i would laugh but i have a lump on my throat that makes me even more sad! thanks for the insight. it is hard to keep up a strong front. . .

Thank you Therese for making me laugh. I bet many of us have thought about if we were going to “pull it off” or not. The pig snorts were a great touch.

if you are serious about your delima then no one is taking it serious, from the comments that i have read and your story,people to me seem like it is another preformance for the camera.to me it seems as if you have three or four different personilities.and you are trying to keep all of them in control.

You make me laugh out loud, Very loudly.

one morning at church (where I am considered some sort of a leader), a woman I know fairly well, asked me “how are you doing?”
To which I gave the standard “I’m doing well.”
She looked intently in my eyes and said – “now, tell me the truth.”
It was just a few minutes before services were to start, and I was supposed to be making my way to the platform —-
me: “NOt here, NOt NOW!” (almost hissed, with teeth tightly clenched)
her: “Lunch?”
me: “oh yeah”
and I rushed to the bathroom —- took several deep breaths
and joined the team just as the first song started.
“the joy of the Lord is my strength…” I sang it with the rest and meant every word of it. Even though it felt very much like acting.
Even if I didn’t feel that joy at the moment — I know that HIS joy over me is what keeps me going.
and we had a great lunch — if you don’t mind eating between the sobs.
being open with the trusted few, gives me the ability to function for the rest (that and good med management)—- and people who watch, but don’t know me well, have been shocked to find out about the manic-depression and the impact it has had on my life.
Guess I’m pretty good at “acting” normal — but I did take four years of drama…………

Why do you think my avatar on the social network is Pagliacci the sad clown (from the opera and from Smokey Robinson’s song “The Tears of a Clown”)?
People think “depressives” (as they sometimes call us) are always sad. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve had some of the funniest times of my life at a diner in North Brunswick, New Jersey with members of my DBSA group. We appreciate and want to live out the joys in life more than anyone …
WHEN WE CAN.
Because we never know, no matter our self-care, when the next shoe will drop.

Because I teach teenagers with emotional disturbance and work with their parents and our faculty, I often have to do a Sally Field. Only with my closest know it all friends can I truly say what I’m feeling. Because of a recent rift with my family, I can’t even tell them anything anymore. It’s become such a part of who I am that I don’t think I can truly share with ny husband.He’s very kind,but doesn’t really understand. I’m also grateful for many years of acting and speech lessons. I guess all we can do is just breathe…….

I have pretended most of my long life to being as normal as others want to see you being. My adult children talk to each other to see if I’ve been “loopy, their word for Mom upset about something.” I have a good personality that I show much of the time. My kids cut me no slack, so everything I say or do is put under their microscopes. I feel good that they turned out as productive, motivated, free thinkers, hard workers & great parents.
BUT they hold me up to a different standard than the other Grandparents of their children. I have to watch my words with them & I HATE IT. I have been an ok Mom & Grandma & I do feel good about that. I just wish I could talk to them about my real life as a chronic depressive. I don’t mean the slippery slope, black hole, empty person who is now a food addict.
I have worked on myself but I absolutely Hate myself. I know the control is within myself. I’m just waiting to see what today brings.

I love this post and the comments here.

It’s a dilemma — when my depression had the upper hand, I found that if I tried to keep functioning (“fake it till you make it” as you say), the people around thought I was doing much better than I actually was. But if I didn’t try to keep functioning… well, I might as well lie down and die at that point. (And I keep reminding myself, I am NOT GOING TO DO THAT.)
It felt really important the day I told my therapist, “You know, I’m tired of pretending to be okay. I think I’m not going to any more.” When friends asked, “How are you?” I no longer said “Fine, thanks,” I would say “Having a rough time but still hanging in there” or “It’s been bad lately, thanks. How are you?”
And I was grateful to find that enough of my friends deal with issues like this of their own that the only responses I got were compassionate and tolerant. Nobody recoiled in distaste, the way I was afraid they would.

I can be very supportive of my family & friends. I am just as good as Ann Landers (RIP)& Dr.Phil. I can think clearly & words, ideas, etc. just come flowing out. This of course is from my decades of therapy.
I don’t want to be the person who can bring other people down with my sadness. Likewise, it’s not good for me to be around negative folks; it brings me down. So, I’ve lost touch with many people over the years. I so envy the galpals who still go out with their grade school friends AND their high school buddies.

i know what its like to put on the proverbilal happy face.when i am around alot of people i have to act normal or it scares them to death and i to some days want to say no its not ok but i am getting by.and i can be the most careing suportive person when the neeed arises but oh when the true me comes out i can really be a blubbering emotional train wreck.somedays i just want to not care just be me an emotional wreck but when your all you got you have to perform or you cant work and then what. oh well the show must go on lol….

