Our happy car was on its way to West Virginia to visit my in-laws, when Julie, my sister-in-law, spots Katherine’s purple "a complaint free world" bracelet.
"Katherine, have you promised not to complain for 21 days?" she asks her niece.
"What are you talking about?"
"The other day Oprah had on her show the guy who started the movement to wear purple bracelets, to remind yourself not to complain for 21 days. He started with his church, and word spread, and now it’s this huge deal."
"Ahh," I said. "That explains the book and the bracelet I got in the mail the other day. Word must be out that I’m a whiner, a professional and prolific whiner."
"It’s harder than you think."
"I'm sure it is," I said, "because you have to cancel all of your plans for three weeks."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you obviously can’t go to therapy. Or if you do, I guess you could say something like, "I don’t really have anything to talk about today because I’ve achieved the perfect balance between motherhood and career, between raising kids and what I see as my ministry of educating people on mental illness. And the sticker-system is working out just great for David’s behavioral issues—except for, you know, yesterday when he hit the babysitter. But, truly, what a gift that was: he has learned to express himself in body language! And I'm given the delightful challenge of finding a new sitter, an activity I just ADORE."
"I don’t think therapy is complaining."
"And I’d have to cancel all my doctor’s appointments. Because when my endocrinologist asks me if I’ve been experiencing symptoms of pituitary problems, I’d have to say something like: 'I have been skipping my periods again, but that means our family can save on the cost of tampons and I can start wearing white again with confidence! I’ve also begun lactating, but how awesome is it to have an in-house dairy bar, and a bra packed with breast pads!' When she asks me if there were any side effects to the medication I was on before, I could say, 'Just the pregnant belly effect, but I've been dying to pull out my maternity clothes again, and play the how-far-along-do-you-think-I-am? game with friends and family. Yippee!'"
And forget about coffee with friends. Or any conversation that gets too personal, like "What’s new with you?"
"Oh gosh, our family just had the most magnificent opportunity to ride in the ambulance the other day! David has been waiting for his chance ever since little Will got to go in it after he took the polar bear plunge a few years back."
"I’m sure there are definitions as to what consists of a complaint," Julie said.
"I’m sure there are. In truth I only read the first sentence of the book: 'In your hands you hold the secret to transforming your life.' If I told you why I didn’t have time to read the book in entirety it would sound like I was complaining, so let me just say this: my mission in life is to be real, and that involves a few complaints. I think that not being real is what contributes to so much of our sickness and disease, especially in this country. Everyone feels the need to wear the McDonald's Happy Meal face all the time. It’s unnatural."
The First Noble Truth of the Buddha is that suffering exists in life, that there is no getting around the pain. M. Scott Peck began his modern day classic with these three words: "Life is difficult."
Now maybe I was just born with a relatively low happiness level, or maybe I insist on seeing the cup half empty, or maybe I’m threatened by a guy telling the world not to complain because I make a living from whining. As Eric often points out to me, "What happens if you get totally healthy and normal? There goes our livelihood."
But I’d like to think otherwise—that I simply honor truth. That means praising God in the happy moments—like yesterday, when David and I picked apples in a beautiful orchard with his school friends. As I looked at him run through the maze of haystacks with that stunning smile of his, I said a prayer of thanksgiving for this blessing. But I also pick up the phone during those times of sheer terror—like the afternoon of Katherine’s 911 call—to reach out for real friends who allow me to tell them how I’m REALLY doing—scared, shaky, confused, and a tad mad at God.
In fact, I may very well design my own bracelets with yellow happy and sad faces that promote honesty, "a real world.org," take the 21-day challenge. Let’s see which does more good.
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God grant me the ability to change what I can, accept what I can't change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
This is the way we start every service in the small methodist church that I attend. For me it says everything that needs to be said about the subject.
I think that to complain is human nature, but as others (much better than I can) have stated life is a hard struggle at times.
