I should have thought about this before procreating: every plant left to my care has died, and our dogs took over six months to house train. I figured that since the dogs didn't die, Eric and I were ready for children. Now I'm not so sure about that logic.
Here's how I feel about disciplining my kids: I HATE IT, and I SUCK AT IT. When I was twelve, my mom used to call me her "pink little powder puff," (translation: "sweet little door mat"). Now I'm a bipolar little powder puff. The summer that I taught creative writing to a camp of ten-year-old girls, I had so little control over the classroom that they called me "Ms. Giggles." Whenever they started to laugh, so did I.
More than one person (more than ten, actually) have suggested I write to Nanny 911 and have her come to my house.
Instead I went to therapy, of course, because every aspect of my life needs therapy. Here's how I'm doing.
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Therese, what a BRAVE video this was!! When I was growing up, the father went to work, and Mom stayed home. Although, Mom did hospital auxiliary work, joined the Garden Club, started an antique business, and somehow made it all work. I grew up in the 50s-60s, when this was the norm in my community.
As you know (or maybe you don't - you look so YOUNG), the 60s gave birth to many revolutionary changes - "flower children," "free love," the Feminist Movement, etc. All the "norms" disappeared, and I felt like a "fish out of water." By the late 60s, I had my first nervous breakdown.
Although my parents didn't understasnd WHY or WHAT happened, they were wise enough to sign me into a psychiatric ward for a "rest." Now - what does this have to do with your video??!! We DIDN'T have stickers on the refrigerator calendar; we weren't "rewarded" with anything beyond twenty-five cents a week as an allowance. My parents took "parenting" seriously - Dad was 42 and Mom was 37 when I was adopted. They WANTED children, BADLY. They were on a waiting list for two YEARS, and were originally deemed "too old" to adopt an infant.
To make one thing perfectly clear - I was "wanted." As one man's blog above states - he does NOT want children. I firmly believe there are people who SHOULDN'T be parents, as well as those who embrace it joyfully. My Dad was an attorney in Chicago, and he would take me to his office when I was in the fifth grade, and teach me to type - he firmly believed in "training" me instead of "raising" me - in the event he would die while I was still young, so that I would have a marketable skill. I look back and bless him for it.
Just to add: Yes, my parents LOVED me, and raised me the best way they knew how in the "old world" customs. Parenting today is so VERY far removed from those days. I DO NOT envy you raising two young children, but, from your video, and from your desires to raise your children, you are taking all the RIGHT steps to ensure that they will be productive members of society. That's ALL that's expected of ANY parents, bipolar or not. And you are VERY brave; I almost envy your position in life. It is all BEFORE you now; remember, you have choices.
God bless you real good.
Suzanne:
Since I've been somewhat criticized for my intentionally giving up, at the age 38, on the prospect of having children -- despite the cost in relationships for me -- and you may not be familiar with my story, let me provide some additional background.
I was wonderfully loved by one of my parents. It was my mom, not my dad, and as a boy and now a man, that has made a huge difference.
My parents divorced when I was 13. I've suffered the slings and arrows ever since, from ex-schoolmates to my ex-wife, of being a "mama's boy" and "not enough of a man." But that's not why I don't want kids.
My father never wanted children, I have recently learned. He had my sister and me because he (thought he) loved my mom, and my mom desperately wanted kids. He became so bitter and frustrated that he eventually became an alcoholic. He never wanted to see me as a teen after the divorce and rarely has had a good word to say about me through my adulthood (not that I was a "bad kid" -- hardly! -- though my depression hasn't helped, of course). But that's not why I don't want kids.
My paternal grandfather was a bitter, hateful, and virulently racist man (in 1940s and 1950s North Carolina) who cheated on my grandmother right and left. My grandmother, in turn, would either leave my dad alone or with questionable babysitters, a bit like Britney Spears today, to "party" herself with girlfriends. Naturally, my grandmother (and even my grandfather) softened in old age and doted on my sister and me. But the effects on my dad -- an only child, no less -- didn't just end with their neglect and emotional abuse. My dad was physically abused by an aunt and uncle who frequently watched him -- and later sexually abused by a cousin.