You DO deserve an Oscar!! Thank you for the best laugh I have had today!! You felt the fear and did it anyway!!! GOOD FOR YOU!!! And thank God for your sister too!! Way to Go!! You ROCK!!! May you always shine in God’s eyes!!! Bless You. Carol

Bravo for you, Therese! It’s not always easy or possible to act our way to happiness or normalcy or even just plain functioning. But it sounds like you pulled it off wonderfully in that situation!
Hope you’re climbing out of your hole and are starting to feel better physically and mentally. Another day off is always totally okay, you know? Take care of you and Take care of Katie (you know–that inner child usually comes out when we’re not feeling so well; and instead of trying to shut her out, give her a giant hug, a nice bubble bath–if you go for that sort of thing–and just plain be good to you!)
Love Valerie

To those whose MEDS stop working from time to time. Talk to your doc first but, what works for me sometimes is this: I drink detox tea for liver, kidneys, colon OR I take pills to detox the liver, kidneys, and colon. (on a day off of course) I found out that I am Hypersensitive to b vitamins and some herbs. After years of anxiety, I finally discovered it was from my multivitamin with herbs. I can get into a tizzy when my antidepressants don’t work or when I have taken vitamins.
However, I have figured out that if coffee in the morning and my meds loose their effects, then it is time to detox. Afterwards, or the next day, WOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH, I feel like a virgin coffee drinker. It works tremendously and so do my meds. I sometimes (in the past-depending on what kind of meds I was taking) I would have to scale down as if I were starting over in the beginning with the milligrams. They would be so strong!! But, that is me. I think people should ask an herbalist or a holistic health practitioner first for themselves, especially if other important meds are involved that must remain stable in the blood. So anyway, be careful, but it jump starts my meds to activate again. Just from detox tea!! Be careful with caffeine also. Be careful period. Herbs are strong!

Therese,
I have been reading your blog for some time but this one about acting really hit home. You have described a situation perfectly that I have lived through but never knew exactly how to phrase it. Luckily for me, I usually have fairly mild symptoms(panic, anxiety, obsessive compulsive, and then depression) but once and a while, wham! By the way, I am a 60 year old male who has been married for 32 years with 4 grown children. I remember telling people I had the “flu” so as to not reveal my real feelings and put my job potentially at risk. I have a great doctor who is very helpful. I can never predict when I will feel “that way”. It just seems to come out of no where.
So thank you for putting into words what I have never been able to describe. Please know you are in my prayers so that you will know peace in your life again. Steve

Hey Therese – I like you! I really really like you! (To sorta quote Sally Fields)
And it’s not for your acting. It’s for your humor and humility.
Maybe we’re all actors. Maybe even the people who seem to really have it together wake up every morning – ok maybe just some mornings – look themselves in the mirror and pump themselves up, trying to act fierce, or strong or confident or wise.

Did anyone notice that when Katherine Heigl (blonde actress…Grey’s Anatomy) was a presenter at the Oscars last night she got up to the podium looking beautiful but a bit like a deer in headlights. And then…she didn’t act! (Or at least it didn’t seem that way to me)
She said something like “I’m really really nervous…I’ve never done this before… Her voice was shaky. She had a look in her eyes that I know I’ve had when I speak in public. In fact, she made me nervous…for her! But she didn’t fall to pieces or run off the stage. She read her lines and did her job just fine.
It was just so refreshing to see a beautiful blonde actress admit that she was so nervous she couldn’t act calm!

Sally: I think you’ve probably hit on a truth that is more universal than we realize! Having done some acting in high school and college and taught drama to elementary school children, I have a LITTLE knowledge of the matter, and believe it or not, actors and actresses have it easier. They have libes provided along with stage directins. There are usually “blocking” rehearsals so that they know exactly where tostand and how/when to move Rhere are often even strips of tape on the stage floor to make sure they don’t forget and move too far ot stop too short. Real life doesn’t come with all of those helps, unfortunately. Not only do we have to act, we have to direct, write and produce at the same time! Even without the “mirror-pump-up sessions frequently. There aren’t enough oscar categories to list each task we must assume. At least when I had a script to follow nd a competent director(My high school drama coach was a PEACH!) it could be challenging, but i knew exactly what to say and do if i’d learned my role ahead of time. And before I even had to start real rehearsals, there would be a “read through’ to familiarize the entire cast with the dynamics. Real life is a constant improvisation no matter how hard we rey to anticipate what’s going to happen. And as any professional will tell you, improv is the HARDEST type of acting to do well! So, yes, Therese, you (at the very least) deserve a holden statuette to put on the mantel above your fireplace. Maybe if we ever have a “union” we could present our own “Oscars” You, of cotse, would automatically win in the writing category and would have a good shot in “starring role in a drama AND comedy as well as production and special effects,! We probably couldn’t get celebrities to present, but I’m fairly confident that our good friend Larry could handle emceeing! This post was thought provoking, humorous AND timely! (May I have the envelope, please? Oh, one more category where you’d be a “sho-in” “Life Achievement. God bless you and WELCOME HOME! You were missed!!! All good things to you, dear heart,
Margaret

