Dear God,
In today's reading, we get to hear Luke's story about the Road to Emmaus, when Jesus appeared to two disciples and pulls the same stunt that I do on my kids when I want the real skinny: he plays stupid.
The men are on their way to Emmaus when Jesus approaches them and asks what they are talking about.
"Are you kidding me?" the one named Cleopas responds, "You really aren't filled in on all the gossip that's going down these days?"
The disciples continue to be a tad dense. They finally figure it out when Jesus sits down to eat with them and breaks bread (Luke 24:13-35):
And it happened that, while he was with them at the table, he took bread, said the blessing, broke it, and gave it to them. With that their eyes were opened and they recognized him, but he vanished from their sight. Then they said to each other, "Were not our hearts burning within us while he spoke to us on the way and opened the Scriptures to us?"
Pope Saint Gregory interprets this to mean that God reveals himself insofar as a person is able to receive him; by the disciples' act of hospitality (inviting the stranger to dinner), they became capable of recognizing God in the their midst. Says Gregory:
The Lord appeared to two disciples who were walking along the road, speaking about him, although, in fact, they did not believe in him. But he did not show them a face they could recognize; the Lord was thus revealing, on the outside, to the eyes of their body, what they were seeing inside, in the eyes of the heart. … As they listened to his teachings, they were not enlightened; it is by carrying them out that they saw the light.
I was reflecting on Gregory's wisdom—that God reveals himself to us when we actively participate in love and grace--just this morning, as I prayed the Prayer of St. Francis, like I do every morning:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury,pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
But I stopped at the second to last line: it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and I started to tear up.
Recently a friend told me how hurt her feelings were by a piece that I published that wasn't totally about her, but had hinted at specific issues in our relationship. My heart has felt like lead ever since she told me how hurt she was, and I'm fretting at not being able to patch it up neatly like I always want to do when confronting ugly stuff.
I've composed 50 apologies, and none of them is worded quite right. I've gone over my arguments, my logic, to throw at this the next time we talk. But I know part of the damage is done and there is no erasing it.
But upon reading Francis's line about pardoning, and giving, and dying, and loving, and consoling, and so forth, I realize that the forgiveness has to start with me and all the hurts I hold inside. Because I will never allow the possibility of someone else forgiving me if I can't let go of my own resentments. Moreover, the only thing I can do in this situation—and so many other people-pleasing complications that adult children of alcoholics seem to find—is to forgive on my end: the other person, but, even more so, myself.
Perhaps I haven't felt that peace of the Road to Emmaus because I'm still too busy jabbering away at the gossip, instead of inviting the stranger to dinner, where Jesus reveals himself. Maybe by trying better at this forgiveness thing, those who I have hurt will find it in their hearts to forgive me.
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I've always had problems with the concept of 'pardoning' or forgiving others for their trespasses against us, for their infringing into our lives, for destroying our lives with their malice. To what extent is one to pardon others? I've a friend, now in her 3rd marriage, that wrecked the marriage of a man working for her husband. This man had two small children, ages 5 and 3, he was a veterinarian, his wife a teacher. Both working long hours trying hard to make it, to pay the mortgage to raise the kiddies. He was 'distracted' from his troubles by my 'friend'. She didn't care what happened to his wife and the kids, her excuse was "Hey, he was the one who came after me!" Well, it was hell and disaster. Now 20 years later, both kids have been in deep trouble, one is serving a sentence in a maximum security prison, the youngest is addicted to drugs, the mom tried to commit suicide twice and may have succeded later.
My 'friend' not only destroyed a marriage, but a family, she married the guy and his life became hell, he's now an alcoholic and can't practice veterinary medicine anylonger, he's living with his elderly mother. My friend divorced him but not before moving into another man's life.
She often talks about how his ex husband's ex never forgave her, and that's why she destroyed her own life and the lives of the two boys.
Had this woman forgiven the home wrecker would she have been able to save herself and her boys from misery both economic and spiritual?
I know in pardoning we are pardoned, we take that burden from our own soul, but why is the sacrifice always demanded from the injured party?
My 'friend' went on to make another marriage to an oncologist now, she lives now the life of Riley. Seems that some people can do no wrong while doing nothing but...
Cosima:
There are always destructive people (as I think I said recently) whirling through the world like Hurricane Katrina. Nothing you can do about it.
"R.," my Javert/Salieri-like tormentor for two decades, is naturally a multimillionaire while I can barely rub two nickels together (and am still, temporarily, homeless). But if you spend too much time worrying about such gross unfairness, I realize, you can literally kill yourself.
Cosima:
As the " injured party" in a similar situation to the one you describe, allow me to share with you that forgiving in those kinds of situations is even more difficult than it always is, However, the good news is that once finally freely given, it does indeed open up parts of your inner self you didn't realize were closed off and allows you once again to discob=ver small joys along the path of your life, things which were always there but which your anger and bitterness kept you from seeing or enjoying. For me, at least, the trick was in realizing that those extremely deep hurts caused when someone else DELIBERATELY causes you pain require an equally deliberate effort to forgive and a commesurate longer space of time than do the transgressions caused by thoughtlessness or insensitivity.
Therese, Sometimes when you are dealing with HSP as you know, you can easily hurt them without intending to. My Mom is one of those people. So what can you do but apologize and let it run it's course. Time heals wounds that don't run that deep. When the injured party realizes that their world is a better place with you in it they'll forgive you. The hardest thing is forgiving yourself. What does Jesus say about forgiveness? Seventy times seven. That includes us too!
Interesting stuff. Pardoning the person who has hurt you is very difficult especially if the damage has been personally destructive such as your partner being lured away by an habitual lurer. Not only do you have to forgive your partner for his/her weakness and betrayal, you also have to forgive the lurer. On top of that you have to forgive yourself if you know that your own failings led to the failure in your relationship. Failure to forgive all 3 parties means you remain a victim of all 3 until you die.
If a "friend" is a habitual destroyer of other people then it makes sense to lower the level of friendship into avoidance unless he/she is making attempts to mend (assuming one has tried to get the message across). Would a Christian or even Jesus seriously continue being a "friend" of Hitler (even if he has not damaged the Christian or damaged Jesus) once he moved into his seamier behavioral side?
I myself was molested by a family member when I was 10 and deep down I have not been able to forgive the molester or myself. The truth is that I let myself be "damaged" more through not only not reporting it but also letting myself enjoy further molestations. I did get "happily" married and I had children however I'm now divorced from a women who I betrayed with my hidden sexuality (which emerged though not practiced when the marriage got tougher with children....and unfortunately we were not practicing Christians). For the sake of not damaging her further and my children (whom I'm close to) with my coming out with the truth on this I have kept it inside me which of course is damaging me. I pray and practice life as a celibate Christian and ask G-d to pardon me but the hate I have for myself for the damage I've done to others eats away at me. I'm not sure where to go from here as I know somehow I cannot be ever pardoned unless I take more earthly action to seek forgiveness from both my ex and my children. Sorry if I'm saying to much as it was not my intention when I started my response to this post (my very first).
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