Therese:
I was not a regular reader of yours in May, a time when I was desperately struggling with this question of dreaming. (Still am … I alternate the signatures on my personal e-mails with selections from either Man of La Mancha’s “The Impossible Dream” or Elvis’ “If I Can Dream.”) So this is more a response to your May post than this one, though it certainly touches on Fr. Martin as well.
The following was a post I made June 2 on the Bnet Depression Support Forum, basically verbatim.
“I think people know I am not a big fan of Oprah’s pushing of The Secret — and particular, of the idea that you can create whatever you visualize. As I always not-so-joke, ‘If I try to create what I visualize on a manic jag, I’ll end up in jail or “the ward.”‘ [AUTHOR'S NOTE: Or dead.]
“Well, I went to a regional depression support conference here in New Brunswick today. And several of the speakers and attendees, it turns out, are devotees of the Oprah philosophy. (All of a considerably older age bracket than me, which didn’t help things — the younger attendees seemed more in tune with my romantic cynicism, or cynical romanticism, whichever you prefer.)
“The keynote speaker in particular — a woman who has been through four harrowing long-term hospitalizations in the last 15 years, all resulting in ECT — was a huge fan of creative visualization.
“But to give the devil her due, she (the keynoter) was right about one thing — I seem to have given up something she said is a key to human existence: DREAMING.
“Once upon a time — before and even during my marriage, and before my first breakdown — I had big dreams. Not the ‘President of the United States’ dreams I had a kid (Wall Street and the Fortune 500 corporate world never turned me on in the least), but maybe being a star reporter for the Washington Post (or another high-powered publication with a D.C. bureau), with an equally high-powered wife and perhaps the requisite family in tow in a McMansion in the D.C. suburbs. And I was on that track.
“Then depression pushed me off — both the career and, ultimately, marriage/family tracks. And frankly, I’ve never come up with a new dream to replace them.
“The scary part is, I know that is a manifestation of the disease … or is it? It could just as easily be letting myself be crushed by the disappointments of life. (Though objectively — while I know many individuals have had far more difficulties than I have — I HAVE had a very rough go of it during the last decade, on all kinds of levels.) Or some nebulous combination of both.
“The speaker said, OK, what about small dreams — like, say, losing weight. Something I certainly need to do — and incrementally, I’ve been working the last 2-3 weeks on getting more active and eating (slightly) better. [AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've kept this up all summer and into the fall with tangible results, so this advice did help.]
“But visualization does nothing to help me with this. In fact, it truly scares me. When I look at pictures of myself in high school/college 15-20 years ago and 60+ pounds ago [AUTHOR'S NOTE: now 50+ pounds ago -- progress, not perfection], I go through something like depersonalization. Yes, young Larry looks like me (but much thinner, with a little darker hair), I recognize the backgrounds, I even see he’s had some of the experiences I’ve had — but he’s not the same person. Nor is he, in fact, and in a very fundamental way.
“Naturally, the only way I could conclude the colloquy was to ask the speaker what HER dream was. The answer? She wants to be on Oprah someday.
“(Sigh.)”
And with no little “synchronicity,” Oprah’s topic today is … bipolar disorder.
More generally, when I read this again almost four months later, what strikes me is that maybe I did have to be stripped of my material dreams. And that was not necessarily a bad thing — it may well have been a good thing.
The problem is, I also feel stripped of the ability to realize the dreams of the higher things Fr. Martin and Fr. Girzone ask us to reach for. It’s not that I don’t have the dreams per se — I would be grateful at this stage of my life to find a job that could make a positive contribution to the world as well as my wallet; and I, like all people, would like that special relationship (and someday, to marry again).
But — though some people tell me I have a talent for writing it doesn’t seem to be an employable one — I’ve been unemployed for months despite hundreds of applications and at least a dozen interviews. And as for meeting a special woman — as the padres might say, a G-dly one, no less … well, who exactly would want to date an unemployed, overweight guy with bipolar disorder not fully under control, who doesn’t want kids? H*ll, **I** wouldn’t want to date me if I thought of me like that. On the other hand, I feel I do have some virtues too — I’m devoted and faithful, handsome even given my extra pounds, supportive and empathetic, romantic, and a great conversationalist.
Incredibly, two years ago, I met a wonderful woman who loved me for my virtues and was willing to forgive my first three issues. (Oh, she was phenomenally beautiful and truly “G-dly,” no less.) But her biological clock is ticking, she desperately wants a family and … well, you know. (Sigh.) At least she didn’t blame me and we’re still friends — even though it breaks my heart, too.
The worst part is, bipolar disorder is a disease with such enormous stigma — and that, admittedly, causes enormous frustrations for friends and loved ones when it is in its full florid hideousness. I feel like I’ve built a shell — the cynicism guarding my inner romantic — to try to protect myself from the world and the world from me as a result. But such shells, inevitably, keep us from reaching out as we must to achieve our dreams (either of filthy lucre or our higher ones), and may hide the inner light we need to keep our true dreams, our ideals, animated.
Sorry this turned into such a rant. I guess my point is, how many times can we get back up to dream again when our dreams — not just material dreams that may deserve to be dashed, but the best dreams of the human spirit — are crashed into the rocks and torn to pieces by the punishing waves of our moods (more like storm surges or tsunamis), up and down, up and down, up and down, that are inevitable with this disease?
Fr. Martin might say, using Blessed Mother Teresa’s example, countless times.
But how many of us are Blessed Mother Teresa?

Larry:
Dreaming (or desiring, if you will) to make a positive contribution to the world is a BIG ENOUGH vision. And ui’m here to tell you that you’ve accomplished that, my friend at least on B.B. You’re posts invariably challenge me to do bette, and while i’ve (finally) learned at 58 not to speak for others but only myself, I daresay that i’m not the only frequent-flyer onTherese’s plane (Destination:spiritual and emotional well-being) who looks forward to reading your thoughtful, pertinent “rants” (Your word, not mine). All any of us can do, to use clic=hes is “bloom wherever we’re planted or “brighten the corner where we are”; you do that here, often expressing (so well) the innermost thoughts that many of us share and serving as our voice. For me, at least, B.B. wouldn’t be nearly as helpful if you weren’t out there using your enviable writing skills to reach out to us less-talented members of our network. My prayer for you is that you find that special woman who will love the total Larry (extra pounds as well as extra heart.) From my impression of who you are, she would be blessed to “find” you! And speaking as a woman who would also like to find a soul-mate, there are plenty of us out there wishing and looking with those same fears and reservations. My guess is that you’ll find her when and where you least expect it

For once, I am speechless
Except … thank you.

Larry,
I am in total agreement with Margaret in regards to your compassion and willingness to reach out to others when you yourself are suffering. Your honesty and the care and concern that you give is,at least for me,comforting.Your suggestions have been very,very helpful and acually your words seem to have a calming effect,usually when that’s exactly what I needed.Just keep being who you are,upfront and honest and careing and it will all come back to you tenfold!!

Awwwwww ….