Back on my "Lady Codependency, A Good Samaritan?" post, Beyond Blue readers had quite the discussion on what, exactly, codependency means.
Reader Yames wrote this:
Codependency has virutally nothing to do with God or "blessings". It has everything to do with letting yourself get involved with a person or in a situation that is, ultimately not good for you, but not feeling able to extricate yourself from the person/situation without feeling guilt, remorse or worse, feeling like you can't live the life you deserve to live wihtout giving in to other's demands/wishes/requests. This isn't a story about being charitable, per se - it's about being charitable when you don't really feel you want to be and the guilt that comes about as a result if you don't give in. It's a terrible and frustrating position to be in. I'm not saying "don't be charitable, don't be giving of yourself". I AM saying that you can establish boundaries for yourself, that you can say "NO" without guilt and that by doing so your life can be enriched, instead of overwhelmed by the feeling of "I'm not a good person because I didn't abide by so-and-so's wishes" or "I didn't do enough", etc. I know this is grossly oversimplified - but for most of the folks who posted - you're missing the entire point!
I was relieved to know that there are quite a few recovering people-pleasers among our readers here on Beyond Blue. Among the messages posted on my "People-Pleasing: Today Is Not Your Day" post were these gems:
I was just thinking earlier today, I wish there were a little handbook on boundaries that I could hand out to people who come in to where I work. Sometimes they are searching and I don't want to engage beyond what I am able and what is appropriate for my work, but I wish I had something to hand them to take home with them. I'm working on my own boundaries ALL the time and it's obvious many people don't have any idea there is such a thing. Then, here you are with these words of wisdom that I needed in my own life regarding men who are nice in many ways, but would be a load for me to carry. It's tempting when I would really like to have a partner and have been single a very long time after a divorce. Thank you for the reality reminder! --Gloria
Also on my post, "People-Pleasing: Today Is Not Your Day," reader Michael posed this question:
The hardest thing, for me, about setting boundaries, is that they not only keep the people I wish to keep out of my life out, but that they also keep me in ... and I feel lonely. Any advice on how to feel comfortable in this uncomfortable alien place? I am so tired of being a doormat in order to have a little company in my life.
First, Michael, let me say that I empathize with you. When I was younger my mom used to call me the "pink little powder puff," meaning that I wore a sign around my neck that said, "Go right ahead, walk on me." I am far from having mastered this boundary thing, but I can say (with my hand on a Bible) that today I would rather be alone than with people who mistreat me. And I think that's because I value myself more.
Sometimes learning how to enjoy yourself alone (and I'm not talking "Slumber Party toys") is the best thing that you can do for your friendships and family relationships. It's all part of getting comfy with the real you.
Wow! What a lively discussion there is on the message board of my "Lady Codependency, a Good Samaritan?" post.
Thanks, especially to reader Jeri who wrote:
I don’t think this lady [me, in case you missed it] is a codependent; she just doesn’t know and hasn’t been creative enough to think of what to do with all her blessings, that’s all. I read an old Chinese proverb that said: "Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart".....and I'd like to add: "Whatsoever you DO, DO with all your heart"
I have been thinking about that (I’m a natural ruminator) ever since you wrote that, Jeri. And you’re right.
For the longest time I have equated Christian service to assisting the poorest of the poor. Right now I don’t have time to volunteer at a soup kitchen, so I have this nagging guilt that I’m not doing my part. When I get hit up for change, then, even if I smell alcohol on the guy, or if I know that the woman didn’t just run out of gas--that she pulled the same scam on a friend two days prior--I still fork out the money because, again, I feel guilty that I’m not serving soup during my afternoons.
After reading your thought, I reminded myself of my trip to Calcutta, India, and what it taught me.
Last year, before I started writing Beyond Blue, I had the same inner dialogue--where and how should I serve? Ultimately that conversation led to keeping my mother-in-law company during a difficult time for her. I describe that process in my post "Start at Home." She's better now. And that's good. Because I have a new mission in Beyond Blue.
In my post, "Charity Confessions," I talk about the "right" reason to serve. Although acts of altruism are important happiness boosters, I don't think they can cure severe depression and I think the happy doctors who imply they can do...
Peter Kramer describes the science of resilience in his fascinating book, "Against Depression." His dream--the fantasy of resilience--gives me great hope that one day I might not have to work so hard at staying positive and sane, that I will,...
I think all of us are more resilient than we think we are. I was moved by the comments of reader Nancy on my relpase post: We are sometimes strongest at our weakest moments. We feel like giving up, but...
