Advertisement
I apologize for the delay in publishing the result of the “Saving Grace” essay contest. Truthfully, I put it off because it felt like choosing which was my favorite child. Finally, I begged Holly to find someone else to judge because the whole thing was giving me anxiety. So ………. please know that the essays were read by a fair committee, but the I was not a judge. Not that I’m a Pontius Pilate.
I can see why the judges chose Laycee’s essay. It is extremely powerful, especially for a person like me recovering from addiction as well. Thank you, Laycee, for such a profound piece. And enjoy your iPod!! You certainly deserve it.
Let me begin by saying that I love “Saving Grace”. I see a lot of the “old me ” in her.
My name is Laycee and I am 30 years old. I grew up in a family that is all too typical these days….dysfunctional. My father was a hard worker but had severe depression and my mother was overbearing and made our whole family feel as if we were walking on egg shells. With no guidance from my parents on what I should do with my life, if I should go to college or what kind of career to choose, I quickly turned to drugs.
The crowd I hung out with seemed to be die-hard friends, not realizing until much later that they were really only there for me if I had drugs.
I went from one bad relationship to another being physically and verbally abused and used, bringing my self-esteem lower with every passing day. Anytime any big trouble came my way, I moved to another town thinking I would be able to make a fresh start. I only succeeded in accumulating baggage and meeting the same kind of people everywhere I went.
At the time, I thought I was having fun. I felt complete, as long as I had a man in my bed and drugs in my body to make myself feel “normal”. Looking back, it is a wonder I ever made it out alive. But, I now believe that God was watching me and decided it was time for a wake up call.
On May 06, 2001 I was spending a typical day out with friends. I was at a lake with some people I worked with along with some of their friends that I had never met. There was a guy there that I had never seen but was immediately attracted to. I will call him Chris. The day was pretty normal except that for some reason, I didn’t really have as much to drink as I normally would. I had a margarita and smoked a joint and that was it (the night before I had a little cocaine).
After several hours on the lake, it was time to go. The sky had started to fill up with some nasty looking storm clouds and everyone decided to meet back at the restaurant I worked at to have a few drinks. Chris and I rode in a car with three of our friends, getting to know each other the only way I knew how to–by making out.
By the time we got to the restaurant, it was pretty clear that we were going to have sex. So, we decided to skip the drinks and head back to his friend’s house to pick up Chris’s backpack. I was not intoxicated (blood-alcohol tests would later show that I had .004 in my system) but Chris was three times the legal limit.
So as the storm clouds rolled in, we headed out to a near by town about 25 miles away. Enroute, the rain began to pour. I drove slowly, trying to see where I was going because I had never been to this particular town before. I remember the two of us holding hands, talking about our families and other such small talk.
The next thing I remember was waking up in the ER at a local hospital. I was in pain, I didn’t know what had happened. I thought maybe we had been hit by a car or something. I kept asking if everyone was okay. As the doctors and nurses worked to stabilize me, I drifted in and out of conscienceness. When I fully came to, I was greeted by a policeman.
All he said was, “Ms. Hill you’ve been involved in a collision with a train. The young man with you was killed, I thought you should know”.
The next thing I really remember is my dad being there the next day. He explained to me that my car had been struck by a train on the passengers side, where Chris had been sitting. The next two months are a blur. I went to Chris’ funeral, consumed with guilt.
I had several injuries so I had at least four different painkiller perscriptions, anti-depressants, anxiety medicine, just about anything a doctor would give me. And as if that weren’t enough, I was drinking heavily. I wanted to disappear, eventually trying to kill myself.
Finally, I was arrested. I was charged with intoxicated manslaughter and thrown in jail. For two and a half months I sat there, feeling sorry for myself, convinced that I hadn’t really done anything wrong. I wasn’t legally intoxicated, it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t even have any memory of the actual accident. But the district attorney was convinced that he could show that all of the traces of drugs I had in my system with the small amount of alcohol had an “encombanent effect”. Eventually, my father bailed me out of jail and I went home to live with him, or rather, where the court could hold my dad responsible for my whereabouts.
