And the Oscar Goes To...Us

i would laugh but i have a lump on my throat that makes me even more sad! thanks for the insight. it is hard to keep up a strong front. . .

if you are serious about your delima then no one is taking it serious, from the comments that i have read and your story,people to me seem like it is another preformance for the camera.to me it seems as if you have three or four different personilities.and you are trying to keep all of them in control.

one morning at church (where I am considered some sort of a leader), a woman I know fairly well, asked me "how are you doing?"
To which I gave the standard "I'm doing well."
She looked intently in my eyes and said - "now, tell me the truth."
It was just a few minutes before services were to start, and I was supposed to be making my way to the platform ----
me: "NOt here, NOt NOW!" (almost hissed, with teeth tightly clenched)
her: "Lunch?"
me: "oh yeah"
and I rushed to the bathroom ---- took several deep breaths
and joined the team just as the first song started.
"the joy of the Lord is my strength..." I sang it with the rest and meant every word of it. Even though it felt very much like acting.
Even if I didn't feel that joy at the moment --- I know that HIS joy over me is what keeps me going.
and we had a great lunch --- if you don't mind eating between the sobs.

being open with the trusted few, gives me the ability to function for the rest (that and good med management)---- and people who watch, but don't know me well, have been shocked to find out about the manic-depression and the impact it has had on my life.
Guess I'm pretty good at "acting" normal --- but I did take four years of drama............

Because I teach teenagers with emotional disturbance and work with their parents and our faculty, I often have to do a Sally Field. Only with my closest know it all friends can I truly say what I'm feeling. Because of a recent rift with my family, I can't even tell them anything anymore. It's become such a part of who I am that I don't think I can truly share with ny husband.He's very kind,but doesn't really understand. I'm also grateful for many years of acting and speech lessons. I guess all we can do is just breathe.......

I love this post and the comments here.

I can be very supportive of my family & friends. I am just as good as Ann Landers (RIP)& Dr.Phil. I can think clearly & words, ideas, etc. just come flowing out. This of course is from my decades of therapy.

I don't want to be the person who can bring other people down with my sadness. Likewise, it's not good for me to be around negative folks; it brings me down. So, I've lost touch with many people over the years. I so envy the galpals who still go out with their grade school friends AND their high school buddies.

You DO deserve an Oscar!! Thank you for the best laugh I have had today!! You felt the fear and did it anyway!!! GOOD FOR YOU!!! And thank God for your sister too!! Way to Go!! You ROCK!!! May you always shine in God's eyes!!! Bless You. Carol

To those whose MEDS stop working from time to time. Talk to your doc first but, what works for me sometimes is this: I drink detox tea for liver, kidneys, colon OR I take pills to detox the liver, kidneys, and colon. (on a day off of course) I found out that I am Hypersensitive to b vitamins and some herbs. After years of anxiety, I finally discovered it was from my multivitamin with herbs. I can get into a tizzy when my antidepressants don't work or when I have taken vitamins.

However, I have figured out that if coffee in the morning and my meds loose their effects, then it is time to detox. Afterwards, or the next day, WOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH, I feel like a virgin coffee drinker. It works tremendously and so do my meds. I sometimes (in the past-depending on what kind of meds I was taking) I would have to scale down as if I were starting over in the beginning with the milligrams. They would be so strong!! But, that is me. I think people should ask an herbalist or a holistic health practitioner first for themselves, especially if other important meds are involved that must remain stable in the blood. So anyway, be careful, but it jump starts my meds to activate again. Just from detox tea!! Be careful with caffeine also. Be careful period. Herbs are strong!

Hey Therese - I like you! I really really like you! (To sorta quote Sally Fields)
And it's not for your acting. It's for your humor and humility.
Maybe we're all actors. Maybe even the people who seem to really have it together wake up every morning - ok maybe just some mornings - look themselves in the mirror and pump themselves up, trying to act fierce, or strong or confident or wise.

