I am very observant of the person i am with threw his conversations i have got to know him and i just came out of a relationship. i have lived my life in the fast lane for a very long time i have realized that i like to take it slow when it comes to sex i want to make love however the person i am dating, likes to take their time too and be more spontanious.then so predictable. He suffers from depression and A mutal friend of ours told me he is very co-dependent and he stated to be very controlling. I am more free spirited and uncertain if i even want to take this to another level. With the reality that i have been a heartbreaker. And in the past known people who want to be involved with me and i have slept with them then expected them to be okay with just being friends and if they didn’t i would still go out with them and not sleep with them. until they get the picture. Makes me question my behavior and my honesty in this relationship

I understand what your saying Lisette.
Dont’ worry about having lived in the fast lane…been doing that for many years also. I have broken more hearts then I care to count and not many have broken mine (though a few for sure).
I have slept with people knowing they cared when I didn’t and I expected just friends when the sexual excitement wore off.
The difference between you and I is that I finally decided it was time to grow up. Being free spirited (as I use to call it also)is really being to scared of getting involved emotionally and to scared of having your heart broken so you just have sex thinking it is having a relationship or being in love.
Adult relationships are not what any of those previous involvements were.
I am also just coming out of one relationship…heading into another but the man I am heading into another relationship with I have known for 2 & 1/2 years through my AA program. So far everything he has said to me on how he thinks and feels I have heard him say previously in weekly meetings.
My current guy knows I suffer from depression and we both have “issues” BUT we didn’t hear it from “mutual” friends. We knew it because we got to know each other prior to getting involved.
Don’t believe what a mutual friend say unless you know that mutual friend VERY well. Friends are known to say things in hopes things won’t work out for you.
We have already found a good way to let the other person know their “issue” is flairing up is to jokingly say “Boy aren’t you getting bossy or controlling or stingy or complaining etc. today?
Now I have a chance with someone who has made it very clear that “the cuddling, hand holding, kissing etc. are more important then the actual sexual act…NOT THAT THE SEXUAL ACT ISN’T IMPORTANT..but the touching in general connects us in ways that the sexual act doesn’t.” (his words).
He is actually teaching me what true love is. What is like to miss being with him but being alright with it, to make a call just to say I was thinking of you, to lean over and kiss him on the nose and giggle.
He is teaching me how to truly give a part of me while expecting nothing in return. God then gives me back (through my friend) what I have given to someone else.
Only you can decide what is right for you.

I have been married 2x. My first marriage lasted 13yrs. I have 3 children and a grandbaby. I have had 2-3 engagements in bettween my 1st and 2nd marriage. This man was different I thought. I met him through a friend going to church. He does not drink, smoke, run around, or go to bars. He had been in prison thru his life, but has done a big turn around. He is a good man. He cannot leave his mother. He divorced me this April 10, 07. He has no children and cannot tolerate mine. He ran home to mama more than being w/ me. He called me after a month of divorce and begged me, stated he was stressed and he loved me. I tended to see a pattern before though, once i would be w/ him intimidly he would back off from me till he needed me again. I was so stupid. I answered his call after a month. We had started to try again at this relationship. This time trying not to jump into bed he started going to my church. The flesh was to strong a couple of times, but we were trying to do it right this time. Trying to enjoy ourselves w/o the sex first. I just feel like I am going in circles, and getting no where. I see him on wed. for prayer, and he is off thur. and Fridays, and he goes home to mammas to rest w/o a care in the world. I have the responsibilities, he has helped somewhat financially. We recently just stopped calling eachother. I do luv him. I just do not believe he luvs me enough to deal w/ my life w kids. I need someone that will luv me for me and my children and not just when he gets horney.. I need to move on to find someone who will cuddle and hold my hand and want to spend time w/ me, Genuinely.

I have been married nearly 18yrs. even though we barely lived together 10yrs, my question is why I don’t have a divorce? the only answer that makes sense is as long as I am married I don’t have to ever consider being with anyone else, the problem is in my head that sounds good.
My heart sometimes wants to try again, so it must be fear of what my future holds that’s holding me back. there was littlte intimacy with my husband, it was usually wham, bam no thank you maam, i was use to intimacy. The talking, holding hands and sharing times together bad or good, this is something I shared with my children’s father. We had a very intimate relationship that was deeper than just sex, sex when we got to it was WONDERFUL to say the least. I guess I am spoiled to that, if I can not have that than I perfer to stay as I am, CELIBATE and mostly happy! We cleaned the house together, cooked dinner together, those were the most loving times I have ever enjoyed just for me, I am well aware that those kind of relationships are rare, but when it ended it took half of me away, I am still not sure I am all back even though that was over 25yrs. ago. I wouldn’t want him back now he’s been down too many roads I’d never travel on. But when he use to call some yrs. back I still found a tinge of anger for him because he could not commit!

lifes a bitch , maybe there’s been to much strees in the relationship , causing a low interrest , but you do love , still live with ,and have lived with for over 10 years . so ,now what’s your opionion

I am in total dismay. I am 60 years young and have been in a relationship with a man that I love very much. The sex is great but it is more than that. We can connect in the kitchen or just shopping…as we pass each other little brief touches and hugs…just to enjoy each other. Unfortunately, I tried to move in with him…but at the time he had no running water in the house and did not seem to let that bother him. For me, it was a major inconvenience as I work still each day …in any case I moved back out at weeks had gone by and he still was not hiring a plumber. He tends to be a cheap skate and was not going to hire anybody…so eventually after over a month a neighbor helped him fix over 7 leaks in his cellar. I do still love him but of course, he is very upset with me for moving out. I miss him and our love terribly. I just could not deal with the cleanliness issues with having no water or being able to take a shower. He was drawing water from a well and doing little bird baths for himself. But I am a mondern girl and really feel I NEED my showers daily.
As I said I still love him and see him from time to time…but he feels that it would never work out with us as I cannot rough it as he can and that would be a problem. I hurt him when I left and I say if you love someone you overcome the problems and work them out. I don’t really beleive you can turn it on or off like a faucet.