I began to go to AA meetings, NA, CA, any meeting I could get my hands on. Not because I thought I needed it, but because I thought it would look good in court. For three years, the court proceedings were drug out. In 2004, when I was sentenced, I thought, “it’s over”.
But it will never be over.
The day after my sentencing I went to an NA meeting. I listened to a man who was 13 years sober talk about how much better his life was “today”. He had real relationships with family members, a wife who loved him for who he was, a home, a car, a support group. And it was while I was listening to him that I heard God speak to my heart.
He told me it was time to accept what my life had been, the decisons I had made, and let go. He was telling me that all this happened so that I could enjoy and appreciate my life today. I didn’t have to live my life in the past anymore, that was all behind me. I only needed to remember my past so that I wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes. I didn’t need to worry about the future because I would always be able to feel Him beside me.
And today, I can be grateful. I’m grateful that I have a job. Grateful that I have a home. Grateful that I can pay my bills like a responsible memeber of society and not have to hide from the law.
And most of all, He has shown me this. I may not know the purpose in my life, but that I do have one.
I wish everyday that I could bring Chris back. That I could heal the pain I have caused his family and friends. I was on a dangerous, destructive path. All I can do today is try to help those around me, make something good come out of this tragedy.
And had I not traveled down that road, I may never have gotten sober, met my husband, had my son, or had a real relationship with my father. Today, I am grateful to be me.
|
Previous Posts
Therapy Thursday: Sweat
posted 6:01:57am Feb. 09, 2012 | read full post »
Scrupulosity: What It Is and Why It's Dangerous
posted 6:17:35am Feb. 07, 2012 | read full post »
The Treasures of Darkness
posted 6:06:40am Feb. 06, 2012 | read full post »
On Groundhog Day: 12 Winter Depression Busters
posted 6:30:47am Feb. 02, 2012 | read full post »
6 Ways to Stay Resilient in Stress
posted 6:00:24am Jan. 31, 2012 | read full post » |
|
||
|
|
||
| click here to see all of our uplifting newsletters» |
Meet others on the journey in
Therese’s community group
Ask Therese to be your friend
Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
Meet others on the journey in
Therese’s community group
Ask Therese to be your friend
Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
posted January 12, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Thank you for your story. I really needed that. My daughter is 26 years old and in a unhealthy relationship. She suffers from severe depression. On Christmas Day her boyfriend took her 1 hour away from us to his hometown, she couldn’t say no. Her friend at work heard her in the bathroom talking to him on her cell and she said I don’t want to go with you. When she came out of work I asked her to come with us and she said that I would have to talk to him about it. I did and he said that she is going with him. I couldn’t stop her. It was horrible, she wasn’t allowed to talk to us, the boyfriend took her phone and car and the only communication we had was with her boyfriend who was totally in control of her with no medication. It was when she sent a message saying that she was going to kill herself and jump in front of a car and to tell her 3 year old neice goodbye that I knew she was really in trouble. I convinced her boyfriend to bring her back home and that they could live with us (just to get them home) and when they got home we hide her car. Then I called the police to have him removed from my house. When they ran his name he had a warrant for his arrest. I thought that would be the end of it. Unfortunatly he was bailed out by his father and over the next week he texted her endlessly and phoned her until she gave in and went back to him. I has been another week since I have heard her voice. Only texting, she is so depressed because he still hasn’t let me get her meds to her and I am afraid of what might happen. Please pray that somehow there will be someone where she is to get her help. She is on probation and if she isn’t back she will be violated and put in jail for several years. She was doing excellent until he took her on Christmas. If there is anyone who can give me insite on what to do please let me know. If anyone knows if she is outside her radius what will happen to her. They do not know about her being outside of her radius. She has never done anything wrong since she has been on probation. Because of this she was not able to work, and has now had to quit her job.
In Jesus Name I trust!!!
Kathy
posted January 15, 2008 at 11:21 am
what a powerful message! thank you, Laycee, for sharing your story. what courage it took for you to do so, and what courage it takes each day to live life in the now & not beat oneself up for decisions made in the past. may you continue to live courageously! (you too, Therese!)
posted January 15, 2008 at 11:41 am
I think I’d even said on the original thread I thought Laycee’s was the most moving tale.
