My good friend, Sue, celebrates 55 years of marriage today. I asked her what, more than anything else, kept her and her husband together for so long.
"Compromise," she said. "And friendship."
"Oh, thank God," I replied, "I thought you were going to say ‘hot, steamy sex,’ and then I’d be in knee-high animal waste."
I need people like Sue to remind me of how marriage really works, of what you really need to be able to go out to dinner with the same mate five decades later.
Throw out infatuation. Throw out common interests. Throw out chemistry (for the most part). Throw out basically everything the media feeds us on what a relationship between a man and a woman should look like: the head rush, adrenaline, savage sex, chivalry, and the excitement and easiness of it all.
If I’ve learned anything from the marriage experts, it’s this: if you want to stay married, you have to work at your marriage like every other aspect of your life. You have to communicate and compromise. You have to bite your lip when you want to cuss, and you’ve got to be kind when you don’t want to.
Beyond Blue reader Peg, who has been married for more than 40 years, wrote this on the message board of my "Stay or Leave?" post:
Marriage is a discipline like any other discipline taken seriously (i.e., sports, dance, etc.) and each day I have to work at it. My Catholic faith keeps me going against the odds society gives us these days. I had to look deep into myself to realize my own shortcomings that contributed and contribute to a good relationship.
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Cindy:When my ex finally moved out (at my oinsistance when he refused too give up his affair...I left the choice to him, simply stated that he had to MAKE one because I wasn't going to continue to live that way it was both liberating and scary as h--l! Although it was three years and yet ANOTHER mistress before we divorced(As members (he a pasrtor of the Church of Christ, divorce wasn't something I wanted to file foreven though i was the one who had Biblical grounds as stated in Mark because I had remained 100% faithful to him in spite of his behavior and the interest of a former boyfriend in rekindling our relationship. I fibally saw an attorney to find out what my rights were in terms of our joint financial responsibilities and ended up suing him for "separate maintenance, which I was awatded. Interestingly enough, my ex's response was to counter sue for divorce, something he had claimed he simply COULDN'T do because he had no Biblical grounds (Evidently his bank balance persuade him where I had been unsuccessful!) We had been physically but not legally separated for monthsby this time and it ended up being threeYEARS before we were actually divorced. (Michigan is a no-fault divorce state and so the courts are VERY backlogged.) During this time I remained in our home, desperately tring to meet the mortgage/upkeep expenses so that my son wouldn't have to face yet ANOTHER loss (He wasn't by my husband; we were a "blended family, each with a son when we wed. In the same six month period, my child had faced the deaths of both his biological father and my mother as well as losing his stepfather and stepbrother to our failed marriage and I was DETERMINED that he not have to lose his home and high school as well (Or community had two high schoolsand my boy was a well-established athlete at the one he had been attending. On hindsight, that probably wasn't the most prosaic stance to take as I eventually lost the house due to my inability to meet the expenses on my own in a timely manner, but at least my guy was able to graduate with his class before that happened! I tell you all of this so that you'll know that he separation is only the BEGINNING
Once again a continuation is necessary (please orgive) I was saying that the sepration is only the BEGINNING of thelong ugly road to the death of a marriage, although I realize laws and timelines differ from state to state. My advice to you is THIS: if you truly feel that wyou need to let your husband go, DO IT! Living in an intolerable relationship simply isn't worth the pain, and it's surprising, but you really DO survive! Once my ex was gone I felt lonely, but there was also a tremendous feeling of relief that it was over! I was able to begin to make the house "mine" by painting, wallpapering and rearranging furniture in ways he wouldn't have agreed with and I no longer had the added pressures of wondering when(if) he would be coming home at the end of every day or the frustration of still desiring our sexual relationship to continue despite his infidelities (Ir was SO hard to set that boundary when he was still crawling in on the other side of the bed each night even though I knew I was risking possible disease and inevitable emotional pain One mistake I DID makre was continuing to "see" him throughout the separation; I now know that "cold trkey would have been a much easier way to go, especially since it was going to happen eventually anyway. try and focus on your OWN likes for a change, both in terms of your physical environs and pehaps returning to interests you had before you were a couple that your marriage ended because he didn't have the same interests. Go back to old volunteer work, take a class or two at the adult ed program in your public school system, meet new people and ABOVE ALL, continue to explore support groups/counseling for your illness. You'll be AMAZED at how your life can become fulfilling once again once you start catering to your own particular wants and needs! Be prepared to face the stages of grief, because (IMHO) divorce is a kind of death...of hopes, dreams, a belonging..and the stages are similar if not identical. But bever doubt that you can and will get through them, quite likely better off than you were living with a dying relationship. I didn't walk out of the courtroom happy to be divorced, for sure, but it didn't take too long for the rational part of my psyche to understand that I was better off without the daily emotional upheaval of "waiting for the other shoe to drop". No one can flourish in an environment where they aren't emnraced for who they are and validated as a wrthwhile individual. So make it a point to "mother" yourself by affirmng your positive qualaties and indulging yourself a little. Celebrate the fact that compromise doesn't have to be your watchword any longer! It will feel strange at first, because you probably aren't used to being good to yourself( Most of us aren't), but it will also be very LIBERATING! LIKE Larry, I've yet to develop an interest in dating again, but I HAVE reconnected with pre-marriage friends(both male and female) and have found that to be validating as well. I play nore frequent games of trivia, Scrabble and Boggle (the only games my ex was into were emotional ones)and have rediscovered my love for reading and the restorative powers of journaling, both things that I had actively pursued before my mattiage but which had gotten lost in the demands of married life. I have also rediscovered that I CAN be contented without a man to link my arm with, maybe not totally HAPPY, but at least content, and there's something to say for that. I cook MY favorite meals, go to bed when I"M ready and choose what movies I want to attendand in the process have begun to rediscover the Margaret I was prior to the disastrous years of being unappreciated, walked on and hurt. i've also learned to listen to the inner voice I used to heed but stopped listening to and have rediscovered that it's usually right! that's why i'm advising you to "go with your gut" If you're feeling like you need to let him go, there's a REASON for that and it just might be self-preservation!
I don't know if any of you are familiar with a site called marriagebuilders-dot-com but you might check it out. It is a comprehensive theory and outline for marriage designed by Dr. Willard Harley.
There are a few fixed rules, like no acted-out anger or unkindness toward one another, ever. If you can't say something without being unkind or harsh, take a walk until you cool down. Also, the policy of joint agreement instead of compromise. A couple agrees to take no action without joyful agreement of both parties - no power struggles, no grudging assent, which, like expressed anger, eventually kills love.
Powerful stuff. If your mate is unwilling to even experiment with the program, that should tell you something.
Margaret:
For the record, I'm not dating right now either.
2/3 because I need to get my life together financially and otherwise, 1/3 because I still have a bit of a broken heart from / torch for my last girlfriend :-(
I know just how you feel. I have acute Fibromylgia and I hurt from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet 24-7. Just like you I have lost any desire for sex but my husband just does not get it.
I hate that I have to say no so much, but it is just more pain for me and it takes all my energy out of me.
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