Take Beliefnet's quiz to find out how you deal with life's most challenging moments by clicking here....
The opposite of depression is not happiness, according to Peter Kramer, author of "Against Depression" and "Listening to Prozac," it is resilience: the ability to cope with life’s frustrations without falling apart. Proper treatment doesn’t suppress emotions or dull a...
Thanks to Beyond Blue, I know that I’m not alone with regard to how my packed schedule contributes to depression. Reader TJ wrote this in an e-mail to me: One major factor to being suicidal was not enough time to...
I continue to be amazed and delighted by the support offered by readers to those who post their problems on the message boards of Beyond Blue. The other day at breakfast, Eric said to me, "I feel bad for Moira."...
I was especially concerned about reader Ginny who wrote the following on the message board of my "When to Get Help" post: How do you find a good doctor when you're terrified of leaving the house? When the very thought...
Now that I’m officially a blogger with eight months of entries behind me, I have tried to get to know other mental health bloggers so that we can share resources and guide our readers towards helpful information. James Bishop does...
One of the most meaningful notes I received on my relapse post was from a woman who lost her son to suicide. After reading her words, I felt renewed in my mission to educate as many people as I can...
Along the lines of helping people to understand mental illness, I received the following question on my relapse post. I wondered what Beyond Blue readers have to say about how to approach a friend who is struggling with depression. Thank...
Thanks to reader Teresa who wrote the following question on my "Dear Guardian Angel One" post: I don't wish to offend, when I say that Guardian Angel One sounds a bit controlling to me. I might add, it must be...
I’m not quite sure how to thank all my Beyond Blue readers for the loving and compassionate notes on the message board of my “Is It a Relapse?” post. I’m blown away by your support and kindness. I usually write...
Here are just a few of the pearls I found on the message board of "Is It a Relapse?" Reach the Middle Place Deep inside you have the heart and faith to know that bad as today is, there is...
I was also pleased to hear how many readers have recently discovered Beyond Blue and are so relieved to have found a place where others share their pain, that they take away such hope from the reader comments and from...
People may have the very best intentions, but we get hurt regardless. At least I do. Since children’s books are the only pieces of literature I read anymore (besides Beyond Blue, for grammatical errors), I got this little bit of...
The third spiritual agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, "The Four Agreements," is this: don’t make assumptions. Ruiz writes: All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally. Take...
Last visit, Dr. Smith gave me strict orders to chill out more. So that's what I'm doing today--trying to, at least. I will be back tomorrow!...
A depressive becomes a kind of detective in trying to solve the relapse dilemma. "What the hell triggered this?" I’ve been asking myself for about eight days. I studied my sleep-mood-menstruation-medication journal and realized one thing had changed: I went...
I found this article, "Day of Rest, Posture of Rest" by Diane Bloomfield an interesting read. Excerpted from her book "Torah Yoga," she believes that both Shabbat and yoga teach us the art of relaxing and restoring ourselves. To read...
Speaking of rest and relaxation, depressives need to watch very carefully for symptoms of anemia because it can seriously undermine your quality of life. Here's a Johns Hopkins alert on some important facts about anemia: Don't Underestimate Anemia Hemoglobin (Hb)...
Warning: Male readers may want to skip my first two posts, and go down to the post about sleep hygiene, as I’m about to talk maxi-pads and stuff like that, and I know that some men absolutely hate all discussion...
Here’s an interesting article on WebMD by Miranda Hitti about the relationship between depression and menstrual cycles. Jan. 28, 2005 -- Most women with depression get worsening symptoms prior to their periods, researchers say. In a new study, 64% of...
I mentioned my sleep and mood journal. That's always my first step in trying to solve the depression/anxiety relapse dilemma, because nothing (well, maybe food) affects my mood more than my sleep. Which is why it's so importance to practice...
"Acknowledge miracles in your life. Angels are God’s miracle workers," writes Jayne Howard Feldman, and Suzanne Siegel Zenkel says "Where there is goodness, there is an angel." I’ve met an angel at every important crossroad in my life. One came...
Dear Guardian Angel One, I'm not angry with you. I was going to call you today to tell you all about it. I think you're right about the politics. And I've told my editor that I don't want to go...
Dear Guardian Angel Two, I wanted to wait before saying anything to make sure I wasn't anxious about anything else, and confusing my emotions, but I wanted to let you know that I left your place with some hurt feelings....
My favorite children’s book doesn’t have beautiful, colored illustrations. It isn’t even hardback. It’s a $3.95 black and white paperback that explains to kids how to express their emotions. I read it to David and Katherine whenever I can find...
