Having grown up in Catholicism and transformed into … when asked what “I am” in reference to religion and spirituality I tell people these days to just call me “Jeff,” I feel obligated to explain to my 12 year old daughter the roots of what we are celebrating as we open “Christmas” presents.
After the story of Joseph Mary and the stable I explain that the lengthenning of the days after the solstice has atracted a number of celebrations over the millenium. And we discuss the hope that comes with the returning of the light (to be followed eventually by the returning of the heat!). This is a hope that is echoed in the wishes we have when we are at our lowest. For there would be NO sense of being alone if we did not also have a sense of being cared for and loved. It is this memory of light and love which enables us to recognize what we need and hold to it when it arrives again. As we have heard so many times from those with near death experience, move toward the light, however you define it.
Jeff

Therese:
Marci sounds like “R.” from my life … (sigh)
Stars are the light in the darkness — and they are often lost to us when we are in the fog of depression (or just big-city life) — but we also must caution ourselves what they are leading us to.
Do they lead to baby Jesus? Do they lead to the true path of how to live a life in Jesus’ footprints? (No offense to non-Christians; Jesus being a prophet even if you do not consider Christ divine.)
Or do they lead to something harsher, to brutal justice rather than mercy — the Slaughter of the Innocents, in the wholly unintentional case of the Magi — as this song from a famous musical also illustrates … (HTTP://)
http://www.lyricsdownload.com/miserables-les-stars-lyrics.html

Stars have been special to me for a long time. I remember laying on the ground as a child, looking at the stars, hoping to “catch a falling star”…
I remember singing the song with my Daddy: “Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Never let it fade away. Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Save it for a rainy day.”
Much later in life, I read “The Little Prince” by Antoine de Saint Exupery, which gifted me with a new way to see those I’d lost in the stars…
The stars are there OK… and I guess they can portend good times and/or bad times…
But I love imagining stars as a symbol that we are led by the Light — whether or not it is visible at any given time. I love the stars as a symbol of Hope.
There is another song with lyrics that are meaningful to me:
Every long lost dream led me to where You are.
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into Your loving arms.
This much I know is true:
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to You.
linda-marie

I should pull out my dusty Meister Eckhart book because I’m very moved by this post and your exploration of this idea:
“Like Meister Eckhart articulated, the irony of light is that it depends on darkness to be shown. In other words, light is invisible in light. So, in our deepest depression, we are, in fact, closest to hope.”
So here’s the deal: I believe this. It makes sense to my emotional and spiritual intelligence. Also, in really bleak times in my past, I have been surprised and comforted by something Other.
But right now I just don’t have any energy to believe that the light will come again. I make motions in my life, but it all feels so dissociated and hollow.
When you are bone-tired from depression or life or whatever, how are you supposed to admire the light? The most I can muster is anger at the light for letting me down so much.
Anyway, sorry to be a downer. I am very moved by what you wrote. And I liked Jeff’s plan for explaining the return of hope to his daughter. We do a version of that here to our daughter.

Cathy,
I have gone through periods like you are describing. I am doing my best not to descend into a depressive episode right now.
But what I hold onto in those times of darkness is that even though I don’t think the Light will ever come again, I know that when I’ve felt that way before, the Light has always shown again.
I hate it so much, but sometimes we just have to wait for the clouds to pass by, I guess.
Hang in there.
linda-marie

I love the way John of the Cross ends his poem, Songs of the Soul,
I lost myself. Forgot myself.
I lay my face against the Beloved’s face.
Everything fell away and I left myself behind,
Abandoning my cares
Among the lillies, forgotten.
(Translated by Mirabi Starr)

Cathy:
I have to say, even in my skepticism, I don’t think I’ve ever cursed the light (the Light) for “letting me down.”
I’ve either cursed the darkness I stumble through for its lack of light (depression) — or, when conscious enough during mania, feared that the light was leading me in a monstrous direction, a la Javert.

larry i can relate to what you said i hate the darkness that comes with depression,because i know its always dark befor its light and with light darkness is always lurking around the corner.but as long as there is light there is hope of a new day.