Yes and i am so tired of acting! its amazing the complicated plans i sometimes have to come up with not to do something alone. I act happy, i act calm sometimes …but its always making excuses for this and that so that i will get by. Its too tough to bear sometimes.

Hi Therese.
I read your post and comments this morning, and (Holy Cow?) it’s just what I needed.
The temperatures are climbing, which is a good thing, but it also fosters germs, so I’m hacking and sneezing again today.
In looking at my past from childhood to the present, I have come to the realization, after reading your post, that I’ve been “acting” most of my life.
Not that good things have happened besides the bad, I know now why I’m sad more often than not, which forces me to “act”.
I guess this is something I can now work with my therapist on.
THANK YOU !!!!!

THERESE, YOU NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE ME. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND STAND TRUE TO YOUR HEART. CHEYL

Thanks T, again for a great article
Blanche, I echo your remark, i feel like I have been acting since my teenage years. I find it hard to feel real. To let down the mask and truly be authentic. There are definitely times i need the mask, but when I don’t I can’t seem to drop it. This leaves me feeling separated, even from those I am close to.
The last major job I did as a contractor, summer 05, I made the bid, got the job, all the while sinking deeper into depression and anxiety. When It came time to do the job, which I had planned to do myself, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, i was overwhelmed. But I desparatly needed the money. I couldn’t say I am depressed and anxiety ridden, or I didn’t think I could. I feigned a knee injury, hired a guy i barely knew who talked a great game, and started the job. The guy i hired did about three days decent work and then became a liability, long story short i ended up losing a lot of money. I got out of another job with a lie and did the last of my commitments with a good crew doing almost all the hands on work, I did planning, bought materials, inspected and pretty much just supervised. It went pretty well, but afterwards i crashed and eventually ended up in the mental ward. I still ‘Fake it” sometimes, but I don’t lie anymore. My illness is an open book in the job I have now, I’ve been blessed, they’ve worked with me, and respected that i have been open from the beginning.
I still pray to be able to be real. to let down the mask and truly relate to to others. I am not very successful, and this leads to frustration. I so much want to live an authentic life not only for better interpersonal relationships but also a better self image and, most importantly, a better relationship with God.
Mark

Therese, Thankyou for the laugh, I needed it! You’re so right about the acting. I doubt anyone ,except for those few close enough to really see what’s troubling me, would have clue one! I was right there up front in drama class, did the high school plays and musicals and actually pursued it for a while after graduation. I’m sure I could and still do an excellent job at “stand up sanity”. Don’t we all” wear the mask” well? I should think however this is one of those occasions where honesty IS’NT the best policy. On the other hand think how much trouble we could get in IF we actually said what was really on our minds…Ally Mcbeal style?

Listen to your doctor. Go back on your meds for everybody’s sake. The romantic notion of creativity and madness does not apply to you. Stop trying so hard to make yourself “cool” and “deep” and get some help!

Suzanne – your psychiatrist was right in letting you go if you were non compliant with meds. The first thing you learn about the mentally ill is that they go off their meds as soon as they think they’re better. Stop trying to be “cool and deep” with your artistic identity. Stop deluding youself and get some help.
There is nothing shameful or wrong about treating an illness… Go back on your MEDS!

To Suzanne:
Sorry for sounding so harsh in previous post, but the romantic ideal of “being an artist” is simple: make art. However, the trick is to navigate your way through the gauntlet of the personality and mental disorders that we call an “artistic temperment”. One thing true of almost any artist making genuine work is that they are intensely sensitive people. So sensitive that sometimes normal emotions can feel like impending nervous breakdown. Like Coils, we’re tightly sprung. That’s what make work genuine, when a person creates something tangible from the experience they are channelling just by being alive. But please, go back on your meds. Of course you didn’t feel like tigger anymore after your mania was addressed. Mania: four career tracts in what? 5 years? Super fundamentalist christian to liberal christian, Super sober, not sober at all. Extremes. All of this sounds like Mania. So say goodbye to Tigger and hello to Piglett or whatever. He seems more balanced, though a little fear based.