I really wanted to say, too, that all I can do is try to be as sincere with people as I can be and it is very hard when we are people pleasers (I am much better at realizing others really can't read my mind and that if I keep silent, all will be well). I just read something today written by Michael Brown on SpiritDaily.com about our emotions and spirituality. It was helpful, too, in many ways.

http://spiritdaily.com/feellikewhoyouare.htm

Posted by: Peg | June 15, 2007 10:56 PM

Your essay was very thoughtful and helpful to me.
When you help just one person to get insight, that
gesture resonates more than you imagine. Thanks you
for sharing your resolve. This person (Fran) is also on
her journey and may be finding her way as well!

Posted by: R. Davidson | June 17, 2007 9:41 AM

hey therese--it's TJ Muktoyuk...i wrote to you back in May...you replied on your blog to me: "On Reaching Out" (may 14, 2007)...my question that day was: "How do i learn to reach out for help?"
i just wanted to give you an update...on monday, may 14, i DID end up "Reaching out for help" on my own...i'm a college student, & i made an appt w/one of the counselors at my school--a 30-minute appt...well, i was suicidal--at the point of Suicidal Ideation, actually...that appt ended up being 4 hrs (!) long, as she had me on a basic "Suicide Watch" & wouldn't let me go anywhere by myself (restroom included)...she ended up driving me to my therapist's office (thankfully only about a mile from school) at the end of the 4-hours she was w/me...from there, where my therapist saw me for 1.5 hrs, my mom picked me up & drove me to the local ER...i ended up in the psych ward for 10 days...
so, i guess i answered my own question...i reached out on my own, & thru the help of some very good people, i was a part of a team that helped saved MY OWN LIFE!

i've been scrolling thru the last month or so, trying to play catch-up on what i've missed since i was Inpatient, especially since i didn't have internet access up at the hospital...i had totally forgot about writing to you! thank you for your kind words, BTW...
i ended up returning to school--full time, too...i just finished the
Spring Term, w/a "B" average (good enough to stay in the Honor Society i'm currently a member of)...we have a one-week break before Summer Term starts--time enough to look over my books for next term, study up for one last Final Exam i have to complete during the first week of new term, & TRY to get lots of R&R!
thank you for reading this current post to you!..i've copied many of your Columns while quickly-scanning-over-them in the school's Computer Lab, to re-read later...just letting you know it's nice to have someone like you "in my corner", especially in the silence of my computer room at home...
see you on the web...*teej* (TJ Muktoyuk)

Posted by: TJ Muktoyuk | June 18, 2007 2:37 AM

Thank you for sharing Teej your journey will help many others not only yourself. You made a brave move in your life. Well done!! All the very best, onwards and upwards.Your a gem, I am pleased you valued yourself enough to seek help.

Posted by: natalie | June 18, 2007 3:53 PM

Hi, today was the day I was to read this article. I am such a people pleaser it is sickening. I seem to so honest with myself and then when people find this out they 'use' it. One of my traits is that it is so much easier to be happy than to be upset, not happy with oneself, which I work on daily. I've had much counselling and also belong to a "metaphyical' church and practice it completely ===or try. I do very well when 'm surrounded by my friends, but away from them it 's a lot of hard work. I moved away from all my 'metaphysical' friends and I find it harder. I was Administration Ass't to three ministers at different times, but same church and that is also hard since we all had a super relationship.

I'm mixed up and trying to take it 'one day at a time'........

thank you, SJW

Posted by: Sandy Wisz | June 18, 2007 5:05 PM

When trust and being taken advantage of is being received from your friend,yougot tocut it off and shake it off quickly so you won't be
poison and won't take a bad fall. Cut it off because it will suck up all your energy,another better door will open up

Posted by: jacquelynhopes | June 18, 2007 5:14 PM

wow, thank you so very much for sharing. I usualy just scim through these, but today I just had to stop. It is written about me of course, I am a people pleaser and it seems that I am the one doing the pleasing and getting nothing in return. Most of the time I feel like a maid and not an equal partner, I know I must change that, although I don't want to leave the relationship as I do love my other half very much. I have also thought that it must be bugging me to no end because I feel I am on the mend and trying to work through all my feelings. I think I must listen much more to my Inner Child/ Inner Self and not ignore her. It is also so very hard when you are supersensitive to everything. Thank you for reminding me to start setting boundaries for My sake more than others, and that you can't please everyone.