Sally: I think you've probably hit on a truth that is more universal than we realize! Having done some acting in high school and college and taught drama to elementary school children, I have a LITTLE knowledge of the matter, and believe it or not, actors and actresses have it easier. They have libes provided along with stage directins. There are usually "blocking" rehearsals so that they know exactly where tostand and how/when to move Rhere are often even strips of tape on the stage floor to make sure they don't forget and move too far ot stop too short. Real life doesn't come with all of those helps, unfortunately. Not only do we have to act, we have to direct, write and produce at the same time! Even without the "mirror-pump-up sessions frequently. There aren't enough oscar categories to list each task we must assume. At least when I had a script to follow nd a competent director(My high school drama coach was a PEACH!) it could be challenging, but i knew exactly what to say and do if i'd learned my role ahead of time. And before I even had to start real rehearsals, there would be a "read through' to familiarize the entire cast with the dynamics. Real life is a constant improvisation no matter how hard we rey to anticipate what's going to happen. And as any professional will tell you, improv is the HARDEST type of acting to do well! So, yes, Therese, you (at the very least) deserve a holden statuette to put on the mantel above your fireplace. Maybe if we ever have a "union" we could present our own "Oscars" You, of cotse, would automatically win in the writing category and would have a good shot in "starring role in a drama AND comedy as well as production and special effects,! We probably couldn't get celebrities to present, but I'm fairly confident that our good friend Larry could handle emceeing! This post was thought provoking, humorous AND timely! (May I have the envelope, please? Oh, one more category where you'd be a "sho-in" "Life Achievement. God bless you and WELCOME HOME! You were missed!!! All good things to you, dear heart,
Margaret

Hi Therese.

I read your post and comments this morning, and (Holy Cow?) it's just what I needed.

The temperatures are climbing, which is a good thing, but it also fosters germs, so I'm hacking and sneezing again today.

In looking at my past from childhood to the present, I have come to the realization, after reading your post, that I've been "acting" most of my life.

Not that good things have happened besides the bad, I know now why I'm sad more often than not, which forces me to "act".

I guess this is something I can now work with my therapist on.
THANK YOU !!!!!

Thanks T, again for a great article

Blanche, I echo your remark, i feel like I have been acting since my teenage years. I find it hard to feel real. To let down the mask and truly be authentic. There are definitely times i need the mask, but when I don't I can't seem to drop it. This leaves me feeling separated, even from those I am close to.

The last major job I did as a contractor, summer 05, I made the bid, got the job, all the while sinking deeper into depression and anxiety. When It came time to do the job, which I had planned to do myself, I just couldn't bring myself to do it, i was overwhelmed. But I desparatly needed the money. I couldn't say I am depressed and anxiety ridden, or I didn't think I could. I feigned a knee injury, hired a guy i barely knew who talked a great game, and started the job. The guy i hired did about three days decent work and then became a liability, long story short i ended up losing a lot of money. I got out of another job with a lie and did the last of my commitments with a good crew doing almost all the hands on work, I did planning, bought materials, inspected and pretty much just supervised. It went pretty well, but afterwards i crashed and eventually ended up in the mental ward. I still 'Fake it" sometimes, but I don't lie anymore. My illness is an open book in the job I have now, I've been blessed, they've worked with me, and respected that i have been open from the beginning.

I still pray to be able to be real. to let down the mask and truly relate to to others. I am not very successful, and this leads to frustration. I so much want to live an authentic life not only for better interpersonal relationships but also a better self image and, most importantly, a better relationship with God.
Mark

this does follow what you are talking about...i hope.
i just started my journey off of my meds with which i've been such a good girl for over 10 years. once i really was "stabilized" on meds my life went horribly wrong. suddenly there were suicide attempts. long periods of isolating, fatigue, depression, pain. loss of my usual resilliance. believe me i was "tigger"! but all of that changed gradually, then drastically. i am so far away from the person i was. i thought i was doing all of the right things therapy and recovery-wise and for the first few years all looked great. but when i sat down and told my psych. that i wanted off the meds. i wanted to know my "baseline"...i just wanted to try. if things went horribly wrong i'd agree to go back on the meds. but, he dropped me as a patient and i'm floating without any medical support. i'd been with this doc and his predecessor for almost 10 years...never a problem in all of those years. yet i ask to get off the meds...take a drug holiday and he drops me. i've been held up at home for weeks now. depression and anxiety are through the roof. my memory is so shot that i hope i'm making sense. i feel like i'm in a long tunnel, sensory-wise.

