you say be strong, displined, stick to allowing love in, eventully you will begin to love. but what if that part of you is already dead? what if the path that was paved has wiped everything you were away, never to be giving back what then?

I gave up on people and started hanging out with animals. I don’t have any pets, but I feed the birds in my yard and the jays became very friendly. That’s where I get the love now that the people part is dead for me too. I’ve become a misanthrope. I sat and watched the birds for a long time as I stared into the abyss and then I felt like I recognized one or two of the birds returning.

I am now mourning a relationship that I strongly believe in my heart was meant to be. I went over how the relationship began to how it ended the first time. Then we some how got back together. I mean the way we got back together was one that I didn’t see happening but it did. And now it has ended again. I’m I trusting or believing in something that may be a distraction for me?

mourning seems to take forever sometimes. there is a picture of my husband along with the other employees on a bulletin board at the theatre where he used to run the old projector for fun and cigarette money. on it someone (my daughter? she took over his job after he died) wrote on a little piece of paper below the photo “your free.” i assume it was meant to be “you’re free.” but whenever i used to go up to the projection booth i’d stop and look at that picture staring out at me. who is free? is it saying he is free or i am free? if suicide is all one has to do to be free why aren’t we all committing it? and if i’m free why does it still hurt so bad at some point every day, even 6 years later? how does one call this freedom? if he’s free, i’m jealous that he was brave enough to take that step into freedom, knowing it would crush all of us. and if i’m free, i’m still wondering what the hell that means. the only freedom i experience is resting in god. put your trust not in man, but in god we are told, and after this experience i understand why.

another thing i forgot to mention was if the person has committed suicide, and they didn’t “go to the light” at death, then you find it hard to get out of your mourning and be happy because you are forever imagining your loved one suffering in a hell. if they escaped to heaven, you are jealous and anxious here below, and if they escaped to hell, you are in constant agony imagining their sufferings. this is the case even in the loss of a living person. if they choose a destructive lifestyle, especially if they are a child, you agonize visualizing the pain they are in. it is hard to rest. to let go and accept they choose their pain.

Still waters run deep …
PS to nilla: If Therese didn’t make this clear, the Catholic Church has reversed its stand that people who commit suicide automatically go to hell (though obviously, they may have committed other unforgiven/unforgivable mortal sins during their lifetime). They are also now allowed Catholic burial rites.
I hope this provides you just a tiny bit of comfort in your agony.

i know that that it is no longer a part of catholic dogma that suicides go to hell. my husband was neither catholic nor christian at the time of his death he was studying buddhism. actually his apartment and car were filled with images of lots of saints and gods from different religions at the time of his death. maybe he was trying to cover all his bases. he did tell me about a man in new york during a visit he made there shortly before his death, who went to make a confession to a priest and committed suicide in the church. later i realized he may have been trying to tell me something. i imagine he viewed his death something like the character in the movie vanilla sky and chose to be reborn in another life, if one can truly make such a choice. i guess in that case he is somewhere else being someone else, or in a quantum universe he could be many places at once or travelling between them. i don’t know, but i doubt i will see him in any kind of “catholic heaven.” his best friend and i found a french movie he had checked out from the library in his apartment that week. it was about a sex addict who goes to rehab for alcoholism and sex addiction and then shoots himself. his last words were “i didn’t love you, and you didn’t love me.” who knows where he is. i am in a kind of hell on earth. i perdure.

my husband was not a christian.

nillawafer,
There is a powerful verse in Galations that says, “If we are saved by the law, then Christ died for nothing.”
God’s love for us is so huge, our human minds can’t comprehend it.
Christ’s suffering on the cross, took the punishment for us all, no matter what we’ve done.
We all will be welcomed into Heaven – because God gave up His Son for us.

m,
those are comforting words. i depend on that being the case somehow, some way, for all.
but i guess the thing i was trying to get across was about mourning loss in this case is a catch 22. a double bind. because yes, it is a comfort if he is welcomed into heaven no matter what he’s done, but then if i have a horrible time of it and don’t feel i can go on, that comforting thought only adds fuel to the desire for me to escape the same way he did. it’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. yes, i remain, but i, too, feel as if my mind is going to crack apart sometimes and it would be best for me and for all if i just “went home,” rather than having another basket case around. if there is no punishment for doing it, why not just do it myself? do you see what i’m saying?
anyway, sorry to take this off topic. i was trying to stay on topic about mourning loss in this case, but it always becomes this big existential dilemma for me.