Posted by: Antje | June 18, 2007 7:09 PM

This is for Angela and others in a similar situation in their marriages. For many years I focused on all the "unselfish" things that I did for my husband, all the while growing in resentment at his lack of response. After a while, I stopped making the efforts. I didn't love him any more -- and he knew that I didn't respect him. Angela, I swear that I could have written your letter word for word, including the part about not knowing how I would be able to support myself, if we divorced.

Fast forward to the last year -- we were "lucky" enough to have him lose his job, and be forced to take one that kept him on the road for weeks at a time. With him gone, I had time to think about how much of my energy was focused on being angry with him because he didn't meet my needs. As long as I did that, I did not have to face that my only reason for my "unselfish" kindnesses was for the return I would get from him. Of course, my anger had made him withdraw further. To make a long story short, I decided that I didn't want to spend my life angry and resentful with him. I needed to make changes in myself - my neediness, my dependence upon him, my disappointment in him -- and I did. I reminded myself that through all my craziness, he didn't divorce me -- God knows he could have. I began to show interest in him when he was home. Over some months, I found myself looking forward to his weekends home, instead of dreading them. I wasn't faking interest, or ultimately affection. He could sense that my doing little thoughtfulnesses when he was home, was not to get something from him for myself. I think *that* made the difference. One day I came home to find that he had put a single red rose in a bud vase. This from a man who always has resented the sort of occasions (birthdays and holidays) when presents are kind of expected. When I asked him why he gave me the flower, he said because he wanted to. Believe me, that flower meant much more to me than any other gift he could have come up with.

We've been married for thirty years this December, and I can honestly say that this is the first time that I have felt love for him in twenty or so years. Things are not perfect -- I don't expect them to be. But once I changed my dance, he had to change his. The key, I think, was taking my focus off his "inadequacies," and making changes in my own selfishness. One other thing: when I finished school and realized that I didn't have to be dependent upon him financially, it freed me up to feel like an equal. Once I felt that, it was easier to release the anger I directed toward him for not living up to my expectations. He is who he is, and the problem wasn't him -- it was me.

I hope this helps someone in a similar situation.

Posted by: Babs | June 18, 2007 8:28 PM

I enjoy all of your essays. This was right on time for me because I have been a people pleaser all my life. After being involved in an unhealthy relationship for two years, I walked away from the relationship and everything that I owned.I found out what a low opinion my family has because they had to help me start over. Now, I don't visit family often and am beginning to work at pleasing me for the first time in my life . Thank you for your inspiring words. Avis M

Posted by: Avis McLaughlin | June 18, 2007 10:45 PM

This speaks to my heart. it has been a difficult task saying No but it has paid off. I now realise that the friends I need are right here while others are for their convenience, feeling guilty is part of it and avoiding to pick the phone...........not easy.

Posted by: Sophie | June 19, 2007 1:15 AM

Thanks for a great article, Therese. Lots to think about. I also appreciate Babs' post. Some posters approach the issue as establishing boundaries in opposition to another person thereby ending a relationship; she has the wisdom to see that there are times to approach the issue as redefining boundaries in partnership with another person and thereby redefining the relationship.

Posted by: Fairport | June 19, 2007 5:34 AM

"brEaKdowNs caN cReaTe brEaK thRoUghS.
thInGs fALL aParT sO thInGs fALL toGetHeR."
.....great article! its so nuts-just like 5 hours ago i wrote a blog about this EXACT subject! this article-was EXACTLYYYY what ineeded ;)

Posted by: buffiegayle | June 19, 2007 7:54 AM

Hello,
I am one of those people who is a people pleaser. I don't like to feel that I have hurt anyoine's feelings, so I get hurt feelings. My own children tell me, that I shouldn't worry all the time what people think. I always try to keep from saying things that will make someone feel bad. I am in a relationship with someone of seven years, I had been divorced for eight years. When we first go together he did things to make me happy. At this time in our relationship he is doing things I do not approve of, and I want to be there for him. At the same time, I can't wait forever for him to change his behaviors or habits. How do we stand our ground and not be a doormat for others without hurting someone? I enjoyed you article, but I would like to know as a Catholic what is acceptable by God's standards before we border on being out and out cruel.

