Gretchen Rubin: How Do You Move Beyond Blue?

Gretchen Rubin and I are on the same mission: to find peace and happiness for ourselves and to spread it to others.

The only difference between us, I think, is that 1) I couldn't find the part where she has a mental breakdown on her blog (the idea for her "Happiness Project" came to her while riding in a cab in Boston, while my bright idea to write about this stuff happened in the psych ward in Laurel, Maryland, when I was painting a very ugly plaque of the serenity prayer during an hour of occupational therapy), and 2) I'm guessing she broke 1000 on her SATs given that she received her undergraduate and law degrees from Yale.

All this plus she's beyond beautiful (look at the picture) and beyond accomplished (read the bio at gretchenrubin.com). I'd hate her if my meds weren't working. By since they are, and she is my partner in this cause, I thought she should be a great first interview subject for my new series called "How Do You Move Beyond Blue?"

Important to my recovery from depression and anxiety is connecting to others who have something to teach me about staying sane. That's one reason why this blog has been so helpful for me--I get to meet all kinds of depressives and psychologists and smart people, in general, online and chat with them about prayer, food, shrinks, relationships, work, and coping skills.

So once a month I will interview fellow bloggers, mental health professionals, writers, or basically anyone who has something important to say on Beyond Blue so to provide an outlet for further discussions on the things that we think about: managing at the office without a box of tissues or not eating an entire frozen pizza because an outrageous bill was found in the mailbox, or how to give the kids a Time Out before law officials give us one. Please send me any suggestions you have for people I should interview, and I'll try to convince them to take the time to answer some questions for us.

Okay, Gretchen, could you explain your "Happiness Project" for my readers and exactly what went through your head in that Boston cab?

Well, on that rainy afternoon, as I was staring out the window of a taxi going from Logan airport into Boston, a realization jolted me so violently that I jumped in my seat. I suddenly saw that years were slipping by, and I was ignoring the great fundamentals of my life.

"What do I want?" I asked myself. "Well...I want to be happy."

But I never thought about what made me happy, or how I might be happier, or even what it meant to be "happy." I thought of a line by Colette: "What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." What if this happened to me?

I'd always vaguely expected to outgrow my limitations. One day, I'd magically stop twisting my hair, and wearing running shoes every day, and eating oatmeal for lunch and dinner. I'd remember my friends' birthdays, I'd fix up our apartment, I wouldn't let my daughter watch TV during breakfast. I'd make more time for reading. I wouldn't lose my temper any more, I'd spend more time laughing and having fun, I wouldn't nag my husband, I wouldn't be scared to drive.

But now, it dawned on me that I was already grown up--and I wasn't living up to the level that I should expect of myself. If I wanted to be happier, I'd have to do some work.

"I need to think about this," I reflected. "I should have a happiness project. Or maybe," I thought, "I should write a book about a happiness project." Eureka!

I'm especially intrigued to know what changes you thought would make you happier and how you have tried to implement those into your life.

For me, being happier required eliminating a lot of sources of guilt and irritation in my life--everything from getting a skin-cancer check for the first time, to sending more photographs of my kids to their great-grandparents, to cleaning out my closets. My bad feelings made me act badly.

At the same time, I've worked to have more fun, to see friends and family, and to take time for silliness and tenderness.

My happiness formula is that we have to think about feeling good, feeling bad, feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth. I've particularly focused on the first two, and that has brought about big changes.

You wrote "Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill." He is one of my top three mental health heroes (along with Abraham Lincoln and Kay Redfield Jamison). What can he teach people who struggle with depression and anxiety?

One thing that helped him most was painting. He took up painting fairly late in life, and it was a huge source of joy and comfort to him, especially in his darkest moments. He wrote a wonderful little book, called "Painting as a Pastime," which I recommend to everyone.

As part of the project, you are gathering rules for living from everywhere you can: from Aristotle to Thoreau to Julie Morgenstern to St. Therese (my favorite!) to Martin Seligman (another helpful thinker for me), to your friends. Could you share with us the top three rules for living you've found so far?

Ah, you are a fan of St. Therese of Lisieux! Everyone must run out and read her spiritual memoir, "Story of a Soul."

My top three rules for living...hmmm, that's tough. Can I have four rules? These sound obvious and simple, but if you can follow these, you will be well on your way to a happier life:

1. Exercise regularly and get enough sleep.

2. Take time for friends and family.

3. Do nice things for other people.

4. Act the way you WISH you felt.

I loved your twelve commandments: 1. Be Gretchen. 2. Let it go. 3. Act as I would feel. 4. Do it now. 5. Be polite and be fair. 6. Enjoy the process. 7. Spend out. 8. Identify the problem. 9. Lighten up. 10. Do what ought to be done. 11. No calculation. 12. There is only love.

Which one is the hardest for you? (No cheating.)

That's easy. #12 – "There is only love." With love, everything becomes possible, even easy. Staying light-hearted, laughing at myself, staying optimistic, cutting people slack, helping others, keeping my temper, acting in a kind way...but it's hard to do.