nillawafer,
I too have thought that everything could be better if I wasn’t here.
HOWEVER, we need to wade through these times and wait for the next page to turn. We could be surprised by Joy.
Our lives don’t stay the same, and we don’t know what will happen in the next 5 minutes, much less in the next week or so. So hold on to God’s Hand. HE is with you every moment, even if it seems as if He’s taken a long lunch
God clearly tells us in Scripture, ” I will never leave you or forsake you”
Keep the Faith, His love will give you strength.

nillawafer,
PLEASE don’t feel you need to apologize for sharing your pain. The way I understand Beyond Blue, that’s what we’re here for; to support each other and buffer a little of the pain if we can. In your case, I can’t IMAGINE coping with the lossof a love due to suicide!Loss due toabandonment and divorce is hard enough to bear,but loss due to suicide must cut even deeper.The anger we all feel whenever we’re abandoned is undoubtedly tinged wit guilt because it’snormal to feel guilty when we get angry at a dead person. My heart literally aches for you; the depth of your hurt has to be IMMENSE! I agree with m about gleaning strength from God’s steadfastness, yet I also now thay’s hrd when you’re feeling lost and alone. May the prayers of others bouy you up in your ocean of despair; I, for one will be praying for your comfort. Having been through two suicides with my son, I’ve come tofirmly believe that God understands that only severe illness can account for suicide, and in His abiding love for each of us, I don’t believe he punishes one of His children fr being ill. I can;t claim any particular scripture to back that up; it’s just my own sense of the nature of God. If human parnts can love enough to forgive our children their actions due to illness, how much more so He who DEFINES love? I believe that God separates the action from the individak; He may hate what we’ve DONE, but NOTHING will make Him hate us as his individual children. I hope that makes sense and can give you some measure of solace. As I understand the scriptures, it’s only our refusal to accept and believe in His grace that damns us to Hell. We cannot “earn” eternal lifethrough our deeds, so how can we “earn “the opposite with them either? I sincerely beleve that the day will come when you WILL be reunited wit the one you love so deeply; Christ already paid the price of his sin as he did for each of us. In the meantime, feel free to share your deep hurt with people who can love and bolster you, and that includes your Beyond Blue compatriots. I’m sure you’re nearly CONSUMED by this pain and anger, so it’s only natural for you to “gp there” It’s our privilege to listen and support you as you struggle to rebuild your life; that’s what we’re HERE for! Okay, maybe this wasn’t the direction Therese intended for today’s message to go, but I know she DID intend for it to provide support; she always does. What you need DOES matter; again,PLEASE don’t feel the need to apologize for needing.

I was having a one sided emotional affair with someone. I was living in a dream world, and when I awoke from that dream it knocked me for a loop! But I was depressed and obsessiveat the time. I’m embarassed at the way I acted, but it was all part of my life lesson. Isn’t that funny, I was reading the word links at the bottom of your post and saw “emotional affair” Then it hit me! I was having a one sided emotional afair for years!! (How pathetic!) But I couldn’t see the truth! I was acting like a love sick groupie! I’m so ashamed! But it’s in the past now. I have forgiven myself. I moved on and avoid this person, but even avoidance is negative. To forgive is to love in a broad sense and accept someone just as they are, even if they don’t want to be your friend.

I have gotten so much from reading Henri Nouwen over the years. His wisdom on living with loss apply not only to relationships, but to so many life situations. We are so quick in our society to expect people to get over loss. We tend to lionize those who jump right back into life instead of “dwelling” on their loss. I’ve felt that pressure myself. But that response only delays, and in my opinion, prolongs the inevitable facing of loss. We eventually have to face loss in our lives or doom ourselves to a life in which we hardly know ourselves.
To the poster of 8:10 a.m.: you are so hard on yourself. Don’t carry the shame of your neediness. The longer I live, the more I realize the universality of our experiences, and that whatever you are ashamed of is not an unfamiliar experience to the rest of the human race. Learn from it, and pass your wisdom on.