Posted by: Sharon | June 19, 2007 10:00 AM

I was a people pleaser all my life until it almost killed me literally. I was 95% of the time rushing around doing what others wanted me to do ever since I was in grade school. Three years ago I got really sick. Physically and emotionally down. I could hardly get up to get my personal hygene done. Praying, praying and more praying is all i could do while laying on the couch waiting for my soul to leave my body. One day it dawned on me that the telephone had stopped ringing and nobody was at my door. That was due to the fact that I was physically and emotionally drained to be useful to anyone. I thanked God for that realization. It took a long haul to get back where i'm at now. I thank God for my husband's and son's patience with me thru the painful recovery. The phone is ringing again and there are a few at the door, but I have finally learned to say "NO,NO, NO, I've got things to do and for the people who did for me when I couldn't do for myself".
I've found myself to be happier, I feel lighter, it's inexplicable how I feel. I think i've finally found joy by pleasing myself first, for now I have time for my family too.

Posted by: Virginia Pierce | June 19, 2007 12:45 PM

I can SO IDENTIFY with this article. I have recently left a relationship of 5 yr. with a boyfriend with a diagnosed personality disorder. I didn't know how I would leave as this man had gone out of his way to be in control of most if not all the money. One day, out of sheer desperation I prayed to Spirit and told God that I would rather be dead than continue on in this way. I had suffered some extreme abuse in exchange for my patience and understanding of this man's mental illness. Rock bottom is where I was! To the poster who is wondering "how to get out"...it took me a year to do it. I work 2 jobs to make enough to live in expensive California and make my bills. I do other "side jobs" when I have the time. Yes, I'm busy...but I'm happily free!
I appreciate my singleness and being alone in a way I had never thouth possible before. I used to hate being alone. This relationship has taught me to value myself....regardless. What a valuable lesson.
I now have time to work on my heath issues (a few have cleared up on their own, due to me leaving) and other things I want to improve in my life. I was never entitled to this with him, he being "Borderline" and feeling threatened by ANYTHING I did for myself. I am recovering from the exhaustion of giving too much away... to someone who can never receive (he refuses help and medication). My next task is to work on the issues that allowed this man into my life...and others who have drained me (all with my permission!). I look forward to a bright and sane future :)

Posted by: Victoria | June 19, 2007 1:14 PM

A friend gave me "Gift From the Sea" many years ago after my baby daughter died tragically and unexpectedly.
It's been a staple of my inspirational reading for over 20 years. Nice to see a quote from that wonderful book.

Women in particular often feel the need to please everyone in our lives. Whether it's nature, nurture, or both, we often literally give until it hurts. Not just ourselves, but our families and friends when we forget to set proper, self-preserving boundaries.
Realizing you're not an endless reservoir of strength, resources, emotional support and patience is accepting the fact that you're a mere mortal, with limitations. It's true humility and being modest in walking with your God.
No one understands that better than the one who made us. We're automatically forgiven by God for not being able to be all things to all people, that's His job. Then we must learn to forgive ourselves.

Posted by: Gina | June 19, 2007 3:45 PM

Although I have always been careful not to call everyone a friend, I am one of the door mats that have been lying around for years that others seem to have no problem stomping one. I trust and believe in all the wrong people. I enjoy helping people grow and improve their situation and to achieve their goals. Unfortunately, this has backfired on me so many times, I can't begin to count them anymore. But this last one, my husband, has finally relieved me of that desire. I've been working on getting past all that and will be more causious in those I help in the future. From now on I don't intend to be anybody's "patsy." That's just my name. Your article confirms that my sisters are right, that I am moving in the right direction. Finally! Thanks.

