Thanks to reader Anonymous who wrote the following note on the message board of my "Six Strategies to Calm Yourself Down" post:
How do you "get out of the situation" if you have to be around in-laws that talk about the same stuff (sometimes negative) whenever you go around them. I'd rather stay home and send the kids with my spouse! However, I know this isn't the Christian way of doing things (you must be around some of every type of personality in order to get along with or at least witness to people). PLEASE HELP!! Sometimes I think they purposefully let things "roll off the tongue" to provoke me into saying something or try to make me feel bad. I always try to stay as positive as I can me in my mind while I'm around them but it does get next to me sometimes.
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have in-law issues. Maybe the chick who has never met her in-laws. Scratch that. I know someone in that category, and she still has issues.
I try to follow these pieces of advice when my positive cap keeps falling off at a family picnic.
1. Set some boundaries.
Preferably from the day you said, "I do," but anytime after is okay too. Boundaries prevent some of the natural irritation that results from two people didn’t exactly choose each other as friends or relatives, but spend a big chunk of time together.
For example, Eric’s family isn’t Christian, and we celebrate many of our holidays together. I needed to reserve Christmas Eve as our “holy” night—where we go to Mass, and have our "Happy Birthday Jesus!" party--and Easter morning as our sacred time (before we unwrap the chocolate bunnies and find the eggs filled with jelly beans) with the room to my unapologetic Catholic self. This makes me a much more pleasant daughter-in-law and sister-in-law when we have the family over for Christmas day dinner, or Easter dinner. I got my religion out of the way first (much like working out before you binge).
The same goes for prayers before meals. If we have a family dinner at our house, we’ll stay away from pork (one family member is Muslim), but I’m sticking with the traditional blessing (which starts with the Sign of the Cross). Eric’s family may silently send light to Goddess Iris or whoever, but the kids are only going to hear about Jesus, Mary, and Joseph for now, or until they opt to send light to Goddess Iris in college (at which time I will have come up with more coping strategies).
2. Repeat: "I love my husband."
This last past year I have felt a bit like a military wife because Eric basically held two jobs: one as an architect, and one as caretaker of an elder. Life is getting a bit more manageable now, but there were many weekends last year when I got no break from the kids. When Eric was home, he was totally exhausted, overwhelmed, and grumpy. I began to get angry at the situation, and resentful.
My friend Vickie helped me work through it. Unlike my pleasant mom-in-law, hers was a vicious, angry, vengeful woman who would insult her at every chance, a grimalkin whose mission was to drive a wedge between she and her husband, Mike, in order to insure that the couple would divorce. If anyone had a reason to be resentful, it was Vickie. But she wasn’t.
She stayed focused on Mike. "I repeated to myself over and over again 'I love Mike. I am doing this for Mike. I must respect her because she is Mike’s mom. I’m not going to call her a witch or something that rhymes with witch because she gave birth to Mike, and I love Mike,'" she told me. (It’s good to hang out with friends as positive as this, I’ve found. She truly inspires me.)
3. Talk to the hand, or your girlfriends.
This woman I met the other day at the pool said to me, “My husband gets so angry with me when I tell him his mom is a selfish, pathetic, judgmental, and calloused lunatic.”
"Huh," I thought to myself, "I wonder why."
"Blood is thicker than water," the saying goes, and it’s worth remembering that when you are about to say something less-than-kind out loud.
I always try to think about it the other way around. I know my mom has her quirks (sorry, Mom!), and it can be really funny when my sister points out one of these quirks in a witty way (sorry, Mom!). But it’s not all that comical when someone else (besides my sisters) tries the same act. That’s like a Catholic telling a Jewish joke, or a Jew telling a Catholic joke. You need to be Jewish to tell a Jewish joke without coming across as offense and a Catholic before you describe what the nuns did in confession (while slapping your knee and laughing out loud).
