Dear God: On Patience and Unknowing

Well, I'm glad to read these words and take a moment to consider my plight. I am 60 and just retired. I'm used to being able to provide $ or goods or services when my family needs it. Now, that the income is reducted, I have had to tighten my belt and can't just 'write a check' I'm having to redefine myself.I'm adrift - but only in a corner of my mind. The decision to retire was a good one. I'm writing a new book and addressing the transition to retiree. I'm exercising regularly and I'm far, far healthier, physically and spiritually. But emotionally, I'm impatient and frustrated that I haven't gained this new plateau of wisdom and discernment. I can't bring my brother back to life and when I hear from my sister-in-law I have a sadness that just clouds the entire day. She's doing great and remarried. But I still miss Marty. I know I always will. But doggone it, having to celebrate Christmas without him is not easy. Part of me wants to break something and yell and then cry. I'm patient - up to a point. But, God knows, I'm not a patient patient.
Shoot. I think I had better get a grip and regroup. I'm going to think of something positive to do - for someone else. This pity party sucks.
Frank,

**My verbs are active, but I have way too many clauses.**

There's my writing style right there. And perhaps my living style as well.

I know I'm an impatient person, but even I didn't realize quite how impatient until I figured out recently that I had moved 18 times in 17 years (including bouncebacks to parents' houses). OUCH!

That's why, when eviction was threatening in New Brunswick, I was just about prepared to barricade my apartment (I'd just stock up on food and water, and hey, doxie detritus could be flushed down the toilet, right?) and force the police to carry me out.

That wouldn't have been the right answer either, of course, but it does say that I've realized (way too late) the limits of the geographic cure. And that I'm trying, just a bit, to live more in the moment.

It's tough for us, though. And it gets back, I think, to the questions of others' stigma and our own "reframing" that we've discussed so many times on BB before.

Because when you're surrounded by people telling you you aren't normal or are crazy, it takes a tough person not to believe it. And not go back to a time when you seemingly were normal and not crazy, and think about both the good times and, perhaps (against all logic of depression being a biological disease) what you could have done to prevent it.

The way to reframe, of course, is that we're people with problems -- just like we were before our diagnoses, and just like everyone else in the world is. But it takes a strong, strong person to keep that mindset.

RE: Barbara Erwin, December 17,12:29PM

I, too an a stroke survivor, so I can truly relate to your struggle. I, however, retained all speech ability, experiencing insted limited movement in my left leg and NO movement in my left arm or hand. Being patient is in many an enforced way of life now since I must wait for others to do for me. i'm sorry you continue to experience ministrokes; i've been blessed in the absence f them so far despite the fact that I resumed my smoking habit once I was(FINALLY) allowed to return ome. I don't understand how they keep you from seeking God's patience, however. IMHO, life "post-morbid(the medical terminology for after a stroke) allows for little else BUT patience. nevertheless, barbara, as I know each survivor's experience is different, I will add you to my B>B. prayer list and petition God on your behalf. Since you're five years further into the recovery process than I, perhaps I'm just not where you are yet. Try to keep in mind that we have little control over how others will remember us in spite of how we live our lives; those we leave behind will remember whatthey choose. Even the MOST patient person has had moments in life whens/he has fallen short, and if those are the moments people choose to remember, we can't change that. If we include a many kind and loving moments in our lives as we are able, we can only pray that those will be the memoties they choose to keep alive in their hearts. My guess is that since you have a desire to be remembered as kind and loving, there have been some of those times in your dealings with others. If you can keep kind and loving in play but not patience, hey! "two out of three ain't bad!"Sometimes we can try too hard and end up becoming our own worst enemy by not just allowing ourselves to BE!
Is that perhaps the message/lesson God would have you to learn at this point in time, to surrender to him and just BE? I KNOW THAT'S HARD, i STRUGGLE WITH IT MYSELF, BUT i'VE SORT OF FIGURED OUT THAT UNLESS I learn whatever lesson he wants me to, he'll keep presenting it to me over and over until I DO learn it and He can then move on to the next thing I need to learn(and believe me, as a "work in progress, there are still MANY lessons I must master before He's "finished" with me!. I personally think that christ's "It is finished" comment when He died on the cross was an acknowledgement that He had not only done all He had to do, but learned everything He was meant to learn from his time here on Earth as well.