Posted by: Patsy | June 19, 2007 4:52 PM

I really enjoyed your article and fully understand the inner turmoil everyone has felt. I had a "so-call" friend for almost ten years and as a people-pleaser, I didn't even realize letting this or any friend go was an option. Intimate relationships were different and I've had my share of the wrong ones, but it never crossed my mind that a platonic friendship could cause so much grief. Friends weren't suppose to treat friends with disrespect and disregard. When I finally figured it out that I needed to cut the cord, I felt like the bad friend. And then something amazing happened, I began trusting myself and I felt more and more energy. I fully believe toxic people in our lives block the natural flow of energy and harmony in our lives. I wish her well but I will no longer surround myself with energy vampires!
Thanks so much.

Posted by: Mac | June 19, 2007 10:54 PM

Most wives/female partners are taken for granted especially if they try to be nice to everybody merely for the sake of a peaceful atmosphere.Every human being ought to be aware where & when to draw the right margin & not let others cross that boundary,however intimate
the other person might be.Problems arise mainly when people aren't willing to listen and also give & take respect.Let everybody have their own breathing space in every relationship which the other may not intrude upon.Men enjoy too much freedom while the same is allowed only on a smaller scale for women.Why is it so?If both are equal partners in the real sense of the term,a lot of conflict can be avoided.Men are a proud lot and expect too much slavery from women.
A man tends to forget that a woman is a human being like him even though she may be referred to as the weaker sex.That does not mean she ought to be taken advantage of all her life in spite of her numerous sacrifices for her family.

Posted by: ANNE. | June 20, 2007 1:08 PM

I am happy this individual share their struggle, because I struggle with the same weakness also. Setting boundries with people and maintaining them to me feels almost agressive, and with many people I am discovering, that agressively holding my boarders is an, ugly, but needed thing, for there are many people who liek to damage and distroy other peoples lives and happiness and these malicious persons are not always obvious lookinh criminal or villian type, they are your mother, your father, your lover, your siblings, your close community, who mingle in their envy inspired sabatoge and other negative influences hidden in the cloak of good will, love, or with the excuse that they are only joking. Some people will attempt to wreck your life, simple because they want to see if they have the personal power to do so, and these people are always dangerous.

The hardest thing, for me, about setting out boundries, is that they not only keep the people I wish to keep out of my life, out, but that they also keep me in...and i feel lonely. Any advice on how to feel comfortable in this uncomfortable alien place? I am tired of beng a door mate just to have a little company in my life.

Posted by: Michael | June 20, 2007 4:16 PM

I too have struggled with setting boundaries, and people pleasing most of my life, but now in my 50's it is getting easier. I have found that setting boundaries is crucial, especially with toxic people and family members. I respect myself and love myself now, I don't have to be liked by everyone, or have relationships with "psychic vampires" that suck the life out of me. That is really freeing. I guess the questions to ask is" Does this relationship add to my life, does it enhance my life? If not, why am I in it? What is "in it for me" other than feeling used, belittled, etc? I believe that if stay in those types of relationships there IS something I am getting out of it, but it's not positive. I no longer wish to do that to myself, it is no longer "attractive", the chaos of it is no longer appealing. I do believe that for a long time, having lived in chaos, I helped to re-create it by choosing friendships and relationships with toxic individuals. Takes awhile in recovery to realize and see these things!

Posted by: Deb | June 21, 2007 1:35 PM

I grew up trying to please. As hard as I tried, I could never seem to please anyone enough. You'd think as an adult you'd realize this plan wasn't working.
I married twice, both marriages I did everything I could to make the marriages work. While my husbands sat back and enjoyed the fruits of my labors. It occured to me, I couldn't do it all for both of us. The question I asked myself, "Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?" The answer is, NO! While you might think, I don't know if I can do it on my own? You can look at it and see you already are.
I work two jobs, and come home to a quiet apartment, I share with my two cockatiels. My daughter married a year ago. I walked in on my own. And she walked up the aisle alone. Both of us grew to be strong independant women. It shows in our actions. While other women I know constantly complain about their husbands and boyfriend issues on a daily basis, I say, I don't have that problem! Grin...I've dated a few men. I've noticed I am still finding the same type of users. I decided the best way to break this cycle is to stop looking. I put it into God's hands. If it's meant to be, he will lead us together. If not, I am just fine on my own...The bonus of this is that you will really learn alot about who you are, what you want, need, like, feel and so on...It also means you don't need to fight over the remote. When you have someone in your life, you tend to lose sight of this. Now you can refind yourself, redefine yourself, and love the real you...
I've learned some very important lessons along my travels. If you do what you've always done, you will get what you've always got. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Anything less is unacceptable. We are all worthy of everything good life has to offer. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve.
Read alot, it will expand your mind, improve your outlook and give you lots of food for thought. I will suggest one of my favorite books that helped me and many others I told about it. It is by Melody Beattie, "The language of letting go." It will boost your morale in so many ways. As well as teach you much more about yourself and how to help yourself.
And finally, learn to use that little word, NO. It is the key to keeping you free of this people pleasing. Don't feel guilty about it. Or as my one friend says, if you can't say no, retrain yourself to say, let me think about it and get back to you. It buys you time to think of how to say no.
I wish you all peace and success in your lives...