There is little need for a therapist when you have a three-year-old and a five-year-old asking you probing questions and analyzing your thoughts. "Mom, do you have an-ziety?" Katherine asked me the other day on the way to the pool....
Every depressive is different when it comes to crying "Uncle," and calling the doc. My guardian angel Ann says that if she stays in bed three days in a row, she will call the doctor on the fourth day (or...
There was a beautiful essay in the Washington Post last week by Laura Zigman on the moment she cried "uncle," and took the "happy pills" that she was so adamant on not taking. It’s a wonderful description of depression and...
I’ve said this before, but I learn as much for my readers and readers learn in my posts. One reader, TJ (I remember because that’s also my nickname), wrote back in May, "How do I reach out for help?" I...
Right after reading TJ’s uplifting success story, I learned about this disturbing story: An Australian woman accused of murdering her father and sister was denied psychiatric treatment because of her parents’ Scientology beliefs. You can read the entire story by...
Regarding relapse, here's some interesting information from "Psychology Today": Contrary to conventional wisdom, it's not some singular upsetting event that sends most people spiraling downward into a relapse of depression. Rather, it's longstanding difficulties of a relatively severe nature. So...
Although we weren’t allowed to roast marshmallows in the psych ward (for fear of someone purposely lighting himself on fire), there were many campfire moments, where we sat in a circle sharing some of the most intimate memories, stories, hopes,...
When that happens to a manic-depressive when her bumps get wings and fly away? She becomes "exuberant," the title of Kay Redfield Jamison’s book ("Exuberance: The Passion for Life"). This is the other face of depression, not mania. Jamison writes:...
Because there were over 80 responses to my post about the poem 'Footprints,' I wanted to share a few other inspirational quotes, sayings, or stories that have given me strength. The Story of the Fern and the Bamboo was just...
And one more piece of my spiritual armor is Psalm 91. My mom kept her Bible in our living room marked to this passage. I would sit there when no one was around and read it over and over again,...
Four attractive young moms (what SOME men might call "yummy mummies") are sipping on margaritas at a Mexican bar enjoying Happy Hour. "I’m telling you, I hate it!" one says. "I can tolerate it if I’m not tired," says another....
There’s no such thing as safe sex, argues Esther Perel in her book "Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic." Because in order for the sex to be good, and desire to live in a relationship, there needs...
Oh my God! Maybe I'm allergic to sex! One more thing for this OCD gal to worry about. I don't think I am, but this was interesting article anyway. To read the whole thing click here: "Could You Be Allergic...
In "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person," Howard Halpern says that "the most tragic and self-defeating addiction is an addiction to someone who is tied to someone else, particularly by marriage." He offers six guidelines to help you...
I know I've been excerpting Howard Halpern a lot on the topic of dysfunctional relationships. If you need a new voice, check out Paula White's article, "Walking Away from Toxic Relationships," by clicking here. It begins: When God wants to...
Thank you to reader Angela who wrote the following comment on my "People-Pleasing: Today Is Not Your Day" post: I really appreciate this article today because I am also struggling with this issue in my life. I feel like I...
I can’t say for sure what the right thing to do in either case (Angela’s or Julissa’s). However, I think these four characteristics of self-delusion and addictive relationships (in my mind the same as dysfunctional relationships) offered by Howard Halpern...
After I e-mailed reader Babs to thank her for her heartfelt comment on the board, she e-mailed back and asked me a question that I’ve pondering for the last week. "Since you get so disappointed in so many relationships, you...
If you care to get instruction on healthy relationships from the Bible, here's a great excerpt from "Men Are From Israel, Women Are From Moab" by Dr. Norm Wakefiled & Jody Brolsma. Get to the article by clicking here. It...
Since so many of the reader comments on Beyond Blue deal with relationships, I thought I'd devote a whole week to relationship issues. I'll revisit the topic of emotional affairs, offer some questions to think about for those considering leaving...
I wanted to return to the topic of emotional affairs since there were over 100 messages on my posts on that subject: "Ten Red Flags," "Breaking Up and Moving On," "The Emotional Affair," and "The Dangers of Head Sex." For...
How do you know when you are in an addictive relationship (or an unhealthy, emotional affair)? Here are more excerpts from Halpern that will help you determine that. There is probably an addictive element in every love relationship, and that,...
Add to Del.icio.us
Add to Technorati
Add to Digg
Add to Newsvine
Add to Facebook
Add to StumbleUpon
Subscribe