How I needed this particular post today! In the past few days I have found myself on that self-propelled tobaggon which slides down the slippery slope of the (dark) abyss and have so longed for a little light to focus on. Today’s post and all of your responses IS that speck of light, and I am grateful. Maybe tonight my dreams will not be those nightmarish ones which have been coming to me of late. Maybe i’ll even find a DREAMLESS sleep! Thank you all! I really DON’T want to find myself curled in a fetal position next to the snakes in the bottom of the pit. This discussion is enabling me to reach out to our Father in prayer for deliverance ONE MORE TIME!!! Yesterday I couldn’t find the inner wherewithal to do that.

I want to thank you for writing that because it helps when I don’t seem to see any light. I know the world is full of us who are lost and don’t see the light,. It’s their just look exta hard when times are extra hard and the light will show.
GOD BLESS ALL

I too have suffered from depression. I wanted to change who I was because I was unhappy with myself, but when I got rid of those traits I was empty. I wasn’t praying until the emptiness took me all the way down. One thing I found out in refilling, was to pray for discernment. When I first began I had a really hard time. When you open yourself to walk with spirits, you walk with them all. My Light was the nurturing warmth of the Spirit, who guided me on the path back to wholeness.

Thanks for this posting. I suffer from depression and SAD so light is my friend and darkness in my enemy(sometimes). Ithepls me to use my lite box when I am blue.

I suffer from depression and post traumatic stress, I have been through alot for the past three years. I has trusted someone I should of NEVER trusted. Well..needless to say, I have lost my children because of it. My babies were stolen from me from a state and their “power and authority”, even tho I have done everything asked, requested of me and then some! I still lost my babies and the “state” has hurt them far worse than I can imagine let anyone else ever could, if I were to explain. So…the realization that I will never see them or hold them or tell them that it wasn’t their fault, has finally hit me today, and that this “friend” was a wolf in sheep clothing. This site and the letters and everything that is written, has helped me to go to the light. I am in such a dark place right now. God Bless and keep searching for the light!

Joanne,
As a mother I can only IMAGINE how depressing it would be to lose or have lost my son to ANYBODY!! At therisk of sounding platitudinous (Not sure if that’s a word or I’m inventing again…Wisdum will KILL me!)ty to remember that even during the darkest of times, God is still on His throne, and even the mighty opowers of the state are no match fopr Him. I married a wolf in sheep’s clothing, so I know how that kind of betrayal feels too. I will include you in my prayers; your children as well…hopefully they’re at least TOGETHER,right?

I would think that we celebrate Jesus on epiphany, as it was when the wise men brought gifts to give to Jesus, who is the light of the world. The light to shine for us to see our way to his father. The light to see how to live. Happy Epiphany.

re: “…the realization that I will never see them or hold them or tell them that it wasn’t their fault, has finally hit me today,”
Posted by: Joanne | January 5, 2008 12:59 PM
Joanne,
Don’t ever say “Never”… I’ll find you in the BB Group – let me help if I can.
love,
Cully

As I prepare my heart to teach Sunday school tomorrow I will have so much more passion as I teach the children about the feast of the Epiphany. I just thought the poem was beautiful. Thank you Therese.

(((Joanne)))
BTW, Cully was deadly serious about helping you. As we say in New Jersey, she “knows people.”
(A little levity, but I promise I’m not kidding — I would not kid you about something so serious as unfairly losing custody of your dear children.)

