I suffer from bipolar disorder and from generalized anxiety.I know all too well what it’s like when people don’t understand,when they think you’re weak,or that you should be able to somehow ‘get over it’.Therese,I attempted suicide four times in three years,and even one of my own doctors, after looking at my file,didn’t understand.My old friends didn’t understand(which is partly why they are ‘old’ friends).You’d think that four suicide attempts in three years would give them reason enough to at least TRY to understand,but no,it didn’t.This made me realize that they weren’t truly friends,because a friend would have at least tried to understand.We can’t expect others to understand,no, but they can at least make an attempt to understand.We deserve that much,we deserve the respect and dignity that people who suffer from illnesses such as cancer,alzheimer’s,and countless others,are automatically entitled to.Just because you can’t see depression doesn’t make it less real than other illnesses whose symptoms are readily apparent to the observer.People with depression face an illness,an enemy,that takes more strength and courage to endure and overcome than anything that any Olympic gold medalist or world-class mountain-climber,or even any astronaut to have ever walked on the moon,could imagine.It’s time that we took away the stigma associated with depression and other mood disorders.We have as much right to be recognized as heroes as anyone who battles cancer,or any other chronic disease.

You are SO right!Why are we different because chemo won’t cure us?Sometimes I wish it WAS cancer.I don’t know how we all get up and keep going every day,but as long as we do,there is hope.

Thank you, Vincent. You couldn’t have stated it any better. I HAD a friend who used to always tell me to ‘get over it’, like I wouldn’t if I couldn’t? I, too, say, if it was cancer, it would be looked at in a whole different light. But we’re stigmatized. If you have cancer, you have sympathy, if you have mental illness, you are abnormal. I have had electro-shock therapy and been on every anti-depressant there is. I am still depressed. These therapies work for a time, but never for long.
It’s true, just getting up in the morning is a major accomplishment. I wish everyone could experience depression for just one day. I bet there would be a totally different outlook on it then.
And Vincent…..we ARE heroes.

I seem to have a diferent problem, my husband has Alzheimer’s for 12 and I am his only care giver. As the years passed my black whole just go bigger. Meds worked for awhile to make my black whole smaller, but something strange has happened. All my emotions have shut down, I don’t feel anymore of any emotion. I just move through the day by day. At night I sleep or don’t sleep. I wonder if this how a Zombie lives. I see a doctor and hear the words but they don’t mean anything. I’ve been told I have this blank stare and to me there is no way to break through. I use to try but nothing has worked, so I just gave up, too much effort. Has anyone else been like this?

DEPRESSION, What a sad state to become to of our lives we fight and fight to over come the signs that we feel and know all too well. I have been able to fight it and not let this consume my life with out drugs, but threw spirituall faith. I have watched my former mate subcome to depression and try to make me misriable as he was, to no avail did I let myself become so low as to feel I needed to live his life tryrd as I did to help him he only wanted me to be sad, upset, full of pain and misery as he felt If I were to whistle in happiness he got angry at me for he felt no happiness in him, which I will never understand, However I do under stand depression, It has had its grasp on me many of times where I did try to take my own life and failed from being on sphycatric watch to being druged beyond belief, I say to those of you who battle this every day, you need to try to look inside of yourself, for the answer lies within you to overcome If only for a moment you can feel happiness then you need to grasp it remember the feeling and become one with the breif feeling you have exspirenced of happy, for this is where you need to go back to, to take baby steps until they become giant steps for you are truely the only one who can make a difference within yourself as I have done with happiness it does lie within us I feel your pain, and have felt I was the only one, only to remember I am not alone there are many like me who feel depressed but think if you can hold this feeling to make someone else lose there feeling tham maybe the next time it is your turn to be able to smile and tell your self you are not alone in this and it is my time to overcome and enjoy my life if only for a day than amen to you I say. Take tthe power within feel happy smile thank your higher power for it can always be worse you could never be able to feel love or the warmth of the sun on your face or the quence of a cool drink of water you are the only one who can stop and take a look at all you have to be thankful for, for it could be worse…….. Please take a smile from me to broghten your day feel the warmth of the sun on your face, enjoy the cool drink of water, and tell yourself you love yourself and call someone and say I love you and I will be ok and beleive your words for you make your own happiness so please for today or tonight believe in yourself and your own happiness, Take a smile from me to give you if only a moment of peace and happiness within feel it and learn from it it can be yours GOD Bless you I hope you feel better soon and learn to smile as I have done for myself, This is the only body I have and the only life I have so make the best of it and PLEASE try to find your happy ness today…………we are all in this together believe it or not GOD loves you and so do I.