Everyone needs to vent, though, so I suggest you do it with your girlfriends because 1) chances are good that they will have an anecdote that makes your own situation like Candy Land (for example, the story I just read in "The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook" about the mother of the groom who tried to poison the bride), and 2) they won’t get peeved if you call your mom-in-law a "selfish, pathetic, judgmental, and calloused lunatic."
4. Concentrate on the project.
When I compiled "I Like Being Married," with Mike Leach (my writing mentor), we interviewed hundreds of couples about what kept them together.
This one older man, who had been married to his wife for over 40 years, told me, "You don’t have to be in love. You just have to be compatible."
I didn’t include his quote in the book because I didn’t find it particularly romantic or inspiring. But it’s a great practical piece I’ve remembered ever since I sat down with a pen and paper in front of him.
His insight applies to all aspects of marriage, including relationships with in-laws. In that regard, marriage is very much like a working relationship, and the more diplomatic in tone, usually the better. You don’t have to be in love with your co-workers to succeed at accomplishing a task. You just have to concentrate the project, which is keeping everyone out of therapy.
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The minister's daughter who blew off her mom-in-law may be Bible based but does not have a Christian attitude. She should remember Ruth and Naomi, where the daughter-in-law helped her mom-in-law and ended up being very happy and successful in life.
I would advise this mom-in-law to be very kind and gentle to this obviously insecure young woman. Perhaps the mom-in-law may have come across as a bit pushy at first, so she should let the couple have some time without contact. Then, a note or a phone call, or a little package with something thoughtful may be a good opening move. If the couple attends church, the in-laws may go to the church and perhaps invite the couple to dinner afterwards.
BTW, when the grandkids arrive, babysitting help will probably not be refused...even by someone who is in-law-phobic! Any other opinions?
OK, MILs and DILS......I empathize with all of your problems. But lets face it, you cant change people.....you can only make up your mind to cope with peoples idiosyncracies. But you must be as fair as you possibly can with the person who makes your life miserable, even when its obvious that theyre out to get you. JUST DO THE RIGHT THING.....always act as if a third person were observing you interact with your MIL or DIL from hell. As long as you are civil....thats all you can do.....remember there is a God and he is watching both parties.
Forget yourselves and think of how many people are being affected if you choose to act bitchy. Its not about revenge folks.....that attitude only perpetuates a bad situation. Let the other person act wicked, scheming and malevolent....you don't have to lower yourself to that level. Many DILs and MILs are always thinking about themselves and see themselves as victims all the time......but do a little thinking and figure out what youre doing wrong that is irritating the other person.
Faith, you say that your MIL acts so nice to the point that is sickening to you. Well, would you prefer that she be openly nasty to you instead? Also, it was her intrinsic, God-given right to hold her
newly-born granddaugher. She had no right to say Whos baby is this anyway....just because her daughter did not look like her son. But consider the source....and realize that everyone in that room thought she was completely out of line.....you didnt look bad, your MIL did, by saying something outrageous like that.
DILs and MILs.....get help, get counseling. Its important for you to hear from another person if youre being fair in your dealings with your in-laws. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our feelings and insecurities that we don't realize that were being ugly and impossible. Sometimes we cant see the trees from the forest and things keep getting worse instead of improving. Also, whenever possible, as your DIL or MIL to sit down and talk about some issues and make it a point to be fair and civil during such conversations. In my case, my DIL will not agree to talk to us because she doesn't have a leg to stand on and knows that if we sit down and talk she won't have a good reason to justify her hateful actions. People who are wicked are also elusive and will not agree to sit down and solve problems, because they want to perpetuate a bad situation.
Sometimes all we can do is pray for things to improve and pray for our DILs and MILs from hell so that God will enlighten them.....that's all we can do. My husband and I suffer greatly because our DIL from hell won't let us see our grandchildren....but our only consolation is that we are always correct and always reaching out towards our paranoid, insecure DIL. She'll have to deal with her conscience day in and day out.....with the fact that she is depriving her children from their intrinsic, God-given right to have as many grandparents as are willing to love them. That's why we can sleep at night, knowing that we've
been good in-laws to this confused, mixed-up DIL of ours, especially when she's done all the insulting and slights, but we have never come down to that level.