I have been married for 35 years and I am 55 my husband is 59. We used to have a very active sexual life, but haven’t had sex for 5 years now. I have been on antidepressants that limit some of the sex drive, but I still desire the intimacy, cuddling, and touch that sex provides. My husband and I get along very well and unfortunately, just like the article says, I got too controlling, and demanded that we spend most of our free time together. The “mystery” has gone out of our relationship and we are like brother and sister. I know he loves me and he is very good to me, and I am sure he has not or is not having an affair. His escape is workahollism and I am positive he goes to work and is not out partying. I have caught him reading some girlie magazines a few times and it upset me. I ask him why he has no more desire for me sexually and he can’t answer that question. I keep myself attractive and well read so I’m not boring to him. Could the answer be that we know each other too well? Although I sometimes fantasize a new romantic relationship, I wouldn’t cheat on him and I doubt I’ll leave my marriage at this point. I love him and he loves me, or does he?

There seems to be two tragedies in human life: one is not married; the other is married.

Reading these comments points out for me how complicated relationships are. They are supposed to be about learning about ourselves. I was married to a chemically dependent person (alcohol) for 30 years. When I examine the patterns in my life (I’m 78 years old and single for the past 29 years), I realize that I attract dependent people. My style is to fix people, which I’ve learned cannot be done. There are times when I resent the years with the problem drinker, but I chose to stay until through a 12-step program I realized that I was being destroyed by this relationship. It’s about cost/benefit. Is this relationship costing ME more than the benefits? It may sound selfish, but the focus must be on ourselves. What is my part in making this work or not work? Sometimes the only answer is to leave the relationship. My prayers are with all of the writers — that you will find a way to be happy. It is possible to come out of abject misery into joy if one is willing to do the work. I did.

I recently was married for the first time. I am 45 years old and waited for the right man my whole life. I was in a relationship for the past 12 years. I did not marry that man. I married a man that I has known for 10 years. Known only as a business contact. My previous man wanted sex all the time. My new husband whom I felt that I had waited for my whole life seems to not even be interested in sex. WOW
never met a man in my whole life that was not interested. He is only 43. Seems to be interested in pleassing me,but not himself. I have been married for 4 months with no sex other than oral. Was I wrong to not have had sex before marriage. He indeed is a wonderful man. I did ask him if there were any medical problems, he assured me that the doctor said he was fine. My husband was married for twenty years and his wife passed away, two years ago. He stated that he had not had sex in ten years. Is there any hope? Gone from every day to never? It makes me feel undesirable? Not sure? Was it a mistake not to try on the shoes before purchasing? Was it a mistake thinking sex is not that important. It seems when it is there in your face always you don’t want it, but once it is taken away that’s all you think of. Life is really strange. Watch out for what you wish for.

You used the phrase “debunks the assumption that good sex follows intimacy”, yet I believe that that assumption is exactly correct, and my life, at least has bourne it out. I am a 51 year old man, married for almost 27 years, with 4 (nearly) adult children. My wife and I have sex twice a week on the average, I think (I don’t track it), but it is sometimes more, sometimes less. It is less often than it used to be, because I’m not as young as I was – but it is still great; we talk about how we feel about what we do together, what we like, what we don’t (she’s a little more open than me, but I try). We don’t do everything together, but that’s just a consequence of life. I’d rather have her with me than anything else. We talk together easily, about anything, sometimes for hours. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me, and the better I know her, the richer my life is.

Marty it is nice to know that men like you are in the world. Your comment gave me chill bumps. I would like to believe that the longer I know my husband the more I will love him. The more time we spend together is really a good thing. I was worried about spending all my time with him, making the relationship boring,but with your comment I am no longer worried. He is also the best thing that has ever happen to me. I have only been married for a few months,I truely hope that in 26 years I feel as you do. Thanks for the inspiration.

I am 64 and a widow for 6 months now. If it was possible I would be a virgin! Have not have sex since 1970s. I always loved sex. He loved sex more with his Playboys and later the internet. I handled it by turning him into a friend. Did this by using the things he found undesireable in a female. He would never have understood the problems. There were other things ofcourse.
We had 2 daughters and most people thought we were extremly close. Never did you see one without the other. When he died I had many mixed emotions. But sex for me is still and individual experience.
In the 1950s when I was a teen, nice girls did not talk about this stuff-the guy was supposed to “know”. Never got out of that habbit.
Learn from this.