The struggles of this life can be overcome with the strength and indomitable spirit that true faith gives us.
I think you are right, Therese, that honesty dictates that we need to express ourselves in terms of our suffering and problems as well as through our victories and blessings. I would say that when complaining becomes prevalent to the extent that it blocks gratefulness, gratitude, God's goodness or life's beauty, the focus needs to change. A healthy balance is the key. In Phillipians 4:8 there is an exortation to think on D"whatever is pure, good, lovely, of good report" ect. This is the way in which God wants us to choose to think. It is indeed more of a challenge sometimes to think of the good in suffering, or in an unpleasant experience, but if God's promise in Romans 8:28 is true "All things work togethr for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose." we must seek to see the good, at least in our overview.
My husband and I are in our 60's. We have gotten to the stage where we have physical ailments - we're sore after we go for a walk, but then the conversation turns (after complaining) to the other people we saw in wheelchairs, with walkers, etc while we were out walking and we begin to be grateful for the fact that things could be so much worse. Then comes the hot bath to soothe the aches and a nice cup of hot coffee and some Jazz music! Sometimes we need not to let our complaining block the impetus to do something about what is wrong - even to pray. But, it is a privilege to pray for others and to share burdens and struggles so we very much need that honesty you referred to. If a purple bracelet can help change or alter thought patterns for the good, I'm all for it!
That was a lovely column! I really enjoyed the tougue in cheek feel it had. My personal belief is everything in balance, that includes complaining. I like your style of complaining as there is alway humor attached to it. Where would we be without a good laugh or at least a whimsical chuckle. You are right. It is better for you and the rest of those around you if you let it out. (I mean the general "you" not the personal one.) If you hold on to all your "crap," you'll just wind up exploding at the wrong party. This is not very pleasant for anyone involved, and I am pretty sure all of us have been on both ends of the situation.
However, I don't think one should make all their communicating about complaining. My mom tends to do that, although, I will admit it is better since she retired a year ago. It is not fun to talk to someone who is always complaining, but by the same token, it is disconcerting to speak to someone who is always "OK" when you know they are not. I have a male friend, and I do mean friend, who does this.
"HONESTY IS BY ALL MEANS THE BEST POLICY."
Karen
Complaining is natural, if not helpful. Our brains are designed to pay attention to danger, pain, and threats, so of course we become aware when life is difficult. Part of that awareness mobilizes us to action, to hide, to run, to attack, or to express our distress. Crying to express our distress is one of the first things we do in life. It is a form of complaining. Most of us learn some way of solving many of our problems, but we never forget how to cry, whine, or otherwise express distress, one of the primary emotional states we come hardwired with for survival purposes. The downside of complaining is that it works better for babies and very young children than for adults. When adults complain, we spread the irritation and anxiety because we are also hardwired to read and respond emotionally to other people's emotions. Learning self calming to allow us to think creatively to solve problems and ask assertively when we need help works better than complaining, but it takes practice. I've written a book about it, but I still have to remind myself to practice it everyday. The natural complaining response has been around for a long time. It takes patience, love, and practice to substitute something else.
I am a big worrier. That translates into being a BIG complainer. It begins to grow like a bad wart on your face. My husband and some of my family have told me I worry and complain too much. I hate hearing that because it makes me realize how sour I must be to be with at times. For a while, I work on it and even pray to God to help me become more positive. Somehow, it always seems to slip back in. I used to have a friend who was a big complainer and when I was with her I always cringed and thought "Oh my gosh, is that what I sound like?" I would vow to change my bad habits. While we are human and live in this difficult world, there will always be something to complain about. I guess the idea is to do the best we can, share some of our worries with God and maybe our therapists or closest friends, but in general, strive to be optimistic and pleasant to be around. It's good for our biochemistries! I liked this topic today because I probably will always need to be reminded to see the glass half full and to NOT complain so much. Today I will be pleasant to be around. At least I'm gonna try. :)
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