Hi there! is anyone making progress in their dealings with MILs or DILs? We have not made any progress.....we're still trying to connect with our DIL so she can tell us once and for all what is it about us that she dislikes so that we can change that. This reluctance of hers to come to the negotiating table only makes us believe she's not interested in having a relationship with us. Our son is equally reluctant to meet with us and it boils down to being intimidated by his wife. We understand that he is now an adult married man and his loyalty to his wife is first....but it would be nice if he could keep in touch with us without fearing his wife's wrath.
Have any of you MILs tried some nice gesture on your DILs to help improve your relationship? or have some DILs tried to be patient and kind to their MILs? Did it work? The idea is not to perpetuate a bad situation, but rather make it better.....make it a WIN/WIN for everyone concerned. I can't help think how many sons would have less stress and be happier if their wives could try harder to accept their MILs as they are and work with them a little to make things better. Also, I can't help but think how many sons would be happier family men and live with less stress if their moms would keep a low profile and be as prudent as possible, respecting this new little family. Being there for them if she's needed, but not meddling in the young couple's life.
Now that we've been banished from our son's family unit by our DIL from hell, we are waiting patiently for a miracle, for God to enlighten her to do the right thing. In the meantime, we're going about our lives, trying to live one day at a time, trying to identify with other people's pain and help them. We miss our grandchildren so much! but what can we do? If anyone remembers.....the last time we saw them was when we stood in front of their living room window and looked in. We saw both our grandkids and they were getting ready to run towards the front window....until our DIL from hell picked them up and took them upstairs. What kind of a person would do this to their children....especially when the grandparents are respected members of a community?? Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can reach our DIL?
Norah
Norah,
I think a good first step would be to stop referring to your daughter in law as the DIL from hell. It sounds like the relationship is very antagonistic. Perhaps you should do a little soul searching as to the possibility that something you may have said or done could have resulted in the mess that it sounds like you are now in. Being self-righteous can blind us to our own faults. I'm not saying your DIL is in the right, but right now it sounds like she is not very receptive to the energy you are putting out. Try to understand her, even if you disagree. She is a human being, after all, and the mother of your beloved grandchildren!
Good luck. Life is too short to get tangled up in such drama!
Amazed: Thanks for your input and the advice is well-taken. However, my husband and I are comfortable with the fact that we have treated our DIL over-the-top kindly and have bent over backwards to be nice to her. I have never said anything unkind to her and have never had an argument with her. We have avoided confrontations with her at all costs. We have overlooked all her nastiness towards us and have let her know every time that we are forgiving and willing to work things out. For the last ten days or so I've been trying to turn negative energy into positive by praying for her everytime I feel bitter because she won't let us see our grandchildren. My husband and I pray for our enlightment every night so we will find a way to reach her heart...we also pray for her enlightment. Yes, we're aware she's a human being and we have tried to understand her, support her and cooperate with her in ways I can't even begin to relate on this site.....but the nicer we are, the nastier she gets. We're trying to understand her and see things from her perspective, precisely because she is the mother of our beloved children and our beloved son's wife. We've had feedback from both her own mother and sister that she is impossible to deal with....so I wonder if we have a chance! The reason I've called her my "DIL from hell" is that she is just that!.....and this is the only place where I can express this truth without badmouthing her to people we know in common. I don't like sharing this type of frustration with my friends because I feel disloyal to our son and grandchildren and that's no good. In any case, thanks for responding.
In the meantime, I hope some DILs and MILs are making some progress in their relationships.The idea is to build a relationship, not destroy it. Doing the right thing by the other person is always a good rule.......which is different from being self-righteous.
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