I am a 30 year old single mother of two daughters ages 10 and 14. They are a handful asit is let alone trying to live the single life, I guess. I just recently have decided that being in love with my well don’t really know how to descibe what this man is to me now. We meet at a bar and I knew just from that is was going to be a diaster, but it was just the opposite. We spent everyday and night with one another, which was very different for me, I am used to my indepence and time alone. But I was so comfotable with him that it din’t matter. I think I lost myself in this man. The first three months were beautiful, or so I convienced myself. Out the blew one after noon I received a phone call form a woman . She asked me who I was and me being defensive I said you called me who are you. I finally told her I was and I dropped the phone when she said well ” I am his Wife”. I could’nt even breathe. That isn’t the worst part I have been involved in this drama with him and his wife for almost a year now. They have a two year daughter and he tells me he stays because of his child. But now that we have been spendig less and less time together I am beginning to get stronger in not allowing this to continue. I had a friend of mine ask me if he decides to get divorced would you still want him to marry you, and the truth is no. So I have wasted enough time with him, even though I am in love with him and we have a chemistry that is undeniable. I have to let go .

Way back 45 years ago when we were first wed she participated as a duty of reluctance. She wanted nothing to do with any hint of foreplay. Then it was the “3 Gets” Get it in, Get it out and Get over it.” Then she came to the conclusion that I was just too big to keep from making it painful. The last time was almost 28 years ago.

Sue, I agree with you that the man should have worked it out, and not turn off the relationship like a faucet. I also believe that you are correct to move out, since he did not feel it was his job as a host to make you feel comfortable at his house.
I had a similar experience with a man who effectually walked away from me. He used to live temporarily in a Frat house, where he rents a single bedroom and shares communal bathrooms. He took me there for a night to stay over, and did not make provisions for me to be comfortable by not giving me a towel (luckily I had my own), and not directing me about the best bathroom to use (as the one I used had an overflowing face basin). I also tripped in the bathroom and almost fell because of water (I do not know where it came from) on the floor). He bed had grains on it (dirt probably), and nothing felt right. I was not used this sort of setting, and I never shared communal bathrooms with strangers. The whole thing made me nauseous.
We had resumed a relationship, after his previous girlfriend (which I only found out about when she called me) had trashed his place and dumped him. Because my bed at my apartment are two singles joined haphazardly together by him and not comfortable for both of us, he thought that he would make wonderful love with me on his double bed….but it was dirty. I slept with my clothes on that night, because I could not bear to have him touch me, especially with him walking bear-footed in the public passageway (where all other tenants walk in there shoes coming off the street) and jumping into bed beside me. He figured something was wrong when I slept with my cloths on. However, I told him that the bed was dirty, and he did not respond. He was hopping mad the next morning because he did not get his sex during the night, and left without seeing to it that I as his guest was taken care of.
Tis man was still seeing his same old girlfriend at the same time, when he was demanding these and other major sacrifices from me. He had been trying to get her back, despite the horrid things she did to him. He family and friends did not like her, yet he continued to stay with me and used me, while trying to regain this woman attention. When I found out about his deception, it was took late. He already hurt me badly enough, as I already fell deeply love for him. When he won the old girlfriend back, and started treating me like dirt. The whole situation got me physically sick. He has since moved into the girlfriend house (well he had no where else to go, so who knows he may also be using her to get what he wants) even though she had previously threatened him.
I blame myself however, because despite his pitiful display of needs and urging, I should not have taken him back. He has since dismissed me from his life like I am nothing, which devastated me at first, but which I am now happy about, because that man was not good for me anyway. His old girlfriend once called him gargage, and I can now see what she means….he is Trash. Not good for anyone. His deceptions are brutal…and he does not care who he hurts, as long as he has his way.
Funny how I stayed with him and tried to make it work, when even his sex was more painful than pleasureful…that is to show how selfish he was. Sorry, I seem to be venting again…
So Jennifer, you also did the right thing. When someone is not good for you, sometimes you have to let them go. Don’t want until they the unworthly men dump you…causing severe pains. I believe women are happier alone if they cannot find a good man…not bad men that we try to make things work with because our hearts go out to their problematic lives.
Cheers to Marty, who seem to be a good man….making his marriage work and also enjoyable.

I have learned each person must have his/her own space. I encourage my boyfriend to do “his” things and he encourages me to do “my” things. We also have time that we do things together. Each day I find myself loving this wonderful man even more than I did the day before. We do communicate, we touch/cuddle and the sex is hotter than hot. I believe our sex life is as great as it is, because we both put the other’s pleasure before our own. We took the time to get to know what the other likes and dislikes. We also talk about the things we would like to try in the future all areas of our lives not just sex. This man has given me more love and support in the past 2 years than I could have ever imagined coming my way in a whole lifetime. I also make sure I give him all the love and support that I am capable of giving, I don’t hold anything back. Scary? heck yes, worth the risk? Absolutely YES.
The bottom line is: Our lives are enriched beyond belief when we can put others (the ones we love) before our own happiness, pleasure, and wants). And with sex, if the participants are having really fun, the sex should be great.

Sex without intimacy is just that..sex. I have had sex all my life, anytime I wanted to with whomever I wanted to. Ok, sometimes it’s good to be a gal but then we have to deal with our inner demon (PMS) so I guess that evens it out. I am currently with a man who was married for a long time and fell into that “wife not wanting it” thing, cheated and ended up with me. What men don’t understand, is that if a woman did, and now doesn’t want to have sex with you, THERE IS A PROBLEM!! You may even consider…ok, I know this sounds scary..TALKING ABOUT IT. FYI talking does not include shaming, yelling or belittling. Sex is great but making love is the better than chocolate martinis on the worlds best beach. You are never one person, you are two people wanting an amazing and fullfilling life. Do not be so scared to get “too” close. There is no such thing when you are two seperate human beings. Better a heart broken than one never felt. Live a life less ordinary…

The bottom of strong relationship is trust…but how to keep the fire of erotic feelings as years go by becomes an insormountable issue worthy of discussion…diagnostics and intervention are vital issues to look into. How to keep the fire…just go back to the basic…the first time you met…talk flirted…and do the intimate things.