The thought that guardian angels can come out of tragedy is very moving, and one that will cause me considerable contemplation. There was a (slightly) parallel incident in my own life where I believe someone may be a guardian angel, maybe not for me, but for a dear longtime friend.
(Yes, “Mr. Skeptic” is expressing belief in guardian angels — so sue me!!)
posted January 15, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Every time I backslide and think I’m a total screw-up I listen to someone else’s story who’s trashed their life and come out whole…it gives me hope. I’m afraid I have a bit of a Peter Pan complex, as it were, and don’t want to grow up! ( or maybe it’s just the fear of growing old alone.) That’s a triumph I can tuck away for a rainy day. Thanks Laycee.
posted January 15, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Laycee, thank you SO much for your wonderful testimony. Thank you for sharing of yourself, your life and your experiences and literally, of God’s saving grace! Valerie
posted January 16, 2008 at 4:48 am
WOW!!!! Laycee, your story is inspiting in the extreme Need prof? reread “Mr. Skeptic’s” comment again! You make me feel like ANYONE(including ME) can honetly change and live a life of blessing to others with God’s help. Thank you for taking the time to share it with all of us whose lives, though perhaps daunting at times, are nearly perfect compared to what you have lived through! Therese nade a wuse choice when she selected you as the contest winner, and ALL of us, in truth, received a prize…you an ipod, the rest of us hope! And, therese, dear, you didn’t choose one of us over another, you chose an inspiring story. (No worries) What a marvelous contest wherein EVERYONE can emerge a winner!
posted January 16, 2008 at 1:13 pm
LACE, LOVED THE ARTICLE, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU I COULD BUST. YOU ARE WORKING SO HARD ON YOUR LITTLE FAMILY AND YOURSELF.
LOVE YA, AUNT DARLA
posted January 16, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Laycee, I’m sure you have touched many people with your message. It takes a special person to rise above the trials life has thrown at you. You are commended for your strength and you are an inspiration to those who are enduring their own challenges. You are not alone and you do have people who care about you. We are proud of you.
XOXO, NeeCee
posted January 16, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Laycee, I’m sure you have touched many people with your message. It takes a special person to rise above the trials life has thrown at you. You are commended for your strength and you are an inspiration to those who are enduring their own challenges. You are not alone and you do have people who care about you. We are proud of you.
XOXO, NeeCee
posted January 17, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Laycee, Im having a good cry, because of the powerful words you spoke from your heart & soul, & for us losing 2 of the greatest men God ever put on this earth, two brothers taken from us only 4 months apart, and so young.
I know you will find Gods purpose in your life, be patient, it took me over 40 years, but I really know it now & “there but for the grace of God go I” in your story. Doug also learned his purpose in life the last couple of years, after he knew he was probably terminal. But he kept optimistic, (having to endure so much pain & spending so much time in medical care) hoping that maybe a medical miracle would happen for him. I think he was far sicker than your dad, & the doctors gave him 2 or 3 extra years than he shouldve had.
I will forward this to Britt, because this sounds very much like her story but shes not yet allowed herself to let go of her pride, & that God owes her something for her bad luck in life. I only hope she gets a second chance like you, to stop holding a grudge against God for not having a “normal” life. Love You “brave one”, Aunt Donna
posted January 20, 2008 at 5:54 pm
laycee, I only wish everybody could know you like I know you! For them to see how wonderful you are! You are an inspiration to me and my whole family and we don`t know what we would do without you! You are the one who taught me to keep my chin up things will always get better! Love you more than you can know!! SHERRI
posted July 14, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Laycee ,
Congratulations.You don’t know me, But I am a regular on the SG forums. I also am an N.A. member,who hit his bottom. More then 4 years clean. May GOD give you the strength to continue on this path. Good Luck.
Depend on GOD and yourself, all else will fall in place.
See(hear ) you at the forum.
GOD Bless
bornagain