I can totally relate to you, Therese. And I love the illustration you gave with the circle of Self and the doors with the locks. I am going to try to remember that reference when I’m filtering what people are saying to me (or have written to me) and not let them in, so to speak. I think it’s wonderful that it only takes you a day to figure that whole process out. I know for me, it often takes much longer and in the meantime, really effects me and my mood. Our thoughts are soo powerful. Cognitive therapy has really helped me as well but I think it’s a constant struggle. The fact that you feel you’re going to accomplish that or can see an end to letting what people say to you effect you for such a long period is wonderful. There is an end in sight for you. I guess, for me, I don’t see that end yet but I’m constantly working towards it so I guess that’s okay, too.
Keep up the wonderful job you do! Valerie

I had the same experience over the holidays — I left a friend a couple of messages, she didn’t get back to me, I thought she was mad at me. SCAY-REE!!!
(Of course she called me last night — she was just insanely busy, as my rational side knew she was.)
As for your New Age friend … she is not your friend.
Not because she’s not entitled to her views (I just gave my strong opinion; and it’s a free country, Tom Cruise is too!) but because if she knew anything about your experience, she HAD to know that relating that information to you would be enormously stigmatizing and cause great self-doubt.
No matter how strong your boundaries are.
The only thing your boundaries could have helped with, as you said in the (achingly honest, as always) video, was realizing — and I know we’ve had issues about cursing on BB lately, but so be it — she doesn’t have a f**king clue about your experience.

I agree with both of the comments posted…the wonderful help this blog is…the cost of ‘friendship’ that drags one down. I think that
sometimes people simply can’t understand how much they hurt us…
may think they are trying hard to help us when, in fact, they are making it harder to get through the day. I know it must be frustrating
for them. I do think the best answer is those locks inside our door.
I’ve tried to patiently explain to a dear friend that I don’t “want” to be so depressed…but, as Larry noted, sometimes people just don’t “get” it. It is hard to have someone one loves not understand.

I can relate to your experience, too, Therese. It’s so hard not to take these well-meaning but thoughtless comments from our friends personally.
It seems like every couple of months I have to give myself a pep-talk about boundaries. My skin can be so thin. But it doesn’t work for me to shut and lock doors to myself. I’ve tried that… I’m just too porous and sensitive.
What does work for me is to be a tree. That is my meditation. I imagine my roots going down into the ground, curling around rocks and finding sweet water. I imagine my strong but flexible limbs, and my porous and listening bark. Sometimes I go on walks and ask trees about their experiences and learn from them. Anyway, being a tree helps me know myself and my own experience well enough that I’m no longer open for intrusions.

For me the issues of boundries ( not having them) is a habit learned many years ago. I learned that if I put others first , I was a good girl, if I said no, I was a bad girl. A very simple concept, learned long ago, a habit that is now very hard to break. I am making progress, but making use of those boundries makes me anxious. I will become a different person. I am afraid I will become like those people I don’t like. The ones that seem not to care about anyone but themselves. What makes a boundry and what makes a wall? Are they the same thing? Some boundries seem like walls to me.Perhaps I just need to learn what is my stuff and what stuff belongs to others.What about compassion? Did gahandi have boundries, did mother therese? I try very hard not to judge others, not an easy thing to do. I am very judgemental of myself. I need to look at myself, my thoughts and ideas and know that they are mine, I only can be right for myself. It is knowing what is right for me that is difficult. For me it is like that Quote ” FOOLS RUSH IN WHERE WISE MEN FEAR TO TREAD”. I hurry to help before I am even asked to. Know thyself, learn what works for you, extend help when it is asked for . Judge not, not even yourself.????????????

Therese,
Sometimes it is like you are reading my mind. On my way home, I was thinking that I let the opinions and comments of others disturb me too much and I personalize things too much. I know not everyone is like this – my son does it too, but my daughter has a teflon barrier. She knows what she is and is able to say “so what” to unwarranted criticism. I see that she has control of her reactions (unusual at 14), and I sometimes envy her that strength. I am going to try using your door/locks technique so that I do not obsess over these comments for days and can keep my own mind and boundaries straight. Thank you again for sharing with us all.
Beth

Dear Therese,
The timing of this couldn’t have been more perfect for me…and I am so grateful to you for sharing this message. I check in with your site on a fairly regular basis and always I take away something helpful…but today your message went straight to my heart and I actually replayed parts of your video over and over again because I really wanted to make sure my brain heard it too. You are a real gift and I admire your courage and honesty. Thank you for giving me something very important today. My very best regards.

Boundaries and ownership — I don’t get either of them right. Boundaries didn’t exist when I was growing up, so mine have been porous. Ownership — I get crushed so easily, and even as my rational mind is racing to sort out a comment or action in a logical thought process, my emotional side is collapsing under the weight of a comment that is quite trivial to the person offering it. Of course, I don’t let them know that inside I feel a part of myself dying. It takes days, and sometimes longer to regain my equalibrium. And I never know what will trigger such an episode. It is one of the most frustrating aspects of being me.

