The realization came to me that expectations of others has been the basis for my unsettledness far too often. “Just because someone doesn’t love you with all they have doesn’t mean they don’t love you.” (The way you wish.) “We didn’t do it that way in my family.” (Like THAT was etched in stone!) “Why did THEY think they could DO that?” (That eternal “they” = outside of “us.”) WHEN I can remember to observe and not feel I have to be sucked into the scene. Thanks for the reminder.

Your post about boundaries could not have been more timely. I have to learn to set appropriate limits for my 83-year-old mother, who has none. She has depression and severe anxiety, overlaid on narcissism. Nothing I do for her is ever enough. I speak to her for at least an hour every day to listen to her endless complaints and questions i can’t answer. (“My toe hurts, my antidepresant makes me dizzy, should i change, should i go off, i don’t know where to go for dinner, i want to meet a man…”). I spend one day a week with her, focusing on her needs and speak to her every night, but immediately after it’s as if I had done nothing. I’m starting to really dislike her. (Her shrink also told me, “I feel helpless. She won’t do anything I suggest…” and that’s a professional speaking.) She is a bottomless pit of need who won’t ever be filled. But I don’t want to devote my life to this impossible task.

The realization came to me that expectations of others has been the basis for my unsettledness far too often. “Just because someone doesn’t love you with all they have doesn’t mean they don’t love you.” (The way you wish.) “We didn’t do it that way in my family.” (Like THAT was etched in stone!) “Why did THEY think they could DO that?” (That eternal “they” = outside of “us.”) WHEN I can remember to observe and not feel I have to be sucked into the scene. Thanks for the reminder.

This discussion of boundaries and the video have caused me to stop in my tracks and think. The idea of locks being on the outside and controlled by others instead of on the inside where I can make the choice as to what comes in really made me take notice. Man! Now, I’m not saying that’s easy to do – but it is surely the right thing to do. And it crosses my mind that we we need to allow the good stuff in (such as self-esteem encouragement) and then lock the door before it can escape. Having hard copies of the encouraging words is smart, because it remains tangible and can be a touch stone.
And when it comes to boundaries, there needs to be a way to let the intruder know they’re not welcome when they try to bring a ‘virus’ into our personal turf. When the kids would do something that was disrespectful, it would really anger me. It would result in righteous indignation and loud words. But what I needed to do was just correct the inappropriate behavior with appropriate discipline and see that any disrespect was probably misperception – and even if it was true disrespect, it was only something that hurt my reputation (which is up or down – from moment to moment ((like fame)) and not something that could touch my character – which is a structure built from my daily conduct, one brick at a time.
Hope this makes sense. We are really special because of God – His creation. And I think He would applaud healthy boundaries so long as they don’t create walls behind we can’t reach out or be reached. And we’re surely smart enough to know the difference.
Blessings…
Frank,

This is very timely– I just wrote a post asking about deciding where to put one’s boundaries. None of it’s easy.

GOOD TOPIC – I AM GLAD THAT 3 YRS AGO I SET BOUNDARIES THAT I DON’T LET OTHERS VIOLATE. SINCE THEN, I AM FREER, LESS STRESSED AND AROUND LESS TOXIC PEOPLE.

guilt was the primary”tool(other than his fists) that my father used in raisint my three sisters and I. It’s no wonder I had a problem setting boundaries and was/am always ready to apologize for things that aren’t my fault!! I was trained to feel guilty whenever someone else’s expectations aren’t met (not just by me, either; by life in general.. It rained on your picnic day? Margaret’s sorry. someone else bought the house you’ve been waiting for years to see come on the market? she’s sorry for that as well. It’s a perfect recipe for codependancy/depression/enabling/allkinds of things! Interestingly enough, when i look back I can see that it was always my mother he accused us of disappointing rather than himself, and my mother was the LAST person who would want any of us doing for her out of guilt! When I became a mother I made a promise to myself that guilt would not be in my “parenting toolbox in the same way I banished my fists from that same collection. I did well with the physical stuff( not falling back on it, I mean, but there werestill times when I’d catch myself slipping on the banana peel of guilt and need to stop to rephrase or regroup. And that’s with a conscious decision NOT to follow my father’s example; it’s frightening to think of how much damage I could have done if I’d not become conscious of it before my son was born!