Posted by: Jan | June 23, 2007 11:38 PM

I absolutely loved this article. I usually just read the articles without posting a comment. But this time, I felt the need to respond. I believe one of the reasons I love being a follower of Christ is that I am reminded that I am not the only one who struggles with issues like these. Being a member of a family of faith is knowing that other family members in Christ can help with their love or support or testimonies. I too am a recovering people pleaser. I have sacrificed my own happiness to appease others, all in the name of "being a friend". I have let my own recognition of what the Spirit tells me be silenced by the resounding opinion of what other people would think or say. I have let guilt be the foundation on which others stand and remain in my life, although their usefulness or productiveness in my life has gone. I have allowed myself to be defined in their eyes and heaven forbid, if they get mad at me or become disappointed with me! I would swear that this would never happen and turn into someone that I did not recognize.

But oh, the peace of mind that comes with being free! I have learned through pain and through love that I cannot please everyone but I can please God. I have asked God to give me discernment to recognize how to set healthy boundaries, to not have others' wishes become my necessities, how to recognize that saying "no" can be a life saver, how to surround myself with those who uplift and give, rather than take life and drain energy. I have also learned that although God will not force you to let something or someone go, He will allow circumstances to become so uncomfortable that you feel that you would rather follow His will than become victimized by your own. Lastly, I have learned that when a plant or a tree is pruned, it may look more ghastly after all of the dead or unfruitful limbs are gone. But wait until the season of growth begins. The impending harvest is beyond words. Although the pruining hurts and gives the appearance of loss, the growth that results as a matter of being cut is indescribable. My brothers and sisters, I suggest that we begin to allow God to prune us so that we can grow more, bear more fruit, and allow God to take those dead things so that He can give us more life and that more abundantly. From one recovering people pleaser to another, I know God's grace will take you to places where you cannot get on your own! God bless you and thanks for that article!

Yours in Christ

Posted by: Natasha | June 25, 2007 2:10 PM

Thank you for that...I am, unfortunately, a people pleaser...I have become better at saying 'no', finally, at age fifty five plus. Only after getting myself emotionally beaten all my life. I now recognize some people will just not like you, no matter how kind you are to them...and when they treat you like crap...let them go. I no longer feel I have to show everyone I am a good person and enforce that I have done nothing for them to dislike me. It has taken a loooong time, but I have started to arrive, finally. It is liberating!

Posted by: marsha bonhart | July 6, 2007 10:06 PM

this post is for Kelly who had the courage to go it alone. I too am in that kind of relationship. I still love my husband after 15 years of marriage and together for 24years now. I feel alone and controlled and it is killing me. I don't have the resources yet to make it alone. Your post encouraged me and made me feel enpowered. Way to go Kelly. I will know when the time is right. God will show me the way.. Tired of being hurt...in New Jersey...Susan

Posted by: susan jimenez | July 6, 2007 11:50 PM

I also know this feeling of heaviness, like the wet suit.

My mother died June 07, 2007. I found her body. My call to 911 said:
I am a healthcare professional and I'd like to call for the coroner.
The operator says...Well how do you know that she's dead. Hello???
No pulse, no breath and being hard...usually means that you are dead.
I was so offended that I wrote a letter, to the editor, of our local newspaper. It was published. I felt like someone had insulted, my intelligence. I explained that I wasn't angry w/ the 911 operator; but that 911 needed to take a course in tactfulness. So, I also know this sinking feeling, that the wetsuit represents.