Because I’ve been to two funerals of very young adults this week…I would like to say that safe sex is always being conscious of each other’s sexual backgrounds, and or, wearing protection…sex is killing some very young and talented people…be safe!

I am just wondering how a person can have so much chemistry with another and the relationship is so bad . Its like the holding hands walking in the park, one of my favorite things to do. Just riding on his back like two big kids, the laughter, the putting my legs and feet on him as he caresses them, just the very initament moments that I will cherish and miss dearly. My question is does all of this out way the heartache and pain and lies and not being able to trust this man not now and probably never again. I think this is the hardest going through deception and weening yourself away from a destructive relationship. Even though I was very open and let my heart be able to be loved and love once again, there is always the either it is or it isnt going to last. My last three relationships I been involved with have gotten just alittle worse instead of better. I guess I only have myself to blame, because I should’ve learned from my mistakes and took more time out for myself. I think I will now take this time and focus on healing me before I step foot into something serious again.

What happens when in the midst of our individual space the mystery we find is infidelity, disease, deceit, etc. Granted everyones experiences differ and the level of an individuals moral code, and conscience vary. There are no guarantees in life. Though it may be true that in a marriage or relationship there needs to be some seperateness, but that depends on the individual that you are dealing with. In my case (and it is unfortunate) I have a husband that is an alcoholic. If we had this type of separateness it could actually be detrimental to me. I can not treat my husband as if he is the type of person who when left to his own devices would choose to set certain boundaries for himself so as not to jeopardize his marriage or either of our health. Once he becomes intoxicated to a certain point not only is he easy to take advantage of but the boundaries he might have sober are null and void.
Yes, the logical and easy way out would be to leave him, but as we all know life is not so text book. Besides my conviction to honor my vows, there are a variety of other issues at hand. Everybody has baggage, and everyone has a story. Ultimately we choose. I would love nothing more than to have our nights out with friends and know that I would not pay some price in the end for having that separatness. We do not live in a very safe world and trust is not blind faith. Trust is negative or positive. Trust is what we know a person will do good or bad. It is up to the individual to determine what type of trust they warrent from their spouse. And as far as blind faith I reserve that to God and God alone.

how do you get to be entusiastic about the same mundane sex? this article leans to women being the bore in the bedroom, but in my house its my husband. He has changed, age and weight are major culprits. He refuses to go to the doctor to for ED consultation or even a physical, but he expects me to excited about our sexlife. we can change scenarios, role play or even fantasize but in the end the results are still the same. Ten minutes have passed he satisfied,sleepand snoring and im frustrated lying on my side with my back to him.

While I was married for some 16 yrs, I have since found that it helps to have good communications with my partner of choice. It was very hard for me to do so when I didn’t truly understand the concepts of feelings aside from happy & angry. From all the programs I have attended since then, I learned the right and wrong way to use such ideas. Now to my question… I would like to know why a couple has problems with sex, she feels frustration, anger and contempt; meanwhile he feels inadequacy in bed for not having pleased/satisfied her but can’t show her in a way to let her know that he is hurting too? Along with the increased understanding of the language, I am learning that no matter how old a couple gets, if they are or want to maintain good sexual activity, it goes back to good communication. I am finally “in love” with this lady but even with that I am having trouble getting her to reach peak at the same time I get there. Any suggestions on how to increase our relations to the point of mutual satisfaction in the sex bed?
Thanks Mike

Safe sex is a myth? Not if you do it right.
Where is Jocelyn Elders when we need her?
Mutural masturbation is a great way to “have sex” safely

I am in a relationship with a man that is 17 years older than I am. I love him very much but things aren’t going to good between us.
First off, I was raped when I was about 16 or 17 years old and it comes back to me when I go to have intercourse with my Boyfriend. We have fights (arguements) about this and I don’t want this to continue, the fighting etc… I want to get along with him and be able to have intercourse with him.
Could you please help me with this situation?
I sure hope so. Please get back with me as soon as you can about this alright?
Thank you
Jana ornery2762@yahoo.com

This comment is for Michael (7/15). I think you are great for going to programs re: your emotions and working on yourself. As far as you and your partner go, I think too many people try to “reach a peak” at the same time when that is often too difficult. If you ‘satisfy’ the woman first, our excitement usually stays with us as we can then enjoy your excitement. Often you can then peak together as we often have the capacity for more excitement. Does that make sense?
Best to you.

I am married to a man who is 18 years older than I. We have been together 5 1/2 years and in those years we have been through some difficult personal and financial problems together. On top of that, my husband injured his back two years ago and has had two back fusion surgeries in his lower back. Due to his surgeries, my husband can no longer perform the way he used to in bed. His mobility is limited and he suffers from chronic pain. All of this has had huge impact on our sex life.
We have learned through it all that communication and willingness to experiment and try new things in the bedroom has brought us closer together as a couple and has kept our sex life red hot! In fact, I’d say our sex life is better now than it was in the beginning!