I had stuff dissapper too! But in my case it's clearly understandable (I dance on the edge of the abyss of their Rules of Conduct) On the other hand, I know that is you post other internet URL's they very often will not pass through ... I now just mention where you can find it, usually on youtube, great place for music and video.

Now it's very ironic for doctors...if they have no patients, they make no money ... and when they go on vacation, they don't want anybody to know who they are so they don't get any patients. Then if they are good doctors the patients become impatient waiting in the dam office for two hours!... dammit! I relly get pissed off when Im there and some young person comes in...I say "What the hell are you doing hear? We're all old! You are supposed to still be healthy! And you don't make us feel any better either!"

LUV 2 ALL
Wisdum

Frank, I posted on either Saturday or Sunday following another poster's comments, and both his and mine disappeared, too. Something weird is interfering in the process.
Posted by: Babs | December 17, 2007 2:14 PM

Babs:
There's a general bug in Bnet's comboxes, Rod Dreher just announced on his blog, Crunchy Con.
Posted by: Larry Parker | December 17, 2007 3:05 PM

Frank, Babs, Larry... whewww, am I glad I saw your posts... I was beginning to think I was loosing my mind
what??? what mind?

Re -Cully | December 17, 2007 5:38 PM

To be a fool for God would be, will be, is so rewarding.
love and hugz,
Cully

Be a fool for God ? ... I turned that into an art form (now if I can only figure a Way to get paid for it !) ... (you ALL know that I am the world famous "Toothless Old Fool On The Hill", that the Beatles sung about ... right ?) I'm Way beyond all this organized religious BS, and am into only God's sense of humor (which nobody thinks in one dam bit funny, but God ... and Me!)

LUV 2 U / LUV 2 ALL
Wisdum

re:Be a fool for God ? ... I turned that into an art form (now if I can only figure a Way to get paid for it !) ...
Posted by: Wisdum | December 17, 2007 5:55 PM

oh Wisdum, we Do get paid for it, everyday in all kinds of ways that make us smile, and chuckle and just say "Wow"... like me having you for a friend, and all of being here together.
I took a picture this afternoon and am going to post it on my site - come look!
Cully

Re: Kay, December 18, 4:58AM

Hey, Kay, Welcome back! I'm so sorry you've been lost in the abyss for awhile and am glad you've managed to surface long enough to pass on your friend's wise words I like that so much better than the old adage that "if you think tou're crazy you aren't because crazy people don't know they are" Your friend's version is so less demeaning! :-)

Your whole post today is very ZEN, I love the whole philosophy and it takes a life time to master these concepts. I bet Jesus meditated and had a buddist nature. :)

To say Jesus had a buddist nature is completely adverse to his God/Man nature, especially since He ultimately "emptied himself" for our sins. Buddhism is a turning inward and a concentration of 'self'. Jesus may have been meditative, but I'm sure he wasn't thinking philosophically about his own self-actualization, but rather upon the task of saving all of mankind from Satan's grasp upon the earth.
That was the whole point of him dying on the cross. This is a good example of how people try to intermingle Buddhism, Hinduism, New Age and other "isms" with the Christian faith.
Redemptive suffering is what distinguishes Christianity from all the other "isms".
Just food for thought.....

The buddist path requires one to detach and let go of all outcomes and live in the moment being open to things as they are happening. No judgement, no attachment just being. I do believe Christ was a perfect example of these things. He lived a meditative life extending himself to the moment and to the universe as a servent for betterment. Just Food for thought! :)

Maybe in the eyes of GOD, christ and buddah were the same. We all are , in fact, children of god. IMHO of course. Even more food for thought!