Dear God, You gave us the perfect prescription for recovery from depression in today’s reading, from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians (5:8-14):
Brothers and Sisters: You were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light, for light produces every kind of goodness and righteousness and truth. Try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the fruitless works of darkness; rather expose them, for it is shameful even to mention the things done by them in secret; but everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for everything that becomes visible is light.
In other words, God, to laugh and smile like the average American, we must become ex-suicides.
I don’t mean persons who have attempted suicide, but what novelist Walker Percy called “ex-suicides,” writers overcoming despair by emptying themselves onto paper (and into the Internet) and forming a bond of communion with the reader.
“For author and reader, literature that honestly names the truth of being can reverse—albeit temporarily—the death-in-life alienation and despair,” writes John F. Desmond in his fascinating article “Walker Percy and Suicide” published in the journal “Modern Age.” “Writer and reader become ‘ex-suicides’ in humility before the truth.”
Percy drew many of his philosophies and themes from the Christian existential thinker Soren Kierkegaard, who described despair as not being conscious of having a self, and not willing to be oneself. And the way we overcome that, according to Kierkegaard, is by finding our true identity and becoming “transparent under God.”
There’s nothing short of strip teasing that could get me more transparent under God than writing Beyond Blue. Every day I write—full Monty style—about my very imperfect recovery (from everything), I expose all sorts of moles and cellulite patches to the public.
And you better bet there are ample freak-outs behind the scene every time I make myself vulnerable to readers, some of whom can be pretty mean (take the lady who called me a “bitter, complaining, self-serving, whiny white woman,” not that I memorized her words). I obsess in the shower about what I should have left out. And I can’t press “send” in my e-mail box without at least one good round of second-guessing about the Beyond Blue post in which I disclosed an ugly memory or an unbecoming quality of mine (jealousy, hypocrisy, and rage come to mind).
But then I’ll get a note on the comment board of Beyond Blue or an old-fashioned letter in the mail that says something like this: “Wow. I feel that way too! I am so happy you articulated it. Now I don’t feel so alone.” And I know it was the right thing to do, even if I’m walking with my tail (or computer) between my legs.
Abraham Lincoln, one of my mental health heroes, was an ex-suicide. Two years before he became our country’s 16th president, Mr. Emancipation wrote:
The inclination to exchange thoughts with one another is probably an original impulse of our nature. If I be in pain I wish to let you know it, and to ask your sympathy and assistance; and my pleasurable emotions also, I wish to communicate to, and share with you.
In the early 90’s, another ex-suicide, humorist Art Buchwald, candidly discussed his suicidal days and vacations at the psych ward on “Larry King Live” for this reason: “Celebrities (and insignificant people like me, he would add) can play a role in helping depressed people: When Bill Styron or Mike Wallace admit they struggled with depression, suffers say, ‘If they can have one, then I guess so can I.’ Styron, for one, is a role model for me.”
For an article in “Psychology Today” about celebrity meltdowns and famous people who have suffered from depression, Buchwald wrote this in his introduction: “Talking about depression seems to help me as much as the people I am talking to. I wouldn’t want another depression in a million years but I have made peace with the two I have had.”
I think, Creator of me and all whackjobs, that’s what Paul was instructing the Ephesians to do when he said to “take no part in the fruitless works of darkness; rather expose them,” even if doing so is embarrassing and makes us vulnerable to a cruel world.
The longer that I write Beyond Blue the more convinced I am that the only way out of despair (along with taking meds, of course) is by sharing our pain with others, to become transparent in order to give our tears some meaning, and, as my mental health hero Kay Redfield Jamison says, to “share our joy with those less joyful and encourage passion when it seems likely to promote the common good.”
Because if we do that, we’ll find ourselves in the light much more often than in darkness.
Right?
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After experiencing depression, anxiety, and OCD since childhood, I had an incredible experience when the antidepressant Zoloft finally started to work, namely I was happy. The meds did not make me happy but brought perspective, hope, and the light into my life. I remember staring at rocks in a small puddle and thinking they had the most amazing colors; the black cloud had lifted..What I didn't know is that ten years later I would experience night sweats, muscle spasms, and crying jags--the medication was just not as effective even at higher levels. So now I'm on Paxil but even on Paxil there were mornings this winter when I did not want to get out of bed. My son keeps me going though; he is my source of hope and light, and my motivation for choosing each day to be optimistic and grateful. For him, an anxious 12 year-old who inherited some of my problems, my life is his inspiration. I know a progressive nun who once described our lives as daily dying and being resurrected. For the chronically depressed, this cycle is more tactile like swimming up through the weeded water of a murky pond--the light is there but the daily journey can be a struggle even with the exercise, therapy, fish oil, paxil, prayers, and yes, medication.