well, this is what i wrote...maybe it's out of place for this topic...maybe there's something in there someone can relate to. maybe you can let me know i'm just detoxing and not loosing my mind!

art interrupted
reclaiming artistic creativity

do you know of resources for the physical and psychological rehabilitation of fine artists: painters, illustrators, designers, etc. artists who've experienced an interference in their career due to physical and or psychological trauma?

eight years ago i walked away from a life long career as an artist/designer. something, physical, psychological and work related happened(another story). with not twenty minutes notice, i picked-up and ran.

after that, i just carried on. i found things i thought i could be passionate about, and settled in to accept my "lot in life”. First i checked out seminary; then tried graduate studies in counseling; then medical technology assisting; then phlebotomy and even tried to start a small business. but, the internal discomfort and constant "disconnects" became too great and frequent. one morning i was reading a daily meditation and it jarred me to the core:

"imagine living in your head, untrue to your heart.
the pain of separation.
imagine the depth of the longing
for peace."
--unknown

that day I began "coming out" to the people around me who only knew the “post art-life me". i got honest...real honest...to my doctors, therapists, friends, co-workers...everyone involved in my life. i told them who i really was and what i'd been doing for the last eight years. the fake smiles, lying, false positive attitude. saying that all was well and that i was "ok".

all was not well, and i was not ok.

gradually, a couple of years back i began coming to a dramatic personal discovery. i was observing that everything i'd tried since leaving my last job and artistic career, well...i just wasn't thriving nor did i possess the necessary drive and follow-through…essentially i was not succeeding at anything. I was slowly dying inside. I’m 44 as I write this, and I won’t live the rest of my life as I had been for over eight years. (with 20 years lost to drinking and my last 10 years in and out of recovery that leaves the first 14 and believe me those weren’t good. So, I’m motivated) i had to be honest with myself and the others trying to help me. my heart was somewhere else. i was walking around absent, vacant, empty. i did so with a positive attitude, putting on a smile and believing that if i behave a certain way the rest would follow. what a bunch of crap! (in this instance.) you can't behave yourself into something you're not...not really.

yes, as adults we do a lot of things we don't "like" doing. but should we live a life we don't "love"? if we are keenly aware and can become committed to making a change, we seek out and make a life we can love. we can't live a lie once we know the truth.

one of my many uncompleted efforts was my masters program in counseling. I was a dual major and i completed my courses in vocational rehabilitation counseling. based on personal experience, what i studied and the work i'd done, i designed an informal program of "creative, artistic recovery" for myself. i try working the various components, but often find that my motivation can be challenged. the "coming back" part is often routine, repetitive, unrewarding, exhausting...results are rarely very exciting or noteworthy...especially if you try to "share" with people not involved...which is really everyone i know. If I try to explain what I’m doing, I get so many screwed up responses…”what “rehab” could you possibly need to do to get back into design and art?”

"rehabilitating the artist in yourself?” “what's with that?” ”just sit down and do it.” “that's the kind of thing you never loose.” “It’s always inside you, just find it.” “just use discipline!"

i want to scream!

Here’s the shortlist of issues I need to address: my hand muscles have atrophied. my strength/stamina both in my hands and in general is very poor. my eye-hand coordination is off. my color, depth, shape...perception is horrible. my vision has deteriorated (ok I’m not twenty anymore.). lack of exposure and lack of the constant doing has dulled me beyond just dull. kindergarteners have better artistic, verbal and visual vocabularies. the list goes on.

i am "broken".

just how relevant or important is all of this? why should i be so upset? well only another artist, and preferably someone who's shared my experience, could probably answer that question.

where are the others like me?

well, most of my friends, after i “came out”, said i never looked quite right in suits and scrubs. i was somehow awkward or something was "off", but they couldn't put their finger on it.
Now what I’m about to reveal may seem like an aside but it may be useful for illustrating my plight: i am a recovering alcoholic. I began that journey in '97...the people making these comments are mostly fellow recovering people. A majority of us are a bit "off" so it’s easy to overlook or just put aside that "uncomfortable, misfit" look. we all have it some or all of the time, because we're drunks living sober! many of us are "displaced" because of our disease.
our comfortable state of being vs our necessary state of being.

many recovering alcoholics adapt because they've moved to a place that is healthier for them.
the alcoholic's "necessary" (sobriety) become comfortable,
because our "comfortable" (drunk) was not necessary.

