Melody Beattie is a great author to read when you’re having boundaries problems and are letting all sorts of people and their opinions into your core. The following excerpt is from her book, “The Language of Letting Go”:
“There's a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use,” said one recovering woman. “The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing.”It's imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.
Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior and the person gets angry and defensive. Then WE feel guilty.
Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests, and in other people's best interests. Guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.
We don't have to let others count on the fact that we'll always feel guilty. We don't have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt--earned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that holds us back from self-care. Push. Push harder. [She's talking boundaries.]
We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate another's issues from our issues [by the way, "issues" in legal jargon means children...in case you ever get sued], and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.
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It's no secret that many times the person who is going to therapy is not the source of the problem in a relationship or family. The person who really needs to gain greater insights, self-awareness, and sensitivity is oblivious to the fact that they are toxic influences on the people in their lives.
WiseSteven
I am so tired. I left an abusive relationship. Had daughter here immediately with me. Asked attorney to serve him with papers saying that I wanted to keep her because of the abuse. Atty told me not advised. 6 years and an evaluation later - in which the evaluator did not use any of my collaterals - and all of the money and then some gone, I am at the end. 2 CPS reports filed by therapists on my ex at their own volition, and my overwhelming sickness at what I had learned have left our daughter with a card to report any future abuse to someone at the school. She is 11. People say, wow, that empowers her. I say, she is 11 (just turned it today) and I think - is this what the world has come to? Children who have nothing better to do than to be mini-adults?
Yes I am tired. Because of the CPS report, I kept her with her fathers full knowledge of why I was keeping her with me, with the police having interviewed her, with the hospital having interviewed her, and then finally CPS interviewing her and finding out that yes, she told the truth, he admitted the physical abuse.
She is 11.
I got hit with the TRO ordered here vacated by the judge because the judge in the area my ex lives in had it vacated. The judge knew of the allegations per our daughter. He had me return her to her father.
My attorney did not even argue, did not even acknowledge that he knew about the whole thing. I fired him. He wants 15,000 dollars from me.
I was fined for contempt even though we had joint physical and joint legal custody. I had a TRO on me even though everyone knew what was going on and I enrolled her in school here.
Yes I am tired.
Faith is something I am holding onto by my fingernails, which have become weak, and break. She is only 11 today, I keep saying. Happy Birthday sweet child. This is a world I do not understand. You deserve much better than this. And I love you more than the stars in the universe.
Thank you for letting me post here.
Yes, I am tired.
Shannon:
Bless you for working so diligently to try and prevent future abuse of your daughter; I'm sure you ARE tired (How about EXHAUSTED?) But as an abused child myself at a time when it was euphemistically called "being strict" and a sign of good parenting, I can assure you that you are doing the right thing! Rest assured that the day will come when your daughter recognizes and appreciates the sacrifices you are making on her behalf. Until that time, DON'T GIVE UP!! Your daughter needs you as her champion even more so because the legal system is failing her. As a former teacher, I can tell you that there ARE at least some teachers in your daughter's corner who will help her cope with and report any continuing incidents. The key is in not giving up; reporting to as many adults as she must until she gets some response. Sadly enough, even though there are laws in most states requiring teachers/doctors/others to report even SUSPECTED abuse, there are still those who refuse to get involved. Please hang in there! Without your support, exhausting as it is, your daughter is doomed to spending years of her life trying to recover from the emotional issues childhood abuse creates. The fact that you are validating to her that this is not a normal, loving way to treat a child will go a long way in helping her grow into a happy, productive adult who "breaks the cycle" once she has children of her own. In the meantine, don't forget to take care of YOURSELF as well. (I'm talking emotionally here) If you are not already doing so, might I suggest that you enter into therapy either by yourself or with your daughter? Not only will this help you survive this grueling set of circumstances, the therapist could well become one of your staunchest allies with the legal system. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how hard it is.
my life it reeks of abuse..i have grown stronger and my abusers cant stand that..as i child i suffered at others hands which i will not be graphic about..but just as the last weekend an ex bf..has been trying to worm his way into my world...i have prayed and prayed and i know what he thinks..he can give me a sob story and i will lick the wounds he creates...but not this time..i refuse to be a victim..this is not just a case of a breakup..he tried to beat me..so bad..my face was bruised very badly...my hair ripped out..and i know if i had not found the power to pray that night he would have killed me..that was about 2yrs ago..i will never forget being curled up in a fetal position to keep him from hurting me..i have contacted the authorities..but they pretty much tell me unless they see anything what can they do?abuse is never acceptable ever..i feel in my heart i will protect myself..i try to stay safe i keep to myself...my doors locked...but with 911 respond times i could be hurt before they come..so much so many comments i would not have time to write..he actually believes he can commit a murder and get away with it..and u know there is nothing i or any human can do to change his mind..i dont even know what to say from here
My issues are learning to set boundaries with my parents. They are loving parents and only want whats best. But they have really bad issues with blackmail. If they ever lend me money or anything like that it always get brought up at a later. When they give something as a gift it always has strings attached. I feel like a little girl that is constantly seeking my parents approval. I don't know who I am and I don't even know if I am happy. I am getting married next year and it should be the happiest time of my life but I am fighting with my olds about venues, money and family. Which inturns makes me feel so guilty that I turn to weed and cigarettes and bad food. I don't know how to set boundaries as I was never allowed to set boundaries as a child. Which is why I have had an abusive relationship, have had many sexual partners and let people treat me like shit. When I lost my virginity at 16 my father said he was so dissapointed with the guy I chose! How can he say that to his daughter? And how in the fuck am I meant to change it? Why would he say that why would he hurt me so badly? Why does he have to say he is disappointed? Why? That makes me feel very very guilty. I know that would both say " we only want whats best for you" Well saying that is not the best for me that just makes me feel like shit! It puts me back in my box so that next time I make a decision I have to come and check it with you first.
No more, no more beating myself up because of decisions that I choose to make. I am good enough to make up my own mind.
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