UNFORTUNATELY VIAGRA, CIALIS AND LEVITRA I FEEL THEY MADE IT FOR THESE PEOPLE WHO ALL THEY THINK ABOUT IS SEX AND CHRIST IS NOT IN THIER LIVES . LISTEN CHRIST WANTS US TO THINK AND ENJOY OUR LIVES BUT WE SHOULD ALWAYS GIVE HIM TOP PRIORITY CAUSE WITHOUT CHRIST WE ARE JUST LIKE THOSE UNBELIEVERS YOUR ON YOUR WAY TO GEHENNA AND THERE IS NO GETTING AROUND THAT UNLESS WE ARE SAVED AND HAVE A LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR DIVINE HEAVENLY FATHER WITHOUT CHRIST ITS HELL BABY, A LITTLE TID BIT FOR PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE JESUS IN THIER EVERY DAY LIVES . ITS LIKE A BUGGY AND THE HORSE YOU NEED THE HORSE TO PULL THE BUGGY ,WELL THATS THE WAY JESUS WANTS HE WANTS US TO SURRENDER EVERYTHING TO HIM AND LEAVE THE RESULTS TO HIM AMEN AND AMEN P.S. THERE ISNT NOTHING WRONG WITH SEX ITS JUST THERE IS GOOD WAYS AND TOTALLY WRONG WAYS TO HAVE LOVE ;ONE THING FOR SURE BE SURE CHRIST IST IN IT AND HE IS THE CENTER OF OUR LIVES. THAT IS ONE WAY WE TRULY CAN BE BLESSED,AND HAPPY FOR.

“And the two shall become one.” I think this concept destroyed my marriage. It might hurt other relationships as well. But it is something I have always heard growing up in the church. When I was married I lost my identity by becoming Mrs. The fusion was too much for me and because I didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late the relationship ended. Maintaining the otherness in the relationship is an admirable goal. I think this will solve many problems for some relationships but create problems in other relationships. It depends on the two individuals in the relationship. Some people like to be so connected and intertwined; that provides them with security, while others feel choked, smothered in a lack of separateness. It all depends. . .
Enjoyed your point of view, PJ

I’m 41 years old and my husband is 68, and we have been married 17 years. The last seven years, my husband has been unable to have sex like we use to, but he still wants to try. I would love too but not if I don’t get anything out of it There’s is no anything, just the sex part no foreplay no excitement. I blame myself for this. I think I want too much.

“Eroticism resides in the ambiguous space between anxiety and fascination,” Peres writes.
I had to read that a few times, but I get it. The most fulfilling sexual relationship I have ever had (which I am still enjoying) is a never ending exploration not only of his “otherness” but of my own inner world which has been opened up – not only as a function of the sexual relationship – but because of other work I am doing. This separateness I am cultivating was never in question in this relationship, as he has a very strong sense of self himself which leaves me no choice but to continue to develop my own .(after having made the “mistake” of fusing with other men in my life – a recipe for disaster if there ever was one). After three years, our sex life is as exciting and awe inspiring as it was the very first time we were together. i desire him more than ever, even more so now that I feel like I can ask him for anything and know that he wants to please me. Of course, it goes both ways. My point is that I understand completely that “fusion” in a couple creates deadness. If as it says in the article, you have no bridge to cross in order to visit another internal world, then you are stagnant.
That covers fascination, now for the anxiety? That too. Will this last? He is older than I am, will he get older and his desire for me die? Will I still be as desirable as I get older? Issues like these I prefer not to think about.

A womans view: After a 2-year marriage that ended when I was 20 and a 23-year marriage that ended when I was 44, I do have some educated opinions on these matters that I would like to share. The first one is that the barometer in the bedroom is either directly or indirectly linked to what’s going on outside of the bedroom. It’s hard to have a good relationship and have lousy sex. I wholly understand there are other problems with sex such as impotence, or as I have personally seen, semi-impotence. This is a two-fold problem for women. First, they are obviously not satisfied. Second, it makes them feel sexually undesirable. I’m not saying that it is true, but that it makes them feel that way. The man is having his own painful feelings of inadequacy, I am sure. But unless he explains his pain to her, how will she know and be sympathetic? She is just angry because she is frustrated and doesn’t see why he can’t be like other men and want sex. I mean that is what we women hear from other women all the time, that their boyfriend or husband wants sex all the time. So then we wonder, well what’s wrong with me, then? And we answer ourselves and say, “there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s him.” And the cycle of anger continues. The only path to a solution is COMMUNICATION and a good relationship outside of the bedroom, which both must work hard at.
Okay, and here’s another one guys. Sometimes you don’t get what you want because we do not like your approach. It’s that simple. You need to approach her the way she wants to be approached, not how you want to approach her. If you know her well, you should how she likes to be approached and what would turn her off. Sex is about giving. So, if you want to keep being turned down, keep doing something that doesn’t work. This is just an example: Most women do not like being grabbed or poked on to let them know you want their attention. Enough said.
As for the sexual boredom that comes from doing time in a relationship, well familiar things are comfortable—but not exciting. Each couple has to find a way to keep an element of mystery in the relationship, individually and as a couple. Predictability is good in many ways in a relationship. We want to know that our other half is going to be home at 6 or 6:30 every night. That gives us comfort and security. But some things need to be unpredictable, like sex. Find a way to add some excitement, maybe a little risk, to sex. Ever had sex in a risky place? OMG, you might get caught!
And another point I’d like to make, we women KNOW you guys want us to look nice for you. You want to be seen with a woman that other men find attractive and desirable. Guess what? You need to look nice for us too. It’s a two-way street. Men who let themselves go are no more attractive than women who let themselves go.
The bottom line, in my opinion, is COMMITMENT, RESPECT, AND COMMUNICATION. If you have these three things working properly in your relationship, you will have a strong foundation to build on and work from when problems arise, as they invariably will. Each person has to decide for themselves if the work is worth the rewards. It comes down to, what makes us love another person? Do you know the answer? We choose who we love by the way they make us feel. I wish everyone out there lots of love….Thanks for reading.