Whatever you do, do it and be true to yourself.

Thank you for sharing the story of how heavy the wetsuit became. It
brought so much...to light.
Love and Friendship

Posted by: Estelle Seibert | July 7, 2007 8:27 AM

I cannot begin to tell you how helpful your words are today. I recently ended a friendship that has been part of my life since childhood. I had struggled with loving this person inspite of the drain the relationship had put on me. I was the token friend who tagged along to feel like I was part of the group, not popular, not pretty, just me. I somehow felt that if I allowed this person to beat up on me mentally, I was gaining a true friendship. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Backing away has shown me that I was sacrificing me, my morals, my love for others, and most importantly, ultimately my blessings from God. I recently found out that she had lied to me for most of the last three years about her husband's abusive behavior and I had been backing her up thinking that I was somehow protecting her. She was using me. I liken the feelings to what Christ must have felt despite knowing that ultimately, Judas would betray him to the Roman authorities. I have given my time, my energies, my resources, my love, my compassion, sacrificed time with my family, only to discover that the one person I held so dear as a friend, could not even tell me the truth. The boundary building is really tough, I miss her but I know that letting go is the healthiest thing I can do. I am discovering I am much stronger than I imagined.

Posted by: EH | July 7, 2007 9:04 AM

I remember something a friend once shared with me. Lord protect me from my friends, because I can protect myself from my emeries. Only someone you trust can get close enough to hurt you. And you can double those odds by being someone who's always out to please others. At what cost, ask yourself? For many years I have make myself to be available for anyone who needed my services. I have been blessed with many talents, I sew, do beadwork, flora arrangments, porcelain dolls, cook, bake, and then some. I have had to back away from some people because as one told me it was my talents that they needed, didn't really care to be a friend, but I served a purpose. After the 2nd stroke I have learned to limited myself. I still share myself and try to be a blessing, just not a the risk of my health. That, I learned the hard way. And yet I still feel bad to have to put someone else on hold. To have to say I'll can help after I finish this project, because I can no longer spread myself that thin anymore. It's hard but I'm working through it. The hardest is with family and friends, but those who care about me understand. And those who don't I get over it, and it doesn't hurt as bad as it use to. For those who just want to use me it's their lost, I have no reason to feel bad, I did it from the heart. I have had many others come back years later and tell me what a blessing I have been so it hasn't all been bad. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt just make sure that whatever part you play is for all the right reasons. My friends we all have one thing that keeps us close. It's the right to disagree, and still be friends. And if emotions run high we put it on hold for another time. I try to remember Lord may the words I speak be tender and sweet, for one day I may have to eat them.

Posted by: Juanamie | July 7, 2007 9:28 PM

I met a woman while in an alcohol rehabilitation program this past June. We were roommates and became good friends during that time. She's the only woman I met there that I have kept in touch with since graduating from that program the end of June. However, she continually relapses and when we talk by phone in the evenings I can tell she's been drinking. She is not married and has no children. I am married with 4 kids, so our lives are very different. I've been feeling anxious because she's been calling me at odd times (especially in the evenings when I'm trying to spend times with my family)and it's causing me to feel uncomfortable. A combination of feelings and none of them very good. I am too much of a people pleaser and am tired of it! Anyway, I know keeping in touch with her is not healthy for me because I take my recovery very seriously. Thanks for this article . . . it reminds me that I need to put myself first more to ensure my recovery.

Posted by: recovering1 | October 26, 2007 8:56 AM

I always had been taught to treat others as you would want to be treated and tried to instill this in my daughters
To their dismay they found out this did not always hold true. I had trouble understanding this at first. But, I had to realize that I was trying to have them make me happy. They ran into situations when trying to do this that back fired on them. So, we should remember the quote, 'To Thine Own Self Be True.' I agree that however painful it is to walk away, you should take care of you. A true friend will stand by you 'thru thick and thin.'

