Marya Hornbacher: How Do You Move Beyond Blue?

Thank you! I like this lady! I have been feeling guilt ridden for, forever. I never looked at having bipolar as a disease and I have been very hard on myself for having it in the first place. I plan on reading the book: Madness: A Bipolar Life. I pray that it will give me and others who can identify with me, more insight on what this is all about. I am hopeful that there is a better way to live with this.

I think I have developed it. I rapid cycle also. I can five moods in a day If I don't try extremely hard to repeat my mantras or do something different than just thinking how yucky my brain feels. It is such a horrific disconnection from my soul. It is like all good thoughts and feelings have been sucked out of myself and all I can experience is disconnection,empty, sad, unacceptableness from others who have no idea I even want to feel or need to feel accepted. I feel like I visited a funeral or something at least once a day. Then I can snap out of it somehow in a different environment. My behavior amazes me. Sometimes I am convinced that I must have a brain tumor because I cannot get a grip on simple things that I know better not to say or do over and over. Then I repent. I beat myself up for being so unpredictable and negative. No matter what I feel that I am never good enough for my 3 Gods(the HOLY ONE and only & my inner life coaches.) I feel like they are so fed up with me. One minute it is good enough to show up the next is not good enough because of -----whatever. I feel and jugde myself with them and cannot seem to ever have a good day where I don't disappoint myself or drive myself crazy with my moods and thoughts that never measure up. Worst of all I want to move up with making more money because I get so depressed that I cannot pay my bills and I want to do right for God but I cannot get out of my sick cycle to get promoted or make more money. I am always freeking out about surviving. I am at the point now where I pray more to have God end my misery even if it is death to do it. I don't want to experience struggling to survive anymore. I am not sure how to break out of this rut. The mood equalizing drugs that I have tried numb my brain, flatten me out completely where I don't care about anything. Then they make me angry. My joints ache and weaning off is hell and then some. My life at times is a living hell. There are good times but since I have given up smoking they are far and few between. Antidepressants help some but they are not a mainstay. I really don't know what to do. I have held back on going to a psychiatrist due to bad experiences with them and their medication suggestions. I was only diagnosed with mild mood disorder and at one time Major depression and Tramatic stress syndrome. but my last year I bottomed out from withdrawal of meds of horrific side effects. I don't want another year like the same. Church, prayer, new freinds, have helped but being independent and memory problems have not been easy. I freek alot not knowing how to financially live. I live on the edge more than I really want to.Help what to do? Meds are so fickle.

your going to be fine. One day at a time, from moment to moment do what you have to do to be the best you. So what if your not what everyone would label "normal", you are. This is just normal for you. Everyone has a different normal cause were not all the same, some may be similar but each to his own really.

I knew for many years before being officially diagnosed that I needed help. I'm sure there are others out there like me who have bipolar but just can't afford therapy or medications even with having insurance. I eventually turned to self-therapy, mostly on the net, & figured out some ways that help me with the depression part. It seems that when you have your lows, its the hardest to deal with... not only yourself but other ppl don't know how to handle being around someone who is depressed & often make it worse. If I get REALLY bad off & start thinking everyone would better off without me, I literally have to force myself to think of something to make me wait another hour or day or week. No rules to any of this-- Just suggestions to help.

(1) Look for something in your schedule. For me, it's usually something to do with my children (Dr. or WIC appt. or school project). Basically, anything that it takes to convince myself that "I am the only one who can handle that".
(2) Make myself get up. Exercise does help! I've read several articles that support the lack of sunlight can cause depression so I try to go outside for a walk, sit on my swing, or just long enough to smoke a cigarette (I know thats bad too). I hate exercising but it does get my mind off of everything that seems to be going wrong.
(3) Take vitamins. Vitamin B is known for naturally helping & since I'm bad about remembering to take them so I drink the vitamin waters that have any B's in them.
(4) Find anything else that requires focus. Similar to exercise, it's simply changing your focus onto something more productive. Do housework even if you don't like it. Start a project & set a goal to finish it. This works for chores the same as it works for crafts. The thing that helps me most is WRITING. I write music & poetry but I also write in a journal sometimes. In my creative writing, I try to focus on how I can make my life experiences available to help others who may be going through the same things.
(5) Try to remember that nobody is perfect! This is hard for me b/c I'm much harder on myself than anyone else is.

Actually I identify with the man/woman muttering on the street. I wonder what it's like to be them. When I was a child we had this full wall mirror.( that Dad ocasionally threatened to smash durring the Friday night fights) I used to wish I could walk through it and become this person who I fantasized that lived on the other side. The one with the loving household and the perfect life...in many ways, I'm still trying to find her.