Absolutely, T. You need to do this for yourself. We’ll be here when you feel you can jump in but when you’re not, well, we’ll be pulling for you – as you do for us. This boundary issue is hard work – so we’ll wish you well (and ourselves) as we get a handle on it. Onward!
Frank,

Therese, since you are working on boundaries & lots more, this gives me a chance to concentrate on this subject. Oh, if everyone in our family’s, friendships & school, church, etc;………let us know what their boundaries are & we can better define ours to ourselves & others. It’s always so easy to say , but so hard to pull off.
FYI; 6 to 10 inches of snow in St. Louis

Well-placed boundaries aren’t a negative. I think they are a tremendous help in maintaining relationships. BB is an ongoing relationship and I for one appreciate having boundaries delineated. We all know that you are a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and writer. I’m sure that you wear a few more hats, as well. Your family, especially your children, have first dibs on your time. They have a right to a mother who takes care of herself. Eric has a right to quality time with his wife.
As faithful readers and correspondants, we appreciate all the effort that goes into creating this blog every day. The last thing any of us would want to see is your health and/or family relationships suffer. Selfishly, we want you here for the long haul, so Therese, whatever it takes….

Therese:
I applaud your efforts to “Physician, heal thyself” so that you can best represent the Beyond Blue community as an example of ideal mental health. After all, in the words of Carolyn Burnham (Annette Bening) from “American Beauty,” “In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times.”
(SARCASM ALERT …)
OK, maybe that quasi-”Secret” mumbo-jumbo from the most dysfunctional character in the Oscar-winning movie (saying something in a film that included a teen vixen, a pot-smoking, job-quitting ephebophile and a sadistic closeted gay Marine) wasn’t the best example.
(Ya think?)
But actually, that was just my point. You don’t have to put up a front with us, Therese — EVER. It doesn’t mean you love us any less if you need to rededicate your love to your family and your friends IRL. What is it they say about needing three hugs a day for basic survival? (Even given my current pneumonia, I’ve been running a deficit there for a long time …) Only with the support and comfort of those closest to you can you extend to help the outside world — WITHIN REASON. And only with your honesty do we have the glue that holds this community together. A little honest glue goes a long way more than a lot of fudged glue.
BTW, I’ve found one of the biggest barriers (so to speak) I’m facing to effective boundaries is that I take everything personally. That’s the Northeast’s culture to some degree, and it’s certainly my family’s culture. I’m trying to change, though.
One of my problems (?), ironically, is that I don’t do a perfect job at it. My mother can insult me 99 times and I let it go, I call her on it the hundredth time, and she of course snaps back, “You’re an adult — how DARE you talk to your mother that way.”
I know, as you said, we can’t be perfect — progress, not perfection. At least with the new job I’m going to make progress toward getting out of the Conjunction Junction of Dysfunction …

Good for you. Take care of yourself.

Everyone’s comments above are far more articulate than mine. But I applaud your honesty and am glad you know what you have to do for yourself — these boundaries are justified and understandable. Please don’t feel badly, you have been like a lighthouse to many of us. Your honesty and wisdom and hard work have helped us all in our path to mental health. You know what? I’m 55 and I’m just NOW learning how to love myself…and you have to love yourself and protect yourself from overload, i.e., stress. You can only do so much. So, Therese, although I’ve never met you, I feel like I know you and you’re my friend. Take care of yourself, dear. (I’m in the community but actually haven’t gotten on that chatboard…) You need to have some fun and relaxation, and spend more time with your family, and your other friends. We all have to find balance in our lives and I’m glad you are finding balance in yours.
Adios.

take care of yourself my freind because you sometimes have to make life about yourself i will keep you in my prayers.

What everyone said.
I heartily agree with Barbara/Babs that “well-placed boundaries aren’t negative” and that they help “maintain relationships.” Very well-said.
And Larry is right… you don’t ever have to put up a front here and pretend you have more time to share than you do. It’s your honesty that is the balm here.

