I joked about the woman in the gospel being bipolar only because I can't imagine the patience it takes to live with a manic-depression. Anna Bishop, James's wife (from "Finding Optimism") has written five outstanding posts on what it's like to be a passenger on the roller coaster ride of a marriage in which one or both persons are diagnosed as bipolar.
The following post is her fifth and final, called "Loving the Person You Care For."
The previous four are: "The Depression Dialog," "Know the Enemy," "Trigger Unhappy," and "Keeping Your Mind Together."
I’ve written a lot about being a carer in my last 4 posts, but in this one I’d like to share with you the book that really saved my own sanity. It is “Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder” by Julie A. Fast and John D. Preston.In the first few months after James’ diagnosis I read a lot of material to educate myself. The problem was that most of it was factual information on depression and bipolar, but it didn’t tell me how to manage practical things like James’ irritability. The info simply described the symptom without ideas for its management.
From pages 1 to 2: “This book can provide you with the tools you need to be a resource and support for your partner instead of a crisis manager and constant caretaker.” This is exactly what I needed!
The book was written specifically for carers. Julie Fast has bipolar disorder, as does her partner of 10 years, and the result is a book with real insight.
At its heart is the idea of creating a holistic treatment plan.
The first aim is to develop a symptom list that you can use to identify when your partner’s behavior starts to change. Once that has been worked out the second aim is to create a “what works list” to treat those symptoms before they progress to a full blown episode. The third step is to work out what triggers the symptoms in the first place. These are often outside events, situations or behaviors that once modified or eliminated really make your partner far more stable. Once you understand the triggers well, then the goal is to stop the mood swing from starting in the first place. If it does start then the “what works list” comes into play.
Of course this strategy requires recording your partner’s behavior over time e.g. by keeping a journal.
The rest of the book focuses on the needs of the carer. (Obviously your partner achieving greater stability is already a significant help).
The chapter on “Your Emotional Response” starts you on the road of looking after your own needs. It discusses issues like anger, grief, guilt and feeling trapped. For me, it was almost a springboard for seeing a counselor.
The chapters on work, money and sex cover practical issues that cause distress. They were all helpful chapters, but for me the chapter “The Hard Truths” had more impact. This chapter really lays it on the line and forces you to face the reality of your relationship. Are you prepared to stay with your partner if things don’t change? Tough reading.
My favorite chapter is “The Bipolar Conversation”, which teaches you how to avoid pointless fights when you partner is baiting you. The book ends with “Laughter and Joy”, an inspiration to leading a normal life again. From this I learned to structure in happy times in our lives.
A brilliant book. It may be about bipolar, but the application is much wider and relevant to all mood disorders. It would greatly help any carer living with a depressed partner.
Here is the link to the book on Amazon (not an affiliate link).
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I am a firm beliver in God and Jesus , I hold true to ask and you shall receive, Knock and the door shall be open, beleive in God and he will work in you, there are so many more I've heard and know this is all true. I have had many mircles in my life to know this , but I have been told I am suffering depression. no lable on me yet only as depressed. I have been for many years now on one trype od med or another for this didorder. I thank God I have very good days sometimes.I don't have any answers for anyone, don't seem to be able to help my self. but I can relate to Susan in many ways . However the Phyc Dr. didn't help me at all, conceller a little, as far as self asteem, but still I wound up in a treatment center two times in 2007. changed my med's and it helped only a short while. I don't know if the Dr's don't know if it is just depression or bipolor or just what, But I keep praying that God will take care of this problem i have. It is a very sad,very low emotions, don't have friends , I run them all away from me, my husband doesn't understand me anymore, and it is a very lonely down life, no oom for happiness. I know how it feels . I want out. I want to laugh again to have my husband back to the way we were,to feel good about myself. to just have a drive to want to do something would be good too. keep me in all your prayers I don't know where I am headed, I've lost my last two jobs because of all this, not much money to go to Dr's or for med's now getting harder to cope with it all.