I am a 19 year old female i have a 8 month old son and my boyfriend is 18 after i had my son i am not much into sex anymore.. i dont know what to do is this something im doin wrong HELP!!!

My b/f and I was going to get married.I know he is not cheating,but when he looks at women on these porns sites and other places,but we have no sex life at all,it makes me feel like he is cheating.We used to have sex so much I needed a break,now we never do,3 or 4 times in the past year.I am at the age,34,where I feel like I shouls be having all kind of new experiences.He blames it on me gaining weight,I have,and been trying to take it off,but I am so down and depressed it is hard to do.Does anyone have any ideas?

Hello,
I share the same dielmma as above, my wife doesn’t understand the idea of spontanious sex, different places ..etc. Every night it’s the same old Predictability… sex in the bedroom at night, forget anytime in the day. Seems she can’t relate Sex being fun and interesting to Loving her, playfulness isn’t Love..just plain Sex, Love talk to the point of Eroticness, is Not Loving. Keeping a relationship interesting and fun is the spice that men want and need, otherwise we wouldn’t need outside intimacy. She also complains that I want sex all if not most of the time, I tell her at least I don’t have an erectile function problem…no drugs here. So then I wonder, well what’s wrong with me, then?
How do you get the point across that keeping a relationship interesting and fun? I’ve tried suggesting books for us to read, I even have a101 night of sex ,and 101 nights of Romance, these books are coupon books to give eachother to surprise and make Sex..loving fun .
Suggest a counsulor…that creates a war..
any suggestions?

Hi Moon shell!
Just tell your boyfriend (or is he a friend with benefits?) WEll it doesn’t sound like he is taking any benifits. So he is JUST a friend now? That the BEST way to lose weight for YOU is the EXERCISE of sex -”WITH YOU” (don’t forget to say that) NOW How MUCH CLOSER? & TALK ABOUT TOGETHERNESS ) Just remember to use protection or there might be more weight added to you -but in 9 months it WOULD be gone & you would have more diverted interests than sex.BUT he might be gone too:( Good luck !

Hi Brittany,
That is not an uncommon feeling for a woman after the birth of a child. Your unconsious mind is in fear of getting pregant AGAIN! So if you start takeing Birthcontrol pills or use other methods to protect “YOURSELVE” against pregancy I won’t be surprised if your sexual feelings return soon after.Good luck!Cherabe

This author’s saying that sex is only good if people basically hold something back and therefore remain mysterious to each other. But the real beauty of sex is that you hold nothing back and open yourself up to the life-giving nature of sex. When sex is divorced entirely from pro-creation –i.e. by using contraception — then there really is nothing interesting about sex. The risk, the vulnerability in many ways is related to the possibility of creating new life. Take that possibility away or seal it off entirely via contraception, and you will have boring sex eventually. God put risk and vulnerability into sex to make it interesting, so there is no need to create artificial distance in order to create artificial intimacy. Contraception destroys what sex is really about, and robs it of its true thunder. Google Janet Smith’s CD entitled “Contraception Why Not?” if you really want to understand the mystery that is already embedded in sex. And by the way, people who don’t use contraception don’t have to have 10 kids, or even more than two. But they do have to implement something called Natural FAmily Planning. NFP is a modern non-contraceptive way to work with the female body according to the way it was designed, rather than making it into a toy for a man whenever he feels like having (boring) sex. This is written by a man by the way.

Foy anyone interested in a more complete analysis of the fusion/autonomy dilemma, check out the book “Passionate Marriage”.

Dear Written by a man,
Difinitely CAN TELL that is a man’s point of view ,about contraseptives!! MEN do not have to WORRY about carrying a baby & going thru the morning sickness ect ect ect & THAN the BIG DAY –giving Birth!(there would be fewer out of wedlock babies -if Men would have to go thru the same Physical changes of carry & delivering ) -IT IS NOT THE SAME as MENTALLY going thru it with your girlfriend or wive!!
Seeing Brittany is young & her “boyfriend” 18 . Neither is that old . She is VERY tied down having a nearly 2 yr old toddler to look after / get up with during the night -wee hrs of the morning~be expected to go to her job /than return to that loveing little rascale once again.Do housework /shopping /make meals! Lets face it MOTHERHOOD wares a person out. If this 18 yr old MANFRIENd is doing nothing to help her -she might be using withdrawal of sex as a punishment-she might feel like he is only using her “as a friend with benefits” -SHe might be VERY angry at him -for being put into the sistuation she is in . Mind you -She probably DOES love that little 18 month old baby very much –but does NOT like her LIFE right now. Cherabe

Read the Song of Solomon. It is cure for many sexual inhibitions and ills in the marriage life!