Dear Therese -
What an honest, heartfelt video and post today. Boundaries are something that need to be reevaluated in life, especially when the warning signals are like those of the blaring of an oncoming train. Thank God you caught this at the “blinking lights” or “caution sign”.
I identified with your statement of caring and feeling for others can be your greatest asset, yet at the same time, taken to extreme it turns on you. I had very little boundaries in my mid-thirties, people pleasing to many degrees in too many areas, and I too am glad that I was shown back then that it was part of my unraveling.
It’s not always so obvious at first; but as you so well put it, when you start to get depressed and anxious, there’s the warning signal that something is off. I’m not talking about life situations such as losing your running mentor, etc. I’m referring to the part which for me feels as though I am sinking in quicksand up to my neck and treading (can you tread in quicksand?!?) for you life.
I still have to “work” at it from time to time. There are some “players” in my life that would have me dead at this point had I not set boundaries and then reset them again, sometimes more strongly.
It’s an ongoing process, but probably one of the most important factors for many of us in being responsible for our mental and physical well-being. Your kids, Eric, and your friends of choice (not out of obligation) need you.
I even had to set boundaries with my own Pastor, and it was too little too late. Unforunately, even “nice” people have their own selfish motives in certain areas. As sick as I have been, my Pastor asked me if I would write an article regarding how much I have missed the fellowship of the church since I have been ill and removed from my once extremely active church life.
I knew this was not for my benefit, but came on the heels of his speaking of his concern to me on the declining attendance of people at church. He wanted others to see what I was missing by being ill and perhaps that would put a spark into others who could go but just didn’t.
This was a self-serving motive on his part. He was not thinking of me at all during that conversation. I was only a new thought as to a “vehicle” to persuade others the value of attending Sunday services. I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not do the article. Years ago, I would not have been able to say “no” (which, by the way is a complete answer – no explanation needed), and I would have added to my illness with taking on something that I would have resented, knowing his selfishness and his part.
Only I can make that line in the sand and mark off where and what is healthy. I have overly cared for too long. My mother, father and brother were very big parts in this area. It’s still an on going effort and awareness. How dare they cross my boundaries again? They dare.
I know that I have some very strong personalities to deal with, and it was almost to my undoing recently, where again in a manner of speaking, my answer to them is “no”. Not so easy in the area of business with my brother; however, I’ve been doing it.
So, again dear Therese, I’m glad for you that you see where the waters are muddied, and I think this new approach will bring you the peace of mind you so richly deserve.
Much love, Nancy L.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to set boundaries. They are yours. I have had to set boundaries for myself online too. I have been richly rewarded. I have replaced it with things I dearly wanted to do but didn’t think I had time or motivation.

Nancy L.:
Good to see you as always!
And a nice little lesson on how to get around even the most subtle of guilt-tripping.

Therese
You have a life offline? Sorry, just making an attempt at humor. My way of dealing with everything. I stumbled upon Beyond Blue around the first of the year so I think that means I am still a newbie, and as such, I am still trying to identify the boundaries and protocols.
So two items for you, my fairly new friend; the first is that if I have ever “pushed” upon your boundaries, I am most sorry. The second is a rhetorical question. You have just gone through an earthquake and discover that you and someone else are both injured. You are bleeding from the head and the other person appears to have sprained or broken ankle. Who do you attend to first? The correct answer is yourself. You aren’t going to be much good to anyone if you don’t take care of yourself.
The next comes under the heading of me trying to read between the lines. In the video I saw someone different. Someone who was tired, probably burdened with guilt that she can’t fix everyone, maybe even someone who had been using denial of her pain so that she could attend to that other wounded person. Being something of an expert at denial I tend to see it everywhere, so if I am out of line, sorry.
In any event, please Take Care of Yourself.
Richard

Therese
I totally totally understand where you are coming from. It’s like you’ve taken a page right out of my life. I, too, have so much sensitivity; and unfortunately, take on everyone elses pain. This is overwhelming in the biggest of ways.
I think you are doing a really great thing for yourself and you are listening to yourself by stepping back a bit from the whole BB thing or the direct emailing of members or whatever. I think you know what I mean.
The fact that you recognize this boundary and you need to set this is probably going to be an integral part to your recovery.
Love Valerie

