As always, a contrary perspective (FYI, John D. is GOOD):
In my case, I think I felt stuck in a marriage that was hopelessly going nowhere (and in which my partner became, not more, but progressively LESS supportive of me in my illness as the marriage went on — I think she thought or at least tried to wish-fulfill that it was temporary, not permanent, despite my explanations otherwise). But a sense of loyalty and, yes, Catholic guilt from this “Jesuit-educated ex-altar boy” that kept me there for her (as much as I could be), even though she was hardly “there for me.”
It was finally a MANIC reaction from being wrongly medicated that spurred me to action. So much so, that within a month of moving out, I was in a hospital. (And, with her typical coldness, my wife refused to visit me, saying, “You made your bed, you lie in it.”)
Mind you, I have engaged in the dynamic John D. describes in other relationships; even with the insight he describes, the behavior of lashing out (and being lashed at in return) still sometimes occurs, and it has cost me women who were dear to me and who, indeed, I loved. I regret that terribly.
But, despite the horrific personal cost in terms of heading to “the ward” and the general nightmare of divorce … while it sounds cruel to say, I don’t regret ending my marriage in the least.

marrige is a huge exercise in comprimise,something that I could never do very well at all.My relationship was the experience of two people having mental illness and two people that , at that time , were swimming in de-nile. at one point in our relationship, george was suffering from very heavy side effects of his meds, huge weight loss, parkinsonism, reduction in cognition. In effect he was completly incapassitated.We were scared , he more than me , but I jumped right in and tried to take complete care of him myself, work and deal with my out of control daughter. sufice it to say, we completly fell apart, the whole family did. We went to the shrink, I told him that I really thought that alot of this was from meds and that I was looseing it big time, we all decided on hospitalization. Both george and I felt defeated . It was a great help to george ( the staff on the unit were wonderful)his meds were changed and he improved a lot. I was completely depressed by this time , I hated my life , I hated myself and I wanted out. I found a way to make that happen, hurting everyone in the process. But by gods Grace all this disfunction has brought our funny family closer. It is not always the best thing to stay, but you have to let go of the bad feelings involved to move forward in a positive light. I believe any illness has a tendency to pull apart those involved. The feelings generated are complex, difficult to express and even more difficult to define. Without a great deal of help, the fear alone makes you want to escape. Those times of greatest challenge are the times when we ask for help less and need it the most.:)

I remember with great pain, the terrible things I said to my husband when my depression was at its deepest(so far). The husband and I are very alike, both dreadfully wounded at home (he says when he left home, he left it all behind, yeah, right). What I remember most was the look of bewilderment on his face as his wife unleashed a part of herself he had never seen. I did it to drive him away (or see if he would stay). He stayed, but withdrew from me so completely that it was as though he was gone. The bewildered look I saw, morphed into hostility and silence.
We both contributed to the problems in every area of our marriage because we were both under the misconception that we could change the other. It went on for years and I am so glad that I think we have both moved past that part of our lives.

I know that I am suffering a degree of depression, but because it is such a gradual process its difficult to say how depressed I really am. I just seem to go with the flow. I too have a tremendous need for escape, mainly for the sake of peace. My husband is inclined to speak very harshly to me most of the time, and is often very abusive, not really concerned if other people hear how he speaks to me. I have grown very resentful. I have started my own business and have to deal with a lot of stressful situations, also my mother is terminally ill and the pressure of her crying and fears is getting too much for me. I seem to be a buffer for everybady elses problems, including my grown up children. BUT, when I have a problem, there is nobody for me.
Reading all these blogs, make me wonder if I am actually depressed, or am I just fed up with everybody else nonsence. I really feel like forgetting about doing the right thing for them all, and just being selfish for a change. Selfish is what I will be called, but I gave them the best years of my life, surely the need for peace cannot be selfish. I do not want or need another partener, its purely to just have peace and quiet.

Babs:
“Yeah, right”?!?!?!?! You’ve got a little “Jersey Girl” in you after all
In all seriousness, the idea that spouses cannot ultimately change each other is perhaps the most important (and toughest to learn) lesson of all.

As i said the other day,at the risk of repeating myself, the only way you can effect change in someone else is by putting them in a position of HAVING to change the way they relate to you because you change the way you respond. A bit befuddled, but in essence, the way we change someone else is actually through changing OURSELVES, or at least our interaction with the other person! If I refuse to “play” anymore, you must either decide to play soliraire or choose a different passtime!

Ah, getting out of a relationship that is loving. My solution was suicide. Of course, I was too ill to see just how ill I was. Thanks be the loving spouse was there. Amazingly though, I still have times when I am angry at my husband for not letting me die. How sick is that! It is the point I’m trying to make. I’m dealing with a brain illness, not a spiritual one.

