh?”
On Palm Sunday a few days ago, I was ecstatic that the whole family accompanied me to Mass until David and Katherine used their palms as swords during the long Gospel reading, and Eric asked me after Communion if the Body of Christ was high carb.
“It’s bread. My guess would be yes,” I answered him.
“Well how is a guy supposed to get holy and lose weight at the same time?”
How did a religion major who aspired to be a nun–a pious girl who chased priests and seminarians in college because they were so much more spiritually evolved than the secular boys across the street at Notre Dame–wind up with a guy whose faith vocabulary includes five words: Christmas, Easter, Jesus, God, and Mary?
I ask myself that question on a fairly regular basis.
This I know: Eric is one of the most spiritual (in the real sense of the word) men I have ever met. He is unbelievably faithful, devoted, forgiving, kind, loving, wise, patient, and generous. His soul is pure. Much purer than mine. But, after years of therapy and introspection, I have arrived at this sometimes awkward and painful conclusion: we are not religiously aligned. If I were vanilla ice cream, he would be something like bubble-gum-mango-pineapple.
I think I’m safe in saying that he will never know the difference between the Our Father and the Hail Mary, and that’s after a year of RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) and more than a decade of living with a religion writer.
At church a few weeks ago, I was enjoying a meditative moment, closing my eyes as I sang the words, “Yahweh, I Know You are Near” (from “You Are Near” by Dan Schutte, S. J.), when Eric taps me on the shoulder and says “When we get back to the car, can you fill me in on who this Yahweh dude is?”
That question/and the Host carb inquiry plus the Good Friday blank stare–are why I seek spiritual friendships…relationships that give me lots of opportunities to speak my native tongue. Such bonds are crucial to keep my spirit alive, and my recovery in progress.
“Human friendship is…a nest of love and gentleness because of the unity it brings about between many souls,” wrote Augustine of Hippo.
Spiritual companionship nourished the souls of many great mystics and saints. In fact, there are so many examples throughout Christian history of deep, platonic friendships between men and women that I’ve long wanted to write a book called “When Fr. Harry Met Sr. Sally.”
Like Francis and Clare of Assisi, Therese of Lisieux and Maurice Belliere, Teresa of Avila and John of the Cross, Hildegaard of Bingen and Bernard of Clairvaux, and Dorothy Day and Peter Maurin.
But for a person such as myself with boundary issues (no I don’t mind watching your kids every Thursday afternoon and feeding them dinner even though we’ve eaten spaghetti five nights in a row because we have less time than you), these relationships can be tricky.
Given the complications that arise in my relationships with women friends, my therapist advised against venturing into the land of hormonal risk…where your body (we are beasts after all) could mistake the male across the table from you for your spouse and want to mate with it (meaning an actual or an emotional affair).
So here’s my rule as of Lent last year: I have coffee and lunch and chat about all things Catholic–my Marian devotion, books by Thomas Merton and Henri Nouwen, the history of the Stations of the Cross, Jesus’ Incarnation and what that means to me, Pope Benedict XVI and his Muslim war, and the Gospel of Judas–with my religious women friends (Sandy, Beatriz, Michelle, Ann, Mom, Lisa) and with devout balding men over the age of 65: Ben (85), Fr. Joe (76), Mike (66), Deacon Moore (65), and Fr. Dave (65). That way there’s no chance of my brain getting mixed up and doing something stupid or dangerous, or wasting tons of time trying to figure out if it’s doing something stupid or dangerous. I keep in mind that Peter Abelard and Heloise were only able to share one spiritual mind after poor Peter was castrated.
I hope by the time I reach 65 I’ve mastered the whole boundaries thing–because I will have to bring a thermos to the graveyard to have coffee with all my male friends. Of course, by then I might be on so much Zoloft (and so neutered) it won’t matter anyway.
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Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
Meet others on the journey in
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Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
posted April 4, 2007 at 6:37 pm
You are very lucky to have a man that would put up with your selfish bull…and just read between the lines…get layed more often and you would be alot happier… I don’t know you but, I can picture you …in a very comfortable easy life without the burdans most regular people suffer…do charity work…go help the poor …get your hands dirty…you will be so tired about how to figure out where is my bill money coming from, …ha you won’t have time to worry… Sincerely one who lost her husband after 20 years… dee
posted April 5, 2007 at 5:34 am
I can relate to the need to find someone to speak the same language as you. My husband and I, who, fortunately, do speak the same faith language, moved away from a very supportive faith community. Now we’re living in a new (and more secular) state, and we haven’t (yet) found other couples/young families, to talk about our faith with. I know it takes time, but I certainly miss it! You help to fill in that space, thanks! p.s. It makes me sad to read that last comment.
