My guardian angel, Ann, sent me the book "Manic" by Terri Cheney. I absolutely loved her epilogue:
I'm sitting in my favorite café, writing a line, crossing it out. Writing a line, crossing it out. My soft-boiled egg will be cold by the time I get around to cracking its shell. My latte will have lost its foam. I don't care. I've had the best meals of my life here in this little café, writing and crossing it out.The waiters know by now not to disturb me. I sit for hours (I tip really well), hunting for just the right word, the right rhythm to express what I hear inside my head. Some days I never find it. The man at the next table laughs too loudly. Dishes rattle in the kitchen. A woman walks by on her way to the bathroom, her stilettos clicking. I tear the page off my legal pad, and crumple it up in disgust. But I don't despair. Even at my most discouraged, I don't despair.
For this day, at least, I'm sane, and I'm writing, and that's a glorious thing.
It's all you can really count on when you're manic-depressive: this day, and no more. But the days add up. To my surprise, it's been several years since I've had a full-blown manic episode, longer still since I've tried to commit suicide. Stability feels like such a precarious thing, dependent on just the right dose by just the right doctor. But still, somehow I've found it—at least long enough to spend another afternoon in the little café.
Life is not easy, but it's simpler now. I no longer want to fly kites in a thunderstorm. I have no interest in dancing a tango with the riptide. I can leave my best friend's boyfriend alone. But I would like to see Santa Fe again. This time in summer, I think.
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I have been bipolar most of my life, although only admitting it for the last 12 years. I am now 37, married for 10 years and a Mom of 2 beautiful sons. I have FINALLY found a competent psychiatrist in Chicago. He has given me stability for the first time. It is actually a strange feeling and sometimes I feel uncomfortable when things are "okay." Up and down is all I have known. I have become good at being bipolar. In my 20's I suffered very quick cycles and everyone around me just tried to understand- of course they couldn't! How could they? Now I suffer more Manic episodes and less depression. While I still suffer mild swings, most of them go up! I talk very fast, can't complete thoughts or full sentences. My memory is horrible, I get very irritable and impatient with everyone and everything. I love to shop without remorse - not a good thing for my marriage. Sleep is only with meds of course. Without meds I would be awake for days - literally. The worse part is when my skin crawls - it is painful and creepy. Noone can understand what it feels like to be uncomfortable in your own skin..unless they have been there. When mania begins it is fun - life of the party, center of attention, funny,great to be around. Those days seem to go quickly and then the real mania starts - it has to be one day at a time! There is no other way! Sometimes I break it down to hours. I do what I have to do. I have been blessed with overall stability due to my "cocktail" of meds but I still am bipolar and will ride the rollar coaster forever!
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Hi Mary Lou,
Your feelings are neither right nor wrong here. They are Your Feelings!
Please know that you are safe and welcome here to express them.
The Only Thing we Don't want for you is to Give Up!!!
Consider yourself (((Mary Lou!)) ^I^
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Nancy,
Your postings are always very descriptive; which makes them invaluable because of their helpfulness to:
* people who haver never been there.
* people who are experiencing the same thing and think they are the only one.
* all of us in the community - because it allows us to know how you're doing.
Because...
To Nancy, you described me like no one has ever been able to come close to, not even the doctor's. the racing thoughts, the feeling of my skin, the sleep deprivation without meds, the crazy high's that last to a point i think i'm much better, than, the low's start to creep in. The father of my three year old gets so upset with me, because i talk way too fast and alot of the time and don't complete what it is i want to say. Thank you for your honesty, today will be different because i will try harder to pay attention to those "things" that happen in my "head"! Sincerely, Cathy
I am truly unsure of the whole bi polar thing when it comes to me. I had some problems with drugs and but not now more food sometimes drinking . I dont know what you call I have is highs . i get happy one moment then sad the next it can be right after another .People say you get rage of angry. I dont what I DO get is frustrated sometimes bad nerves.I do cry at the smallest of things then can be fine the next. i had a doctor think it was bi polar . I have had problems in the past with lying . I have problems holding relationships lately. as far as men I would love to be married with kids but I always have sex before i get to know them and then feel guilt and dont want to call them back . I had alot of sexual relation with too many men to I feel guilt about sex alot . The main thing I need help with is emotions I seem to make everyone around me mad at me . I always think people will hurt me in some way in the end . I began to trust no one . things go really go for me for weeks then i start back to no one likes me dis trusting people and over eating/ drinking sometimes then go back to everything is fine. shoping sex and eating took the place of drugs . now i try to double up paying by bills and trying harder not to blow money . I feel guilt for just being alive sometimes . I feel in the way even with family . I lost all friends and I lost a job due to lying and drugs . I dont just flip out and do something in rage . i just make wrong choices based on shear emotion driven . crying happy sad eating drinking and sex . I dont think i am bi polar cause I dont get the extreme angry feelings as much as I feel the world hates me . but i do get irritable sometimes . this is true honesty is this bi polar from what i know bi polar means your mean one minute and can be nice the next. I more crying one minute and happy the next or thinking people will hurt me one moment and fine the next mixed with frustrated . I try to think it is low self esteem . how do you know if you need the medicine . I know i cant balance my emotions i tried it almost cost me many jobs .
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