GREAT,INSIGHTFUL,HELPFUL VIDO TOPIC.

Hi,
I was unable to view the video but want to thank everyone for their comments. Its like I wrote them all myself! It is especially interesting to me how I can be like one of the posters who has a daughter so totally opposite and in control of her thoughts and reactions. I have thought that my daughter was that way because of me, because she saw how I had no boundaries she was determined to not be like me. I will pray for us all and thank you once again for the topic which led me to the posts!

No trespassing is a good one but my favorite is:
Why are you letting them rent space in your head for free?
When I really thought about it…why am I letting them have space in my head when they don’t pay my bills, don’t live my life and basically do nothing to contribute to my day in and day out lifestyle.
At the same time I learned that when there is a difference of opinion like religion or politics…I suddenly have to take a potty break and while in there I come up with a new topic to immediately bring up when I return that will require more then a yes or no answer!!!! LOL
Hugs,
Nancy a.k.a. sixlittlekitties

I did not get to view the video but agree that the topic of boundaries is very important. As a health care worker in the late eighties and early nineties, we were given courses on personal boundaries at the workplace as direct patient care can veil these boundaries in our desire to help. I started practicing what i learned both at work and at home. I was a mother of two small children with a verbally abusive husband. Slowly I absorbed the concepts and they worked. I read some comments of those who do not feel that they have boundaries and i feel your pain and confusion. You think “I’m nice, why do you treat me this way?” For you, I say this…I haven’t read much lately on the focus of personal boundaries and am glad that you have found the article. It’s a gem. Feel my embrace.
Peace unto you

Another beautiful video – direct, honest, dealing with such a central problem in depression. I’ve been through many guided image sessions trying to find a few things to hold onto when I’m tearing myself apart, and I must say that few of them really work. But there is always one thing, thank God, that spontaneously pops into my awareness when I am seizing on everything around me as a sign of how stupid, inadequate or at fault I must be. It’s a louder voice saying SHUT UP! I’m not listening to that crap, I’ve heard everything you’ve got to say – SHUT UP! That voice cuts through the negativity better than anything else I’ve tried. And fortunately – I’m not sure how – I’ve internalized that and don’t have to summon it forth, except in the very deepest down times. Not very sophisticated, I must admit, but that’s what I’ve gotten from CBT so far.
Thanks for that video – it strengthens me, and it sounds like it does the same for so many of your readers.
JohnD

Thank you! You made me feel good, as in Im not the only person with problems

You have so much strength that you haven’t even taped into yet.You are on the right path and don’t let others influence your journey. I too had similar feeling and here is what worked for me. I realized that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to wear a smile. I deserve to live life to its fullest. And anyone or anything that is not assisting me in my quest, I distanced myself from those negatives. You too deserve these things. And once you start living the life you deserve, really living a happy life, you will see the difference, feel the distance. Depression can find us and modify our thouhgts and behavior in many ways. Its finding how to be strong and trick the feelings my adjusting our perceptions and behaviors. Stay focused and find your strengths. Stand in the sunshine every chance you get and say to yourself, “No more bad days”. Its amazing what a ray of sunshine can do for the soul.

This is a really good place to begin building confidence. I relate to it as saying, “No, not right now.”
I don’t have to accept the waste of my energies, just because I have the option or choice. I can have the confidence to believe in what I know about myself is best and feel good. AND move on to something I want to do.
It took me years to hear back from a great friend and the waste of energy/ the worries I took on were unnecessary. In the end, she had just been sick, and hadn’t gotten back to me.
YOU ARE THE BEST parent your children have and probably worlds better in many ways than your parents and grandparents were generations ago. Life has its everyday challenges and our children test us daily.
In the end count your blessings growing up and they will count theirs sooner than you know.
Thank you for your caner, and SMILE. It takes less muscles, feels good and probably looks good on you.:)

Great job!! You are fantastic and know more about positive and negative energy that 75% of the population who blindly buy into advertising gimmics and adopt destructive disorders from them. IE: the dieting mania. Your doing beautifully!!

With nurture, we grow up mostly by seeing the world how others would like us to see it. We come to an age, eventualy, to try to see ourselves, others and the world as we would like to see it, which inevitably becomes a dichotomy. When this occurs, then is the time to trust ourselves, know that we are to know ourselves, trust that we are unique and have our own spirit and to trust our spirit. As an analogy, I had a mole removed from my face which had bothered me since childhood and was thrilled to see it gone. No one else, who loved me, noticed it’s disappearance. We are too hard on ourselves and once we have learned to choose not to be offended by others or ourselves, we are emancipated, then we grow in the way it is intended.

Thank you for sharing Iresently enrolled my chiled in a school,progam for problemed teens,I thougt my kid was in this situatio because of the choices i made,and decided that since i could not help him i would get help for him,and this program gives the opportunity for parents to change along with their chidren.
Ihave attended a couple of seminars that have made adifrense not only in the heeling proceses of feeling guilty yet in the reconstruccion of our lives,I would like to encourage parents to take this steps at any time in their lives, It is live Changing!!!