I have suffered from the big "D" for many years. It started back in my childhood. My Mother was clinically depressed for years but in those days no one knew what they know today.My family of origin was rough and abusive. Being different isn't bad, it is to be admired. My 2 siblings are worse but they are in denial over the whole mess. I have been in therapy for many years and on medication. Lately I have had some bad spells. I am divorced twice, have 3 children who turned out terribly narcissistic. I am accomplished and well educated but the past has a way of dragging me down. I have a Birthday,and Mother's Day are rought times. I tell myself it is only a day! I want to get back in my stride again and feel happy again. When I am on the right wave length I feel true happiness. My feet get stuck in the past. I tell myself the past can't be changed so move on! I pray alot and journal alot. I have to learn to refocus on myself and get back into life again. I attract poor relationships because I like charming. That isn't necessarily the right thing for me. I find men who don't believe in God and so they hurt me. I need to find Godly people around this earth. Today is the beginning of the rest of my life so I will be happy and do my thing.

Posted by: Hyla A Bernthal | May 17, 2007 7:15 PM

Therese, I have been meaning to write ever since I read Fr. Girzone's name in your blog. It was one of those coincidences that strikes you like a bolt of lightning. Fr. Girzone was my mentor, oh about 20 years ago, just about the time that he moved into a mansion in Altamont, NY and planned to make it a retreat house. I was in the Formation For Ministry for two years, and had to choose a mentor. I wrote to him after reading "Joshua" and boldly asked him to be my mentor, and he agreed! For Christmas one year I bought 10 first edition books from him and had him sign each one, and I gave them out as gifts. I treasure mine in which he wrote a personal message. I used to go to the mansion and talk to him, just like you do now.

Anyway, 20 years later (I'm 49) here I am recently diagnosed with Dysthmia after a devastating event which triggered a depression episode. I see a therapist now on a regular basis. I am learning a lot. I am surprised that he insists that I’ve been suffering from depression for most of my life. I never realized it but now that I’m talking to him I’ve realized that it explains an awful lot. He said I probably have never been genuinely happy and that I have built a wall up around the “real” me so that I don’t even know who the real me is. He said I don’t really know what it feels like to not be depressed. He asked me to tell him who I am and I suddenly came to the realization that I couldn’t! All I know is who I try to be. He had me go back and try to remember the last time I remember being the real me and it was when I was really little. I was shy and timid and scared and insecure. He said that’s who I really am and that I have extremely low self-esteem. That little girl learned to build a wall around herself and has never taken the wall down. And I have suffered from depression all my life since then. I am so dumbfounded. I’ve used my 3 children and my relationships to make me feel substantiated and valued and he said that no matter how much I succeeded in being a “good” mother, I would never be good enough in my own eyes. I have been so down in the dumps this week because I finally signed the Stipulation of Settlement giving my ex-husband physical custody of our 13 year old daughter and it was a sort of closure on the whole thing. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I think my sadness is bigger than the medication I’m taking. I feel so abnormal and so inadequate. I told my doctor that I have an overwhelming urge to escape. I want to quit my job, sell my house and move away from everything. He told me this is a very bad time to make any big, rash decisions. He said to focus on taking one step at a time. I can’t explain how alone I feel in all of this. My husband tries to understand but he really can’t. He tries to “fix” the problem but he’s fixing the wrong things. This is such a crisis for me. I feel like I have no purpose now and that I’ve been stripped of everything that was holding me together. It is so disheartening.

The trigger for all of this took place on March 9th. I lost my temper at my daughter that day due to a combination of things. She had been defiant and haughty and disrespectful to me, and I took it too personally. My anger at her and her father (my ex-husband) had been building up for a long time. She is in puberty and we both are going through life changes. I let loose on her and said things I didn't mean, and when she ignored me I turned her around to look at me and she lost her balance and fell. I've never done that before; I've never once raised my voice or my hand to her. After our argument, my husband took my daughter to her father's house, I went to bed and woke up when he came home. He said she was OK and was spending the night at her fathers. I really didn't think anything more of it. I felt comfortable that she was with her father for the night since we had been so upset with each other. I expected to pick her up the next morning and we would talk about it. I never in a million years imagined that I would get a phone call from the police the next morning saying they had filed a police report against me and reported me to CPS! I was shocked. The whole thing was really gotten blown out of proportion. I'm sure that if her father had given me the courtesy, as her mother, to come to me and get my side of the story first, this could have been avoided. I really think going to the police and reporting me to Child Protective Services was unwarranted. I feel her father should have been firm with her, as I would have done if it was reversed, and had her confront me.

My daughter has turned her back on me and has chosen to live with her father. Why did this one incident take precedence over all of the good things I’ve done as her mother? I don’t understand. I have been a mother my entire adult life and I was so not ready to let go of my daughter at this point. I feel like I have been stripped of my identity and now I don't know who I am. I am trying to cope but I am having a really hard time. I never in a million years would have dreamed that my daughter would reject me. I thought her father had broken my heart into a million pieces when we broke up, but this heartbreak is a million times worse.

I just had to write to someone who sees the mentor that I used to have. It would be nice to see Fr. Girzone right about now. He is such a gentle soul.

Posted by: Linda Isabella | July 25, 2007 4:13 PM