Good topic, learning to set boundaries frees us up to be and do what we believe in our heart is right. I’ve been trying to set boundaries for over 10-years now. I am finally learning that I can control only me and my actions, shoot I’m 51-years old, and to finally feel like I’m in control is a major milestone for me. I’ve allowed other people as well as other peoples circumstances to dictate my life for too long…

Recently I had a social conversation with a therapist in our apt. building who also works part time in the office, about taking antidepressants and she felt they can help with the boundary problem. She also said men have better boundaries than women.
Thank you, Therese, for posting about this. It is very helpful.

Bird, I so could relate to your post about your mother as I had similar issues with my own for many, many years and I felt there was nothing I could do to help or please her (she passed away at age 90). It truly was a cross for me to bear and as the youngest and supposedly her favorite, I felt so guilty, especially because I chose to move away to another state in my early 20′s and after that the guilt was enormous for me. At first we would talk by phone about once a week and then in her 70′s she would call more often and later I realized it was part of her growing dementia and Alzheimer’s that took over in her later years. She was so lonely and had trouble making and trusting people. So I commend you for what you are doing for her, as frustrating and difficult as it is. It sounds like you are truly trying to do the right thing and hope it helps to hear others like me have been there, too.

Bird,
As difficult as life may be right now, you’re doing the right thing IMHO, ESPECIALLY in terms of taking your own needs/feeings into consideration After all, you’ll be useful to NO ONE if you allow yourself to succomb to either physical or emotional decline.In my opinion you are to be commended for recognizing your own needs and esires, not criticiaed or made to feel guilty. this is a sacrificial relationship you’re maintaining, and it’s necessary for you to mainrain SOME sense of sef in order to make it through!

Oh, my goodness, this book brings my memories back so many years. I gave this book to every patient/client I encountered in my career. Since retired, I still use the word boundary in most conversations when friends are telling me a problem. We are not boundaries as children; when a parent asks a question, we know to answer, or get a consequence. When older, and wanting to please others, we follow that early teaching. When parents stop giving freedom to a child, in fear it will be misused, then we adapt to a life of never knowing where I stop and someone else begins.
In parenting classes, I taught parents that at birth we have 100% custodial care over the child, as he/she is helpless. But the percentage drops over each year, giving the child more choices and loosening the boundaries very slightly. At the age of adulthood, a child should have 0% of care from a parent (adulthood means financial independence) and 100% of thier own choices. Knowing boundaries allows the person to choose wisely in what church to attend, or not; which relationship to pursue, or not; which question to answer, or not; which behavior is abusive, or not; and so on.
I love boundries, and when I set one, such as recently not being around an old friend due to her caustic tongue in our conversations, I felt no guilt, only relief that I could feel abused, and do something about it. I simply lock the gate on the fences around me if I am being violated in any area of my life. I may lose a so-called friend, but I gain a new, healthy relationship with myself. The energy used to stay in toxic relationships is not worth the damage done to the soul.

My 19 year old son is in a toxic relationship with his girlfriend of the same age. I’ll spare you the details. He is willing to put up with her emotional abuse and even allows her to treat me in a similar manner. After a recent incident, I decided that I have to set a boundary with her because I have too much self-respect (at 57, it’s been a hard-fought and hard-won battle throughout my life) and desire peace and positivity in my life, but that choice of mine is causing problems between my son and me. He chooses to stay in the relationship. I simply don’t allow anyone to treat me the way she has recently treated me and continues to treat him. Of course, this is difficult for my son to understand and he feels I’m wrong. Some of you wise moms and dads out there, can you help me deal with a boundary that I need in my own life that is so intertwined with my relationship with my son…a boundary he cannot or will not make for his own life? I like the girl…even love her…but her behavior is not life-enhancing for me.