Posted by: GREENEYES | October 29, 2007 4:10 PM

Wow! This really hit home for me. I am also a person that cannot say "NO" and have spent most of my life getting myself into various dramatic ventures because of it. I have always felt like it was easier for me just to do whatever was being asked of me than to have to live with the guilt of not being there for that person when they were in need and asking me for help. Then comes the "Karma" thought of "When I am in need or I have a problem, someone will be there to help me because I have been there so many times for others and it will all come back to me." Recently, after a close family member said some very hurtful things to me because something I said was taken out of context, it ocurred to me that I have been a fool all these years. When I was doing my best to help out various friends and family memebers in crisis, it (in most cases) became expected and not appreciated. This was finally realized when I did put my foot down and say , "NO" (which was usually after I realized that I was being taken advantage of) the other person would get angry with me or try to make me feel guilty. I have left my kids at home with my husband to run out in the middle of the night because a family member had overdosed for the 10th time, or when a close friend had lighter fluid poured on her and was almost set on fire by an abusive boyfriend that she couldn't let go of. This resulted in her moving in with me and my husband with her 2 kids before she eventually went back to him. I have paid months of back house payments to avoid foreclosure for a family member going through a divorce and substance addiction. I sat in a hospital all night because a close friends' nephew was shot in the face because of mistaken identity. The list goes on and on and quite honestly, would probably make a great book because most of it is unbelievable but very true. When my father passed away a couple of years ago, I can count on one hand the "Friends" of mine that attended the service. I have learned that when I am going through a depression or some type of turmoil, the ones that always ask me for help are conveniently unavailable when I need them the most. I can't think of anything that has ever made me feel more alone than when I finally realized what a fool I have been to give my heart, soul, tears, finances, time and what little bit of sanity I had left to people who never really appreciated it. I wonder if any of them ever thought of all the sleepless nights of worry I experienced. Did they ever think about the financial hardships that were put upon me and my family just to save them from themselves? Do they ever think about how hard it was for me to stay up all night in a hospital and then go home, get my kids up for school and then work all day long? What about all the miles I have put on my car (not including gas) running various friends or family members to doctors appointments, AA meetings, NA meetings, etc. The sad part is that I can't blame these people because I ultimately made the choice to try and be helpful and ended up being used. It is a very painful realization, but it's true. I, like so many others, have been a fool and a co-dependent. I know that I will never be able to say "NO" to everyone, but I am going to try my best to be more selective and not let guilt control my decisions.

Posted by: DeAnn Medina | November 12, 2007 11:41 AM

i have never been on this sight before. it feels like a blessing to have found it. i agree with so much of what i've been reading. i didnt even relize what a people pleaser i was until about 6 months ago and why. i learned that through a sponsor. i have come to understand why i am. it is always a work in progress but, at least now i can feel it, see it and change it. 3 steps forward 2 steps back sometimes but, im trying. reading this is a big help. thanks

Posted by: joyce | November 16, 2007 10:33 PM

I completely understand all of the above that you have written. I, too, am a complete "people pleaser", but I am realizing it is mainly for the wrong reasons- that is, my desire to be "accepted", my deep and sincere wish to be a "constant" in my life and there for my family and friends, many of whom I lost in my state of 10 years + of addiction and depression. I have finally said goodbye to opiates, and am nearly at my three month mark clean, but am having a much harder time with benzos. I am, and always have been, very much an "introvert", or, "old soul", as my Nana likes to call me, and being social is very hard for me. I am 36, divorced and currently "engaged", and finding myself with a partner who consistently makes me feel "less-then". He comments on a daily basis about all the things I didn't get done, which makes me resent his feelings, and the fact that he never seems to give me credit where I believe it is deserved. (e.g. I am the one who got him, at age 54, on my blue shield insurance and covered), there are many more I could point out. I try and read something from beliefnet every morning, and this topic seems quite poignant. Thanks for listening!

Posted by: Elle | November 26, 2007 1:33 PM

What is a 'stage four people pleaser?'

Posted by: belovedhadassah | December 3, 2007 9:49 AM

Thank you Miss Theresa! Gives me alot to think about and came at a perfect time. God bless you! And I send to everyone out there who is learning the same life lessons, you are worth it!