Thank you for being a sensitive role model. I’m happy that you are taking care of yourself, protecting yourself and your family from things that can take on a life of their own sometimes.
My best wishes and prayers for this journey

I am with Tracey. You are a great role model. Ihope you will write more as you continue on your journey of boundaries and let us know how it is going for you and how you are feeling about it.
I too, have been struggling with boundaries between family and work and that is, for me, about where I place my value as a person. There are soo many things that I want to do, that I feel I need to do, to help, to listen, to be active, but I am making myself sick. I am begining to feel the cold feet of depression upon me – a clue that I need to pull back a bit and reasses my life. Watching you do that too, is a help to me. No pressure intended! :0) Thank you for all that you are and who you are. Best Wishes, Lisa

I can understand where you’re coming from. I should set boundaries on alot of things in my life which includes being on the computer for hours on end. But you see I go a couple of days without being on the computer for anything. There’re nights where I can’t sleep so I stay up blog on different subjects until I get tired or I decide to check on other things on the Internet or answer my E-mails to my nephew & my friend in Washington State. Another boundry I should set is put my health ahead of others but kind of hard because I’m too much a people person. I’ll have to pray & meditate on it real hard because I know I’m just hurting me in the long run. Good luck to us both with setting all boundries we’ve got to set for ourselves.

People pleasing is accualy my job.I’m a hairstylist.I have had to learn to set bounderies for the clients,in how I have allowed them to treat me .I still strugle with this a little bit.I try to get a grip before I get too agitated.So I am glad to know you are taking charge of your life.We all need to remeber our feelings count too. We deserve time for ourselves as well as our family members .

Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves, and to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to be loving to ourselves without owning ourself and owning our rights and responsibilities as Co-creators of our lives.
Once we start having a more loving relationship with ourselves, everything changes.
It’s relatively easy to set boundaries in relationships that don’t mean that much to us – it is in the relationships that mean the most to us that is so difficult. That is because, it is those relationships that our inner child wounds are the most powerful. That inner child is terrified of setting boundaries for fear everyone will leave.
(The other extreme is those who throw up huge walls to try to keep people from getting too close – and sabotage any relationship – to protect the wounded child from getting hurt.)
There is no blame, there is no bad guys, only wounded souls with broken hearts and scrambled minds.
Boundaries don’t separate us from life – they enrich it. After all boundaries gives us the freedom to become the person we wish to be.
The purpose of setting boundaries is not to be separated from others, but to gain the freedom and the strength to better serve them. For it is only after we learn to protect, honor and love ourselves that we will be able to do the same for others.
With heart-filled gratitude, Therese….

Therese, you sweet angel, you! A poignant, moving post from one of my favorite fellow travellers. In other words; I hear ya, Sister and You Go, Girl! You have provided so much food for thought we’ll be busy digesting for some time.
Ain’t it the truth?! Lack of appropriate boundaries, in terms of both self-control and people-pleasing, has caused much unnecessary grief and conflict in my life. Growing up with 9 brothers and sisters, there was as much room for boundaries as there was space in the closet!
Aged 51, I started working on boundaries within the past few months and am beginning to learn that life isn’t always about serving…it’s ok to allow yourself to really enjoy whatever you are able to enjoy. That sounds basic but when emerging from depressive episodes it can be unfamiliar territory.
I am finding that ‘No, thank you’, ‘Maybe later’, ‘I’d love to, but…’ or any combination of those with a short, honest explanation have sufficed amazingly well. (For those stubborn cases you just can’t ‘shout’ out, a second or third ‘application’ may be necessary;-)
May God richly bless your comings and goings and may you enjoy every moment of every day as much as you’re ready, willing and able to.
Literally, with literary affectation and affection,
The other French Therese
PS: UNDER PENALTY OF ‘RAW’(nerves;-) DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS OR ANY OTHER MESSAGE UNTIL SUCH TIME AS ‘BLOGGA’ HAS TIME…

I’m so happy that you are setting great boundaries for yourself Therese! The whole BB community understands I’m sure!
“hugs”
Jill
P.S. I feel so good being able to put a face to what I read from you and to be able to watch these video blogs! Please continue them if you can! I love podcasts with video too…I guess I’m a very visual learner/person.