posted April 5, 2007 at 3:44 pm
Therese, I can so relate to this post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
posted April 5, 2007 at 9:49 pm
it is a good thing that people from such different backgrounds can come together. there is hope for the world yet. i am pleased that you two have found that true love really does defy all barriers. may you forever be in peace. God Bless. sincerely enoch
posted April 6, 2007 at 1:16 am
I have a friend in a similar situation and am blessed to be one of the friends in her spiritual circle. I enjoyed your writing and appreciate your humor about what can be a very difficult situation in a marriage. And blessings and prayers to Carolyn concerning the passing of her husband.I am sorry for your pain.
posted April 6, 2007 at 1:52 am
I have the best relationship with a younger man (only 3 years), whom I have known for 23 years. We shared therapy from 1984 until 1996, and he rented a room from me from 1996 until 2000. Although we had a brief physical relationship, he moved on and married someone else. He since got a divorce. When I ran into him again two years ago, we studied what kind of relationship we would have. We both did NOT want to go the intimate route – too sticky. He now comes over to my condo once a week, and we share “tea and sympathy,” because he’s the only person I can really share my manic and depressive episodes with. We’ve both been there; unfortunately, he attempted suicide twice, and still goes through suicidal periods. Because we have this history of being in a Lithium Group (group therapy for mani-depressives) for so long, we know what the inside of a state mental hospital is like; how “techs” treat you; who is a foolish, and who is a wise, therapist. We share the same shrink! But we meet on a very spiritual plane, also. He understands my brief “flights of fancy” (messianic beliefs), and how wonderful it will be at the Second Coming (because it IS coming). There’s no pretense between us; we are open and honest, and we laugh heartily, and cry begrudgingly, through it all. I thank God for bringing him into my life at this stage, and being there whenever I need a shoulder, or a heart, to share.
posted April 6, 2007 at 2:52 am
Just a random little comment: One explanation is that “Good Friday” comes from an old connotation of “good” meaning “holy.” Jesus’ death was not “good,” really, but from a Christian perspective, incredibly “holy”—the best type of “good.” God bless.
posted April 6, 2007 at 3:10 pm
Theresa, For many years many years my husband & I seem to be from different planets let alone spoke the same faith language, but Thank God now we do…I too understand what it feels like to long for spiritual friendships with others but mainly with my husband. Keep praying Theresa God hears and see all and b’c of His love & compassion for you, He will answer your prayers! I Thank God for your strength and humor to be able to share your story with us…I pray that this encourages someone else who finds themselve in the same situation! May God Bless & Forever Be With You! Ericka
posted April 7, 2007 at 5:52 pm
I loved how you wrote, You made me laugh. Your husband Eric, Bless his soul, must be such a Joy in your Life! LOL Those that make us think of why we do what we do. Help us to understand our own faith even More. That was the best thing I’ve read in a long time. Happy Easter to you and your Wonderful Husband Eric Wendy
posted April 11, 2007 at 2:35 pm
There truly is nothing more attractive to a spiritual person than someone who has the heart of Christ. Although you can not make your husband become spiritually your equal he will rise to a higher spritual level if you keep sharing in small doses what your heart is feeling. How old were you when you came to your present place of spirituality? Don’t expect your children to be there any sooner. We all come to a time of conversion if we are seeking God. We will find Him. Your family and your husband are loved by God as much as you are. He will touch their hearts, and you will know it. Priests are considered “safe” but we know that all, including the religious are human. They have different gifts and different vocations, be faithful to your vocation as wife and mother and your family will come along as well. Blessings, Patti
posted April 11, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Life is a balance. We cannot expect our spouse to meet every pychological and spiritual need we have. We are not an island. Enjoy your friends, love your spouse. Be grateful of the spiritual place to which your husband has evolved and will continue to grow. These things are all known to you. …..If you can have coffee and lunch and chat with your friends that is better than hitting the bar and going to the casino. How do we know you have lived a charmed life? We dont know your walk……I do know that a comment I read came from someone who is angry and hurt and needs not to project this on to what she thinks she is reading between the lines. ….I dont have the opportunity to go to coffee and ponder the inequity of man but I applaud any efforts to do so….
posted April 11, 2007 at 6:25 pm
I have to say as the wife of a self proclaimed atheist, I can truly relate to what you’re saying. My husband may God truly bless him is usually very good about respecting my faith and the desire to share it with our children. He is a good man otherwise. Some of the most devout churchgoers are the worst Christians so I didn’t look for that.I do miss the intellectual discussions of faith matters, but then that is why I read and I do have a couple of friends with whom I can discuss such things.
posted April 12, 2007 at 3:55 pm
Eric I can relate to My searching journey has been long,I believe that many have a need to not only “share” there beliefs but a compulsion to convince others that what they believe is the one and only way We need all remember that worship of Christ is truely a one on one personal thing, how we worship is as much a reflection of how we live and conduct ourselves as it is a practice of recognized prayer or attendence at a facility designed for relegious purpose.