Sometimes voicing my frustrations, as I did in my letters to my guardian angels, results in a beautiful ending: a deeper friendship and better communication.
After my letters, both angels expressed their love for me, and apologized for any hurt I felt.
But that’s not always how it goes when you speak up.
A few days before getting miffed at my heavenly helpers, I tried to mend a rift with a family member.
I sent her an incredibly personal piece that I wrote about when I sank into my depression (suicidal thoughts and all), and the first moments of dawn.
Her response was one word: "Thanks."
I felt like Princess Leia in "Star Wars" when she cries out to Han Solo (before he leaves for some empire war): "I love you!" And he says back, "I know!"
But part of my disappointment was my own fault.
I sent the piece to her with an agenda. This is what I wanted to hear: "You’ve been through a lot. I’m so happy you’ve come through to the other side."
And when I didn’t get that, I was upset. I assumed she "got it"--the whole depression thing. I see now that this involves two mistakes (actually just one really big one): an assumption. ALL assumptions are termites in a relationship, and ESPECIALLY with regard to depression. Most people just don’t get it. Period. And I should stop expecting them to.
My mom keeps teaching me that lesson. Over and over again. I just now hung up the phone with her. Her last words: "People don’t get it. Remember that. And you’ll be less disappointed."
I was venting to her just like I did the afternoon, fresh out of the psych ward, when my friend Liz told me that she thought antidepressants suppressed a person’s emotions, insinuating that I’d do well to pitch the happy pills and tough it out like the rest of humanity.
"No one understands, Mom. You and Eric. That’s it. And a few friends. Everyone else thinks I’m weak for joining the droves of Americans on Prozac."
"Who cares?" she asked. "Why do you need their approval?"
"Because I’m not weak and it’s unfair to be labeled that way," I explained.
"I don’t think you’re weak. Eric doesn’t. And you have several friends who believe in you. If you don’t want to be constantly frustrated I suggest you lower your expectations. Assume that people won’t understand, and you’ll be less disappointed when they don’t."
Just as seasoned parents say "Just you wait!" to the pregnant lady in front of them at the checkout line, a person can’t begin to appreciate the harrowing darkness of depression unless she’s been there.
William Styron wrote his memoir, "Darkness Visible," as a response to the public’s reaction to the suicide of Primo Levi, the Italian-Jewish writer and chemist who had survived the Holocaust. The scholars who admired Levi wondered how he could have endured years of torture by the Nazis yet break under depression.
"The pain of severe depression is quite unimaginable to those who have not suffered it," Styron wrote. "To the tragic legion who are compelled to destroy themselves there should be no more reproof attached than to the victims of terminal cancer."
Like Styron, I was both enraged and saddened that friends and family were shocked to hear that two doctors sliced me open--before full anesthesia kicked in--to save little David’s life in an emergency C-section. Yet when I voiced the desperation of depression--which made the knife cut feel like a knee scratch--they often brushed it off, as if I were whining to win some undeserved sympathy votes.
But I should know better. Most people don’t get it. And the day I get that through my head I’ll be less disappointed.
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More power to all of us for admitting we have a problem. Those that do not get it are in complete denial of their own issues. Admitting our imperfections are what makes us stronger. Keep the faith, talk about your feelings to those that do listen and care. Those that don't get it, are the weak ones...afraid of their own imperfections. denial.
I have 3 children - i have struggles with depression for quite some time now and was impacted with post-pardem with my last child. I felt alone until i started to speak up and came to realize so many woman suffer from depression and PPD....they too were afraid to speak of from fear of those not understanding or not getting it. I found out the more you speak up, the more you learn about true friends and you truly start to notice those that truly love and care for you. Those are the love ones that make you stronger.
I've also learned that noone has the perfect family, perfect marriage or perfect job. We all give up sacrifices for more than not to prove to those that don't get it that we are not imperfect. Accept your faults with pride, by doing so you can't get more perfect than that. Its how we handle it, and denial is the demon.
MICHELLE - Any community clinic will help you! PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR SON. Don't give him the kind of world we are all suffering from. LET HIM BE YOUR STRENGHT.
Now there is lots of Docs that are on a sliding scale and will even help you for free. PLEASE PLEASE READ THESE POSTS.
Even if you call 911 they will send someone over to speak with you for free. Please don't give up.
