Here is my Dear God letter, on the enticement of mania.
Dear God,
Perfect timing with this week's reading, given that I'm, at present, in a hypomanic cycle with 40/20 vision: noticing the beauty and mystery in just about every inanimate object—even the skiddish squirrels running into the middle of the road just to psych me and my Honda Accord out.
In the Gospel of John, Jesus says, "I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly."
That's always been a favorite scripture quote of mine, and I didn't know why until this morning, when I realized that Jesus is talking to manic depressives like myself. He is articulating the same message that Kay Redfield Jamison expresses when she writes “tumultuousness, if coupled with discipline and a cool mind, is not such a bad sort of thing. That unless one wants to live a stunningly boring life, one ought to be on good terms with one's darker side and one's darker energies.” Or, in the words of poet Kahlil Gibran: "Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."
Granted, most of the time I'm cursing you for this sensitivity—because it seems that I feel sadness much more than joy, anxiety more than peace, frustration or resentment more than love. Given that my depressive cycles outnumber my manic cycles about 10 to 1, I so often envy that middle ground—I think it's called "balance"--where my friends and family have set up camp.
But not today. For once, I thank you for this fleeting moment of exhilaration that comes with my brain disease. It's about time, I got a perk, you now. Now, don't worry. I know that, just as I have to work hard to escape my depression, I too have to resist the urge to nurse my mania. But, just for a minute today, I'm staying here, in this happy place, where I can appreciate my colorful moods just as I gaze at the cherry blossoms outside and feel the beginning of Spring.
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Hi (((Mary)))
My heart breaks for you.
Let's start with doing this:
IF you haven't gone to Therese's Blog on:
* APRIL 8th. GRIEF VERSUS DEPRESSION.
Lot's of great help and other's sharing the same feeling's.
*(You may already know this, but just-in-case:
Scroll down to: ARCHIVES on the right side of your screen.)
If you need to talk some more there are wonderful people here that want to help you...or you can leave a post there.
Mary, we're an email away for you.
Just Hold On...there is Hope.
Consider yourself hugged!
Hi, this is my 1st time on a message board...I'm a 24yr old girl & I think that I'm in the begining weeks of my 2nd manic episode in 3yrs, w/a depressive episode in between. I have a few days of manic behavior followed by a day of depression. My moods go from extremes w/no breaks in between. My new Dr. put me on 10mg of Abilify last week to bring me out of this, it has helped my moods, but makes me feel like I have the flu. Is that normal?? No other Rx that I've ever taken has been this heavy of `side effects'. Everybody I have to talk to on a personal level has never really gone thru this themself before...so no matter what they say to try to help, when I'm like this....I loose patients easily and am afraid I'll eventually push them all away w/my rage fits. I scream at them w/out realizing it, a lot. I loose train of thought in the middle of every conversation. It's starting to really effect my performance at work and I don't want to leave my career. My Dr. suggested I go through group therapy and a partial hospitalization, but I've tried that before and it wasn't for me....is there anybody out there who can give me some advice so I can find a better way to control this and make me feel like myself again, instead of this out of control personality that make me feel like a totally different person.
Annie,
I am writing from work so I must keep this short. Just wanted to let you know that someone has read your post and to let you know that I'm sure you will be hearing from many of the fine people who post on this site tonight or tomorrow.
From my perspective - please phone your doctor, make some notes of the things that are important to you first, and let him know how things are going on the particular med you are taking. He may want you to continue for a while longer or may change it right away.
In the meantime, check out "7 Things to Do to Calm You Down" from Therese's Sept. 26, 2007 blog and if you can manage, read some of the Archives for this site.
Oh yes, do not underestimate the value of regular rest, regular meals, lots of water and regular exercise. I learned this from reading Beyond Blue -- and I ignore these things at my own peril.
Hang in there.
Mary- I just read your post and I feel so sad for your pain. When I can't find comfort from friends, family, or things I again reach out to God wholeheartedly. Divine Love is the ultimate Counselor and will show you the way. There is a reason you are still on the planet; ask Him to show you what you need to do. And you must trust that He will; listen and look for His guidance. Your 26 y.o. son needs you to be here and I'm certain he has suffered greatly too with the loss of his brothers and his father. If you are able to read or get books on tape, that may help. There are a lot of wonderful, healing books out there. And music always helps me too. Sending thoughts of peace and comfort your way.
Faith
i know it may be hard and difficult
but i have found the best way
To cope - with those - like me,
who have difficulty - with mental health,
... to trust in
routine, God Almighty and medication,
that is the trinity of mental Health,
Do not mind the boredom,
because that will cease,
once one finds - the right drug cocktail
As mania sometimes needs one,
just hang in there - drug cocktails are hard,
to find - and please do not mind - your psychiatrist,
they are only human - its best to have them -
on one's good side - As for Canadians like me,
You may have to get help -
from Canadian Mental Health Association,
i have found they are the best way,
to beat the cost so often comes with mental illness
i do not know the name of the U.S... counterpart
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