BELIEVE IN YOUR SELF………. DO NOT EVER GIVE UP FOR THIS IS THE WAY OF A COWARD WE ARE NOT COWARDS WE ARE SURVIVERS SO GET UP AND START SURVIVING ONCE AGAIN PLEASE DO NOT EVER GIVE UP ON YOUR SELF YOU ARE TO IMPORTANT………. TRY TO LOVE YOURSELFIF ONLY FOR A MOMENT THAN A SECOND THAN AN HOUR AND A DAY BELIEVE IN YOUR SELF FOR TODAY.. KATH

Deborah,Kathleen, thank you, both of you!! You’re both amazing!!! Subjecting a person to electro-shock,though, is no different than torture.Are we living in the 21st century, or what? Is this a nation of freedom,or the Inquisition?? Anyway,thank you both for your support and kind words. God bless!!

Etta – You sound like you are totally burned out. Medications can only do so much in a situation like yours. I don’t think that they can “cure.” They can, however, create a certain level of emotional stability allows us to function.
The most difficult thing for caregivers, is the lack of care they give themselves. Many communities offer services (respite care)that enable caregivers to get out of the house for a few hours or a day. This service is offered free or at a low cost. I urge you to seek this for yourself. You need to have friends and interests beyond taking care of your husband.
I don’t know if the doctor you refer to is a family doctor. A mental health professional would be better equipped to meet your psychological needs. He or she would understand the stress you have been living under.
You may feel too empty to be able to pray; I feel that way when I am extemely depressed. But reach out to someone close to pray with and for you. Writing this board is a good first step, because people here understand and pray for each other. Continue to write.

dear etta,
you need to do something each day to make you happy. you cannot make anyone happy unless you are. it is easy to stop feeling but you are stronger than that. you just need a hand and a friend to talk to. you are starting to let things get to you too much and change you. Remember to be true to yourself and don’t let anyone change you or have that control. You need time to be yourself and pursue your dreams. Even if it is five minutes. Take a walk and go enjoy the beauty of nature or pick a flower or do something you enjoy. You are responsible for your own happiness and have a right to seek it and not feel guilty for doing that.
Ann

To everyone who has done everything that a doctor orders and still feels depressed, I have one other thought/suggestion that few MD’s consider…
Track your food intake – and I mean EVERY component. There are many, many allergic reactions that do not include a runny nose or anaphylaxis.
Very long story short, I am allergic to beef. Occassionally, I can eat it and not get depressed. Most of the time, it makes me feel as though I am hungover and intensely depressed – and I have not had a drop of alcohol. Peanuts are also bad for me, and this is very tough to get away from because most restaurants that have zero trans-fat fried foods are frying with peanut oil. Onions, basil, and cinnamon are some of my other triggers.
If you can find an MD/allergist who will do the test to measure blood levels of IgE, do it. This test definitively proves nothing, but will give you food candidates to test by elimination diet.
Just a thought.

I appreciate the comments, soory it took me so long to get back here but I couldn’t keep food down for 20 days, drs can’t find anything wrong but I think it was stress. I went to 86#, (needed new clothes which I am not going to buy because I have to gain weight back. I am
trying but for me it is slow progess. I have gained 2# but stil have a long way to go.
I was filling out the paper to put my husband in a VA Home because I am really burnt out and I do have a life to live. I am seeing a phycitrist twice a week now but she really doesn’t understand the stress, since has never experience this hersef, os it is hard for me to talk with her. Thanks for the imput Babs
Ann, I never thought of being shut down as being easy but you are right – to shut down leaves no room for pain – thats how I go one day at a time. That really opened my eyes tonight. Will have to do a lot of thinking about that. I think I am afraid to open up again but I use to be stong but being stronger just got too heave and I took the easy way out. Thanks for your input Ann
Sheryl, I think you might have a point about food because I eat more red me meat than any other meat, when I was younger, I had a lot of
energy, so food went right threw me fast. Now I am slowing down I gues and need to eat beter. That wil be a Chalin for me but I wil try to
see if anything helps. Thants for all the info you have given me.
The social services wil be here this Monday and I want to be prepared for with my talk. Wish nme luck! Please do send prayer, I need all I can get. Eta

Boy, I was really tired when I wrote the above. Bob is finally in Day Care 5 days a week. I am catching up on some rest. I also care for my Uncle who is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. He will be starting Day Care the last week in Aug. Starting next week, I will have two nights out because someone will come in to take care of both. I will go to our club house, if I can make myself, to see what is going on. Hopefully I will meet some new friends and I can start to open up again and start to take care of myself. I now also have a metal health doctor, which understands my situation. I am on very little meds.
Send prayers, because I am trying.
Etta

