Dear God: On Cherry Blossoms and Mania

The only time I bless this disease is when I'm riding the crest of the wave. Most of the rest of it is getting smashed into the ocean floor. Good thing for me I'm a strong swimmer. I can hold my breath till I emerge. Sometimes life's a beach!

That is the curse of this disease -- when we have the exciting moments interspersed in a hard life (and be honest -- no matter how much we complain, even legitimately, about our lives, we all have good times, too) -- we are still left to wonder in retrospect whether the thrill was a "natural high" or our mania.

Enjoy the thrill for a moment. You deserve it, Therese -- everyone deserves it.

But one ride on a scary roller coaster is exhilarating. Ten (for most people, anyway) will leave you retching.

So remember to get off when you're done with the ride -- and remember that true happiness is in the delicate "balance" of which you speak.

And IMO balance -- with our emotional sensitivity and biochemistry -- is never, as Jamison might say, "boring." More like the skill of a gymnast at her peak.

manic means shopping sprees dearly paid for by the storm erupting from my wife and the guilt of spending what we don't have, or road rage in which have no fear, or compulsive shop lifting which inds in getting busted and being sent to the psych ward where my doctor doesn't practice, arriving in a strait jacket, ending up with shock treatment and thorazine. I now know what it's like to have alhiemerze desease where you can't concentrate on anything for long and all you can do is shuffle around. I was a drunk manic when I arrived at the psych. ward. My little manic episodes are not verry high but are temporarily fear free, but the reprecousions way a lot heavier in my mind.

At this time of my life I feel I am depressed to the limit. I am so tired of life andd everything to do with life that I keep praying on and off nearly everyday to God to just free me from all the weariness. I am tired so tired of everything and just want to be done with being around this planet. I have a great son who is 26 yrs and I've just joined him after 5 yrs.He had been studying and now has a job. I am a widow and know the pain of losing 2 of my beloved sons and also my husband. I don't feel happy even though I really wanted to be with my son and I feel no matter where or what I do I'm never going to be happy again. I have reached rock bottom and a dead end. It is frightening because I can't seem to make decisions. I would like to go back and be on my own but don't want to hurt my son. In this country I don't have friends and no job as yet. But I have this feeling now of being weary......I just want to be freed from all the mudane things in this life as I do not see any purpose to go on. I know my son can take care of himself now and I just want to rest and be at peace. Dear God where are you???? I want to be free of this constant sadness, regret pain and unhappiness....

Hi, this is my 1st time on a message board...I'm a 24yr old girl & I think that I'm in the begining weeks of my 2nd manic episode in 3yrs, w/a depressive episode in between. I have a few days of manic behavior followed by a day of depression. My moods go from extremes w/no breaks in between. My new Dr. put me on 10mg of Abilify last week to bring me out of this, it has helped my moods, but makes me feel like I have the flu. Is that normal?? No other Rx that I've ever taken has been this heavy of `side effects'. Everybody I have to talk to on a personal level has never really gone thru this themself before...so no matter what they say to try to help, when I'm like this....I loose patients easily and am afraid I'll eventually push them all away w/my rage fits. I scream at them w/out realizing it, a lot. I loose train of thought in the middle of every conversation. It's starting to really effect my performance at work and I don't want to leave my career. My Dr. suggested I go through group therapy and a partial hospitalization, but I've tried that before and it wasn't for me....is there anybody out there who can give me some advice so I can find a better way to control this and make me feel like myself again, instead of this out of control personality that make me feel like a totally different person.

Mary- I just read your post and I feel so sad for your pain. When I can't find comfort from friends, family, or things I again reach out to God wholeheartedly. Divine Love is the ultimate Counselor and will show you the way. There is a reason you are still on the planet; ask Him to show you what you need to do. And you must trust that He will; listen and look for His guidance. Your 26 y.o. son needs you to be here and I'm certain he has suffered greatly too with the loss of his brothers and his father. If you are able to read or get books on tape, that may help. There are a lot of wonderful, healing books out there. And music always helps me too. Sending thoughts of peace and comfort your way.
Faith