James at "Finding Optimism" is devoting several posts to this specific topic because of all of your feedback to his great post "12 Ways to Care for Someone with Depression" and "Things to Say to Someone with Depression." His wife, Anna, has written some excellent pieces that I am sure will help the mates of us bipolars and depressives. This is the type of stuff reader JCH (who asked the question on my previous post) might want to print out and hand to her husband. Good job James and Anna! Thank you!
Here is the first post in the series, called "The Depression Dialogue":
It’s really hard being a carer when all you want to be is a wife, husband, partner, or friend. It’s important to have strategies to deal with different situations and remain in your normal relationship as much as possible. This is what I want to work through in these posts.I’ve learned over time that James and I can relate to each other in a rational manner even when he is ill. This has been a learning process; it hasn’t always been the case. And I still often feel like I’m walking on egg shells depending on the severity of the episode.
The key strategy that I’ve learned is how to talk to James when he is sick, either high or low. When he becomes ill he turns into a different person. I say goodbye to my husband, so to speak, and hello to bipolar James. In a depressive episode he becomes highly irritable and usually itches for a fight. Early on he will often make comments to bait me. “All I do is work, work, work, to support your lifestyle and your precious social group.” You can imagine what a red rag to a bull that comment is.
At this point I have 2 options:
1. Take the bait, have a messy fight and accelerate his downswing, or
2. Grit my teeth and say “it’s the illness speaking”. If I can do that then I have a much better chance of diffusing the situation. A comment like “You sound stressed about work - let’s talk” has better results and sometimes can even stop the mood swing.
Lately I’ve also been able to say “Let’s talk before you get stuck in a negative cycle of thinking.” This is huge progress for us. It usually results in a fairly sensible conversation.
James says some very hurtful things to me when he’s depressed, but I only tell him how he’s hurt me when he’s better. I wait until he is rational and can deal with it, rather than inflame the situation further when he is ill. I’ve also learned not to take his bait so personally, as I’ve come to recognize it for what it is.
It’s important to know that I couldn’t do this if I didn’t recognize the start of a mood swing. You need to listen to what is really being said before you reply to comments. Is the person sick? Are they really asking for help? Is this a normally held opinion? A few seconds of thought can save a lot of heartbreak.
Next time I can get on the computer I’ll write on learning about the illness and recognizing early symptoms.
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sorry about your situation carmen. ask her to go to counseling with you - say you need it and need a buddy to go with you. try to get her out or to journal her feelings and explain to her how she is hurting herself and you. hold her and tell her you want to be her friend and tell her honestly how you feel. she cannot read your mind as you cannot read hers. she needs to learn how to communicate her feelings without fear or reprimand. ask her to write a letter to you if she cannot openly express her emotions in a healthy way. hope this helps you and everyone involved. our prayers will be with you.
My husband has anxiety disorder (social and general) and mild depression that has been with him to some degree, I believe, all of his life. He has managed to function in a limited way: work, church, a few social events that I drag him to over the years and any necessary or obligatory duties, but he has no joy, hobbies, interests, outside involvements, dreams to look forward to in his life. I think he could manage to get by like this for the rest of his life but I can't accept this lifestyle. I am separated emotionally, mentally and physically at this time(but remain in the same home) and feel hopeless that things will ever change. I have been on the fence for years trying to decide whether to leave or stay. He has been going to a psychologist(finally) for the anxiety for several months and I see him trying, but he refuses to take medication. I think I should be able to expect him to do "everything" he possibly can to get better. And he's not. I don't know if I have enough love and care for him to stay. I feel like I'm settling for so little in my relationship with him. He has no needs outside work, church and home. Are there any good books or support groups dealing with anxiety disorder?
I have been going to counseling too and that helps but I feel like I need to take more action to change myself and the relationship.
Thanks for listening.
Therese
obviously you still love him because you have not left - what he needs now is a friend - take him to a dance or social event from your church or another church or the local ymca. it is not that he has no other needs it is just all he can handle right now. it takes alot of work to handle working, church, home and relationships. remember why you chose him and why you fell in love with him. take a walk together and hold hands - explain to him how you feel - he cannot read your mind. write your feelings down and share it with him or your therapist. hope this helps you
That's very helpful. Me, being bipolar, I find it very helpful to talk to my husband about my depression and anxiety.
Im not sure where to begin, but I guess the beginning should start with the day my wife, the woman I knew, became this transformed depressed woman who lives with me. Mar 14 2006, was the day it began. My wife, in a desperate bid to push her son into moving out of the environment of bad influences, attempted suicide, and almost succeeded, popped a fistful of pills, and stopped breathing when I was rushing her to the hospital, I thought she had a heart attack, I never new, until 24 hours later, when I found a suicide note. She survived, but not without injury, now she has short term memory loss, and has been diagnosed with sever clinical depression. I have watched go from a vibrant exciting person, to someone who I don't know anymore. Her depression can take her depths of such self loathing, ant-social, lock herself in the bedroom for days. She made another attempt on her life, about one year later, this time I was aware something was wrong, checked her diary and called the police and a ambulance, she had refused o go to the hospital. 51 days, she stayed in a hospital, mental health, etc's, bi lateral, a cocktail of medications, physco therapy, and here I am, sitting in my living room, while she is upstairs, for the 6th day, sleeping, or not sleeping, but laying there, saying nothing, eating when the mood strikes her. I have read your posts, and feel for all of you, but what can I do? Be supportive, it has been my middle name, she can go weeks at a time, the 16 different pills a day, and where is the change, not. How do I continue to be supportive, what do you as wives and husbands of depression, deal with everything. I am so tired of the looks of despair mixed with a I hate snarl. Then all of a sudden she can come out of it, and bam, there she is again, smiling and full of life, which used to last for weeks, now the bouts of depression are longer, and the good feelings are fewer, weeks of good feelings are now days, and depression is weeks. She is faithful to her medication, and she is seeing one of the leading mental health doctors, however, she is not doing any better. There is no support for me here in my City, I don't know who to turn too, and my best friend, isn't talking to me at the moment, then again, she is not talking to anyone. I need support, and I have no one to turn too, so thanks for listening. I hope all the best for all of you.
Don
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