Moneza:
I somehow missed your comments when I first read this post. Upon reading them, I feel a (nearly physical) need to respond.
Fiest of all, our beloved Jesus IS for everyoddy! Some of us just aren't ready to accept Him when we first hear about His Grest Saxrifice. He knew from his days on earth when he first began His spiritual journey that this would be so,yet he accepted His mission with Love for ALL mankind anyway.
This is not meant to discount other beliefs or figures of worship. IMHO nearly all of the world's religions can (and maybe should) coexist with a mutual understanding and acceptance if we all operate from a base of love and acceptance. The philosophies and teachings of all the great prophets (Muhammad, Bhudda, etc.) have more similarities than differences.
Secondly, the reason that our beloved Therese believes that we should all use an holistic approach to fighting our mutual diseases is that she understands that what helps one will not necessarily be the same thing that saves another. If you'll take the time to explore these archives, you'll find that Therese herself uses other tools besides her meds in her daily struggle to find some equilibrium in her life. You will also discover that she has a respect for faiths which are not her own and makes a point of sharing relevant texts and teachings of nearly every faith which is practiced bt the many souls who inhabit this world.
I am very sorry that you had a negative experience with medications. Many of us have had to undergo a period of constant adjustment and changes before we found the combination that worked for us. Therese herself went through (if I remember correctly) TWENTY-THREE "cocktails" to arrive at the blessed space where she finds some relief from her suicidal thoughts and can function in a world where our illness is still too frequently considered to be a weakness rather than an illness. You're correct in stating that one particular drug doesn't (sadly) help everyone, but that is also true of cancer medications and the drugs aimed at managng most other major illnesses. I know it took some trial and error for my docs to figure out exactly which meds would control my diabetes and cholesterol problems Maybe someday medical science will evolve to the point when there IS one drug which works for each of the diseases we battle in our individual quests for BOTH physical and mental health, but we're not there yet for ANY disease of which I am aware. And in order to get there,if we ever can, we must go through trial and error. I think perhaps you misunderstand There'ses mission here on Beyond blue. It is NOT to push drugs! She attempts to inform and share ALL treatment oprions which currently exist to help us as we struggle dailyand battle the common miscomception that there is something inherently WEAK or WRONG with those of us who suffer a mental illness so as to break down the stigmas and prejudices which exist in our society even in the twenty-first century,
Blessings on you as you make your own journey. I pray that WHATEVER helps you need to heal your spirit are found and that you get through your battles as soon as possinle. Maybe meds WON'T be a part of your protocol, but the possibility exists that you haven't found the right one yet and that when you do it will present you with an "AHA!" moment. I also hope that your spiritual quest, whatever it may be will one day allow you to have the kind of personal walk with G-d that enables us mere humans to comprehend the magnitude of His love for each of us. Walk in peace and love, dear.
Therese,
Every time I read one of your posts I have to smile. You have no idea how grateful my wife and I are for your bravery. Our daughter is diagnosed bi-polar and all that goes along with it and our son and I have severed anxiety disorder. We don't get to read your posts every day but when one of us do it helps to validate all we have experienced as a family especially the interminable search for the right medication and the ugly looks and whispers of others. Know that our prayers are with you and everyone who suffers from this and so many other mental illnesses. Never worry about what others say, even if it is cruel and unjustified. No one except the person who has gone to the depths of despare can ever understand what someone else is feeling or has felt. You are a hero to us and you are a blessing in our lives. God bless you!!
I really found this article interesting,cause,where theres good, theres gonna be bad,always lurching about for the most vulnerable! TO STEAL, KILL, @ destroy! I was raised with a good christian background,although somethings still happened to me, that at the tender age I was,I did not understand, & still can not fathom in my mind,even at the age of 43 yrs. old. I am a young,&PROUD grandmother of 2 very loving,beautiful children.we are expecting our 3rd in 01-08! WITH a ton of MERCY,ALOT OF GOOD&BAD CHANGES IN MY LIFE,ALOT OF PRAYER&PRAYERPARTNERS,& MEDS.Yes everyone should not live in glass houses,afterall,I personally think that made my struggles worse on self!After trying multiple attempts of suicide,I finally had enough,earlier yrs.of acting out,self destuctive I was diagnosed with delayed traumatic trauma& depression,this also led to anxiousness,anxiety attacks,without being treated with the right meds.& a very good support system,I personally felt a little better,
Therese, please continue to share your thoughts and feelings. You are a touchstone and anchor for so many of us. Thank you!
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