Wow:
I was in tears the other night, talking about this phenomenon with my spouse! When I am feeling “less than” and pressured to look a certain way, or create a nice environment (clean house, nice bday present, whatever), I can find myself waayyy off track financially.
I struggle against NOT spending for a long time (a matter of survival here) but feel tortured by the expectation that I’m supposed to provide something that can only be had thru spending (a dress for an in-law party — one that that fits after a weight gain, for example, and must be chic). And then and some point the pressure build enough where I just say “screw it.” But then after I walk around with shame and guilt, and my spouse is left with fear about how to get out from under all this debt…and I’m sure sometimes a nagging feeling of whether it’s worth it all to stay in this marriage when my pocketbook-mania is raising his blood pressure so.
Sadness combined with self-absorption: that’s it in a nutshell! lol
My spouse pointed out/clarified to me the other night that what I’m reading as external pressure is actually internal — that no one is placing those expectations of being more, giving more, etc. That it really is coming from a place inside of feeling less than. And that maybe I should just try giving myself a break here, emotionally.
Did I mention that I love that guy!?

I used to be a credit card-aholic.
I think it was a way of asserting control when you feel your life is out-of-control. (But of course, as I learned the hard way, it just makes things worse in the long run.)

re: My spouse pointed out/clarified to me the other night that what I’m reading as external pressure is actually internal — that no one is placing those expectations of being more, giving more, etc. That it really is coming from a place inside of feeling less than. And that maybe I should just try giving myself a break here, emotionally.
Did I mention that I love that guy!?
Posted by: Lisa | February 21, 2008 11:21 AM
Lisa, you lucky girl!! and after reading your post, I like him alot too
Blessings and hugz,
Cully

oh Larry, here’s a horror story…
had a friend who’s hubby was a credit card-aholic and a gambler (as well as a liar and a blow hard know it all). My friend and I were offered a retirement package that you would have to be brain dead to pass up. We took retirement (whatever else we are not brain dead LOL). My friend’s hubby convinced her to take the buy-out rather than monthly payout – we had been told in a seminar that because we were so young to be retiring that the monthly payout would be very advantageous, but Mr. Big-spender-know-it-all said she didn’t need the monthly payout and he would invest the money for her. (I can hear you gasping a NO!) He retired 2 years later after 40+ years with a small town utility co. Long story short – he died 7 years later, and during this time he completely depleted his retirement benefits and spent most of her buyout funds, and she had to go back to work.
He was never depressed a day in his life – thought everyone was a jerk and only worth whatever he could get out of them (her included). She suffers deep dark depression which includes hoarding, thoughts of suicide, and rages of anger/resentment towards me, her children (from 1st marriage – and hated by Mr. Big-spender-know-it-all) and grandchildren. Stockholm syndrome.
You did good, my friend – you learned before it was too late.. *being in control by spending* is loosing all control.
Blessings and hugz,
Cully

if you think depressed is wspending — go with me and my friend when we are BOTH on a manic phase—-
this is why I refuse to have credit cards
if I don’t have the cash — I can’t buy it
it’s the only way to protect my budget during those a little too up times and when those credit card offers come — they get shredded
fast.
when I’m depressed — the last place I want to be is in a store — all those choices are just too overwhelming — but when I’m manic —- watch out!!!!

The spending safari is just a band-aid on an aching void! You find yourself hunting for the wrong game. It’s all about the same thing, trying to bridge the gap between wanting and having. The problem is when you attempt to solve the emotional pain with material gain, it won’t fly! I think Lisa’s hubby is a very wise” old soul”. You must first identify the need before you can find the remedy. The best things in life ARE free and you won’t feel guilty afterward.( a solvent bank account and self respect). I was raised on the “Pay the bill when you get it”. Then at least there’s no interest involved. Yeah, yeah I know compulsives are’nt logical.

i know the feeling have ended up in bankruptcy twice before i learned my lesson.now if i dont have the money i dont buy it.i had to find other ways to make me happy.liveing alone now also helps because if i get in a mess there is not anyone to pull me out of it.

