My therapist photocopied for me a page out of the book "When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within" one of those many days I sat on her couch in tears, telling her how frustrated I was with my kids so much of the time.
"I love them both so much," I said. "But to be completely honest, I don’t think I was cut out to be a mom. I’m not enjoying it in the way that I think I should. Most of the time I’m totally aggravated and irritated and pissed off."
In "When Anger Hurts," authors Matthew McKay, Judith McKay, and Peter Rogers summarize a few surveys that paint the real, not-so-Monet picture of parenthood and emotions, especially for those of us who are highly sensitive (less tolerant of loud noises, chaos, and just about everything that kids create):
In a survey of Canadian parents (Minden 1982), 41 percent of the parents rated their parenting experience as negative and frustrating. Over half the parents in a study by Frude and Goss (1979) had lost their temper and hit their child “really hard.” Another 40 percent feared that they might lose their temper and really hurt their child in the future. These were not troubled families with difficult children. The subjects who reported these feelings were “normal” parents with "normal" children.
I was saddened to read about those high numbers of parents bordering on their own breakdowns. But I couldn’t help but be relieved to know I wasn’t alone, and that maybe the massive maternal grin gracing every cover of every tabloid in the grocery store when I’m checking out (both physically and mentally, as little hands are grabbing the Skittles and M&Ms) is lots and lots (and then more) of Photoshop. And that maybe I’m not so much more delicate than all the other moms—perhaps I’m just more honest.
The authors go on to list some of the working conditions of parents that make highly sensitive moms such as myself prone to overarousal when in the presence of little people:
1) Long hours.
2) Children are incredibly messy.
3) Children are noisy.
4) Caring for children requires that you do many repetitive and time-consuming tasks.
5) Children are self-centered.
6) Children push the limits.
7) Children need tremendous amounts of attention and approval.
8) Children require vigilance.
Now don’t you feel better?
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I can completely relate to the list of stressers, especially the noise of children. I can remember as a child watching my grandfather leave the house and and sit outside in the quiet, no matter the weather, whenever the family would gather. I never really thought about it before, but as I get older and since having kids, I've come to realize how much noise stimulates and irritates me. Even when the kids aren't doing anything "wrong" their noise challenges my patience. Non-stop TV noise is the same. I realize now that going outside to get some quiet time was my grandfather's way of coping with this. His is a good example of taking care of ourselves so that we are better able to take care of our families.
This should be plastered on the walls of every Public Social Servant's Wall.To teach them that all Parents as well as children are humans in need of Love and patience.
Wow this world could use a good book like this I think this book is Wonderful "When Anger Hurts Quieting the storm Within" from the beliefnet if anyone knows where I can purchase it I'd like to buy it and distribute to my friends and family. Please post on Ebay books or Amazon books Thank You LOL
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