For a week or so, I’ve been pondering the following question by reader JCH:
I have also been married for a little over a year. My husband knew on our third or fourth date about my depression and saw it evidenced over our two-year dating relationship. When he proposed I specifically asked if he knew what he was getting into. He said he did but I think he lied. He does not get it. He questions my salvation. He thinks my depressive episodes are selfish. He looks at my easy life and his really hard life (background) and sees that he is able to have hope and I have none and does not think that I am trying hard enough.I have no doubt that it is hard for him. Really.
I read your blog and others posts and have done searches about marriage and depression and wonder at the patience of other husbands. What helped them "get" it? how did they switch from frustration to patience and kindness? He wants to "hold me accountable" so that my depression does not become a crutch. nice idea but when I am in my darkest places I need love not lectures. I told him that was my counselors job and he dismissed that idea too.
I am drowning and the person who I count on to be my safety net just thinks that I should swim harder.
I thought that I should take this one to Eric. So I asked my husband what, in particular, has helped him be so supportive and patient with me over the years as someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and a person who exhibits lots of mood fluctuation.
"I can’t get mad at you for having bad brain wiring," he said. “Just like I can't blame you for having a growth in your pituitary gland."
"But what convinced you that my bipolar disorder was an illness, not a weakness?" I asked him.
"I’ve read the reports, I guess. You did your homework and provided the research for me. I suppose I’m more educated now than a lot of people. …. And I don’t hold you accountable because I know that you are doing everything you can to recover: you exercise, eat right, take your meds, go to therapy. It would be a different story if you were sleeping all day, not going outside, eating junk …"
I'll talk more about this tomorrow, as my "How Do You Move Beyond Blue" interview of the week covers this topic.
But right now, I’d say that education is your best tool. Everything starts with education.
That means going online (I'd start with the online mental health online at Revolution Health, or with NAMI or the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance), doing your own research, and printing it out for your husband to read. It means dragging him to your doctors’ appointments, to your therapy, to your support groups. It means having spouses of other depressives call him … anything that might enlighten him on this topic.
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My psychiatrist was the greatest help in my husband finally understanding the difference between situational depression and clinical depression. And, like others have posted, my husband appreciates just how much effort I put into trying to stay on top of this illness.
Truthfully, some depression in life is necessary, for our emotional balance (we can't be on a high all the time) as well as knowing that depression has a way of helping us "fine tune" what is right and wrong with our lives.
Learning about depression is key, some depression is emotional, some phycological and some is mental.
With emotional depression our mood can be subject to change due to imbalances within brain and hormonal functions. This type of depression is short lived and person's generally find their way back to their normal states. If it last more than 3 days see a doctor.
Phycological depression is depression associated with a feeling of helplessness and generally at the root of this depression are sitiuations in our life we haven't dealt with. Emotions which we have supressed, anger, frustrations, betrayal, loss of a love one, changing towns, jobs, lovers, physical or mental abuse past or present etc There is something we are in denial about. We put dealing with the problem off and the depression is a result of those problems trying to get our attention. Only "We" know what is at the root of this type of depression and medical assistance should be sought.
Mental depression is self imposed, we repeated tell ourselves, "I'm not happy", or "I don't like or want this or that", and eventually our lives will mimick what we have told our minds..this type of depression takes some time to come out of, but basically it takes paying attention to your self talk and making changes or changing the things about us or our lives we don't like, i.e., being overweight, being married to certain persons etc.. (which I personally think this persons depression is the result of, she is married to someone she isn't happy with, so she goes into a combination phycological/mental depression) and the cycle repeats itself because she has yet to make the life changing decision to get out of the unhappy relationship, and she constantly supresses the thoughts they lead her away from the life she has, is afraid of the life she faces or the hell it's going to take to be free, or afraid of being alone, and feels helpless, and seeks to find other medical situations to substantiate her feelings and looks on the outside for the answer more so than on the inside.
Being unhappy and feeling helpless are the two greatest root causes of depression.
And it will continue until responsibility for the outcome of your life is taken. When you are pro-active about living, in charge and have a dream, desire or passion for life, then you have no time to be depressed.
We you are sitting on the sidelines of your own life you view it like a spectator, it's only when you "get into the game" that your depression will find another home elsewhere.
Still after reading this, you feel you need somekind of medicine to help you get into the game of your life then by all means seek a professional.
Realizing those meds have side effect that are most undesireable and when you finish, your depression still isn't gone, it's like a drunk taking a drink to solve their problem, after the drunk is over the problem still exists.
You need to find the problem that creates your depression and believe it or not, you are the best person to analyze you, cause there is no one who knows what's going on inside of you better than you, you only have to be honest with your self and take responsibility for your own feelings.
I get depressed from time to time, it helps me fine tune my own life, and I have noticed there is a lot of pain inside, after some time of thinking morbid thoughts of dying and death, I realized I didn't want to die, I only wanted the pain to die. Coming to terms to separate the two things took quite some time.
Getting past your depression requires that you do the "self work", be honest and courageous.
Your husband is incidental, your depression was there before he arrived and so was the problem that caused it. He seemed to be someone thown into the mix to divert you again from having to deal with those problems.
Maybe he knows your physc is hiding something and he won't let you crutch out on him, on bipolar or any other curve you throw out there, and that makes you unhappy. He is forcing you to deal with you.
Maybe it's time you did.
"Truthfully, some depression in life is necessary, for our emotional balance (we can't be on a high all the time) as well as knowing that depression has a way of helping us 'fine tune' what is right and wrong with our lives."
Sexy:
You seem to think that "depression" is just a variety of garden-variety "sadness" -- and that it is our fault if we fall into it.
Obviously you're not familiar with the fMRI scans that show actual changes in brain function in those with depression. It is a DISEASE, not a character flaw.
And medicine is not a crutch, it's as essential for many of us for survival as insulin is to a diabetic or anti-retrovirals are to someone with HIV/AIDS.
I read Ms Sexy's post and have to agree with Larry Parker. It sounds as though Ms. S. has dealt with what everyone experiences from time-to-time on life, the blues, but does not have any clinical problems. There is a huge difference as most of us here know only too well. It also sounds as though Ms S enjoys the transitioning of normal mood changes and that's fine, but don't anyone confuse her thoughts with serious advice for persons experiencing mental health illness.
I have suffered with depression for my entire life (since I was a teen)and I've now been married over 23 years. My husband knows that I by no means enjoy my depression, that I would change my down times if I could, and he knows that I am not just indulging myself at others (his) expense. Some people seem to think you have control over depression--like you can just wish it away. My mother used to think that way, until she had a small stroke this past year, and suddenly she had this depression she couldn't shake afterwards. NOW she understands what I've gone through all my life, and while I'm not happy it took such a huge thing to bring her to this point, I'm grateful she finally GETS it. Some people never do. I'm lucky that my husband loves me enough to stick with me through all the ups and downs, and I credit his parents with a lot of that--they were married for 53 years. He doesn't believe in divorce, though God knows I've given him reason to! I turned 50 this year, and I still have a therapist that I see every 2 weeks or so, and I try to stay on top of my depression with various methods, but it all comes down to understanding yourself and what you're capable of--and managing your life around that. If you can do that halfway well, you'll be all right.
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