In short, my dad hated (and hates) kids because he had no childhood himself (and hated his own parents). And his legacy to me was to force me to grow up pretty quickly myself -- and again, have no patience for the innocence of childhood (or, of course, for my old man).
Even when I'm with my adorable niece and nephew, my sister's children ... they EXHAUST me, mentally even more than physically, with their (perfectly age-appropriate) silly games and sense of fun. When did **I** ever get to play silly games and not have to worry about anything? I was too busy studying in my room on sunny school afternoons because my dad was angry about the one 'B' I had on my report card. He literally HATED me playing outside and would chase me back in the house.
(My sister, though she has her own issues with my dad, was somewhat spared because she was younger when my dad left -- and because my dad neglected her, which is bad, but left her alone in doing so, which was probably good.)
I would never want to project what my father projected onto me -- and what his parents projected onto him -- onto another generation for anything in the world. Even if it meant losing the love of my life -- because to some extent it was a selfish love, since I wanted her for herself but not for her own (beautiful) desire to have a family. Much as I loved her, I will not repeat my father's mistake with my mother --even if, in some cosmic sense, I might not be here without that "mistake."
And all that's BEFORE my paranoia that late-night feedings and diaper changes could push me into full-blown mania and hospitalization -- and that, worst of all, I could pass this terrible disease (which I inherited, with classic irony, from my mom, not my dad) onto my own children.
In short, unless you come from a "go forth and multiply upon the earth" religious perspective that G-d MANDATES families -- I disagree with that, but can't argue with it -- I don't think the criticism was particularly warranted, at least without the context ...
Therese,
Look at yourself through the mirror of your friend's love! That mirror holds a far more accurate reflection of you than your own does. I think that's the truth for many of us these days. There seems to be a plague of low self esteem in so many lives, some just hide it better than others, or push it down deep where they think it will never resurface. Part of healing comes from doing exactly what you are doing. Allowing yourself to be real, honest, and open, is a way of overcoming the fears and self doubts that began to grow the weeds of depression in your life. The more you increase your self esteem, as you are already doing, the more you will pour weed killer on that ugly plant! But just as it took time, many years, possibly even from childhood to grow that self doubt, it will also take time to kill it. But I think you are on the right path! We want quick results, a sort of McDonalds drive through of healing. It would be so terrific if that were the way things could go, but I think that's rare. You are on the right path though, and the truth is, the relationship that you are longing to have with your children, will come as a result of you first learning to love and accept yourself. Don't ever allow yourself to feel selfish for the time and effort spent in your recovery. You are doing this for your whole family. It will benefit you and everyone involved, both now, and as time goes on! I want to echo what others have said, YOU ARE VERY BRAVE! When we face fears, we overcome, and we realize that it's fear that steels the light from our lives, and blinds us from who we truly are. I see alot of hope and light in you! There are great days ahead for you!
I was thinking that you might benefit from learning about the Taking Children Seriously philosophy, which believes that children shouldn't be controlled by their parents, and that they are to develop autonomy. See: http://www.takingchildrenseriously.com/
I have to agree with Larry on the reason for not having children. I am pretty much out of danger on that account( at least physically). I had such a volatile "childhood" if you could call it that. My parents stayed together for "the children's sake" and they could'nt have been more wrong! My brother and I turned out okay for an alcoholic and OCD-manic depressive...HA! If it were'nt for our somewhat twisted sense of humour we probably would be in the psycho ward or JAIL! My darling brother would be found lying on the kitchen floor by me upon coming home from school with a knife (big and butchery) apparently stuck in his ribcage and ketchep everywhere! Tell me that's not twisted?! But I, in my creativity, got him back. My parents were away one weekend and left my brother( home on leave from navy at the time) and I(Silly teenager) in charge on the house.(Big mistake!) He and I had our respective friends over for the biggest house party since John Belusi was alive! When his friends and he went out to score more boosze etc. We "hung" one of my friends in the hallway as an apparent "suicide". What are friends for??? SOOO... NO, I definitely think children would not benefit from this sort of behavior. But it makes it for a good gorey story.
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