I'm reading, and rereading this archive post this week.
Today would have been a good day for me to wear the t-shirt that says, "I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either."
As I progress in my recovery, I am a choosier shopper when it comes to friendships--I can now recognize when I’m being treated unfairly, or without respect, and I don’t feel as much need to stick around just to prevent causing waves. Nor can I afford to share myself with everyone who comes along. That’s too dangerous and wearing--with pieces of your soul left out to dry on too many doormats--not to mention impossible (like the saying goes: you can please everyone some of the time, and some people all the time, but not everyone all of the time). I need to surround myself with people who are working just as hard as I am at staying well and positive, resisting the plethora of opportunities to turn to the Dark Side and talk trash and gloom.
I feel much like Anne Morrow Lindbergh, who wrote in "Gift From the Sea," "I shall ask into my shell only those friends with whom I can be completely honest. What a rest that will be! The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere."
However, even as I’m beginning to know what I need and want, saying no and erecting the proper boundaries to get there still feel as uncomfortable and awkward as wearing a too-big wetsuit backwards.
I say that because I ran into my friend Fran (for the first time since I abruptly ended our friendship in a phone call) on the same day that I tried out a wetsuit I bought online (the frugal side of my brain handcuffed the logical part, and decided that buying a used wetsuit off eBay for my triathlon was the way to go).
"So, how do you think it fits?" I asked a bunch of competitive swimmers--some who had swum the width of the Chesapeake Bay--at the Naval Academy pool, where I was about to test the fit and buoyancy of my Internet bargain.
"Well, I can’t really tell when you wear it backwards," one the guys said. "Turn it around and then try it out in the water. You’ll know immediately if it’s too big because it will draw in water, and basically sink you. If it fits right, or even if it’s a bit snug, you will love the thing as it will help you sail along."
After I put the thing on the right way and dove in, I knew after two strokes that I had just wasted $50. (Eric was right again, dang it.) Two lengths of the pool consumed the energy of about 30 laps. This eBay treasure felt all wrong...cumbersome, bulky, restricting...the way it feels for this stage-four people-pleaser to erect necessary boundaries in some of her relationships.
After seeing Fran for the first time in over six months, I knew that breaking off that tight bond was absolutely the right thing to do (hey, there’s progress!)--in my mind, there was no explaining away the breach of trust that I was very hurt by or rationalizing the self-destructive behavior.
But like all relationships, there was a lot of good there that I had to let go of--hanging out downtown or at the parks or museums while our kids beat up each other in Batman and Spider-Man suits. And for those fun times, I wanted to gloss over what went wrong.
In many ways, it felt like my bad breakup with my college boyfriend. I tried to talk myself into keeping him around--because there were so many wonderful and decent things about the relationship. But my gut kept on reminding me about that fundamental rift in values, a nagging that tugged at my conscience.
Like Anne Morrow Lindbergh said, it’s about being sincere--which means hanging out with people who respect me in the same way that I respect them, and sharing meals with girlfriends and couples who motivate you to be better people.
Yes. All that makes sense. But God was it uncomfortable today abiding by the boundary I built last winter. My mouth opened to apologize, and say, "Let’s just forget about it, and go on." But I closed it before the regret snuck out. I searched for words. Finally, "How are you?" came out.
The two-second conversation was as stiff and difficult and unpleasant as swimming in that oversized wetsuit. My head was buried somewhere in the chest seams with all the chlorinated water trapped in the suit, bringing me down.
But if I keep on practicing my boundary-building skills, one day I will find that, like a wetsuit that fits perfectly, I am staying buoyant with little effort of my own. The boundaries will assist me in conserving energy for the things I love--moving swiftly and freely in fresh water--all the while protecting me from the nasty jelly fish and the chilling temperatures of the bay (or a bad relationship).
One day I will intuitively know how to say no, and not feel guilty. Okay that’s a stretch. One day my guilt in erecting a boundary will last one day (maybe even a few hours), not the sixth months (or more) it does now.
Moreover, this afternoon I took a baby step toward becoming a more sincere person. And even in its awkwardness, that feels good.
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Hello,
I have just read this page for the first time.
I am sitting at home after being advised to take a week off work.
I was experiencing an accumulation of stress/anxiety due to
a)changes at work we didn't have training in,
b)stress at home (husband's job insecurity)
and
c)us wanting to be approved to adopt a child
and the uncertainty of when the team approving us
would enter our home for the first time!
c) would have to be combined with d) grief coming
to surface about not gaining a second child naturally, so
havingto go through that process in the first place!
(We have one of our own)
I have been painitng, walking the dog, seeing friends, easing off coffee. I expect the stress will re-surface when i return to work
this week as some things won't be resolved, but most of the time the team there are great. The website here is a great idea.