Thank G-d, I never went shopping to relieve my depression, but perhaps I did only not on a grand scale. I still have at least two items in my closet that I’ve not worn or found the opportunity to wear them. I’ve not given them away, as they tell us to do when something is in the closet, unworn, for over 1 year. They represent “Hope” to me. They’re so above board that maybe that’s why I bought them, maybe I’d never have the opportunity to meet Queen Elizabeth in person while wearing those items, but there’s always hope and it’s good. In a way it’s like an expectant mother buying pretty little things for her unborn baby.

Instead of going shopping go see a movie. I’ve found that if I sit for 2 hours concentrating in something that’s in front of me, not inside of me, when I emerge from the theater I feel refreshed. There’s no comparison between maxing your credit cards and buying a ticket to the movies. Years ago I used to take off from work once a month on tuesdays to go to the movies, and helped me cope with a job i detested and where my mental well being was tested every minute I spent in that high rise with a fantastic view of San Francisco and the bay, it was really a prison with a nice view.

This is so interesting. I have been wondering about my weird relationship with shopping while depressed i and thought it was just a craziness that was unique to me. It is so good to hear others have trouble with the same issue..
It makes so much more sense to me after reading this article although I am much more similar to Elizabeth in that I can’t make any sort of basic shopping decision while depressed. I burst into tears in the GAP over which T- shirt to buy, the grocery store (should I buy lettuce or will it just go bad in the fridge?… is $1.99 too much for lettuce? how many meals will I use this lettuce for? ), Rite Aid (makeup isle of course… long story) … you name it.
I like the idea to go see a movie to avoid a spending spree- That has helped me to calm down when feeling very anxious and panicky- it’s a great distraction. I’ve been depressed for a year and a half… my husband and I see a lot of movies.

I have had big problems with “overshopping.” It’s usually not a planned thing. I have to go to the store to pick up my meds. And somehow items just jump in my cart. I really don’t need anything to hang, look at, rugs for bathroom, towels………..etc. But I find myself going up & down all the aisles. Well not tools & such stuff. Sale prices make a strong case for me buying “that thing.” And the worst purchases are candy, cookies & other goodies that I will eat when no one is watching me.
By the way, I also go to movies to get relief from too much thinking. It seems the perfect answer to my depression. Be distracted from my life AND get to eat & drink as much soda as I want. In the dark of the theater, the calories don’t count!!! I know I’m warped but I’m still a work in progress.

We can also shop the Thrift Shops! I’ve found veritable treasures there and it’s good to know that my money is helping a good cause.

Cleo:
you are SO RIGHT!! A cousin of mine whose high style I’ve pften covted does almost ALL her clothing shopping at Good Will and Salvation Army. (I didn’t believe her the first time she told me) Fashions tend to come back into style after a time, and one can find “vintage” pieces dor next to nothing while, as you say, supporting a worthy cause. Thrift shops aren’t just for halloween costumes anymore, particularly those located in more affluent areas where women can and do reonvent their look every season!

It’s so interesting to see how brain chemistry is affected by shopping. My mother has Alzheimer’s and not too long ago, I took her into a store, a very rare treat nowadays. She chose a couple of items of clothing and when we got to the cashier she blurted out to me “Thank you so much for taking me to do this! This makes me feel like I’m not an invalid!”

It’s part of what I’ve posted before called the “verbs” – shopping, spending, eating, drinking, sleeping. They’re all likely if you’re depressed or manic. For me, I’ve disovered it’s part of a search for comfort, to make myself feel better in the midst of a negative time. So what else can we do instead? Post on Group Beyond Blue!!! Make friends, clean and organize, and the dreaded exercise. Any other suggestions?

Hi, There are times when Iam so sad I just know death would be so so much better It would be peaceful how do I get out of this without rehashing my childhood

Shoping doesnt help drinking doesnt help but I need help