Posted by: sybil | December 13, 2007 2:37 PM

I love this blog because all the articles I've read lately seem to pertain directly to me, and I don't even know how I got signed up for it! In any case, I ran into someone today that I had a good friendship with the last three years. She was my beloved mentor in a mental health prgram. I loved her and shared everythin with her.
But a terrible betrayal of trust occurred, and I was deeply hurt. As was my family. I terminated the friendship. Now I have run into her on both Thanksgiving and today...and both times I just said "Hello, How are you?" and kept walking. It was very hard and I was swimming in guilt afterwards.
Why do I feel guilty when she was the one who betrayed me? I don't know, but I am working on it. And just like Theresa, I continue to move forwards, not backwards... forgiving the sinner, but not the sin. Praying for her future, and my own...but seperately. Peace..el

Posted by: Ellen | January 2, 2008 6:37 PM

I am in a tough place right now - 1 and 1/2 years into a relationship where I receive extreme verbal abuse in between the times that all is perfect and feels that it could miraculously improve. As I endeavor to learn about myself through counseling, work to self-improve and trust God, speak truth and receive blame and threats in return, (with almost never an apology) I find that even the boundaries I have healthily set are not enough....Please pray for me as you read this. It's likely I need to leave this and move on. Doing so will feel very difficult and defeated....PLUS, I have a wonderful child who deeply loves the man. How long is long-suffering and when does it just turn into stupidity? Thanks for the vent and thanks for your transparency which invites the sharing!

Posted by: Debbie | January 8, 2008 3:04 PM

Hi,
I am the the definition of people pleaser. I have two younger brothers, identical twins. I work for them and have for 10 years in their very successful business. I am the the bookkeeper officially, but oh my responsibility has so gone beyond that. My brothers don't have clue about running a 3 million dollar business!!!! They are the hardest working people I know, but when it comes to any kind of business savvy they are total not there. I have tried to enforce some rules (guidelines) to be followed. Just common sense to me, something which should organize and prevent the total chaos and mess at my end of the business. My one brother has not spoken to me in 3 months and my other brother ended up screaming at me that I want "my way" and when I have a million dollars I can have some say. This was not about ME... I have been a loyal employee and treated my brothers company like I would my own. This is something that I read every goo employee should do. I have made no decisions or done anything without consulting them first. I have only looked out for their well being even though they don't listen to me and get angry with me when I offer my advice. Help!!!! I'm so not an idiot and I know that what I offer is very good advice. Guess it's time for me to move on????

Posted by: penny deckelman | January 14, 2008 8:24 PM

Excellent article. This is also a good self-esteem builder which we ALL need periodically. Keep up with these great articles.

Posted by: Donna | February 9, 2008 5:50 PM

I so needed to read this today. I am 38 never been married and from one bad relationship to another. My BF broke up with me mid January after 10 years!! I had so desperately been trying for the past year to have a baby and it didn't happen including fertility clinics where we were both checked out. I have done so much for this guy give, give, give and he took and took and it was never enough. He had no ambitions or drive while I feel I am accomplished but he accused me of having no ambition and drive and being negative. He was negative and couldn't be around my negativity anymore he said. I am a great person and spent years not getting anything back in return. He was very self absorbed and only cared to be around you if you could offer him something...what's in it for me. He only thought of himself and in the end he broke my heart after leaving me drained and empty inside from all I did for him. He also took away my chances of ever knowing what it is like to become a mother which I wanted more than anything in this world. I am moving out next week and he has showed no emotion and says this is the best thing that he needs to "find" himself. I feel so depressed right now and don't wish bad thoughts on anyone but know that he will never meet someone like me but he doesn't see that right now. I also know he had depression problems and thoughts of suicide due to his career and life not going anywhere. I believe he blames it all on me and he feels without me in his life it will be better. I know it wasn't me and everyone around us knows that too but it doesn't make me feel better. I believe what you put out into the world is what will come back to you and that he will quite possibly be reaping what he sows. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. I know my lesson in this all is to give my love to someone who deserves it and to give to those who reciprocate not those who are sponges and leaches who constantly suck everything out of you and tell you its still not eough. I hope God's plan for me was that he wants meet to meet someone great who will love me and give me a baby.

Sheryl

Posted by: Sheryl | February 22, 2008 4:25 PM