thats funny…

I enjoyed meeting you at the museum party very much, and, I owe you an e-mail (silly job getting in the way). I took Acuntane, too, btw.

Nobody believes I’m an introvert — even today, years after I was diagnosed with depression, even though I sometimes hide in my apartment for days at a time, because I come across so confidently in person.
It’s called Dale Carnegie Training And when you’re not a natural glad-hander, it’s still COMPLETELY EXHAUSTING …

Therese, your blog has really helped me. That, Toastmasters, and AA help me mingle without a vodka buzz. THANK YOU

Oh, and I forgot a good psychiatrist, psychotherapist, and the right medication

Actually, it’s more of a spiritual mental health blog because, how do I put it, … I’m a holy whackjob.”
this is funny I am going to put it on my my space…hehehe
http://www.myspace.com/abundantjoy2004

Dear—-,
I tried to find your post…You are the one who said Sundays are your worst days and you cried as you drove home from your friends. My heart is in little pieces for you. I absolutely need to be off here and on with my day so I just wanted you to know that eternity is not in the same time continuum as us and I am going to offer anything of my day as a prayer for you even though today is Tuesday.

I figured out several years ago that I am more at ease in professional situations than social ones because I had somehow (subconsciously) given myself permission to have a postive professional self-esteem even though my “normal” self-confidence still remains that of the overweight red-headed, freckle-faced junior higher! I honestly don’t know how that came about, but I’m grateful to have had the experience of being able to present myself in a manner that encouraged those around me to accept me. Just as my young classmates returned to me the same amount of self-esteem which I held for myself i.e. none whatsoever,colleagues react to my professional personna in the same manner, returning my reflection as a competent, nurting elementary grade schoolteacher! Don’t ask me why or how that works because I can’t explain it; it just does! My near-miraculous ability to permit myself to excell professionally somehow allowed others to receive that image of me, which actually led to many accolades during mt thirty-one year career (I am now retired due to a “significant ” stroke. (Another mystery, how can a stroke be anything other than ‘significant?) which resulted in my being disabled and exacerbated my depression.
Yes, Therese, it’s me again, just a change in email address.
I’ve come to believe that the true meaning of “..as you sow, so shall ye reap..” has to do with the input we give our psyches. If we think positive things about ourselves, we reap positive return whereas the negatives produce the same phenomena! Too bad I couldn’t have come to that knowledge in my teens. My adolescence would have been less full of angst. However, knowing isn’t the same as practicing; I still find myself on that treacherous rope bridge which spans the abyss all too frequently. I attribute that to the fact that old habits are the hardest to break, and growing up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family with the assigned birth-order role of scapegoat, I became extremely accomplished at putting myself down and have to make a concentrated effort to affirm my worth as a human, not just as an educator, especially since I’m not anymore.
The good news is that my own poor self-esteem allowed me to spend time actively promoting confidence in the students who passed through my classroom, teaching them about afirmations as a part of their daily lives. Maybe that was God’s purpose for me all along and was why I suffered the heartache of poor self-esteem for so many years; it definitely helped me reach out to my inner city students whose lives were so dismal in many ways!
Everyone out there, I cannot recommend creating an affirmation for yourself highly enough. Post it in several locations around your home where you’ll see it often and say it aloud to yourself each time it catches your ey. I know it sounds silly, but it honestly DOES help after a while. I guess it’s a kind of reprogramming of our brains’ data bases.Another thing which has helped me immensely is visualization which I learned about through the book “Creative Visualization”. I’m still a spiritual whackjob too, but less of a one than I was at one time since i’ve included these practices in my life.

What Margeret said, except substitute “good attorney” for “competent, nurturing elementary grade schoolteacher.” It’s much easier for me to wear the lawyer hat (or any other kind of “I’m here for official reasons” hat) in these situations than it is to be just me. I was neither fat nor pimply in junior high, but I WAS that ugly-cute, geeky girl-jock with straight A’s — and the brunt of every popular girl’s practical joke. (That was in the ’60′s and ’70′s in the Deep South where it was not cool for a girl to be athletic or smart.) In a strictly social environment, I’m still that girl, though I’m nearly 50 years old. I so get this post, Therese.

I saw this today at work and it completely lifted my spirit!! Little did you know that right before Rita and I walked into the room, I popped a Xanax and took a deep breath. I HATE CROWDS.
I was so happy to see your smiling face, and Rita and I commented throughout the day about how we should track you down because you were so much fun to be around. Trust me, we are SO not the cool kids. Well, at least I’m not.
The more I talked to people at Blogher, the more I learned that everyone has something, whether it be depression or anxiety or whatnot. And SO many people said they were nervous, too, which made me feel so much better.
I’m so happy to have met you, new friend!!

Unless Therese has been reading my diary, we’re cut from the same mold. I, too, have social anxiety which first manifested in panic attacks when I was ten-years-old. My grandfather, my unconditionally loving parent, had died suddenly of a heart attack.
The feelings that overwhelmed me began, one night, when I was trying to sleep. I thoought I was dying, was terrified. My mother told our family doctor about them, he came over, hope sprung in my heart that he would make them go away with some miracle pill.
Instead he took me upstairs, sat on the side of Grandma’s bed, and told me if I had another of those “spells” he would come to spank me. So I had panic attacks constantly for years, never told anyone, until I discevered that alcohol made them go away. Then, after years of alcohol abuse, the alcohol turned on me and made the panic worse.
I, too, have found peace through my spiritual life. Although I attend no church, I meditate daily, smudge my house daily with white ginseng and lavandar, chant, do whatever I find that helps me feel closer to the Goddess and all my angel friends.
I’m grateful to have found this site, have never written a blog before, and hope this is acceptable. Love, Jan

I just want to post a confession because I can’t do it elsewhere. I have been fighting, physically beating this devil down, for weeks trying to get out of this hole. And I’m losing the fight. I’m experiencing every single symptom that plagues me and while I can tell myself all day that it’s a sickness, and chant my positive self talk (“I can change my mind about myself” “i can change the way I see my circumstances”), I feel utterly alone and desperate. And losing.
My fall happened about the same time as your post “relapse”. Here’s to our journey out of the depths.

I felt compelled to comment after reading all of your blogs. I am on the upside of depression. I was born almost blind, several operations gave me 20/200 vision. I was sexually abused as a child. I spent my formative years in a boarding school in England. A lot like Oliver Twist. I left school at sixteen, moved away from home because my parents faught constantly and went to live in London. Not to make this into a novel, I suffered from poor self esteam all my life because I could never be whole not having the vision others had and because I had been used up physically. I carried a lot of hate, anger and frustration for many years. I now know that all my trials were for a purpose. To mold my character into what I have become; a strong healthy woman. I am a speech pathologist, marathon runner,and soon to be grandmother for the 5th time. I can only say that you just have to keep believing, even when days get dark, you have to believe you were put here for a purpose and you cannot fulfill that purpose if you believe you are weak and inadequate. If you really believe God made us all for a purpose and your faith is strong, you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Keep fighting!

I think a combination of everything would be just fine (in response to the question “What do you want from me”?

comment4,

If you are willing to buy real estate, you would have to get the business loans. Moreover, my sister commonly uses a consolidation loan, which supposes to be really reliable.