I read with great interest all of the comments. One area not covered in the “professional” comments was when there is any kind of abuse in the marriage. My husband is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive towards me, our pets, neighbors, people in cars, etc. It does not matter what kind of abuse it is, for it creates serious problems and alienates a couple. I went into counseling to help ME; he refused counseling. After 22 years of intense sadness and pain for me, I feel it’s imperative to my health to find a safe haven and begin a new life. I have too many hopes, dreams, goals, plans and desires to continue living such a dysfunctional, and potentially dangerous life with someone who seriously needs help for his inner demons, to hopefully allow him to realize why he behaves the way he does. Even though we have experienced different highs and lows of intimacy over the years, abuse really does damage a relationship in more ways than I can say here.

It is not necessary to be at risk of pregnancy to maintain sexual desire in a relationship. The secret is to always treat each other like lovers, rather than spouses or as your childrens’ parents.
Wear sexy undies for him. Dress nicely for her. Be careful of your groomimg and hygiene. Don’t get fat!
Go out to play! i.e go and make love in the woods or in the car , or in the sand dunes.Vary your positions. Use sex toys. Watch porn.
Give compliments. Revel in your sexuality, and enjoy it without inhibitions.
My man and I are over sixty years old, and still enjoy a great sex life.

To the 60 year advocate of porn and whomever wants me (as a man) to recognize the difficulty of going through a pregnancy: Both of you fundamentally misunderstand the main point. The point is not that you have to be “at risk” of pregnancy to enjoy intimacy (ironically contraceptives are “riskier” than NFP). The point is that great sex that lasts and transcends old age is with a spouse (not a boyfriend/girlfriend) who is fundamentally open to having children with you. That is a big risk for a man too who must committ to financially supporting and raising a family, while it is also a huge risk for a woman who sacrifices her body in a noble way. But the point is — sex is both for unity and procreation. If you want to obliterate one of those things, it messes up the way sex was designed, and you will be unhappy in the end.
Love-making naturally leads to the fruit of love, which is new life – children. If through contraception you mechanically seal off the possibility of new life, deep down in your soul you know that your partner is selfish, and that you too are selfish, and you want sex more for your pleasure, or even your mutual pleasures, which means you are in the end using each other more than loving each other. It’s possible that “use of another” and “love of another” are blended together in many relatioships. The sad thing is that people do not believe in true love but are conditioned to think that people must use each other. Sex that is disordered in this way will ultimately self-destruct and is not sustainable and will leave people lonely and miserable. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Sex without contraceptives and “toys” and porn is beautiful and real and fulfilling well into old age. Read The Good News about Sex and Marriage by Christopher West. Easy to read. If you care so much about sex, read the truth about it.

I fell into a trap with a woman who used her sex to get me into an affair. I always felt she was just an employee until she brushed her breasts against me. Being unhappy and trapped in my 39 year old marriage I went after a dream of happiness with a great deal of sex which I desired. We had a great affair until it got serious and then my wife found out. She suffered and died, I think from a broken heart not from her brain cancer. Now we are married and before the affair ended it went downhill. No nudity in the light, making love to her and maybe once a week. If had to do it over again, I would not. Or i would have divorced and had a normal realtionship with a strong base for marriage. For those of you out here thinking grass will be greener, BEWARE!

First off…If we look at sex purely as duty and procreation…we have just limited our relationship with our spouse/or partner…secondly, we are not factories or robots, procreation should not be obligitory, but a cumulation of love between two people,…anyone who can advocate toys, porn , positions,role play, and other adventures..whether they are tweny or sixty… must really be doing something right…it means…if this passage is read for what it is, than it means there is enough independence between two people who love each other to want to know more, no matter how long they’re together. And anyone throwing the baby gambit totally does not understand what is being said here, If you marry or cohabitate together, there is a intimacy there already, what do you need to worry about having a child if this is the person you have come to trust already?
Now the matter changes when one finally sees an abusive pattern. I would do everything in my power to protect myself there, because sometimes we don’t see things until it’s too late, and the trust gives way too fear…then worry…
This is about trust…I don’t recommend doing alot of things unless the relationship has foundation already…this is should not be done if you have no other base to your relationship…

what i want to say here is that i have learned that having a afair with some one after married 24 years does not help you make the correct decision about your marriage. most of the time you end up with some one else after your divorced. i did learn a lot from this and wish i would have did more to save my marriage now. i always said i wanted a woman that would love me the way i wanted to be loved and have that sex drive that i had with my first love. well i never thought i would fall in love with a woman at age 53 like my self because i thought she would not be there for me sexualy. i have found one that yes at 52 that gives me all the things i wanted just like at 20 years old. for those that say sex is not everything it does mean a lot more then we think. i have learned a lot from what has happen and now at 52 i have everything i ever ask for and more.