thanks
Becca
BECCA
YOU SOUND LIKE A VERY STRONG BUT YET CONFUSED PERSON AND I DO UNDERSTAND 100% WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND I PROBABLY DO NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWER'S EITHER BUT I DO PRAY ALOT AND I STAY IN MY OWN LITTLE WORLD INSIDE MY MIND ALOT AND I WONDER IF ANYTHING CAN HELP ME OUT OF THIS STATE OF MIND, HOWEVER, I DO BELIEVE THAT FINDING THIS SITE AND BEING ABLE TO TALK TO PEOPLE WHOM I BELIEVE CAN FINALLY RELATE TO HOW I FEEL AND FEEL ALOT LIKE I DO HELPS A WHOLE LOT. THINGS HAVE NOT CHANGED AROUND HERE MY HUSBAND IS STILL STAND OFFISH TOWARDS ME AND MY SON STILL YELL'S AND BACK TALK'S ME EVERY CHANCE HE GETS (HE IS 6 YEARS OLD) AND I FEEL SO ALONE SO MUCH OF THE DAY AND I AM JUST ABOUT TO GET READY AND PACK MY BAGS AND LEAVE AND I DONT KNOW WHERE I WILL GO NOR DO I KNOW WHERE I WILL END UP BUT I DO KNOW I AM NOT MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY ABLE TO DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION MUCH LONGER. YOU SEE I AM NOT ONLY BEEN DIGNOISED WITH BYPOLAR BUT ALSO WITH A COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR DISORDER AND THEY HAVE TRIED TO MAKE ME START TAKING THE DRUG SEQILL WHICH I BELIEVE MAKES ME CRAZY AND BECOME SOME SORTA ZOBIE AND I DONT LIKE THAT BECAUSE THAT IS NOT MY PERSONALITY AT ALL I ONLY LIKE THAT DRUG WHEN I WANT TO GET SOME SLEEP BECAUSE THE MINUTE YOU TAKE IT YOU WILL BE FAST ASLEEP WITHIN 10 MIN. AND THEY GAVE ME THAT DRUG BECAUSE I HAVE HAD A PROBLEM WITH PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION I ABUSED IT SOMETHING HORRIBLE, I WAS ADDICTED TO XANAX. ADAPECKS AND HYDROCODINE UNTIL AS YOU PROBABLY HAVE ALREADY READ, IT ALMOST KILLED ME WHEN I GOT DOWN TO 98 LBS AND I USE TO WEIGH 187 LBS BUT NOW I AM DOING BETTER I HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EAT AGAIN AND I HAVE GAIN WHAT I THOUGHT WAS 20 POUNDS OR SO BUT ONLY TO BE TOLD BY MY HUSBAND I HAD NOT GAINED THAT MUCH WEIGHT THAT I STILL NEEDED TO GAIN 20 OR 30 POUNDS AND I DONT WANT TO DO THAT BECAUSE I HAVE ISSUE'S WITH BEING FAT BECAUSE WHEN I WAS A SMALL CHILD UP UNTIL MY AGE NOW I HAD BEEN CALLED FAT AND UGLY BY MY DAD AND I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MANY DIETS AND SELF HARM TO MY BODY WITH DIET PILLS UNTIL I LET IT GET OUT OF CONTROL THIS PAST OCTOBER AND I BECAME A SURE ENOUGH ANEREXIC OR HOWEVER YOU SPELL IT? BUT I LET MY MIND TAKE OVER MY BODY AND TELL MY MIND THAT I WAS FAT AT EVEN 98 LBS AND I STAND 5 FT 3 IN SO YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT I LOOKED LIKE AND I STILL CAN NOT CONTROL MY MIND ALL THE WAY IN THAT AREA AND NOW I AM HAVING TROUBLES CONTROLING MY MIND ABOUT THIS LONELINESS BUT I AM SEARCHING EVERY DAY FOR READING MATERIALS AND OTHER THINGS TO SEE IF I AM REALLY THE ONE WHO IS NORMAL AND THEY ARE ALL CRAZY HA/HA/. BUT IN THE MEANTIME I HAVE ENJOYED THIS SITE AND I BELIEVE GOD HAS SENT IT TO ME TO COMMUNICATE WITH OTHERS ABOUT THIS DIRORDER AND ALSO TO HELP ANYONE WHO IS GOING THROUGH IT AS A FRIEND WITH AN OPEN MIND AND WILLING EAR AND THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING. SO IF YOU NEED TO JUST VENT AND TALK YOU CAN RESPOND BECAUSE I CHECK THIS SITE ALL DAY LONG EVERY DAY AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND I UNDERSTAND YOUR WANTING TO JUST GIVE UP BUT DONT!!!! WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU AND WE ALL UNDERSTAND YOUR EMOTIONAL ROLLAR COATER YOU ARE RIDING WE ARE ON THE SAME ROLLAR COASTER... SO DONT HESITATE TO TALK WE ARE HERE!!!
SUSAN
Sadly -- or perhpas appropriately -- my job is to help folks like us. Surprise! I can spot the phonies a mile away, especially by phone! It is truly amazing what this insight brings to me... and to my job. Yet few, if any, know.
No, I'm not a counseller nor anything of the sort. I simply work for a non-profit agency that provides transportation for medical appointments. Yet, I get to hear all the stories. Many go by the wayside as I can spot them (so to speak) a mile away, but we still provide the service if and when we can do so.
To the guy who started out with "I have cancer and I'm dying" -- you're a liar. No one begins a conversation in such a way. (Hint -- don't call me again; we have folks with real problems.) To the woman who began with "my son cannot receive services from anyone else" -- you (and your son) are on notice; we will attempt to provide service until and unless problems arise. You must first attempt to help yourself, and neither of you have done so.