Depression has haunted me from early childhood, when as I recall I tried and failed to smother myself in my pillow. I think I was more prone to depression because of two things:a family history that included a suicide and my mother's own untreated bipolar symptoms, and because of the abuse(physical, mental, and emotional)my sick mother heaped on me. The big difference between her and me is that she never sought or got help and I have. I thank God every day for the amazing difference Prozac and its cohorts have made in my life. I never abused my own children, who are now grown with children of their own. I can live an almost-normal life, although usually I have been unable to hold up under any kind of stress and as a result have been on disability for years. I'm very thankful for the help I have gotten from those caring people who have loved me through the difficult times.
One of the most important aids to my well-being has been the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. From this group I have received education about these disorders, information on all sorts of related subjects, and most of all, supportive and understanding friends. In turn, I have become a resource and support to others, paying forward a small bit of the vast blessings I have received. To all who read this column and these comments, I would recommend getting into such a group. There is no virtue in trying to "go it alone," when there are others who have plowed the trail before you and who are still on the journey themselves.
Most important of all, I have developed "an attitude of gratitude." There is always room for thanks to God, and expressing those thanks seems to multiply the positives and reduce the negatives of life.
And never, never, never give up!
Thank you for this post! I have been suffering from depression most of my life. It has been exacerbated by a pernicious anemia which is a sever b12 deficiency.
I had gastric bypass 5 years ago and lost 200 pounds, I though my depression would go away with the fat, I was wrong. Instead I became b12 deficient and it made the situation worse. The sleeping and lack of energy is part of the anemia and getting myself out of bed is as you know...like I am climbing Mt Everest.
Those who do not suffer will never know the darkness we face. I often wonder why I have been asked to face this in my life. I do a fair amount of public speaking and try to convey the essence of our experience.
I coach individuals who are working to loose 100+ pounds. The depression battle is one that is faced often with food, or many other addictions. These places of suffering can never be described to another with the fullness of how it affects our every fiber.
What we go through as individuals, I think is never totally meant to be understood by another. I believe it is the private place of us and our maker. It is that place of relationship that brings, for me the deepest levels of faith to the front.
I am currently reading a book called The Creative Brain, The Science of Genius by Nancy Andreasen. It is a neurological view of creativity and often the mania that comes with it. It is a great view into the chemistry and structure of our brains and how ways of being are associated with different forms of creativity and often mania. An awesome read if you are interested in the topic.
A bit rambling, I know, It is good to be in a space that is empathetic and compassionate.
I would like to relate a few things that many other powerful comments have said. I'm only 20 years old. Struggling with depression has been quite a battle in every aspect of my life. I have always been a stressed out teen, i guess just simply from my parents to do well in school and be a great athlete. Which im still not sure, if any of this had anything to lead to my depression. As time went on into high school, things were just stressed out. I left home to college, which never really bothered me because i had my boyfriend which i was preoccupied with him.
I think this is where things got worse for 2 years, to today. I started cutting things from my life in which i didnt even realize.Friends, family,myself and the things that were important to me like sports and running.I felt bad i mean unhappy at times which i thought was normal. But, how do you know if its normal or not? so i didnt act on it for 2 years. Drastic changes in my mood and feeling took over. I became someone i didnt even know i was.I was a raging girl, snapping every minute and then feeling guilty and crying hours and hours after. Just a huge bundle of mess within me with no one that understood. which im not sure if i understand it. Then i started getting confused in my own thoughts if i was depressed and if things were always my fault, which my boyfriend said all the time. I was completely miserable, which led to worsening my relationship with him in which he told me he didnt want to deal with me like this and he would leave when i got my crying spells.He wasnt really supportive and couldnt understantd. Which he still doesnt understand y i am still not me really. Meds help but not like creating a new person. It takes work and a lot of time, especially if you dont treat it for 2 years. So, i only had him for social support, because i dont have friends really and even if i tell them that i am depressed its just like ok, whatever. I cant just like everyone else-cant describe the pain, the blanket of cloudy darkness in your head, and how much confusion and chaos in my life.
So in short, at first to save my relationship with my boyfriend i went to get help. Which i was embarassed about. But, i havent really started with a therapist yet, which i hope to, to figure out my life and what makes me happy again. So im in the process still, in which i just started really. But later, i realized that i shouldnt be there for him, i should be there for me.Meds definitely have helped me out of the miserable rut, but im not who i use to be.
The previous comments make me feel a bit better that im not crazy, as i feel a lot because im depressed.Its hard as most of u know, and it seems to linger and haunt me.I wish i could just snap out of it and do what i use to enjoy and feel the way i use to. But it doesnt really help when i have no social support, which makes things worse.But i am working with it and trying to separate the depression that controls my decisions and MY decisions. thanks you all, you all gave me some hope.
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