I really like what my friend James from "Finding Optimism" wrote on the message board of my post, "Marriage Is a Discipline," regarding how to effectively keep his spouse around:
My wife and I have been married for 13 years. The foundation of our marriage has always been a commitment to the promises we made to each other, before God, on our wedding day. For us they are lasting promises while we're both alive.We've also been through a lot since being married (though perhaps not like Lynn & Cully). I'm nothing like the person she thought she had married, and illness has caused many problems for us. But the commitment we made makes our marriage successful and helps us to get through the really difficult times. It's sounds dry, but we are very happily married most of the time.
This is nothing like what the media portrays. I wonder how much the divorce rate, of 40-50 percent, reflects this media influence. The romance and infatuation dies in most marriages, and it comes back to hard work, commitment, discipline, and the other things written by you (Therese) in the post above. Thanks for the reminder.
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Larry: That's ONE vow my exhusband DID keep! He was very supportive and caring through two mahoR surguries and one minor one (the removal of several ingrown toenails. I's easy to get into the oneupsmanship game, and I don't mean to do that here, but believe me, I would gladly have traded some of the cargiving for him hnoring the "forsaking all others" part of our vows!That wasn't jusT COUNTERproductive, it was DESTRUCTIVE!
Truth: Sometimes I feel that I am so different from the person my husband married, that I'm not sure how to discuss the dashed hopes and bewilderment he must feel.
We talk about my issues very honestly, but he's detached from them. He takes a pill to deal with his issues. Day-to-day, we feel good when we're respectful, efficient in dealing with everything, and emotionally present for our toddler.
Being emotionally present with one another, long enough to have a productive conversation (beyond what needs to happen with our remodeling project), is hard and rare right now.
But I feel hopeful that we are still together and feel deep love for one another.
Cathy; In all honesty, I think ALL married people end up feeling like they married a stranger to at leastSOME degreeunless they lived together before they were marrid (Maybe even THEN!) We all go into narriage with certain expectations of both ourselves and our mates, but then LIFE gets in the way!I'm sure there have been some surprises for you in terms of your husband's changes as well. As long as there's still abiding love, you're RIGHT to remain hopeful. And remaining emotionally present for ANY common goal is something to be proud of and to celebrate; it at least proves it's POSSIBLE to find common ground. All is NOT lost!
Please tell me how to have a marriage that is always based on friendship,trust,and love at all times.That we can have peace of mind with each other always!
well, Im writing on the clock at work, which I dont usually do.
I just celebrated 24 years of marriage, which is pretty close to a miracle. After 3 kids I was diagnosed with Lupus, arthiritis. But I am tough, so not that big of a deal. But, 10 years later I was hit with depression. After many years of being clean from Alcohol and drugs I hit it again. He just got his 25 years in. I, half a year.
Today he and I are fine, though he blames drinking for my problems, not depression. He dont get it. Last week I was good, today I feel like jumping. My office is planning decorations tomorrow for a contest between departments. They wonder at my lack of excitment, what they dont know is that in my head, I can only think about whether I will make it home without hitting a pole.
Lori
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