What a profound statement of what it is to truly heal. A book I have worked with several times is How to Survive the Loss of a Love – which goes over the same territory in baby steps….

I can’t begin to tell you how important this blog is, Therese and the other bloggers.
My 86 yo father is in assisted living, severely anemic (needs 3 units of blood every other week), and generally not feeling well, most of the time now. Understandable, but he’s pretty crotchety.
I called him this afternoon; he was sleeping (he’s always been sleeping lately, no matter when I call)again.
He told me that he’s been sick all wk (didn’t say that earlier), was not going to the dining room for dinner tonight, and he “hopes it ends tonight”, and he’s “sick living”. My heart hurts for him (his mother lived to be 100 yo in 1976, rather rare back then).
So this afternoon, right now, a drink is very desirable right now. I know, though, that if I start, I won’t stop. I’ll be right back where I started in the throughes of alcholism to numb my pain.
So, instead, I logged on, and found this post extremely helpful for me. At least while I’m browsing or typing, I’m not drinking.
Heartfelt thanks and hugs to all, blanchert

So now he just called me and said that “someone stole his identity”. He said, after I asked how, that he recd a letter (he can’t read due to macular degeneration, so?????) from some insurance company in another state that wants money because someone recd medical treatment at the same hospital he goes to, and that it was not his social security number.
I told him I’ll handle it once I retrieve the letter from him.
Is this ever going to end??
I’m praying to God for guidance, patient, and His will.

I for one do not believe there is a hell, except to be separated from the love of God. If it is written that God will dry every tear…how could we enjoy heaven knowing that “evil cousin Ernie” is toasting his buns in everlasting torment? I don’t mean to make light of the subject but I believe Jesus has the power to forgive ALL sins to anyone who truly believes upon him and is genuinely repentant. He is the one perfect sacrifice for one and ALL time. Even if we are not worthy…He is. If someone commits suicide because that was their only perceived option they are not damned. I never did subscribe to my catholic upbringing anyway. Even a child recognizes hipocracy! My sister-in-law did commit suicide and I know the most tragic loss there was her children must grow up without a mother! Anyone considering suicide has to know how much the ones you leave behind WILL hurt, and hang on one minute longer. Pick up the phone…go on line…look at pictures of who will miss you and DON’T DO IT!!!

I am happy to find this post very useful for me, as it contains lot of information uggs outletI always prefer to read the quality content and this thing I found in you post. Thanks for sharing.

It really is one pair of very useful articles for me. I have been looking forward to this very nice of tiffany jewelry. Thank you for writing this article, I will not miss it. Thanks for sharing

HELLO EVERYONE

Am giving this testimony because someone out there may have similar problem My Husband doesn’t think polygamy is wrong. He has been seeing another girl for about four months now. I told he needs to stop, but he says he is in love with her. They’ve talked about being together “forever” and eventually her moving in with us. My husband still loves me. He regrets getting into this in the first place, but is not willing to just break up with her. He says if they so break up then thy will be it and he will not pursue another relationship. i contacted DR ANUNU a spell caster who cast a 24 hour spell for me surprisingly my husband came home on his knees begging me to forgive him that he has broke up with his mistress all thanks to DR ANUNU I pray that God will continue to use you to help people.friends don’t die in silent because someone like DR ANUNU has a solution to your problem am living happily with my family.contact him via ANUNUSPELLTEMPLE@YMAIL.COM

Hello everybody. Am STEPHANIE from FLORIDA i want to share my life experience to every body on this site. i was in a serious relationship with mike i love him so much we have dated for almost 6 years now. until he meant another girl called charity he told me that he is know longer interested in dating me any more. i was so confuse i don’t know what to do so i told my friend about what my love just told me and he told me that she can solve my problem i was doubting her how can that be possible so she directed me to a spell caster called DR voodoo .so i contacted him and i explain every thing to him and he told me that my problem will be solved within 2days if i believe i said OK .So he caste_ a spell for me and after 2days my love came back to me begging me on his knees on the ground asking me to forgive him. And I was surprise just like a dream and today Am so happy now. so that why i decided to share my experience with every body incase there is anyone out there that have such problem should contact him via voodoospiritualtemple@yahoo.com