All cynicysm aside, ask and you shall receive. Deceive and you will not.
Look within yourself to find the hope and the will to go on. If God means for it to be, you will find it.
T
I can only share from my experience with being Bi-polar myself. I am so grateful to know that I have a decease that can be treated with the proper medication. I suffered years, with alcohol and drugs, in and out of relationships, marriage and a path of destruction. I was depending on people to love me, because I knew nothing about loving me. My bottom with this was my bottom. Today, I have been married for 20 years. I am on meds for my Bi-Polar.When I don't take them or they get out of balance, people know (husband and others in my life. I have had to learn to be responsible for my decease. I must eat right, take care of myself emotionally, mentally and Spritually. I still get depressed and I still have bad days even with meds. The only difference is today, I have people who love me and by the way, I love me today. Not only my husband. I had to let others into my life. I have to go to support groups and in the beginning to a counselor. My support family loves me inspite of me.( A few family members). This is what I have searched for my entire life. I needed to learn to love me, inspite of my disabilities. Self-pity, for me is a destruction tool for me. I can not afford to allow myself to wallow in it for too long. I know where this force of negative thinking will lead me. I leave myself notes in my house, for encouragement, daily meditation, prayer, smudging and communication with others. It is hard, but I am doing it. God didn't make no junk, so I refuse to let anyone say that to me or to treat me in disrepect. I am a person with a mental disorder. I am just grateful today, to know that I can get help for it. This disorder is another process on life's journey. I have a choice, always a choice, to let this disease get me or I will take control of it. I want to live, and to enjoy my life, I am enjoying my life with the help of God and others.
Hello,
This is my first time on this site. I have been diagnosed as "possible bipolar," but I believe that I am. I experienced a head injury some years back that attributed to it. Now, as I am going through menopause, the symptoms of the disease are at their max.
I have gone through the gamet of coping mechanisms. My depression seems to be related to the cyclic change of the menstrual/hormonal cycle. One moment I can be fine, the next...quite irritable and then sinking into depression. Once the full force of the depression hits, it is very difficult to come out of it. It feels like walking off a cliff into an abyss. The depression is a dark, scary and very lonely place. Often, I resort to medicating and staying in the bed until it wears off and I get the strength to "return" to some sort of normal living.
I have supportive friends, doctor, church, but my immediate family, my husband and son are much less supportive, if any. My son has a diagnosed mental illness, which requires all of his strength and ours too to help him cope. That wears me out. My husband, a person who is less emotionally supportive on a good day, is reclusive. He loves me, I know, but he has no idea how to help me to calm down and relax even though we have been married 30+ years. His hiding out in his world of t.v. and computer alienates me even further. It is then that I feel most unloved, rejected and hopeless.
I am slowly getting better as now I want to socialize more and try to be healthy by watching what I eat and trying to resume my weekly aerobics class, going to church more and seeing friends. That is very hard to do when I am depressed though. I too have alienated friends and family, and it is such a miserable and desperate feeling when that happens because of all people, we need our friends and family so much.
Church is a life-saver. Staying connected to God and asking for His help in prayer and bible reading helps me so much. I have to stick with it though, or the depression can steal this away as well.
Medication for this disease is very hard to pinpoint. I am on an SSRI, which I have been on for years, and it does seem to help, but is not the answer in full. I also take a benzodiazapene for emergency anxiety and sleep. I have tried conventional bipolar medications, but have been so deluged by the side-effects that my health began to sink like a big ship. I had to go off of the last one because the side effects were so bad. I resist starting new treatment now.
I feel like counseling will help me, and I am considering re-initiating that soon while I am still able to make the decision to do it. I really feel better when someone talks to me and "is on my side" as I have heard others say here.
A recommendation to those who need pointers: Don't seclude yourself if at all possible. Try to get out several days a week. Keep in touch with friends. Keep your doctor's appointments. Fill your mind with positive thoughts. Avoid exposure to violent, depressive, or sad t.v or movies. Try to keep yourself on a schedule of wakng and sleeping, and try to keep that schedule with eating as well. Be good to yourself if possible by treating yourself to an ocassional massage or pedicure, or night out. If you find your mind running in a rut of depressive thinking, try to switch gears and change your thoughts purposefully. Seek out friends who are supportive. Take your medicines, but if they don't work, talk to your doctor and keeping going back until you find something that does work for you.
To the person who had the audactiy to judge the "fakes" on this site: I would not wish this mental illness or any other disease on you, but you should be careful how you talk to people, especially the ill, frail, small, old or helpless. You may find yourself in the same shoes someday. Also, I fail to see how "driving" a bus that provides transportation to handicapped people can give you the credentials to speak as one with authority to judge. Save your judgements for your fellow bus drivers.
To everyone else, thank you for sharing, listening, and have a good day.
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