Has any one of you tried the medicine Zoloft? I just started taking 100 mgs. a day, and I am not sure what to expect? Thank you,
Kay

I, too am stuck and teary and wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again. I’ve lost my marriage because I was so angry at my husband for not being able to earn enough income so that I could have some respite when I wasn’t feeling welland so unbelievable hurt that he doesn’t understand what hell most days feel like so he turned to another woman. I’ve picked up the slack and paid the price and I am still angry. Angry thatI have to live like this. Angry that my children have to have a mother like me…it’s so unfair to them. Angry at God for not hearing my prayers. I’ve been actively participating in my recover but some days it still feels like its too much and I wait for the day when my body, mind and soul can finally be at peace. How do you all make it through the days and nights and years of this?

I was hoping to find inspiration on this. Am I depressed? Yes, I think so. Clinically? My psychologist Sister says no and that I am not Bi-polar or manic. But, depression IS in me and has been since I was a child. I am was a child of the sixties/seventies and always, up, down, up down and mostly down. Went for twenty years coping and managing and refused therapy, but once, when my ex-husband and I split in ’96. Didn’t want to talk about Mom/Dad and childhood. Cared only about the marriage. Thoughtfully, that was a mistake, because a recent breakup has doubled or perhaps tripled the pain of the divorse, the lost friendships and the not so terrific relationship with siblings and remaining parent (Mum). I helped while Dad died and frankly, He was the glue that had held the family together in spite of his responsibility for all the pain. Go figure.
So I ask? Is medication and therapy the only way? Does it say what I am most afraid to admit? Am I chemically imbalanced and/or in need of stabilization or am I just circumstantially depressed (for 12 years or longer?)…Just wondering what you all think.

May God Bless You All, I hope you will never be mad at Him because I don’t beleive he would make us or want us to be hopeless and hurting every day of our lives. Depression is such a hard thing to live with. My comfort zone is in my bed sleeping, there I don’t have to worry. I am trying to break this bad habit and find a comfort zone within myself.
Last winter was the worst! Our home burnt down on my 33rd birthday, and I, my husband and 2 wonderful children were living in a 34′ travel trailer until Jan. of this year. Our Home burnt in July. During that time there was not a day that went by that I did’nt think “Ok, today is going to be the day!” Then I know the Lord would allow me to vision my two sweet children finding my lifeless body and all the pain they would feel. Everyday that is what kept me alive! God hears and answers our prayers or we wouldn’t be here. I just think that when we are suffering, we are blinded by our depression and cannot feel that anyone cares or understands. For me it’s like I am numb. But just remember and repeat this: YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT ANYONE THINKS OF YOU. I CAN EVEN LET HARSH CRITISM ROLL OFF MY BACK. I KNOW BEING JUDGED IS A PART OF LIFE, SO WHEN IT HAPPENS I JUST LET IT GO!! I RELEASE ALL PAIN AND SADNESS FROM MY HEART IN PEACE AND GRACE. I FORGIVE ANYONE WHO HAS EVER TRIED TO SILENCE MY VOICE. I AM LOVED BY OTHERS, I LOVE MYSELF AND THE PERSON I AM BECOMING. MY DEPRESSION IS DISSOVLING QUICKLY IN GRACE AND I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
Read,write and say aloud these affirmations all the time. As much as you can.
ALL MY PRAYERS AND LOVE,
JANE

Hi,
I haven’t posted here, yet, but I’m glad that there’s someone out there brave enough to broach this subject. If you’re depressed, that’s one thing; me, I’ve got bi-polar disorder.
The pain of depression lingers with me long after I’ve lapsed into a manic phase. People can’t relate to someone who’s both so excited she can’t sleep or eat while simultaneously being so down she can’t focus on the upside of things. If those who don’t suffer this are confused, imagine how I and my fellow sufferers feel!
We’d love to approach normal, whatever that is, for just ONE day in our lives; even an hour would be nice. I’ve discovered one of the secrets of having the illness and not letting it destroy me; ask GOD to help you unravel it, one strand at a time. Don’t worry about what others think, they haven’t a clue and never will because they’ve never been across the street we have to cross just to live every day.
We are here for a purpose. Discovering that purpose should drive us, not remaining stuck in an illness that’s there to slow us down. If we have to THINK our way thru an event in life, we must likewise take the time to thank GOD that we survived it at all. Isn’t that the point of a major illness like this? Forcing us to look heavenward for our help in times of crisis, instead of towards the earthly family and friends who haven’t a CLUE?
God created this illness in us when He made us. He isn’t malicious, just concerned that we remain with Him always. We can’t take any credit for uncovering one more reason for surviving it because we’re too busy trying to defeat it. Why are we in this funk today? We aren’t necessarily to blame for being here, but we are responsible for how we handle ourselves when we are here.
Revel in the rainy days and look to God for help. This isn’t necessarily a relgious thing, everyone believes in their own kind of god so it applies to all. Atheists still have to believe in God to not believe He exists, and that’s a quiet joke we’ve had at their expense for years!
Your fellow traveler in Fresno, Petra K.