Most alcoholics are not career artists though, so this juggling of words can't be made true for an artist who leaves their art (terminally unique me).
an artist's "necessary" (creativity) is comfortable
because our "comfortable" (creativity) is necessary.

“artist” is not a disease you can cure. “artist” is not a career you can walk away from, because it is not simply a career as most people understand a career. art isn’t merely a calling. art drives you. art permeates every aspect of our life's story...from birth. So, being an artist, to live a life with out art, is hardly living or living at a great disadvantage.

how we, as artists, navigate, interpret and communicate with the world is through our artistic lenses, filters and canvases. without them...

…well…try this: put on a blindfold, earplugs, a gag, maybe gloves...plug your nose and numb your taste buds, remove the ability to sense temperature, wind or touch grazing your skin...eliminate all emotions. try this and you come close to living a life with out being you...an artist without their art. sure...this experiment would suck for anyone. but rarely does a change in careers or majors effect someone this way. (symptoms/experiences such as these result from damage or disease and are treated. as a society, we do not expect another human or animal for that, to live at such a deficit, if it can be helped.)

in the eight years since i've left my art, all of those symptoms have haunted me nearly all of my waking hours. and, if I’ve slept well, i’ve rarely had a dream. i became a fairly good actress and a miserable person. I’ve helped a lot of people but couldn't help myself.

but you know, the saddest truth i discovered was that, eight years ago i really left "a bad work situation" (an intolerable one, that gave me a nervous breakdown). in spite of finding spirituality, recovery, a great psychiatrist, a wonderful psychologist and numerous good friends we all missed the key ingredient to my truly becoming well. i associated my work as an artist with the bad office environment i was in. i thought being an artist was unhealthy for me when in fact it was my work environment that was unhealthy.

this little twist of logic was never questioned.

i literally threw the baby out with the bath water! for the first time i really get that stupid saying!

I walked away from my art claiming post traumatic stress disorder, equating creativity with the trauma my work situation had caused. nothing more was said or done about the situation. I was given more drugs, offered vocational rehabilitation. God was creativity and art that dangerous? was being artistic a disease or disorder that needed to be treated? mainstream me so I’m easier to manage. If I’m no longer creative I can’t create waves, question or challenge the status quo. Sound angry? I am. Not at any one person, institution or myself. There’s no fault here. Not for lost time. Nothing was really lost. Just angry. Ok sarcastic maybe?

so what do i do for rehab? it's a long, but very intentional list of exercises that i set out to practice so I might be able to create again, work and maybe show my art. i even took a job at a pet store because elements of that are part of my rehab plan. I took that job for reasons above and beyond saying “i'll do this for an income to support what i'm doing”. this job is below my abilities, but i took this job because i will do anything to get back "to me". (not "where i was"...that's not an option...that's a deadly perceptual trap.)

i don't believe anyone can succeed at any rehab alone. i've learned this too many different ways! sure spirituality is great, and it’s nice to have a few cheerleaders. but like i told a friend in a wheelchair who never stops harping that "you don't know what it's like"...”i don't, and can't know what it's like”…for her...

understand, the bottom line of having shared experiences in recovery is, that we need someone who, we can trust knows, what it's like!

i would like to find existing programs and support...in my field of recovery: recovery in fine art...i’d like to meet other painters, illustrators, potterists, sculptors needing recovery like me. i already have recovery support for my other issues and the tools do translate, but the language and intimacy does not.

do you know what is available out there for us...for me?

thank you,
suzanne

Suzanne - your psychiatrist was right in letting you go if you were non compliant with meds. The first thing you learn about the mentally ill is that they go off their meds as soon as they think they're better. Stop trying to be "cool and deep" with your artistic identity. Stop deluding youself and get some help.

There is nothing shameful or wrong about treating an illness... Go back on your MEDS!