Dear annonymous,
As the mother of an adult son with whom I have a deep friendship, your situation struck a chord within me. We don’t love our children LESS because they’re grown, and consequently their decisions effect us both positively and negatively. Unfortunately, I have to “magic advice to offer; nor do i know of anyone who DOES (ibcluding, bless his heart,, Dr. Phil.) The only thing that comes to mind is STAND YOUR GROUND! Even if the toxic girlfriend can’t admit it right now even to herself, your demand for respect can’t help but show her the way real love behaves, and over time, with God’s help, she’ll be the one to change. Parenting is an AWESOME responsibility and it comes with equally awesome rewards and pains. I’m sure there have been times during your self-described “hard-won battle for self-respect when tyour son watched you fighting for self and (silently, perhaps) applauded your efforts. My own son has shared with me only in recent years how much he comprehended during my own attempts to set boundaries and how much it taught him (the least of which is not a resprct for and pride in his old Mom!) During the battles it certainly didn’t appear to me that he was feeling respect for me, but after all was said and done, I could see where he HAS actually benefited from my struggles and has determined that he will not put himself into the kind of position where he will have to follow in my footsteps becaause he KNOWS the heartache I endured because of a lack of boundaries and my (late-in- life, perhaps) attempts to value and protect myself. IMHO there is NOTHING you can or even maybe should do to rescue your son from this relationship; hopefully he’ll get full himself before too much longer and that will be a much healthier way for him to walk away in the long run. Your example, difficult as it is to put into practice may well be the dose of reality he needs at this time. Ny thoughts and prayers will be with the three of you as you muddle through this complicated mess. Sometimes “muddling through is the best any of us can do.)As his mother and simply ANOTER HUMAN BEING, YOU deserve TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT BY both OF THEM AND IF THERE’S one THING OF WHICH I’M SURE WITH MY 20/2- HINDSIGHT VISION, IT’S THAT YOU WON’T GET UNLESS YOU BOTH demand and offer it in return. Blessings on the three of you, and DON’T GIVE UP! THE FRIENDSHIP I know enjoy with my adult son SON SON FAR SURPASSES ANYTHING I (or anyone else who knew us when he was the age your son now is) ever dreamed we’d have and is more fulfilling than I can express. All is NOT lost; this isbut one battle in the war!

Well I suck at boundaries! I am a pushover most times till someone rattles my cage sufficiently. Of course this could be all the times my Mom said “You let people take advantage of you!” She’s not wrong but, I know in part, her saying it makes me believe it’s true. I hate it when that happens! On the other hand I don’t wish to perceive myself as a doormat. I will always stick to my princibles in the end. I believe in holding people to their promises just as I keep mine or I won’t make them! I guess you could say I hold myself to a higher standard. That can be a double edged sword too. It can lead to self respect or runaway perfectionism. HMMMMMMMM……

Dear Lynn,
I always sucked at boundaries too, until it got to the point where I literally HAD to set some or lose my sanity. What I discovered, albeit late in lfe, is that people who are used to you being a pushover might not LIKE it when you begin to set limits, but they DO respect you for it in the long run. More good news is that it gets easier the more you do it just be sure the boundaries you set are ones you can live with, at times the results we get aren’t the ones we expected. When I finally got full of my ex husand’s infidelity, I told him he had to make a choice;, give up the affair or move out of our home. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done, and I was actually quite shocked when he chose to leave. It took him awhile to actually do it, but I stood my ground and ended up the better off for it. Funny ting was, he didn’t even tell his “girlfriend” he’d moved; she kept calling for him at MY number! I was finally the one who informed her that perhaps she needed to talk to him since we didn’t live together any more! (And Yes, i’m sure she enjoyed hearing that, but I’m also sure she wondered why he hadn’t informed her that he now had a place where they could be together whenever they desired. I shed many tears on the night he finally packed up his things and drove out of the garage for the last time, but I’d been crying a lot while he was there anyway, and it felt sort of good to have been the one who drew the “line in the sand”. Alsio, please remember that your mother calling you a “doormay doesn’t make it so; what matters in the big picture is your own assessment of your boundary-setting skills. From the things you’ve shared about “Crazy George, i’d say you may have been a giving, caring person, but that ISNT automatically synonymous with “pushover”

It’s no secret that many times the person who is going to therapy is not the source of the problem in a relationship or family. The person who really needs to gain greater insights, self-awareness, and sensitivity is oblivious to the fact that they are toxic influences on the people in their lives.
WiseSteven