Last year at this time I was so deep in depression I couldn’t even stand in line at Subway and order lunch without sobbing. I took time off work at my physicians orders, only to find my abusive spouse was critical and demanding that I return, even though I had plenty of paid leave. I had seen my doctor early, when the feels of dread and hopelessness were manageable and was already taking 10mg Lexapro. It wasn’t helping. He moved it to 20mg the same day he told me to take time away from work.
In those days, all I could do was lay in bed and hope to sleep. I would doze in and out, fully clothed, until I had to pull myself together enough to get my young children home. It wasn’t like me. It lasted for months even with medication. Even with the abuse out of the house. It wasn’t me at all. I barely functioned. I had been a vibrant, energenic and strong woman. Yet depression stripped me to barely being able to breathe at times.
My medication helped me so much to be able to cope. Without it, I would have never seen clearly enough to get out of the abuse. I would have never gotten the energy to be a single mother reshaping the lives of my young family after the abuser left.
I worked as a Unit Manager in a state mental health facility for 8 years and I know from that experience, as well as my own, that the need for chemical correction in our bodies and minds in critical in getting the help we need.
I am lucky to have been able to maintain without medication for some time now, but I know that it helped me so much. It’s so disappointing that so many people simple cannot accept illness, even their own.
Be strong in who you are. Learn the lessons each set-back or triumph offers and move forward, knowing you are capable and loved! God bless you all.

WOW!! I think that is the best description on depression. I thank you for you honesty. I feel that way alot, but to the description hits my heart , climbing to get out. I pray for all who sit in dark places that God will shine light. But I’m learning that some form of action helps.
Thank You

The whole point is my husband doesn’t get it.
I am bipolar and an extrovert.
My husband is unipolar and an introvert. For 11 years he was my caregiver, then sometime during the 11 years, he went into a deep depression, and was diagonized unipolar. I finally got straight with my med’s. I got a new doctor because my doctor, a director of a mental health hospital kept on putting me on one drug after the other, then decided he could not help me so send me in to community mental health place, where it was just as expensive as outside mental health prices. I quit going after going to a day program where we did not get into any support groups and had game shows on certain times of the day. i needed support. Then I was assigned a shrink and asked my assistant for another and she got miffed and said no for no good reason. I found a new doctor who matched my insurance policy and he put me a lithium carb. and I got better. Before this my husband was talking about me leaving and i actually moved out into this weird mental health place in NC. It was like being a cult. The purpose was to get me self relient. I tried to commit sucide several times before going to NC. Then when in NC, I broke my hip. It’s been hard times. I stayed with my Mother, then went back to just stay with my husband until I could go to my Aunt’s place. I later found out that year, the reason I went from my Mother’s to my husband’s is my Mother and Step-father wanted to commit me into a State Psych Hospital. How kind. I was suicidal but didn’t need to be committed. My Mother never told me about this. She just had a Chesire grin on her face when she said she had talked to my husband and he wanted me back home. I was in 7th heaven but it wasn’t what I thought it was going to be like.
These 11 years have been murder to our marriage.
Last July, my husband started an affair which lasted until December. I only learned about it by asking point blank are you? I could not believe my best friend took me on a horror ride. We separarated and we bound for divorce. Then after the other woman miscarried, etc. they broke up. Then my husband tried to commit suicide.
By taking care of him as best as I could, he decided to want me back and try again, only he cannot commit to any affection (some but about a speck.) we had a fight last night about something and he was so rude.
We are on our 9th couples therapy. He does not treat me special. Some of the couples therapy is brutal. I hear things that shock me. Like he sometimes doesn’t even like to hold my hand. I was having the blues about how I was treated all day today and he acted fine when I got home. Then he decides to get a cam vidio recorder for the computer for me out of the blue. I had wanted one, but i could have gotten it, and gone with him. There is a wall between us and I just don’t know how to handle it.
Thank goodness I have a great therapist, who I’ve had for years. She has been so good to me. My phyatrist is good too but I only spend 20-30 minutes with him once a month.
My therapist reads my journals. I really recommend them. It is so freeing to put down thoughts and then try to read a book and go into another world for awhile. I also find incense very soothing.