ANY OTHER SUGGESTIONS FOR ME ABOUT HOW TO APPROACH THIS MIX? :-)
This is for Sheryl: I have been going through the same as you. With past boyfriends, family and friends. It seems that some of us are too nice and too naive. I asked God about it because I started to feel like there was something seriously wrong with me. My self-esteem was completely crushed. I didn't know who I was anymore and it felt so painful inside and it looked like there was no way out. All my life I had been treated this way. Not just with a boyfriend but with parents, siblings and friends. Even with teachers. I started really thinking that something was wrong and deep inside I always felt like a second-class citizen, like someone who didn't matter. so I asked God: why do people treat me with so much disrespect and I keep saying nothing and I keep giving and giving and giving ? God explained to me that because my parents had been treating me this way since a litle girl, it had been embedded deeply within my identity and I wasn't fully aware of it. It had layed the framework for my relationship boundaries for the rest of my life. It's like an invisible code of conduct...I started to turn to God who showed me that I was valuable and priceless to Him. God also showed me that people are fundamentally different in personalities at birth. Some of us are givers, others are takers, others are more ambitious than others, others more compassionatee; yet some are more naturally reserved or outgoing than others. You can't blame it on the way they were raised or on the culture they live in. It is fundamental. So we are a mix of fundamental personality traits and of the environment and culture in which we developed and formed our identity. So...something interesting...I know some people who have been treated worse than me in childhood and yet they do not end up allowing others to walk all over them as much and they have more confidence than me. I came to realize that their natural personality is more outgoing than mine. I dont know if it makes sense in the psychological world, but that has been my observation along with a lot of insight from God. SO...it took my years but I started replacing bad thoughts and feelings about myself with positive ones. Trust me this isn't easy AT ALL. and it takes a long time. I ENDED ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS. I had to come to the place where I realized that 100% of my relationships were bad ones, including blood relatives. Some i DECIDED TO end for a season until I'd be more confident and stronger, however I would not give priority to them and they would be very casual. Some I decided to completely cut off...and my friend IT HAS MADE AN AMAZING DIFFERENCE. I started OBSERVING "normal" relationships. Randomly on the streets or at work or anywhere or in movies or other social settings...and I started seeing how people talked to each other. They didn't disrespect each other the way people had been disrespecting me. What truly helped me was that God started bringing good people in my life with the same personality traits as me and what BAFFLED ME is that they would treat me the way that I treated others who would disrespect me (meaning with respect and giving, giving, giving). I started to understand that the problem WAS NOT ME but the others. My only problem was that I had been naive enough to stay within those abusive relationships (esp. emotional abuse).
The problem for me was I could not understand why some people are "nicer" than others...I put everyone on the same level and so when people treated me bad I felt it must have been me or my attitude or not doing enough....interestingly though, when I'd be with the nice kind of people who were like me (respectful and givers) they would not AT ALL make me feel like something was wrong with me. Not that its always perfect but it certainly is not a way of life nor an everyday occurence. So I am truly trusting my feelings. As soon as someone makes me feel "bad" I immediately know it is on their end and I just CUT OFF immediately. Why are some people more respectful than others ? Sure they may be depressed and there may be zillions of logical explanations...but at the end of the day if someone keeps treating you bad and doesnt make en effort to get well emmotionally and seek treatment they are responsible for it. I was severly abused for years yet I still would never dare to treat another person with disrespect bc I know how that feels and I could never do it to another, even if I did start being angry all the time and mean, I'd immediately seek treatment and get whatever help I could to get well and not be disrespectfull.
BASICALLY TRUST YOUR FEELINGS. YOU ARE VALUABLE AND LOVED BY GOD. YOU ARE MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD. YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE TREAT YOU BAD BUT THATS NOT YOUR JOB. YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE AND RESPECT. BLESSINGS
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR POSTING THIS.. I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH BI-POLAR IN THE MIDDLE 90'S ..UNFORTUNATELY MY HUSBAND AT THE TIME DIDN'T UNDERSTAND TOO MUCH ABOUT WHY I HAD SUCH EXTREME MOODINESS AND SEVERE DEPRESSION, NOT TO MENTION SPENDING SPREE'S AND OTHER CHANGES WITHIN ME THAT TOOK PLACE..MY MARRIAGE SUFFERED GREATLY...HE DIVORCED ME SOON AFTER THAT. MY SON AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE HAD TO GROW UP WITHOUT HIS MOM...THE COURT TOOK MY PARENTAL RIGHTS AWAY FROM ME..SO FROM THE TIME MY SON WAS 9YEARS OLD UNTIL HE TURNED 18 I DID NOT SEE HIM BUT WAS ABLE TO SPEAK TO HIM... AT TIMES I WAS TO AFRAID AND EMBARRESED TO EVEN TALK TO HIM. MY SON IS NOW 26YEARS OLD..ENGAGED AND WE HAVE A TERRIFIC MOTHER SON RELATIONSHIP... I HAVE BEEN OUT OF HOSPITALS SINCE 2001...WORKING, THRIVING, A VERY MUCH A CHANGED WOMAN...HAPPIER..MUCH MORE IN TUNE WITH MYSELF..AND NO LONGER A PEOPLE PLEASING PERSON. I HAVE GROWN....AND YES NOW I CAN UNDERSTAND THROUGH EXPERIENCE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT THEY HAVE BI-POLAR...AND BE ABLE TO OFFER THEM SUPPORT AND HOPE.... AND SAY IT'S NOT CATCHY
Always remembering if you forget the past you are bound to repeat it.
Holding on to memories is my forte'. Being an official die-hard I'm usually the last one to let go of the rope. Thus, I suffer the greatest
fall.
Word to the wise, first horse out of the gate usually crosses the finish line with least effort.
Stay prayed-up.
If there is any thing that i have learnt in life its ... that u need to plz your self b4 u can plz others , we only have one life its about enjoying it , like the old sayin goes messery needs company its so true look around u , r those negative people around u bringing you down as a person ,sorround your self with real people who r happy with them self , there life and PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT JUDGING YOU , be true to who u r and not what others wont you to be ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, make your life for you and every thing esle will be right and so easy , being u makes you a better friend , wife , lover , mother , empolyee and person to yourself
.......................................................................
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