Wow it is surprising to hear all of this sex talk, yet refreshing. What makes a good marriage go bad? What makes it loose it’s luster, it’s excitement or zesty kick? Is it sex? Is that the answer to the million dollar question? If sex is so important then what happens when a spouse gets in an accident and is horribly hurt or paralyzed or whatever, what then? What happens when a person looses the urge to have sex all the time, is that really the beginning of the end?
Honestly, I think great sex is highly over rated! Do you want a partner that is overweight, unhealthy or impotent… Probably not, but we are talking about marriage not kid boyfriend or girlfriend. Forever is a long time to live and much can happen to us in that time frame. A good marriage has to be built on more than how frequent the two people get jiggy. People who are great sex partners don’t necessarily make wonderful husbands or wives. It is reminiscent to the relationship between having the ability to have children or having the strength of character to be a father or mother and raising a family.
Great sex is overrated I think. It takes that special something within each and every one of us to live up to being someones husband or wife. A husband and a wife make a commitment to each other one that if taken likely wont last. The success of a marriage does not hinge on the sweat and heat of sexual encounters, but on the strength of love and devotion to not only the husband or the wife, but to the idea of their commitment and the strength of their bond.
It may not be a truth that is as dramatic as a sexual revolution based on risk or doing “IT” in the outdoors or whatever. It may or may not sell books but the truth is if two people like being around one another, if they enjoy each others company and they are willing to work out differences and conflicts that arise in life, their relationship will be stronger. If they listen to one another and are like a student in what makes each other happy, then they will grow as a couple. Watching porn wont necessarily do it, but taking a genuine interest in what each other likes and are interested in may just do the trick! The number one thing couples should look out for and avoid is “selfishness”! A married couple should live for each other and their children and to do that takes devotion, compassion and understanding and… Compromise!!! Please give me your comments at luciferlambew @ yah thanks everyone.. Its just my opinion.

The comments that I have read thus far have left out what I believe is the most important ingredient for a happy and lasting marriage. I will say that Mr. Lambew came closest to it than any of the others. It deals with commitment to one’s mate and the vow that was made at the wedding ceremony to that person. Personally, I was 27 years old when I got married and my wife almost 24. We were a bit more mature than a 19 or 20 year old, which made the commitment to what we were getting into more understandable. Our relationship was not built on sexual pleasure, for we were both virgins when we married. Our relationship was built upon the principles set down in the #1 best seller of all time, the Bible. The principle of being joined together (glued) was something that we discussed in great detail before we made those vows. We have been married for 28 years and have been a happy couple for at least 27 & 1/2. I have not always been able to have sex with her when I wanted it, and the same is true with her. We enjoy it greatly when we do have it because we have it when both of us are ready for it. When I don’t get it at a time when I really need it, I don’t turn to porn or any other device. I have conditioned myself to wait until she is ready. In the meantime, I continue to treat her as a queen, to love, honor and cherish her. She, in turn, responds back in a manner that allows me to massage and caress her, and let her know that I love her no matter what. Fortunately for us, because of our work hours, we have time in the morning and it the evening to be intimate with each other, so when the beautiful or handsome coworker approaches in a manner that might be misconstrued, we think of each other and the fun we have with each other, and are able to let that outsider know in no uncertain terms that we are commited to our spouse. This, I believe, has been our recipe for keeping a lasting marriage. As far as this main issue of having “Safe Sex”, I believe that if people would wait for marriage to have sex, and stick with that person for a lifetime, that all sexually transmitted diseases would disappear from this earth. Out of wedlock pregnancies would definately disappear. Society would be strengthened and the “Porn” industry would go bankrupt. I guess I really am a dinasaur.

It is so refereshing to hear a real man speak of fidelity and love as one in the same there are to many people out there that think just because it is offered to you that it must be the right thing to do i would some day like to find the same thing you have with your wife. congratulations to both of you, may u have many more years together.

l so much enjoy your advice and the way you treat issues with maturity.
infact alot of marriages collapse due to lack of understanding,am intending settling down very soon and such message on how to deal with issue of sex so that, i will be able to enjoy marital life to the fulliest. thanks very much

when you reach a certain age sex does not ring the bells it rung in youngr years i lost my virginity late [29] i had saved it for a special guy buy yhen i realized that there was no special guy for me so i gave in, had a beautiful baby that the father disowned later at 46 i married an older guy things were ok for a while then it was a mess all time so as far as sex i can live without it i bn hurt 2 times & at 61 do not feel like being hurt again

It all boils down to one ingredient – love and respect for one another. Forget the porn movies – those people are, unfortunately, a sick example of disturbed people who have no sense of self. Nothing is perfect – we are not in this world for perfection, as hard as we may try. Again, love and respect one another, happiness will follow! Lee

I really enjoyed this article. However theres something it did not answer for me. My partner is consumed by work and hates his work and lets that consume him all the time. He never wants sex or seems to get excited when i bring it up. Its so odd to me cause i have never had this proublem.

there are a few people who would say that sex with your spouse is getting sweeter and more exciting when the time goes over longer period of time. but you did believe! i must say that i agree, because it isn’t the porno movies, the sexy ladies etc. that you see or watch around that should ring your bells, but your love is very important to have a feeling that you are being “touched” because of it.

I somewhat agree with what you said, however, I have had the “merge” with my husband and our sex was still awesome. We continued to “merge.” This was of a Spiritual nature. I don’t know what kind of “merge” you are referring to, but this is what I’m talking about.
I believe you’re inuindo is of a coming into “one person” type “merge.” We have not done this. We are definitely two separate people. However, our Spirits have become one during sexual intercourse. It was absolutely mind blowing. You can’t put words to what that experience is like. It has occured several times, but once upon consumation that was the most intense.
This experience is something you want to achieve over and over again.
That’s all I have.

It seems to me that you are condoning extra-martial sexual relationships. You do not take into consideration morality , conscience nor God. You might consider that there is no sex in Hell.

It seems to me that you are condoning extra-martial sexual relationships. You do not take into consideration morality , conscience nor God. You might consider that there is no sex in Hell.

Cool post.

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