Lapatosu: I think being angry at being ‘saved” is a fairly typical reaction, not only, but especially for suicidal depressives. Remember that the object of suicide isn’t truly death, ut’s stopping the pain of living. who WOULDN’T be angry if their pln to stop the pain was thwarted? although my own brush with death wasn’t self-induced, I also fel some ager that I was rescued by my neighbors, the medics and the ER doc when I had my stroke! I didn’t WANT ro live as a “burden” and “duty to my son and sisters, nor did I have any desire to replace what had been a lifeof abundant giving Lspiritualy and emotionally primarily because I hadn’t any real funds to give away; teachers don’t tend to be overpaid } with what I saw as an empty shell or a parody of who i’d always been There are still mments three years after the fact when that anger surfaces. Maybe it IS a symptom of our sickness, but even so, I don’t find it shocking or atypical. Ease off of yourself a little. BTW, I see our “creative wiring” as BOTH a spiritual and a brain and a physical brain sickness; i’m not sure they can be separated.

(((lap)))

re: “I seem to be a buffer for everybady elses problems, including my grown up children. BUT, when I have a problem, there is nobody for me.
Reading all these blogs, make me wonder if I am actually depressed, or am I just fed up with everybody else nonsence. I really feel like forgetting about doing the right thing for them all, and just being selfish for a change. Selfish is what I will be called, but I gave them the best years of my life, surely the need for peace cannot be selfish. I do not want or need another partener, its purely to just have peace and quiet.”
Sometimes we have to put ourselves first.
hugz,
Cully

Wow, this was very powerful for me. I have SO been there. I remember the first time I went to my current therapist I said, everything is fair game, my marriage, my job, my house. I was willing to change all of it just to feel a little better. Then I finally finally realized (with her help, of course) that it was depression. Now we think it’s Bipolar II. All I can think of is wanting to escape. I guess it’s a gleam of hope better than suicide, I just want to get in the car and drive away, including from my 2 amazing beautiful young children, and stay for a long time until I am feeling better. Sometimes I don’t think I would even miss any of them.
AML

AML: It’s easy to believe you wouldn’t miss your children when you’re in the midst of the day-to-day struggle to stay out of the abyss, but I doubt that you would describe them as “amazing” if you weren’t pretty emotionally invested in them and their welfare. HANG IN THERE! Remember this: The problem with using driving away as a means to survive is that you of necessity have to take yourself WITH

yOU ALL must BE GETTING SICK OF MY SIDDENLY ABRUPT ENDINGS AND “…TO BE CONTINUEDS…

yOU ALL must BE GETTING SICK OF MYABRUPT ENDINGS AND “TO BE CONTINUED…”COMMENTS! Please forgive once again; eventually i’ll figure out what it is I’m doing to send my commrnts to post without consciously making that decision, moving my mouse arow and clicking on the “post” icon (Please forgive ONCE MORE! My point, AML, is that sibce you can’t leave your illness behind by driving off into the sunset (OH, would ythat we COULD!) All you would accomplish is creating a DIFFERENT set of frustrations and A DIFFERENT set of frustrations and daily challenges! The ones you deal with currently may seem impossible, but at least you KNOW them, and don’t suppose for a minute that the “NEW” ones wouldn’t create as many difficulties for you. If it coyld be done, the highways would be even more logjammed than they usually are, because we’d ALL be geading for a “better place.” It’s good tht you’re working with a therapist; DON’T GIVE UP! oNE fairly new suggestion(new toME anyway )that I got from another site is to rgnk of youe illness as a person and understand that it’s the ILLNESS THAT IS MAKING LIFE SO DIFFICULT. uNFORTINATELY IT’S NOT LE A GUEST WHO’S OVER-STAYED HIS/HER WELCOME, SO YOU CAN’T JUST KICK HIM’HER OUT, BUT WITH THE HELP OF THE RIGHT THERAPIST, A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE AND THE “PHARMACOCKTAIL” THAT WORKS FOR YOU, YOU can MANAGE THIS THING. wE’RE ALL HERE TO HELP YOU IN WHATEVER WAYS WE CAN, INCLUDING PRAYER (As of today, you’ve been added to my personal list.) Those “amazing” children didn’t get amazing all by themselves; my guess is that they have a pretty “amazing” parent in you! Don’y give up the fight; they NEED you! YOU need you! Be good to yourself, but DOB’T give in! Look your illness dead in the eye and let in know that one way or another…some time or another…you’re going to kick it’s a–! You, your therapist and God together will make an unbeatable team! and as our friend WISDUM shared the other day, a three note chord is hard to break!