Isaiah uses the metaphore of light often to refer to Yahweh, New Testament authors often use these references as prophecies about Christ. Christ is very often refered to as the light, or the true light. In my deepest darkness I turned to Him, Christ, and He comforted me. But sometimes I had to make light. Like our ancients, I had to work in the darkness,when the skys were black, blindly rubbing two sticks together, flint and steel, something, anything to make fire, sometimes that fire was anger, better to be angry than dead. paradoxically sometimes the fire started with sobbing, flames glistening off the tears, better to be crying than dead. sometimes the fire was the flash of pain, letting myself feel it all, better to be hurting than dead. Sometimes it was looking for fire, putting one foot in front of the other, better to be moving than dead. But in the end it all came down to Christ wanting me to live, when I didn’t. He forbids killing, demands we live and love. “…and the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.”
And no matter how I planned my ending, there would always be someone who would have to clean up my mess. I thought of them.
No matter how much we lose or how we screw up or how much we are hurt, we still remain human, and to be human is a good thing, we always have value.
They say God never gives you more than you can handle…. B— S—, but he will always be with you, no matter what.

How do you not have a publishing contract, Mark? (I’m serious.)
If the problem is not knowing someone with contacts in the publishing world, as it is for most writers … well, actually, you do — our intrepid blogmistress.
PS — How good a writer are you? In one or two sentences, you sum up the paradox of all of my “wrestling with G-d” that I’ve spent untold pages on here on BB:
“They say God never gives you more than you can handle…. B— S—, but he will always be with you, no matter what.”
That’s something for me to chew on for the next few months or years.

Marquos, I echo Larry’s praise for your talents with the written word. In all my readong (and I read A LOT!) I have never read ANYTHING so descriptive of our individual searches and yearnings for a relationship with our Maker. As another, though far les gifted, would-be author, I take my hat off to you! (I have enough “…Thankyou very much, but…” forn letters to wall paper my bathroom if I should ever so desire!) The weird thing is that no matter WHAT TYPE OF MANUSCRIPT i SEND IN, IT “ISN’T RIGHT FOR THEIR FIRM.” Granted, they’re all fiction,(though two of the four based on fact) but the subject matterranges from growing up in a little midwestern village in the fifties to a tragic car accident that took the lives of my father’s parents, his only brother, his brother’s wife and HER parents and has resonated down through the generations to devastate all of our lives. (Two cousins were orphaned; it was the start of my father’s descent into alcoholisn, it TOTALLY marked MY life since I was six weeks from being born and my parents wereDETERMINED that I’d be a boy to “carry on the family name” so added to my birth order, it creatred a scapegoat who spent the first twelve years of her life trying to BE a boy! to the demise of a marriag due to infidelity to a young teenage couple from the sixties faking an accident and then running away because she was pregnant. How varied can one author BE? Perhaps my trouble is living in a primarily rural area with the nearest “real” cities being Chicago and Detroit, neither of which are big publishing centers. Perhaps it lies in my looking for an agent online rather than face to face, or perhaps it’s not my talent after all….take your pick! I certainly hope that YOU don’t become discouraged and quit trying to publish, my friend; it would be our loss!

P>S. to Larry: You’re certainly no akouch in the writing department, either, my friend. therehave been untold times when your descriptions of wrestling with G-d have hit me where i live!

I found a Gaelic poem/prayer that might fit here:
As the rain hides the stars,
As the autumn mist hides the hills,
As the clouds veil the blue of the sky,
So the dark happenings of my life
Hide the shining of Thy face from me.
Yet, if I may hold Thy hand in the darkness,
It is enough,
Since I know that, though I may stumble in my going,
You do not fall.

I thank you Margaret and Larry it is heartening to receive such compliments. I write mostly out of my brokeness and pain, as many do, blessings come from the darkness, He is there, as the beautiful poem from Linda Marie says. Today I am struggling just to make it from moment to moment, one of those days. I haven’t mustered up the courage to leave my apartment, missed work, my grandkids, all the things that make up my life. I don’t know why I do this, but there are days when i just refuse to do anything, i hole up. I always end up feeling terrible by the evening, but I do it anyway. Thanks for the kind words

Jesus Christ is the light of the world and as we keep our eyes on Him we shall come out of every darkness. Each time I am passing through a phase in my walk in Christ, the scripture about Jesus being the light comes to mind (john12:46).The problems that assail us each day especially from the part of the world I come from, we need Jesus to see us through. Therefore my friends hold on to Jesus the author and finisher of our faith.