I am so tired. I left an abusive relationship. Had daughter here immediately with me. Asked attorney to serve him with papers saying that I wanted to keep her because of the abuse. Atty told me not advised. 6 years and an evaluation later – in which the evaluator did not use any of my collaterals – and all of the money and then some gone, I am at the end. 2 CPS reports filed by therapists on my ex at their own volition, and my overwhelming sickness at what I had learned have left our daughter with a card to report any future abuse to someone at the school. She is 11. People say, wow, that empowers her. I say, she is 11 (just turned it today) and I think – is this what the world has come to? Children who have nothing better to do than to be mini-adults?
Yes I am tired. Because of the CPS report, I kept her with her fathers full knowledge of why I was keeping her with me, with the police having interviewed her, with the hospital having interviewed her, and then finally CPS interviewing her and finding out that yes, she told the truth, he admitted the physical abuse.
She is 11.
I got hit with the TRO ordered here vacated by the judge because the judge in the area my ex lives in had it vacated. The judge knew of the allegations per our daughter. He had me return her to her father.
My attorney did not even argue, did not even acknowledge that he knew about the whole thing. I fired him. He wants 15,000 dollars from me.
I was fined for contempt even though we had joint physical and joint legal custody. I had a TRO on me even though everyone knew what was going on and I enrolled her in school here.
Yes I am tired.
Faith is something I am holding onto by my fingernails, which have become weak, and break. She is only 11 today, I keep saying. Happy Birthday sweet child. This is a world I do not understand. You deserve much better than this. And I love you more than the stars in the universe.
Thank you for letting me post here.
Yes, I am tired.

Shannon:
Bless you for working so diligently to try and prevent future abuse of your daughter; I’m sure you ARE tired (How about EXHAUSTED?) But as an abused child myself at a time when it was euphemistically called “being strict” and a sign of good parenting, I can assure you that you are doing the right thing! Rest assured that the day will come when your daughter recognizes and appreciates the sacrifices you are making on her behalf. Until that time, DON’T GIVE UP!! Your daughter needs you as her champion even more so because the legal system is failing her. As a former teacher, I can tell you that there ARE at least some teachers in your daughter’s corner who will help her cope with and report any continuing incidents. The key is in not giving up; reporting to as many adults as she must until she gets some response. Sadly enough, even though there are laws in most states requiring teachers/doctors/others to report even SUSPECTED abuse, there are still those who refuse to get involved. Please hang in there! Without your support, exhausting as it is, your daughter is doomed to spending years of her life trying to recover from the emotional issues childhood abuse creates. The fact that you are validating to her that this is not a normal, loving way to treat a child will go a long way in helping her grow into a happy, productive adult who “breaks the cycle” once she has children of her own. In the meantine, don’t forget to take care of YOURSELF as well. (I’m talking emotionally here) If you are not already doing so, might I suggest that you enter into therapy either by yourself or with your daughter? Not only will this help you survive this grueling set of circumstances, the therapist could well become one of your staunchest allies with the legal system. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how hard it is.

my life it reeks of abuse..i have grown stronger and my abusers cant stand that..as i child i suffered at others hands which i will not be graphic about..but just as the last weekend an ex bf..has been trying to worm his way into my world…i have prayed and prayed and i know what he thinks..he can give me a sob story and i will lick the wounds he creates…but not this time..i refuse to be a victim..this is not just a case of a breakup..he tried to beat me..so bad..my face was bruised very badly…my hair ripped out..and i know if i had not found the power to pray that night he would have killed me..that was about 2yrs ago..i will never forget being curled up in a fetal position to keep him from hurting me..i have contacted the authorities..but they pretty much tell me unless they see anything what can they do?abuse is never acceptable ever..i feel in my heart i will protect myself..i try to stay safe i keep to myself…my doors locked…but with 911 respond times i could be hurt before they come..so much so many comments i would not have time to write..he actually believes he can commit a murder and get away with it..and u know there is nothing i or any human can do to change his mind..i dont even know what to say from here

My issues are learning to set boundaries with my parents. They are loving parents and only want whats best. But they have really bad issues with blackmail. If they ever lend me money or anything like that it always get brought up at a later. When they give something as a gift it always has strings attached. I feel like a little girl that is constantly seeking my parents approval. I don’t know who I am and I don’t even know if I am happy. I am getting married next year and it should be the happiest time of my life but I am fighting with my olds about venues, money and family. Which inturns makes me feel so guilty that I turn to weed and cigarettes and bad food. I don’t know how to set boundaries as I was never allowed to set boundaries as a child. Which is why I have had an abusive relationship, have had many sexual partners and let people treat me like shit. When I lost my virginity at 16 my father said he was so dissapointed with the guy I chose! How can he say that to his daughter? And how in the fuck am I meant to change it? Why would he say that why would he hurt me so badly? Why does he have to say he is disappointed? Why? That makes me feel very very guilty. I know that would both say ” we only want whats best for you” Well saying that is not the best for me that just makes me feel like shit! It puts me back in my box so that next time I make a decision I have to come and check it with you first.
No more, no more beating myself up because of decisions that I choose to make. I am good enough to make up my own mind.